HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I had so much fun with Jenn’s meet-cute post, and it got me thinking about what was the opposite of meet-cute? Leave-cute? Of course, bad breakups. (I hope you recognize the song "lyrics" in today's title...)
We don’t want to go anywhere upsetting today, of course, but breakups can be pretty funny. Yes, they can.
Once I broke up with a perfectly nice guy because we went to see the Robert Altman movie Nashville, and I adored it, adored it! And he loathed it. How could that be, I wondered? And I finally said “you know, if you don’t love that movie, I can’t see a future for us”. And that was the end of that.
And on the other end, once a guy broke up with me, saying: “Hank, you may absolutely be the perfect woman, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you are just not a good enough tennis player, and I can’t live my life with that.” And that was the end of that.
How about you, Reds and readers? Any ridiculous breakups?
HALLIE EPHRON: My nastiest breakup came after my boyfriend dropped me at the airport for a trip to Ghana (I had a summer job) and then (I found out later) he ran off to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. To add insult to injury, it turned out the plane I was ticketed on was over-sold and I had to find a way back to my parents’ apartment in New York, tail between my legs, and never did get to Ghana. A week later I reconnected with the boy I’d dumped … who turned out to be the keeper of a lifetime, my Jerry.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: I think the worst would be the boyfriend who dumped me for my best friend (I was sixteen, he was eighteen.) I was also friends with his younger sister, and when I would come over to see the sister, ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend would be naked in bed, holding court like John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Ouch. However, I am now friends with him on Facebook, and sort of named a character after him in A KILLING OF INNOCENTS, so I suppose time heals all wounds.
JENN McKINLAY: This reminds me of Seinfeld and all the ridiculous reasons they would have to break up with people – a close talker, a face painter, they had something off-putting like wart remover in their medicine cabinet, etc. I dumped a guy because he was a horrible tipper – inexcusable. And I was dumped because I am freakishly tall. Dude might have thought about that before he asked me out. Sheesh.
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RHYS BOWEN: I was once the dumper to a very nice boy and still feel bad about it. I had a boyfriend in Germany whom I was very keen on. But I was back in England at college so I met this boy called Alex and went out with him. He started to get too keen on me so a friend told me to write him a letter to break it off saying it wasn’t fair to my regular boy friend. I did this and regretted it instantly. It really hurt Alex. I hadn’t realized until then how much he liked me. Until then I hadn’t realized that guys have feelings too!
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LUCY BURDETTE: I have one for each side. I think it was in eighth grade and my sister was having a boy-girl party as she was a year older. My mother must have suggested that my friend Laura and I could also each invite one boy. Oh, the drama! Hers declined, but mine accepted, and then I went into full panic mode. He came, but I don’t think I even spoke to him because he was wearing tall white socks. Did you hear me sisters? Tall, white socks! I’m so sorry Jay I was that shallowđ
Worst dumping line, when a guy I’d been seeing for a while and liked very much, said to me: I think we could have a nice enough life. And that was the end of that!
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JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Lucy, talk about damning with faint praise! My silliest breakup was with the archaeology professor I started dating in my senior year. He was twenty years older than I, and though he had a lot of nice qualities (and I thought he was hot) I came to realize I was both too mature for him - yes, I’m being serious! - and also that I was too young to spend all my couple-time socializing with academics in their early forties.
I was living in DC, and he was in upstate NY, and the breaking point came after I saw a matinee of FOOTLOOSE. Walking out of the theater, I thought, “I’m wasting my youth on this guy! I want to have fun and go dancing!” So I sent him a dear John letter. And then the skunk confessed he’d cheated on me when he was at his dig the past summer!!! I was so glad I’d kicked him foot-loose.
About ten months later, I went to a GW graduate student mixer and met this curly-haired redhead named Ross. And yes, we did go dancing and had lots of fun!
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Jen, you are not freakishly tall. And SO agree about the tipping thing--that is just the "tip" of the psychological iceberg. Julia, I love that movies were the catalyst for both of us! Lucy, “a nice enough life”?? Whoa. How about you, Reds and Readers? Any funny stories about breakups?
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ReplyDeleteOkay, some of these are pretty funny . . . .
ReplyDeleteAgreed! x
DeleteThanks for the chuckles this morning! Aren't humans funny?
ReplyDeleteA guy I was flirting with for a couple weeks, but never went out with, let me down "gently" by telling me he wanted a girl "just like you, but not you". It still makes me laugh that he thought that was kind.
After my first date with Steve he left town for a planned six-week trip. During that time I met another guy, very nice, but as exciting as watching paint dry. He took me out for a nice dinner with friends, on what happened to be my birthday, our second date. When he took me home he said his friends would be expecting him to stay at my place that night. Well, *I* was not expecting that. Thanks for dinner, Harry. Buh-bye.
On our way to England this past September, Harry and his wife (of 46 years) were on our flight, sitting a couple rows behind, and were also on our shuttle to the train station, on their way to Norway.
Oh Karen, that’s too funny to be traveling “together!”
DeleteBut did you remind Harry of that moment Karen??
DeleteNo. For one thing, I don't think his wife knows we went out, and they started dating soon after. We have mutual friends, so I have seen him a handful of times over the years, but I have never brought it up.
DeleteLisa, it was weird!
Karen, I am quietly chuckling because if you recognized him and remembered that incident and thought it was weird, what was he thinking? Hah!
DeleteJudy, it was more than 48 years ago, so he has no doubt forgotten. He seems to be having memory issues, because his wife did almost all the talking when we conversed on the shuttle.
DeleteJust like you but not you? AHHHHHHHHH
DeleteI went out with an engineer once who only went to bars where they served free hors d'oeuvres at happy hour. I think I bought my own drink. No second date.
ReplyDeleteLots of guys stopped seeing me but I can't think of one that's funny. There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.
Judy, that is such an engineer thing to do. We can be so cheap. My husband worked for the fed government and some of his co-workers would only stay at hotels with a happy hour so they could pocket their dinner per diem.
DeleteI actually dated several engineers then married one. There is a tendency towards...ahem...such behavior. My husband, however, is a good tipper and is never looking for a handout or the "free ride."
DeleteOnly freebies! run away run away... :-)
DeleteYou picked a good one!
DeleteI’m still married to my high school boyfriend, so no funny stories for me. I think some of these are very good litmus tests.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, assuming you're gloriously happy!
DeleteAww....
DeleteThe weirdest breakup happened a number of years ago while the wife and daughter were out of town and I hooked up with this hot editor (let's call her Alex) because sometimes a a guy's gotta do what a guy gotta do, you know? So, badda-bing, badda-boom, and I go back to my wife Beth and this crazy chick goes all bonkers. She tries to cut her wrists, says she can't live without me, and claims she's pregnant. Sheesh! So anyway, she begins stalking me and making threats and what-not. She even goes so far as to boil my daughter's per rabbit on my stove. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to let little Willy go a-wandering. My biggest mistake was to tell the story to this Hollywood guy I knew. -- Dan Gallagher
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha...xoxo
DeleteFunny thing. My husband is scared of Glenn Close.
DeleteJenn, I dumped a guy also for being a bad tipper - in NY we were told to double the tax for the tip. This jerk saw that the tax was $2 and put $1 on the table and told me to put in the other dollar. Good bye! Then I dumped another guy because he was too stupid to live.
ReplyDeleteOh, did you burst out laughing?
DeleteYes engineers are fiscally retentive. My husband is the coupon king. He does at least tip on the full amount.
ReplyDeleteI think all my other few dating experiences just ended in what they now call ghosting as I don’t really remember dumping or being dumped.
yes, sometimes it's just...over.
DeleteThese are some stories! So many breakups, so little time. I broke up with a guy in grad school when we were walking in the woods. I picked up a piece of trash to throw it away later, and he said, "You don't want to do that." Yeah, no. Nobody gets to tells me what I want to do.
ReplyDeleteMy first big love kind of broke up with me while we were living together in Japan. He started talking about traveling the world after he got out of the Navy, but he always phrased it as "I" not "we." So I applied to grad schools. After we left Japan, we had a lovely summer together in California then he drove me to Indiana, and off he went. But we're still friends.
Also, happy belated birthday to Roberta/Lucy!
DeleteThe pronouns will always tell the story! You figured him out via grammar. Love that!
DeleteOh my, laughing so. There are some country-western songs here for sure! Humans are funny.
ReplyDeleteSO true!
DeleteThese are too funny. My first really serious boyfriend in college (I fell hard) broke up with me by bringing me yellow roses (for my sorrow) with a little note. We got back together a few months later and were all hot and heavy for about a year, but it always seemed like it was temporary. We didn't talk about the future. Then he moved to Eugene for school and we had a plan that he would come visit for a few days in Portland. He was 24 hours late (he was always late) and then he broke up with me again. He had met someone there. I was a little relieved to get it finally over with.
ReplyDelete"He was always late"--yup, bye bye.
DeleteMy second-year university a fellow from Bermuda and Scotland glommed on to me. He was fun enough, but nothing special to me. After 2 years, he assumed he would be taking me to my graduation, and I turned him down for spite, and went with another fellow. I should have gone with the first guy. Apparently, his wife looks just like me.
ReplyDeleteThen there was the fellow who wore snake-eye cowboy boots, played C&W all the time, failed to wash his hair and never gave up. Wayne the Pain! Nope, nope, just really nope! He did present me with a groundhog carcass – how thrilling!
Then there was the blind date - oh yes, I married him. Redeeming features - few, but it works.
Groundhog carcass--what??
DeleteI was a room clerk at the Statler Hilton in Washington DC after college (that's what a philosophy degree is good for) and I did loving on the back of motorcycles. A co-worker asked me to a date which would involve that form of transportation. His idea of a 'date' was the Highland Motel ... I got a taxi back to the YWCA where I lived! The good part -- I got tickets to a play in Georgetown and met my spouse of more than fifty years on the sidewalk at intermission.
ReplyDeletewow, fate!
DeleteI cannot recall a good breakup story, but I did have one never-quite-got-started story. I was an undergrad but for some reason I was taking one class that met just once a week in the evening and therefore had some non-traditional students in it -- people who worked days. There was a guy 10 to 15 years older than me in the class. He wasn't a traditional dreamboat by any means -- had a significant limp, as I recall, was maybe slightly balding -- but he was bright and funny and after getting to know him some in class, I asked him out. He accepted -- then stood me up! When I saw him in class the next time, he sheepishly told me he had a steady, longterm girlfriend who showed up at his place about the time he would have been leaving to see me. He had just planned to come on the one date with me to see where it went, and didn't have the guts to tell her so he just spent the evening with her. Needless to say, even our in-class friendship cooled after that.
ReplyDeletePlus, you got so real insight into who he really was, all right!
DeleteReminded me of this guy Oren who stood me up! I never saw him again. I doubt he was a student at university because when I met him he didn’t have books nor backpack. This was in the 1980s. We were supposed to meet for coffee. I waited then had to leave because I had another class three hours later!
DeleteThese stories make me glad that I've spent my life mostly avoiding relationships. Hell, I don't even want to get invited to weddings in case someone is dumb enough to try to fix me up with someone there (unlikely I know but can't be too careful).
ReplyDeleteAnd when I was dumb enough to try and date someone, the last three attempts convinced me to retire from chasing women. They are collectively known as The Disaster, The Aftershock and The Regret.
The Disaster (2014) - Found out after the fact that she cheated on me for a month before she told me over Facebook, "I think we should just be friends." And had the temerity to get mad when my response was, "Please update your Facebook status then". I guess she thought I was going to rend my garments trying to get her to not break up with me. WRONG. I was still coaching then and my philosophy was, "I coach games, I don't play them."
The Aftershock (2015) - Goes out the night before we were supposed to hang out. Messages me that next day saying, "I was out with friends and I met a guy. We talked all night and I want to give it a shot with him." Then broke up with him and a procession of four other guys in quick succession. Speaking of Hank's tennis-related breakup, I'm not a tennis ball.
The Regret (2018) - Woman I've adored since we were 14 or so. Finally she's free, finally I ask her out. Turns out I wanted more than she did. And in what is no surprise to anyone, she's the opposite of my bitterly sarcastic and occasionally witty dourness.
So I'm done.
Also, even if I wasn't done, going back to Jenn's "might've considered that before he asked me out" thing, I have three rules before I would ask someone out. Can't be excessively religious (or expect me to be), can't be a vegetarian (I will never give up the various forms of meat I enjoy)...and the last one is well...I think this Youtube video explains it best : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-yHSaP0Dyg&list=RDx-yHSaP0Dyg&start_radio=1
(Um, what is Firefly?)
DeleteJay, too funny. I don't think I could date someone who didn't like "Firefly" either.
DeleteEdith - Only one of the single greatest achievements in television history! :D
DeleteLiz - Glad I'm not the only one. LOL!
Love it, Jay!! And now I want to watch Firefly again...
DeleteOh, Jay, Firefly. Yup, a good litmus test!
DeleteOooh, that was fun. I should pull out my dvd set for a binge watch on this very snowy day
DeleteYou're right, Jay. It's a deal breaker.
DeleteFrom your photo with Edith, you are handsome and I can see why women would like you. Looks are not everything.
DeleteIn college my boyfriend broke up with me because his best friend broke up with his girlfriend and "we always do things together." Um, okay.
ReplyDeleteAnother guy broke up with me because "I think I'm meant to be a priest." I have no idea if that ever actually happened.
Oh, yikes...
DeleteUsually, a breakup starts out, "It's not you, it's me." But, "I think I'm meant to be a priest." ??
DeleteMy very first boy friend at age 15…he was 17, (a summer romance) did indeed enter studies for the priesthood at the end of the summer. And invited me to his ordination (3 or 4 years later. Can’t remember the details.) . I went. Elisabeth
DeleteOh Hank, you were so right to draw the line at Nashville! Such a brilliant film - a guy who loathed Nashville was not worth your time. And Julia, so glad you chose Ross and Hallie that you chose Jerry. Perfect matches, both.
ReplyDeleteI have a good post-breakup story. A woman I told to take a hike after numerous transgressions tried to win me back by bringing champagne and lobsters to my house, which at the time was on an island, right on the shore. When made it clear there was not to be a do-over, she stomped out, taking the champagne with her. Me? I went down to the beach and removed the bands from the lobster claws and set them free. I could not imagine cooking and eating them, and it felt so empowering to give them back to the sea.
Be free, little lobsters! Back to the sea! I love it, Brenda!
DeleteThis is a GREAT story and MUST find its way into a book, no?
DeleteThat is hilarious.
DeleteLobster Liberation!
DeleteThere is definitely a story in that.
DeleteNo really good break up stories, but a few on the what were they thinking side: the guy who asked me to come over some night to check out his record collection. Yep, no. I might be a little country girl, but I didn't just fall off a hay wagon, either. The fellow grad student who was stalking me one day off campus, so I darted into a shop. Imagine his sheepish look when he found himself in a dress shop. Buying a gift for your sister, hmmm?
ReplyDeleteHa ha, the record collection!
DeleteDamn, I wish I had some amusing stories to shared, but have none. I'm loving reading these here, though. Thanks for the jaw-drops and the chuckles this morning.
ReplyDeleteYes, some terrific stories!
DeleteI broke up with a trucker once whose only conversation was about trucks. I did feel sorry for him, so I wrote this:
ReplyDeleteSearch
I see the soul of someone when the tide of life is high
Who reaches out to hold me while I'm aiming at the sky.
I hesitate and ponder and wonder at the soul
Who wants me as I want the sky and pulls me as I go.
The eyes of soul are lonely and full of tears when I
Turn back again, unwavered, in my goal of endless sky.
Wow, that is so moving! And yes, more to life than trucks, for you at least!
DeleteHow do you tell someone they're the most boring person on the planet? I never got it right, until I met my physicist husband. We talk about politics and soccer, not science.
ReplyDeleteBrenda, loved the lobster story! I'm waiting to see it in print.
Oh, I have had that very feeling! Like : If you don't leave, I am going to fall on the floor and pretend to have fainted.
DeleteThe only dramatic breakup for me was when the love of my life told me he wanted to see other people (translated in my mind as he was moving on.). Heartbroken as I was, I dated, he didn't. We got back together and fifty-five years later, we're still married.
ReplyDeleteThat's so great!
DeleteHANK: I’m laughing because my mom liked the movie Nashville while my dad didn’t like the movie. I’ll have to see the movie with captions. My dad preferred science fiction movies.
ReplyDeleteCannot recall a break up story. Agreed that guys do have feelings too.
Yes, it must be quite the dividing line!
DeleteOh my! What a fascinating memory this question dredged up. I was 18 and this guy who owned a Corvette Stingray asked me out to a drive-in movie. Well, way back then, drive-in movies held lots of interesting preconceptions when you were a teen. I'll let you fill in the blanks accordingly. He picked me up and all he talked about was how he'd cleaned and waxed the car for the occasion. We got to the drive-in and parked away from other folks so no one could scratch his baby. You can imagine how much "fun" it was watching him figure out how to get the speaker mounted on the window without harming his girl. The death knell rang when we could not even have snacks because we might spill something on the interior. Needless to say, that was the last time we went out anywhere. -- Victoria
ReplyDeleteOh, dear, he cared more about his car than he did about you. Bye bye. Teenage boys. :-)
DeleteThe sad thing is that he was in his 20s. Can't even blame teenage stupidity. - Victoria
DeleteSuch great stories! And great photos to illustrate the post, Hank!
ReplyDeleteBetter than fiction! xx
DeleteYes, wonderful photos, Hank. Another performance break-up story: my father in law was married to his second wife, and had been, apparently, chugging along for several years. They went to see EQUUS on Broadway (they were both horse professionals) and he walked out of the theater thinking, "Life's too short for this." He filed for divorce within the month!
ReplyDeleteJust goes to show you the value of the arts...
That is SO interesting, truly! Yes, what a moment.
DeleteI dumped a guy in college before I even dated him. He saw me in the library in all my redheaded glory and told me it was the same color as his mother's. He got this faraway look in his eyes as he said that. He tried to set up a date several times even as I told him my boyfriend was in Vietnam. Finally I told him to call me at the dorm a day after finals. Yep. I had left for home by then.
ReplyDeleteThen we have the kind dump which I hate. The guy tells you how wonderful you are, and you won't have any trouble finding a new guy, etc. (If I'm so wonderful why are you dumping me?) I wound up changing schools for family health reasons. Found myself in his hometown one summer and decided to try to scare the hell out of him. I called him up and asked for my math book back that I loaned him. It backfired. He was thrilled to hear from me, took me out several times, and we entered a long distance relationship. I married him, he got over his Vietnam wackadoodles, and we're still together.
Wow! Plot twist! Love this!
DeleteThese are hilarious and may or may not be used in a future rom com - just sayin'!
ReplyDeleteNo stealing my freeing the lobsters story! I have just the right characters to re-enact it on the page.
DeleteI see you taking notes, Jenn McKinlay! XOXO
DeleteNo hilarious story. My fiancé was killed on 7 July in London during the terrorist attacks.
ReplyDeleteSuch a horrific attack. So sorry for your loss.
ReplyDelete