Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Self-blanking Blanks, or, Th'automatons of tomorrow

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: The news recently has been full of the story of the self-driving Uber from Arizona that got into an accident, causing the company to suspend its self-driving tests in that state. (I'm using the term 'self-driving' a lot because apparently these vehicles do have drivers inside that can engage when necessary.) I have to note the responding cops seem to agree it wasn't the wonder car of the future that was at fault: it was another old-fashioned human driver who screwed up, crashing into the Uber vehicle.

I for one welcome our new robotic overlords. I would have given anything for a self-driving car back in the days when I was attempting to navigate a station wagon around town while settling backseat arguments, rescuing sippy cups that had rolled beneath the passenger seat, and operating the CD player controls so we could hear "The Wheels on the Bus" for the 1,000,000,000th time. Nowadays, driving isn't that stressful, but it is, unless I'm doing something cool and fun like whipping up and down and around the roads in the Berkshires, boring. Really boring. I'd be more than happy to turn over the controls to HAL9000 if it meant I could lounge back reading a book and nibbling on Girl Scout cookies on my way to the credit union.

I can also envision self-driving cars being super useful in the future - and by 'future' I mean 'when I'm in my eighties.' In a rural state like Maine, elderly residents have major problems if they have to give up driving. Rather than worrying about imposing on my daughter to fetch and carry for me, I like the idea of having my own robotic chauffeur driving me around after my vision and short-range memory goes. I'll call it Tom Branson and pretend I'm the Dowager Countess of Grantham (to be strictly honest, I'm planning on spending my old age pretending to be Granny Crawley anyway.)

In the vein of helpful automatons, I got to thinking what else would improve my life.

1. Nuclear-powered mangle. Sure, the washing machine and dryer have liberated us (and by us I mean women, because let's face it, how many men do you know who do laundry when there's a woman around to do it for them? Not that I'm bitter) and wash-and-wear means the iron is usually gathering dust, but where is the mechanical marvel that can fold clothes? Do you keep the clean clothing in a laundry basket and just pick stuff out of it? You do, don't you. Wouldn't it be great if you could toss it all into a hopper and it came out looking like it does from the dry cleaner's? It would. It really would.

2. Mecha-facial. Perhaps life's cruelest trick is this: as you reach the age when you absolutely need to spend at least fifteen minutes every night cleaning, moisturizing, sanding and spackling your face if you don't want to look like a desert wadi in the dry season, you begin to find yourself with Sudden Onset Bedtime Syndrome. SOBS is the sensation you get just after you've streamed last night's episode of Legion and are getting ready for RuPaul's Drag Race. In an instant, every source of energy in your body has been quenched. As your teenagers stare at you with ill-disguised scorn, you drag your body upstairs, barely manage to drag a toothbrush around your gums, and then fall into bed. The only moisturizer you're going to get when SOBS strikes is whatever you drool onto your cheek.

Wouldn't it be lovely if, as you lay sprawled on your back, a useful machine hovered over your visage, pummeling, kneading and exfoliating while you drifted away into dreamland? (Warning: you will dream that the alien from Alien is sucking your face. But is that too much to pay for glowing, youthful skin?)

3. Self-walking dogs. Don't get me wrong, I love being outside with my Shih Tzu on a beautiful October day. Or in the spring, with the clouds all puffy over head, or on a warm summer morning. When it's seven degrees out? Blizzarding? Pouring rain? Not so much. I dunno, maybe the Japanese have the right idea with their robot pets. Enjoy the wiggling behind without every having to worry about what's going to come out of it. Speaking of which...

4. Self-cleaning bathrooms. I believe this one is within modern architecture's grasp. All it would take is a bathroom where everything is tile, glass and non-porous stone, doors and windows that shut watertight like those in bulkhead, and a giant drain in the middle. You go out, lock the door, turn on the combination steam/boiling water/bleach and before you say Bob's your uncle, the place is spotless. Admittedly, the TP and shampoo bottles in the shower are going to be worse for the wear. On the other hand, you'd never have to wash towels or facecloths again.

5. Self-shoveling driveways. If we can have self-driving cars, why not snowblowers? How pleasant it would be to stand inside and guide the machine with one hand on the controls, the other holding your hot cocoa. Or for rough or uneven terrain, paired flying drones supporting a snow-melting laser cannon. Yes, I am sick of winter! Thanks for asking!

How about you, dear readers? What do you think ought to be automated to make our lives easier?

28 comments:

  1. My fondest dream is a working transporter; until then, I anxiously await the day my car will do all the driving. And that self-shoveling driveway is definitely going on my list.
    And could someone please invent an automatic lawn mower? Lovely green grass would be so much nicer if it would just learn to take care of itself . . . .

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  2. Joan beat me to it...I also dream of going from point A to B via a working transporter. Although Star Trek has shown that there can be glitches in that technology even in the 24th century!

    We do have the robotic vacuum cleaners, but we need more automated equipment so we can avoid the cleaning chores!

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  3. A self emptying dishwasher. Is that pathetic? I mean it washes the dishes for you, you'd think that would be enough.

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    1. Not at all, Hallie. Considering Ross still can't remember where dishes go in the cupboards after 23 years of having them arranged in the same spots, I'm pretty sure a machine could do better.

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    2. Is Ross related to my Steve? Or is there a male gene for that?

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    3. Isn't it funny how finishing filling the dishwasher, putting in the soap, and pressing GO seems so much more rewarding than unloading?

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  4. Hallie, I'm with you. As always. I despise emptying the dishwasher, and I am the only one who ever does it.

    Self driving cars? As we were going somewhere recently, Julie and I talk about it. Did I mention she always drives? She says to tell you I already have one (grin)

    I have a cleaning lady, a lawn guy and a plowman. So I can tick those boxes. If those jobs were automated, those people would be out of work. Note to self: Suggest they start right now to a robotic repair school.

    Re #4, self cleaning bathrooms, these exist all over France, from the sidewalks of Paris to la aire de repos. They terrify me. Yes they are clean, but I can't get in and out of one fast enough, always afraid they will turn on the hoses and wash me with bleach and Pinesol.

    What I would really like is a bedding plant robot, one I could direct to put the pansies there and the petunias over there, groups of three please, mixed colors. I can get up and turn on the hose myself, but oh the joy of not having to bend.

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    1. would there be anything worse than getting pressure-hosed by Pinesol? I can't stand the smell in the house!!

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  5. Julia, there actually are self-cleaning bathrooms. I think in Japan--where else? We could adapt it to save the shampoo bottles--you buy the shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, what-have-you in plastic bags (or gallon jugs) and pour each into the gizmo attached to the shower. Dial in your specific needs--amount of hair, texture, etc., and just press the button to get the exact amount you need. No more fumbling half-blind in the shower among the multitude of bottles that teenage boys require to wash themselves and the half-inch of hair on their heads! And Joan & Grace, I have tons of leaves every fall--I'd like not only an automatic lawn mower, but a roomba leaf vacuum. I'll be sitting in the swing with a tall Long Island tea next to me, book in hand, while the lawn is made all neat and tidy.Bliss!

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  6. Self-cleaning bathrooms - yes. The Girl is supposed to clean the upstairs bathroom, but judging by the size of the cobweb I took down a couple weekends ago, she's failing miserably.

    Hallie, self-emptying dishwasher. Yes! This is the one chore that invariably gets left to me.

    The Hubby does in fact do the laundry, but I'd be all over something that folded for me - especially socks.

    And while The Hubby protests the idea of self-driving cars, I say bring 'em on!

    Mary/Liz

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  7. Flora: A bedding plant robot -- BRILLIANT! I have my husband and a garden stool. And No idea whatsoever how things will look midsummer. Which brings me to automated watering... but just the plants that need it because I'm also very much into conserving resources.

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  8. Your wish is my command, Julia! Some of your requests already exist, and have done so, for decades. All it takes is money.

    When I researched my first manuscript in 1993 I found a book by this amazing woman, whose name I should most definitely have written down. She had invented a self-cleaning bathroom, and many features in the rest of her home for self-cleaning, as well. Now, if you Google "self-cleaning bathroom" there are thousands of hits. Including, as Ann/Finta said, in Paris. I used one on a city street in 2001,
    after which one pushes a button for the cleaning process to begin. It gave me nightmares, thinking how easily one could get locked into one of those during the cleaning process! What could possibly go wrong, right? Bad enough that the lights go out mid-pee in some of the automated pissoirs.

    Roomba or someone also makes a GPS-guided self lawn mower. And believe it or not, there are several self-cleaning laundry closets out already: https://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&q=laundry+self+cleaning+closet&* I've seen two different kinds at the Home & Garden show here, both fantastically pricey, of course. But hey, it might be worth having a very limited wardrobe to be able to afford such a thing, don't you think?

    And heated driveways have been around for decades. Here in hilly Cincinnati I know of a couple, including one for a historic building used as attorneys' offices on a steep drive that wraps around the building and goes down the other side. There must be 400-500' of drive that has had heating elements embedded in the surface. I'm sure it cost clients an extra chunk of change in their billing hours to pay for it.

    Joan, I'm also waiting for a transporter. Travel is getting worse by the minute. Unless it's a girls' road trip, like the one Debs is on!

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    1. Karen, I've heard of the heated driveways! I'm a little skeptical one could keep pace with the amount of snow and cold weather we tend to get here- and what happens to the melted snow? Does it roll down toward the road and create an ice dam?

      Still, it's a tempting idea. Plus, since our driveway is really just dirt and gravel, it would be less expensive for me to have one installed - no breaking up and hauling away pre-existing concrete or asphalt.

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    2. The one I mentioned slopes to the city street, where there are sewers. But yeah, that would be an issue if you didn't live in an urban situation.

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  9. My oldest daughter's dear husband has always done their laundry, including during the six years they lived together before they got married. He's a treasure, and we could probably clean up if we could clone the man.

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    1. Not to brag, but my husband of almost 30 years does the laundry in our house, too. I remember when we were younger other women would say, "Oh, I'd never let my husband do my laundry! He' ruin things." I always thought a ruined garment here and there was a small price to pay for not doing my own laundry!!!

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  10. Great ideas!
    I, too, have wished for a Start Trek like transported for many, many years.
    Libby Dodd

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  11. Flora: I live in an apartment building, so I don't have a lawn but a roomba leaf vacuum sounds brilliant!

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  12. Formula1 motels had self cleaning bathrooms decades ago. The door would lock after a guest left the bathroom and sprays of water come from all directions draining perfectly before the next guest. I wanted it then. Still want it now

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  13. I want one of the robot kinda people Eve & Roarke have - one that will clean, and cook and one that will do yard work. And then you just turn them off when they're done. Ahhh . . .

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  14. I have to admit I've gotten so used to dictating emails via the voice mode that I often think I can turn on the TV by just asking it. Yesterday we got a tv thing that lets you say "Channel 7" and it turns the channel. But it won't turn ON by voice.
    It's a problem in other ways--now when I leave a voice mail message, I find myself putting in the punctuation the way you have to do with dictation. "Hi Julia, comma, this is Hank period."
    Self-emptying dishwasher, yes. Love it. Whenever Jonathan does it, I praise him to the skies.
    How about: Automatic grocery-putter-awayer!

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    1. I totally do that too Hank! It's embarrassing, particularly when you are leaving a seething message for your Congressman. They must wonder what a nut job I am...

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  15. Why stop at a self-cleaning bathroom? I'll take a self-cleaning house now, please.

    My dad has done plenty of laundry.

    I hang up and fold my clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer. (And yes, I take them out of the dryer when they are done drying.) That way, I don't have to iron. My towels, on the other hand.... Those can sit clean in my laundry basket for days after I've washed them.

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  16. I want a kitchen that cooks for me. I know there are people you can hire to do that, but that sounds like too much work. Walking in the door to a wonderful aroma and then finding dinner prepped and waiting sounds glorious.

    And how about something that automatically washes windows?

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  17. Self walking dogs? But I thought they were already self walking. Just open the door and let them go. Now, if they just had self-scooping dogs....

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  18. I know, Susan D! Dogs already walk. But once I said to Jonathan--they ought to invent a THING that tells you what day it is!! Hmm, he said. Yeah. Maybe call it..a calendar?
    (But we won't go into why that doesn't really tell you what day it is..)

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  19. YES! YES! YES! To all of the above. Loved your post, Julia. I laughed out loud with only one weird look from the dogs. Being in AZ, the Uber thing was huge news. The push for self-drive cars is still on. I live in a neighborhood that is a test drive area and the white marshmallow type of cars with the doohickeys on top drive by all day long and they have great names like Narwhal on them. I'm pretty sure its a company in the ASU research building down the street that is their home base but I haven't found their exact point of origin yet otherwise I'd volunteer to be driven around. Everyone in this house does their own laundry because...frat house. I like Ingrid's idea of a kitchen that cooks for you. Bliss. And, Kaye, Eve and Roarke's robot does sound ideal. Okay, I have five proposals to write in two weeks - can I have a proposal writing matching? That would be awesome.

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  20. But Julia, the really good stories come when all those robotic gadgets run amok as we know they will! I would love someone to auto feed and litter scoop the cats. Alas, hubs has proven a dismal failure at the job so it's up for grabs. Any taker? I can just picture the maid from the Jetsons chasing one of my cats around the house dust broom in hand trying to sweep the bits of gravel that cling between the paw pads!

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