Monday, March 29, 2010

Warning labels we'd like to see.....

JAN: Massachusetts is going the way of New York City and supposedly federal law is to follow: restaurant chains (with more than twenty outlets) will have to give calorie counts -- a warning of sorts - letting you know exactly how many calories are in that chicken parmesan sandwich.

More importantly, I think, because we all know a chicken parmesan sandwich is going to be an indulgence, is how many calories are actually in that goat cheese salad with dried fruit that deludes you into thinking you are dieting.

But it makes me yearn for honest warnings on any number of consumer items I fall prey to. I, for one, would like to see every glass of wine labeled. "A real glass of wine," or as in most cases, "a glass and a half of wine," or every now and then, "you are really drinking two glasses of one in this one goblet, so slow down."

Also, at CVS today, I was perusing the explosion of women's anti-aging skin products. I'm a sucker for a product that says it's going to lighten dark circles, and even though not a single one of them ever works, I'll still buy the next big promise. But it would be nice if these, and all skin care products, were labeled: big exaggeration, 100 percent delusional, and you're-actually-applying-toxins-to-your-face. . Think how much money we'd all save.

So if you could mandate the warning labels of the future, where would you put them?

RO: How about...yes these shoes will make you look taller and look as if you have legs that go from here to there and back again, but they will ultimately give you callouses, blisters and maybe even cripple you? Or...Do not apply this product to the apples of your cheeks because unlike the 20 year old in the ad who looks dewy, you will simply look radioactive with that much glow on your puss.

JAN: Exactly, and how about....this shade of red hair coloring is actually purple and will make you look vaguely European, or in extreme circumstances, like an alien.

HANK: I'm laughing too hard. "100 per cent delusional" is, somehow, the funniest thing I've ever heard. Let's see: How about on the MERGE sign on the highway? Which should say: MERGE but only if the moron in front of you decides he's gonna let you, if not, hit the accelerator (or brakes, your call) and hope the other drivers gets out of the way.

Or: These black tights will look really good and slinky for one wearing, but as soon as you sit on any kind of upholstery, they will get all snaggy and when you wash them, forget about it, the elastic in the waist is only good for one wearing.

Or: Yes, this facial cleanser costs 100 dollars, but 99 dollars is for the packaging and advertising, and 50 cents for the shipping, and 50 cents for the actual soap which includes the costs of our employees emptying the huge jars of Dove into our little containers. I rely on fooling myself with the wine thing, Jannie, so I could do without that warning label, please.

RHYS: Frankly I think the calorie labels on food are a waste of time. Those of us who care are generally savvy about what we eat. Those who supersize everything would still eat it even if a neon sign above them flashes TEN THOUSAND CALORIES AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE YOUNG.

I saw the first Jamie Oliver special in which the school kids tipped away their fruit and ate only the chicken nuggets and pizza. Education has to begin young. I wish someone would invent a tasty fast food that is completely good for you.

And Jan--I'm also a sucker for the promises on anti-aging products (take a peek in my bathroom closet). On a bigger scale for delusional promises--how about Peace-keeping force that will actually produce peace??

JAN: AMEN. And on anti-aging products, I've created a new rule. I have to FINISH the anti-aging product I recently bought and doesn't work, BEFORE I can buy the new anti-aging product that also won't work.

ROBERTA: (Whining a little because we just got home from sunny Florida)--how about spring meaning better weather than 42 degrees, windy, and raining? (And just having driven a long ways up the east coast)--how about the traffic law that says you don't pass on the right applying to everyone?

I'm sort of in favor of the calorie thing--maybe it will end up being a little contribution to food education. And here's another travel rant--we stopped at a rest stop on the good old Jersey turnpike. You know how hard it was to find something to eat that wasn't fried and disgusting? And how was that restful?
Okay I'm finished. Better go slather some stuff on my face and pour one of Hank's glasses of wine. And Rhys, your peacekeeping force is the best idea of all...

JAN: Welcome home Roberta, you'll get used to the awful New England weather again in no time. Maybe each region of the country should come with its own warning. I'll start with New England, WINTERS ARE LONG, SPRING IS AN EMPTY PROMISE and despite the whole northern climate thing, SUMMER IS REALLY HOT.

Come back tomorrow when we talk about new phrases in the English language we are not too old fogey to like. And in the meantime, tell us... where would you put your warning labels?


Judy Merrill Larsen said...

I sorta wish a few men I dated had come with warning labels . . .

Hank Phillippi Ryan said...

Oh, Yes, Judy. warning labels on men.
BEWARE: Drives Fast.
BEWARE: Cannot make a decision.
BEWARE: Insists on making decisions.
BEWARE: Bad socks.

Janice Campbell from NAIWE said...

I think there ought to be warning labels on exercise equipment:
WARNING: Using this device as a clothing rack will result in flabbiness.

Jungle Red Writers said...


Yes, of course. MEN.

And Hank,
BEWARE: Gets emotional over sporting events.

Janice, I love your warning! Also, in that vein....
Beware: Just because it costs a lot of money, does not mean you'll use it.


Hallie Ephron said...

Jan - I love this question!

Janice, that's the label I need for my exercise bike.

Judy - you can say that again!

The warning that should have come with my husband: MAY BE HABIT FORMING

Warning that should have come with my kids: MAY CAUSE INSOMNIA

roseduncan said...

I wish I had a mind left to come up with something as funny as all of these. But my favorite warning label would read "not for the faint of heart."

Hank Phillippi Ryan said...

How about: BEWARE: Buying this book is not the same as reading it.

Jungle Red Writers said...

Or in the best of circumstances,



Hank Phillippi Ryan said...

For a TV show; BEWARE! You will instantly figure out the ending, but you will watch it anyway.

Anonymous said...

oh, where to start?

honesty on many (most!) meeting room doors: This gathering will neither solve any problem nor move any issue forward, but will indeed waste 2 hours you will never reclaim.

2. This debate will in fact lead to an argument during which things will be said that can't be taken back. Stop. Now. Agree to disagree.

3. Sales/Discounts: this deal/product/bargain is not in fact saving you any money, but is a cleverly disguised money pit.


Jan Brogan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jan Brogan said...

Hi Carla,

Yes and on meeting rooms.....any decisions made here, will all be challenged tomorrow in email anyway.

And as for sales, how true. And much richer I'd be if I weren't saving so much money!!

March 30, 2010 8:04 AM