"Red Sox Nation?" What a bunch of shit that is."
Hank Steinbrenner, one of the principal leaders of the New York Yankees.
JAN: One of my blog sisters (and it wasn't even Ro) suggested that I make public my list of the most attractive Red Sox players. This is the list that I put together during the long hours I spend watching each and every Red Sox game in front of our 8 foot by 5 foot projection style HD TV, which makes all players larger than life and perhaps a little too crystal clear.
(Monday's no hitter by Jon Lester is why it is incumbent on fans to watch EACH and EVERY game, by the way.)
Of course, you might think this is highly parochial topic, addressing only the Red Sox and not all of MLB baseball, but come on, I can't watch EVERY GAME in every division. And besides, the people at NESN, with their non-stop marketing, have brainwashed me into believing that there is actually a RED SOX nation that is not limited to the six New England states.
I'm not going to give you the entire list of HD baseball beauty because it's just mean to put anyone on the bottom of any list, no matter how superficial and stupid that list might be.
So I'm going to give you only my top five in the two categories, pitchers and position players.
And remember this list is purely HDTV attractiveness, which favors fine features that photograph well, and completely omits talent, heart, intelligence, or that certain je-ne-sais-quoi alpha-male thing that goes into real-life attractivness.
And again, the list does NOT correlate to my favorite players.
Top Five Position Players
Jason Varitek (okay, this does correlate to my favorite player list, but just by accident)
Top Five Pitchers
Javier Lopez (who is an unappreciated talent, by the way -- again, just a coincidence)
Okay, now you may all argue or vote for another player, but remember the parameters AND that they all look completely different without their caps on. Most pitchers look deliberately mean when they pitch, and many batters have outright bizarre expressions. You really have to see them in the post-game interview, preferably AFTER the shower, to vote fairly.
If you want to add your own list of other baseball teams, feel free. But stay away from basketball (this means you, Ro), which we should save for another blog topic, entirely!
HANK: I'm laughing too hard to answer right now. Pause Pause. And now, sadly, I'm thinking about this. (Did you LOVE the game last night? I could NOT bear to watch it. And on the radio, because we listened to mid-game innings on the drive home from an event, the announcers kept talking about a no-hitter. Can you believe that? When everyone knows you're not supposed to mention it.)
Then, during the final inning, finally at home, I was literally listening from around the corner because I could not watch. Then I came to the staggering conculsion that what was going to happen was going to happen whether I was watching or not. That it did NOT depend on me. So I watched. And whoa.
Okay, thinking about good looking players. Hmm. At least not-Sox are easy. NOT Johnny Damon. NOT A-Rod. (Bad attitude trumps good looks.)
JAN: Yes. This list is very official. It's updated according to trades, the DL, and assignment to Pawtucket. We could start a former Red Sox player list though. Johnny Damon might make it, but only with the longer hair.
HALLIE: This is very difficult, because due to a longstanding habit, I cannot watch this team play ball with my eyes open. And I'm still mourning Nomar and Pedro, as adorable as they come and talk about star power.
But hey, okay, here's my vote for...
Top Position Players
Jason Varitek (it's hard not to factor in personality)
David Ortiz (mesmerizing, and too bad if he doesn't fit as the DH)
J. D. Drew
JAN: Okay, some agreement, some differences. Personally, I think Hallie let her heart get in the way of her superficiality (but then again, she doesn't have HDTV, so maybe she can't acheive superficiality). I, on the other hand have honored this ridiculas set of rules I've dreamed up and deliberately left out Mike Lowell, who I've got a crush on, but whose eyebrows made him sixth on my HD list.
What do you guys think?