Monday, August 7, 2017

Let's Get Resilient!

photo by bottled_void
LUCY BURDETTE: I like to read the Tuesday Science section in the New York Times (not as much as the Wednesday Dining section, but that’s another story.) The articles remind me of those I used to read in women’s magazines—chock full of interesting facts about exercise, diet, new scientific and medical discoveries in health, etc. This past week an article about cultivating resilience caught my eye. It maintained that people in middle age may be better at resilience because we’ve had lots of chances to practice. And most important, it’s a skill that can be learned. Their tips included practicing optimism, questioning the life story you tell yourself and replacing it with a more positive version, not blaming yourself completely for bad outcomes, remembering times when you bounced back from something hard, supporting others, taking stress breaks with activities that feed you emotionally, and not avoiding challenging and stressful situations—they help you build your resilience muscles!

One of my biggest health challenges over the past few years was discovering I had Meniere’s disease. Here’s a post from 2015 that I went back to look at. My conclusion at that point was that I needed to look at the problem as a challenge, rather than an impossible hurdle. I do think that helped!

Do these suggestions sound right to you? 



Money by Thomas's Pics
RHYS BOWEN: I think these are great suggestions, Lucy. In recent years I have found I am less stressed, more optimistic. I have to say in part this is due to being financially secure. There is nothing more worrying than knowing college tuition is due and you have no idea how you are going to pay it. But having paid off our mortgage and my books doing quite nicely that worry is gone. Also I find I am practicing positive thinking much more. I am able to ask "What's the worst thing that could happen?" and then think that I could handle that. But health issues... they are worrying. I was really stressed about John's condition and surgery earlier this year and I worry about my daughter's bad migraines. No good answer to tell myself about those. But things like flights being late, missing connections: annoying but I can find the positives in them. More time to work at the airport!


JENN MCKINLAY: Rhys, I am the exact same way with the minor inconveniences like delayed flights or long lines. I always look at it as an opportunity to study my fellow man, write, or stare off at the horizon and give my eyes a break from screens. I do think I'm resilient -- no one can receive as many rejections as I did for writing and not have the hide of a rhinoceros. LOL. When the hooligans were born, I did go into a panic, thinking the parenting thing was beyond me and that I was going to muck it up. I worried about everything from the quality of the water they drank to who they might partner with in life. It was exhausting and really sucked the joy out of parenting. Then I found a book called Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman and it really spun my head around about the pointlessness of worrying and how to master my emotions and choose positivity. I highly recommend it!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: And I think flight delays and traffic jams and robo calls--very first world problems, right?  We're so lucky to get to deal with those!  Something truly terrifying--being sick, or a family member being sick, or being..in grief, I guess--is much more difficult. So yeah, we do the best we can. I count blessings, look for the bright side, choose happiness. And it seems as if we are all learning this! As the challenge/disappointment/fear/change increases though, then we are tested. Lucy, you are a stalwart! Each of the Reds, I know, has faced some really tough stuff. I guess we have a choice: handle it, or not. One step at a time.

INGRID THOFT: I second Jenn’s point that you need to have a certain degree of resiliency to survive as a writer.  Rejection is just part of the deal, and if you can’t manage it, writing is probably not the right path to take.  Someone once asked my mom what she most hoped for her kids, and she said, “good coping skills” i.e. resiliency. The questioner was surprised; didn’t she want them to be happy or rich or successful?  Of course, she responded, but bad things happen, and if you can’t manage those inevitabilities, than happiness, success, and wealth will be much harder to attain.  I think she’s right.  There are two concepts I try to keep in mind as I navigate life’s challenges.  The first is, “this too shall pass.”  The next is the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, that “all life is suffering.”  Accepting that life can be difficult and that that is its very nature is a useful reminder when life is throwing curve balls.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Ingrid, I love "good coping skills!" I hope I can pass that example along to my daughter. I've never really thought of myself as being resilient, but it occurs to me that I know people who let the slightest setback throw them into a pit of despair, and that that attitude really tries my patience. My response is, "Well, just do it again," or "Try something else!" I know my dad struggled with depression for many years and that he made a very deliberate choice to have a positive outlook on life, and that I admire enormously. I hope I can mostly do the same. (My agent jokes--sort of--about my eternal optimism on the speed of writing. My response is, "Well, I do always finish the book, don't I?"

As for the small things, I don't get upset about traffic jams or waits in airports, etc., etc. Why get your knickers in a twist over things you can't change? And if you are stuck somewhere, it is always a chance to read or write (or take a nap!)

Reds, do you consider yourself resilient? What tips would you share?

62 comments:

  1. I’ve never particularly thought of myself as resilient, but I guess I am . . . and so many of the tips you’ve given here are the same as I would suggest. I think being positive and having faith in your ability to cope are a couple of the more important ones. Having supportive friends and family around you doesn’t hurt a bit, either . . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's crucial to me too, Joan, family and friends! The article surprised me by saying helping others was more useful than having them help you...

      Delete
  2. I would say that I am mostly resilient when it comes to things that truly matter. I have to deal with them or things just won't get done. If things don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, I'm usually able to walk away from whatever the situation is.

    About the only thing I would say that I'm not resilient about is matters of the heart. Long story, but I really don't participate in that anymore.

    I don't know that I have any tips to share.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your suggestion about walking away if something doesn't matter is a good one though Jay!

      Delete
    2. Lucy, I used to have a lot of stress but when I ended up getting away from certain situations, the blood pressure went down.

      Also, not pretending to care about things I don't care about helps. Particularly in this day and age of Internet outrage over every little thing.

      Delete
  3. With the rest of you on not fussing over the small stuff. I'm blessed with a positive outlook on life - seems I've always had one. There have been a couple of times, though, when I just felt like the victim. I had to give myself a stern talking to and an attitude adjustment. "Think creatively" would be my tip - this might seem like a dead end bad situation, but how can I make it better? Usually something pops up, just like the solution to a stalled plot always pops up sooner or later.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's good advice Edith! I will try that with my plot today...

      Delete
    2. As the Quakers say, Edith, "A way will open."

      Delete
  4. Something that I think helps me is I talk to myself, even out loud sometimes. I call it being my own best friend. Recently a health issue cropped up and I was stressing over it. My "best friend" took me in hand and said 'for Pete's sake go to the doctor and get it checked out so you can stop worrying about it.' Exactly what I needed to hear but it just did not occur to me by myself, if any of that makes a bit of sense.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Judy, youve got a good system worked out!

      Delete
    2. I Do that too! I say "Hank! Get over it!"
      Totally works, doesn't it?

      Delete
  5. I would say yes to being resilient. I am a worrier though. I can close my eyes at night and worry about things that have happened, even things that "might" happen. I'd like to be able to stop doing that, truth be told.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's another blog Kaye, I need help with that too! John is very good at not worrying. It's like I do the warring for both of us-- exhausting!

      Delete
    2. Yes, that's because we are writers… And our imaginations are our worst enemy as well as our best gift.
      Speaking of talking to myself, I also remind myself But I am worrying about something I made up. Which is so silly!

      Delete
    3. That is a blog I look forward to, Lucy/Roberta. (I love my wise women friends, and The Reds are all wise women).

      Hank, so funny you said this. When I share some of the things I'm fretting about with Donald, he will say "you need to write about these things, not worry about them."

      Delete
    4. Kaye - I used to worry all the time, but I had an amazing woman in my life named Cay Culbertson who gave me my most valuable life lesson. Her grown son had a seizure and when he dropped to the ground he damaged his back. They couldn't figure out why he'd had a seizure or if it would happen again. I asked her how she coped with the worry, and she said, "I turn it over to God and then ten minutes later, I do it again." I loved that. I've taught the Hooligans to acknowledge their worry but then turn it over to the Universe since worrying about something really doesn't change anything. When we went to see Fantastic Beasts, there is a great line that Newt Scamander says, "My philosophy is if you worry, you suffer twice." The boys and I loved that!

      Delete
    5. Jenn McKinlay - i love this - Thank you! Newt Scamander rocks, and so do you.

      Delete
    6. I'm going to try to remember that one, if you worry you suffer twice. And who knows, you might not have to suffer at all if the worrisome thing doesn't happen!

      Delete
  6. I was 48 when my husband died. He had been the main family income for the past couple of years, as I had turned to freelancing to have the time I needed to care for him. When he died, I lost my beloved companion, my financial security, and the partnership that was the foundation of my entire adult life. Yes, there was grief at the loss of that big, sunny personality I loved so much, but there was also a lot of panic and despair over how I was going to move forward. The most important choice I made in those dark days was a firm determination TO move forward. He hadn't taken me with him, and I certainly didn't want to stay in the dark place, so forward was the only way to go, and I wanted it to be better than the dark, despite surprisingly strong societal pressure for widows to retire to a dusty shelf somewhere and never participate in life again.

    A lot of things got me through it, despite a second blow when my mother died a year later. Friends, and volunteer work helped a lot, but the two things I tell younger folk, when I'm asked to speak about life skills these days, are really more basic. First, if you start to panic, Be Here Now. Generally you panic because your mind is spinning out endless disaster scenarios of what might happen. But here, now, you're probably in a safe place, or your mind wouldn't have the time to panic about stuff that hasn't happened yet, so rein it in, focus on the sunshine or the much-needed rain, or the cat in your lap or whatever. And realize that right now, you're okay. You're safe. You're coping.

    The other thing is to Find the Fun. If your life is a hot, scary mess, and the future looks just as horrible, try to remember what you do for fun and then go do it. It will break you out of your routine of panic and despair, and you might learn some new skills, or rediscover old ones. One year after my husband died I flew from Dallas to upstate New York, just to hear a concert. Many friends told me I was crazy, but it was the single best thing I did for myself back then. It reminded me that I am capable of coping in unknown territory, helped me make cool new friends outside the shadow of my husband's larger-than-life personality, and gave me all kinds of confidence for going forward. Most of all, it reminded me that my time with Warren was just one chapter in my life. It was a long chapter, and a great one, but it was over, and I still had new chapters to write.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. this is brilliant Gigi, I can see how your advice could really help people struggling with life skills. What kinds of groups do you speak to? You've come to such a solid space about losing your darling hub, and yet being able to move on.

      Delete
    2. Like this notion of people/events/whatever being just one chapter in life. I'm going to work on that this week as I begin to open a new chapter in mine.

      Delete
    3. Gigi you are a complete inspiration. I'm saving this.

      Delete
    4. You are all very sweet! I mentor students at the arts magnet high school in Dallas, so I speak to them on Career Day and such--not about me so much as about the tools they'll need as they go forward. I was also recently invited to speak to a chapter of a band service sorority at the University of Texas--Arlington, so college students there. As for thinking of life in chapters, the thing I kept reminding myself was that Warren was the only one who died. I was still around, so I might as well make myself useful, and do something interesting. That's how you write the next chapter.

      Delete
    5. Gigi, I have great admiration for the way you've managed such a challenging chapter in your life. The two life skills you describe are great advice for everyone.

      Delete
    6. Love your message and will add your mantras to my tool kit.

      Delete
    7. Be. Here. Now. Ugh, I could have used this in my head three hours ago. Hooligan 1 is a junior and he drove himself to school today. He's been driving all summer but today felt different. He woke me up to say good-bye and when he left, I was gripped with such panic. I don't think I was worrying about his driving as much as I was fretting about letting go of my little boy. Be Here Now. Embrace the new chapter. Thank you, Gigi. You really are the most amazing woman! XO

      Delete
    8. Yes, you are amazing, Gigi, as Jenn says, and an inspiration for all of us. By the way, she left out some of the other things she does, like Border Collie rescue, and making divine quilts. And being a great and supportive friend!!!

      Delete
    9. I say again, y'all are so sweet. And speaking of a great, supportive friend, Debs was a major factor in helping me hold it all together. Be brave, Jenn. You raised Hooligan 1 right. It will all be fine, and more fun than you can imagine.

      Delete
  7. I feel resilient most of the time. But there are other times when I just want to bury my head and tell the world to go hang itself. I love the meme on this I saw one day: It's okay to have a melt-down. Just don't pitch a tent and live there.

    Mary/Liz

    ReplyDelete
  8. Like Rhys, I ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen? That gives me a chance to come up with a Plan B, and then I feel like I have some control over the situation. Also, when something difficult, or even tragic, happens in my life, I tell myself that someday I'll be able to find some humor in the situation, or st least be able to learn something from it. That really works!

    Around a year or so ago, I listened to an interview with Benedictine monk, and spiritual writer, Brother David Steindl-Rast about cultivating gratitude and that it leads to happiness. Happy people are people who are grateful for even the smallest of things. He suggested giving thanks each morning for the little things, even things we take for granted, like clean running water, indoor plumbing, etc. I've been doing that ever since, and my list of things to be grateful for has increased tremendously! He did a TED talk about it, too. (Note: I found out a couple of decades ago that he is the cheerful monk with the German accent-he's from Austria- that used to come visit the chaplain at my college. He would be invited to say a few words at Mass. We loved him. I had no idea who he was until long after I graduated.)

    DebRo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so cool deb, that the monk used to visit your college! I've heard about the gratitude exercise and needs to start practicing the way you do, every day...

      Delete
    2. There's nothing like a Benedictine, unless it's a Franciscan, to sort out one's thinking. Or, on some occasions, a Jesuit. Have a glass of the first with the second, and then go talk it over with the third.

      Delete
    3. Ann, this morning it's coffee you made me snort.... Great advice!!!

      Delete
    4. Ann, thanks for the chuckle!

      Deb

      Delete
  9. And one thing I think we all might do is to take a disappointment, and escalate it to utter and irredeemable disaster.
    And that hardly ever happens. I know, I know, it does, sometimes. But usually not. And I guess… I think about the time we waste worrying about it, since that doesn't help.
    So maybe resilience comes from just focusing on reality, and then taking a step. That are wild imaginations can chaotically and destructively yank us from reality.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm seeing this after reading fourteen posts about fish in the dryer and maggots in the squirrel. 'Nuff said. You have me cramped with hysterics.

      Delete
  10. This is something I've thought a lot about, how some people crumble at the slightest obstacle, and others soldier on without seeming to break a sweat. I've learned a few things about it, like the rest of you, mainly from being presented with life challenges.

    First: Attitude is everything. If you act defeated, you are. If you cheerfully accept that life doesn't always go the way you thought it would, you will have a much greater chance of dealing well with those difficulties.

    Second: Be flexible. I see this so often, when a friend or family member is striving so hard for a particular outcome, when all the time if they just adjusted their sight to slightly to the side, or to the middle ground instead of the distance, they'd see something ever so much better than what they're trying so hard to make happen.

    Third: Stay positive. Like Edith, I tend to put the best possible face on most things, and to find something positive about them, no matter how hard they are at the moment. And if you try, you usually can do this.

    Fourth: Plan B is a wonderful took, Deb R. I just read an article about this last week, and although I can't find that particular one, Google has dozens online on the topic. This is something I've done most of my life, I realized, thinking ahead to worst-case scenarios, and working out how I'll manage them should that be the outcome. Having a Plan B (or C, or D, or many more) has reduced my anxiety about many situations in life. Maybe it's from reading all those Boys' Life magazines when I was a kid, and getting the "be prepared" motto ingrained into my psyche!

    And the other thing is giving it up to the Universe/God/karma, whatever your personal spiritual inclination might be. Sometimes we are not in control, and maybe we are meant to learn some kind of lesson from whatever is going on. Is that resilience? I think it might be, to pick up the pieces and accept that you are a bigger, better person as a consequence of some heartache or incident.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent advice, Karen. I particularly like the the Plan B. When I feel anxious, I start problem solving, which is really glorified list making along the lines of if this happens, I'll do that or if that happens, I'll do this. I like to always have a strategy in play.

      Delete
    2. I call it the Third Choice. So often we block ourselves in with Either/Or scenarios that we forget to look for other solutions. I remember one time when I had a job I hated, and I got locked into the notion that I would either continue hating the job, or get myself fired and have no income. Freedom came when I looked for the Third Choice: What if I quit? In the end I didn't, but knowing I could gave me the courage to deal with the manager who was making my life hard.

      Delete
    3. I like that, Gigi.

      There are an awful lot of choice points in our lives. Places where we either keep going ahead on the same path, or diverging onto another. Sometimes we need to get to the edge of the cliff and fly! One of my daughters is at this point right now, and I'm hoping she gets to use her wings.

      Delete
  11. I wrote such an erudite essay and then deleted it in error. If I were resilient, I'd write it again. Guess I'm not. Not this week anyway. Crawling back under the rock. Xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, that happens to me sometimes - I've deleted whole chapters by accident. Maddening!

      Delete
  12. One of the things I love about the JRW blog is the positivity that you all bring to life, and your enthusiasms -- food and new writers and adventures and family. I know I am a resilient person -- I have been tested and so far so good. I was born with a naturally sunny disposition, and I was drawn to role models like Pollyanna!
    One thing Lucy said that sparked a memory -- reframing your past history -- I once said to my therapist that as a child I was a "cry baby." She said, "Or not." Which led to a great understanding about how our story is shaped by those who told it (in this case, my parents).

    So glad to know the great JRW resilient women!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that, Denise. "The story is shaped by those who told it." How often are our perceptions of ourselves shaped by what others have said?

      But that also means that we can rewrite our stories. Continually.

      Delete
    2. And believe me, we are all thrilled to have you as friends and readers! And PS, I worried that no one would be interested in reading or commenting on this blog. Instead, your wisdom and humor is pouring out! Thank you

      Delete
  13. I think I need more of this in my life. I let too many little things in life get to me. Of course, when I then am face with something major it puts everything in perspective for a little while, but then the small petty things begin to creep up on me again.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lucy, I am familiar with Meniere's disease. A relative by marriage has that and he gets vertigo. The deaf actress from Switched at Birth who plays Daphne has Meniere's Disease.

    Rhys, I agree with you that positive thinking helps. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's bad migraines. My voice teacher told me that when a headache happens, it could mean dehydration. I hope that your daughter is tested for allergies like allergy to wheat (my headaches stopped when I stopped eating wheat). Fingers crossed!

    On another note, I finished your book and love it. Gave your book a five star review on Goodreads.

    Diana

    ReplyDelete
  15. What great advice today! I'm going to bookmark this post, and I'm going to write down some of the best bits in my (very neglected) journal. I think much of our outlook on life comes from the people who surround us, and I can't think of a more inspiring bunch than our community here on JRW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly Debs ! We are so lucky to have this community

      Delete
    2. The collective wisdom here is mind-boggling. Thank you for providing it!

      Delete
  16. When life goes wacko you either laugh or you cry. Sometimes both.

    ReplyDelete
  17. When the storm comes be like the bamboo, not the oak. The bamboo bends the oak stands in rigidity and can be shattered... to live is to stay in the Golden Now. all we have is now, future is unknown, yesterday a memory. now is here now is safe. .... of the six primal emotions only one is "happy" cultivate happy and watch the world change. ... perception turns fears to flowers. bowing to all my Reds, may you be happy today. she said resiliently

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think one of the big differences for me with a lot of people here is the falling back on religion.

    That wouldn't work for me as I have long since moved on from that particular strain of thinking. Which is a little bit funny considering I was born Irish catholic and dealt with all the relatives that were religious (or cops to further the stereotype). Oh, and attended catholic schools for a few years. Thankfully, none of it took.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm trying to be resilient! Blogger won't let me reply to any comments and I'm in a hotel room using only my phone!
    Brilliant posts today

    ReplyDelete
  20. I also like the quote about salt water making everything better, in the form of the ocean, sweat or tears.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I try to be resilient, but I do admit to being a work in process. Sometimes more than others! I don't get upset about traffic or airport delays. Unkindness, that will tweak me in an instant. Not to me, but to others. URGH! Good thing karma is a law, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Catching up late on this, but what great posts/advice everyone's offered. Definitely one to be bookmarked!

    ReplyDelete