JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Well, we're in the season now, aren't we, dear readers? I know you're all thinking of me, so I made up a Christmas gift list! Please send my presents to:
100 WillIEverFinishThisBook Drive
Frickin' Freezing, Maine.
Here's what I want for the holidays:
A tiny incinerator. Into which I can toss the tiny mouse corpses my cat keeps leaving beside the litter box. Yes, it's great she's ridding my home of pests. I love her mousing skills! But then I have to take the decedent out and give it a proper disposal, by which I mean I fling it as far as possible into the back field. Of course, if the dogs are out with me, as is usual, they think it's a game and chase after it... you can see where this is going, yes? How much energy could it take to turn .68 oz into a teeny weeny pile of ash?
A full eight hours sleep without peeing. I stop drinking my beloved tea by 3pm. I don't have any water after 6pm. Where is it coming from? The most aggravating part is the way the dogs will have taken my place in the warm spot by the time I get back into bed. Nobody needs to be shifting Shih Tzus at 3 in the morning.
A small vacuum that can clean up the cat hairs clogging my keyboard. I mean, this need to have the power of a jet engine in reverse. My cat likes to sit next to my laptop and get skritches while I (allegedly) work. The end result? A fine layer of cat fur on my desk, the curtain, the wall, etc., etc. Meanwhile my keyboard seems to be going through puberty, because hairs just. Keep. Popping. Up. From the keys, yes. To be perfectly frank, it's disturbing.
Immortal, unkillable houseplants. Don't get me wrong, I have several successful plants in my house. Christmas cactus, kalenchoes, Friendship plants and peace lilies. Even a couple of geraniums that are still clinging to life! But lets face it. The potting table in the barn looks like a houseplant mausoleum. There's the withered remains of the pothos... the dusty tracings of sweet potato vine... the gnarled claw of a desiccated anthurium. Not to mention the succulents - I suc at succulents. Give me the houseplant equivalent of those bacteria than can thrive in the interior of volcanoes and in the arctic wasteland, please.
Chocolate with zero calories that tastes good. We've put men on the moon. We've put robots on Mars. Now we're sending robots to the moon (is this a trend I should worry about?) Isn't there some way someone can deliver a chocolatey treat that won't make the number on the scale rise? I want to lose weight to live to be a healthy senior citizen, but it's getting perilously close to Dove Bars + an early death.
An internet filter that will delete and block any mention of NFTs, eths, bitcoin or blockchain. The most obnoxious people online, marketing the most baffling "investment" vehicle ever. At tax time, my accountant asked me if I had any investments in digital currencies. Hell no! I can barely understand how stocks and bonds work; I'm not touching anything that ApeFan593759.eth is praising as the new way to wealth. Please, just let me skip past all that and get to the cute dog pics.
A third season for The Orville. It's been my favorite science fiction show in years. It has everything - humor, touching moments, great characters, thought-provoking plot lines, so of course, it gets cut off after three seasons. Meanwhile, The Bachelor is on it's twenty-seventh year of bringing us vacuous people in hot tubs. C'mon, Disney+, do me a solid.
A $2500 gift certificate to a bookstore. Oh, it's a book? Thank you! I love it! I'll read it overnight, and then what? Let's be real, I easily spend that sum on hardcovers, ebooks and audiobooks in a year. One book is like one M&M to me (see chocolate, above.) I'm like the famous budget meme, except it's reading material instead of candles:
How about you, dear readers? What's on your wish list?
ReplyDeleteOkay, I’m reading this, Julia, and chuckling while I keep nodding my head in agreement.
Yes, that zero calorie chocolate is on my list . . . .
Here it’s a Crown of Thorns, a Fiddle Leaf Fig, and a Croton plant that I’m doing everything in my power to keep alive . . . .
Book money is good . . . and a few more bookshelves to put them all on?
I’m really wishing for no snow to shovel this winter [but I’m not holding out too much hope] . . . .
Getting all the family together is at the top of my wish list . . . .
Oh, you're a brave woman, Joan. As much as I love the look of Fiddle Leaf Figs, I've heard how picky they are and decided I wasn't even going to go there.
DeleteJulia, they're all pretty fussy about the temperature but the Fiddle Leaf Fig is actually the most forgiving of the three plants . . . the Crown of Thorns is the one that requires the most babying . . . .
DeleteJoan: The sexton at church was tending a very well established Crown of Thorns of a parishioner who needed to move into assisted living. He cut some long pieces to wrap around a grapevine wreath for Good Friday. We boxed the who!e thing up and the next year, when we took it out, it had sprouted.
DeleteThat's amazing, Deana!
DeleteJulia, you crack me up. Not much on my wish list except to win Megamillion or Powerball. And for family gatherings.
ReplyDeleteDru, that's the top of my list too - bring on those Rich People Problems!
DeleteDru, you're thnking too small. You also need to start wishing for a fantastically rich distant relative you've never heard of, you leaves you everything in his will. (After dying peacefully in his nineties, of course, we aren't ghouls.)
DeleteI'm adding that to my wish list.
DeleteSo funny, as usual, Julia. I'm right there with you on the giant book gift certificate and the eight hours sleep. If it helps, having to get up at least means your kidneys are working.
ReplyDeleteI'd like a promise of no big snow events the second week of February. I (and other family members going) need clear skies to get to Puerto Rico for my younger boy's wedding. And while I'm thinking small, I also request a very nice deal for a new project my agent is going to be shopping around in January.
Edith: How intriguing your January sounds!
DeleteEdith, had to laugh at the "good weather in February Christmas gift." When Irwin and I were engaged we went to see the Rabbi to choose a date. He told us he had February 1 or 8 available. I told him I wanted the one without the snow ❄️ storm. He said, "Judy, I don't have that kind of influence. " (Everyone is a comedian. )
DeleteFingers crossed for your project and for your good weather, Edith. At least when you get down to Puerto Rico, you'll be guaranteed no snow... sigh.
DeleteOh my goodness, Julia, so funny! But I think you're aiming too low with that book certificate at only $2500. Go bigger -- like at least double, I'd say.
ReplyDeleteAs for my list, please can we divert one of those robots heading into space and bring them to my house where they can clean the cat's litter box. I love my cat, but keeping the box clean for her does not rank high on my love-to-do list. I'll skip the houseplants, as my silk-fake ones do me just fine. But how about world peace, while we're dreaming up (impossible) gifts?
Amanda, I could have done a whole other list just on the cat box... sigh. We feed them, we pet them, we buy them toys and we scoop their poop - who owns who in this picture?
DeleteOh, indeed. We are merely the (loving) support staff, I fear.
DeleteGet one of the new robotic self/cleaning litter box systems. It will message your phone when new litter is needed. They work well, and even the cats like it.
DeleteLove this Julia, but please keep writing! I agree with Amanda on the cat litter cleanup, and a big big gift certificate to my favorite independent bookstores!!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, Lucy, I'll keepo pounding out fiction on my hairy keyboard. :-)
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ReplyDeleteJULIA: Love your Christmas list!
ReplyDeleteMe, I wish for a pair of New Balance (NB) running shoes that are super long-lasting. I wear out each pair every 4 months with my long walks. They cost $180 CDN so I was chuffed to get a pair on sale while in Minneapolis for $90 US.
Hmmm, and a couple more wall-to-ceiling bookcases would be nice. I already have 22 bookcases but definitely need more since new books somehow constantly arrive on my doorstep, lol.
And a life-time free subscription to Kicking Horse Coffee, please. I have been drinking this for over a decade so I am a faithful consumer.
Obvs, Grace, you need a strapping young man to arrive at your door with a bag of coffee and a box of NBs, and stay to build a new bookcase!
DeleteJulia, in your spare time, write that romcom :-) Just sayin', from Flora
DeleteTry another brand of running shoes. If you are not running they should last at least eight months to a year. I get 500 miles on my running shoes. I buy Nike and Adidas. I run forty miles a week.
DeleteI walk 75-80 km/45-50 miles a week, so similar distances to your running.
DeleteI used to wear Nike Air Pegasus but can't stand the new design and switched to NB which is also better for my wider feet.
Not sure whether to lead with sleep comments or mice but my darling daughter opened the cupboard door in the guest bath last night only to find 2 corpses, corpsi? on the floor with accompanying odor. Despite the amount of copper knitting squeezed into any cracks she said they had constructed a new entry. Back to the Maine Mouse trap! I feel your pain Julia and will sign up for the incinerator. Yes, books, books, books please including all the JRW. not going to comment on the white stuff but if it wants to miss a year I could deal with that. Hair, yes I’ll add more hair to my list as mine appears to be off to a younger body. I looked at daughter and grandsons last night and while loving them to death how is it that they have hair and to spare? Should I bite the bullet and go Marine?
ReplyDelete- Celia
Celia, maybe we should all encourage our abundantly-haired daughters to donate to Locks of Love - for us! I think I'd look great in a wig made from Youngest's red tresses. :-D
DeleteAnd dead mice stink far, far more than their teeny size warrants. How is that possible? As long as you're inventing a mouse incinerator, best to make it a flash fryer to minimize the stench.
ReplyDeleteI'm fairly certain crypto-currency was invented by young men who were bored with video games.
World peace would be on my list, too, Amanda, and maybe a coffee pot that cleans itself. In other words, not much. Ha.
Oh, I learned that about mice when, as a young and naive homeowner, I tossed one into the waste bin. I mean, meat scraps are fine until trash collection day, right? NEVER AGAIN.
DeleteLive mice poop smells almost as bad as dead mice. Once, when they were getting into an apartment I lived in via a wall fan, I had nightmares that my house was full of mouse eggs (yes, I know they're mammals, but the sleeping brain does not!). They were nesting near my gas stove's pilot light. I took the whole stove apart with a screwdriver! My rat terrier, true to her breed's name, got one of them!
DeleteMOUSE EGGS? Terrifying.
DeleteHilarious! I'm with you on the house plants (which had me reimagining a favorite hymn) My poor neighbor kept giving me plants (including a fake cactus) to put in my high (above my head) bathroom window--I think because he was worried that people could see in. The fake cactus hasn't died; everything else has.
ReplyDeleteMy wish list includes more time each day--so I can read all these wonderful book recommendations and still take care of my life
Gillian, I confess, I have about half fake plants in my house. I need a few I don't have to worry about getting enough (or too much) light and that won't keel over when the indoor temp goes down to 52 overnight...
DeleteJulia, good list. Practical and excellent reasoning.
ReplyDeleteIrwin doesn't mind if the books arrive on Kindle. But he's been giving the paper ones away and is easily miffed when he sees new ones arriving in boxes from booksellers all over the place.
I'd like about 6 more hours in the day. Kenai is old and quite ill. We know his time is near but we're not ready to say goodbye. These days, he wants something different for every meal and only home cooked. This has definitely made my day less productive. He is being offered better food than you'd get at a diner. This takes time. I need that time to keep up with ordinary stuff around here. Sigh. Love is hard.
Okay, I'll take a giant helping of world peace for dessert with my longer days.
Oh, Judy, sending you lots of hugs. We love our big dogs but they don't stay with us long enough.
DeleteCan I just say that what I'd NOT like under my tree or in my stocking is ANYTHING made of plastic or wrapped in plastic. I am haunted by the layers and layers of plastic products come in and the mountains of plastic trash I alone generate each day... even when I'm consciously trying not to. Maybe that's a Grinchy christmas wish but so be it.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you there, Hallie!
DeleteHere, here! At least the damn Amazon boxes can be reused and recycled.
DeleteYes to no plastic, Hallie. Absolutely.
DeleteGift cards. I'm good with gift cards. Book stores, places I eat, the comic shop I go to, the record shop I go to. I'm pretty easy.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Julia though...I would love to never have to hear about the bitcoin and related fake money pyramid schemes ever again. Oh, and if you could block those fake republicans who are just racist/homophobic etc. jackasses without the white sheet over their heads, that would be nice too. And figure out how to make Musk-ratf*ck sell Twitter and leave public life forever.
Otherwise, a healed back and a continued employment so I can pay for the roof over my head and my car and I'll be just fine.
Is that asking too much?
I'm with you, Jay. I love my Twitter! At this point, I'm just hoping Elno (my fave new nickname) will bankrupt it quickly so it can be purchased by someone competent.
DeleteYou should see the tweet that actor Wil Wheaton wrote about TwitterDestroyer. I retweeted it on my Twitter page. Wheaton both handily destroyed him AND won the Internet.
DeleteJay: Thanks for the tip about Wil Wheaton's tweet. I found it and enjoyed it. I'm going to second your wish for Elno (thanks Julia) to 'leave public life forever'. That would be good.
DeleteElno it is, Jay! And I will second your wish list all the way down. Off to look up Wil Wheaton's tweet now.
DeleteThis is so much fun to read! Julia, you are hilarious. I would like… Let me see… A box of good ideas. A big big box of good ideas.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe, yes, indeed, a cook. I’m not asking much. And if not a cook, somehow to have dinner magically and healthfully appear every evening, wouldn’t that be heavenly?
A girl can dream.
I believe the magically appearing dinner is called Door Dash, Hank! And maybe that should be the answer to the famous question, "Where do you get your ideas?": Santa brings 'em.
DeleteHurry, Santa! xxx
DeleteMeal service like Hello Fresh. Choose only twenty minute meals.
DeleteMy husband shops and cooks so I already have the magically appearing dinners. I would like a housecleaning fairy who keeps the house spotless and clutter free.
ReplyDeleteOh Julia! For the most part, your requests are my requests, especially for a full night's sleep. I have dry eyes and dry mouth which wake me up so I have to drink. Vicious cycle. The doctor told me there is something I could take so I wouldn't need the bathroom half a dozen times a night. Problem is, my mouth and eyes would be even drier, so I passed on that.
ReplyDeleteLOL - I adore you, Julia. Such a delightfully funny (and true) post! I NEED a time turner so I can keep doubling back in time to write. Make this so! I have to finish a book in 5 days - I'm only halfway done! ACKKKKKKKKK!
ReplyDeleteJenn. I can only say OMG. Only you could write half a book in five days but we are cheering you on!
DeleteFlora here, I'd like NONVIOLENT CONFLICT RESOLUTION FOR POLITICIANS, please. An online or in-person class required for all office holders world-wide. Free. And a housekeeper/groundskeeper/cook because I'd like just to get caught up on chores for once. And something to help my aches and pains that doesn't exponentially increase the number of times I need to get up in the night. And for all--a wonderful, stress-free holiday season with everything you can wish for under the tree!
ReplyDeleteRhys: I’m with you, Hank. A personal chef do I never have to hear the words “what had you planned for dinner?” Again!
ReplyDeleteAnd a space laser that would zap away all guns
And sane, decent people running the world
Oh, and a small bag of English chocolate!
PERFECT!
DeleteAll well said and well thought out.
ReplyDeleteBut the winner is: " shifting Shih Tzus ". The alliteration is perfect!
I hope Santa grants all your Christmas wishes!
ReplyDeleteI thought Orville got a third season that was released on Hulu and then Disney+. I thought we were waiting word on season 4. (Not that I've watched season 3 yet.)
ReplyDeleteYour list sounds reasonable, Julia. I'd like to add non-quarreling relatives when visiting each other and a kitchen that cleans up after the cook.
ReplyDeleteJulia, you are such a hoot! Mice are close to a phobia for me. As the weather gets colder, I live in dread of seeing one run across the floor, or as happened once, across the kitchen counter (yes, I bleached everything on that counter). We have some fields behind our property, and you can just count on a few mice every year. And, don't anyone tell me that there are many more. I will cover my ears and sing, "Lalalalala." So, I want a foolproof way to bar mice from getting inside my house.
ReplyDeleteBooks. The main clearing I had to do to clean house for family coming for Thanksgiving was relocating books to somewhere out of the way. It's not hoarding if you can clear a room in three days. My main Christmas present is one I always buy for myself. Well, it's actually more than one present, but they are all contained within one large Christmas bag. It is my Christmas Bag of Books. I take at least eight books (at least) and put in a holiday bag and, voila, the best present under the tree. I usually take this opportunity to buy some specialty books (like the Stranger Things pop-up book or a non-fiction book or two). Now, I won't spend $2,500 on books just for Christmas, but for the year, I refuse to add up the amount, which would exceed that.
Brenda mentioned a house-cleaning fairy, and that would be much appreciated, although I fear even they might have their limits when they encounter my house. And, I'm with you, Hank, on a cook or magically appearing dinners. If I could ban one question from my husband, it would be, "What are you thinking about for dinner?" I'm not thinking about anything for dinner at noon, really, dear, I'm not. It's not that he won't cook, but I somehow usually have to get involved in even that.
And, one more thing. I'd love to have lots of portals to whisk us all to one place around Christmas where we could have a Jungle Reds Christmas dinner. It would be somewhere with snow and sleigh bells and all that Christmas magic.
Too funny!!! I can help you with the house plant. My friend gave me a pothos over 2 years ago and it is still thriving. It needs minimal light and 3 T water once a week.
ReplyDeleteMy wish list: someone to magically shop, cook, and clean whom I never have to see. Ta da! It's done.
ReplyDeleteOur house in Houston to sell. Once that happens I can afford to have some things done to our new old house that need doing.
Julia, you can be thankful that you only find tiny rodent corpses, not the larger variety which we have in abundance. R-TS! and that your mighty feline hunter politely leaves them by the litterbox and not in the bed.
ReplyDeleteCount me in on the magical instant dinner--I'll take a year's subscription, thank you. And how about someone to come and completely organize every cabinet and cupboard in my house, and for FREE.
Debs- oh please! Send that organizer person my way! And Julia, there's only one thing to say. Fabulous post! You were definitely In The Zone when you wrote it. I would love to get that full night of sleep. Although, I must admit having to shuffle Shih Tzus certainly adds a new dimension to the problem.
ReplyDeleteJulia, I already love your writing in the form of Rev. Claire and Russ books, but I am with the others above who suggested you try your hand at rom-com writing (or maybe straight up comedy?!). Suggestion for warming the part of the bed the Shih Tzus leave you: one of those “rice socks” or whatever you can find that is heated in the microwave and used for achy body parts. I sleep with one all winter (in San Diego, can’t even imagine what a cold bed in Maine is like in the winter) to warm the bed. Thanks for the laughs! (World peace, no gun violence, and some sanity to the people who have gone off the deep end politically in the last six years are on my Christmas wish list.)
ReplyDeletePat S.
Loved reading this Julia! Fantastic, fun post!
ReplyDeleteGourmet Meal Service would be lovely also.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that can help with sleeping longer uninterrupted is to recline with legs elevated for a half hour or so before the final "rest stop" before bed. It helps move fluids from the extremities. I also found a bit of consolation in my sleep (and lung) doctor's opinion that six hours registered on the CPAP is acceptable as are naps. <3
DeleteThought on the keyboard . . . way back in the '80s when computers were new, exotic, and to be pampered, one could buy a plastic covering for the keyboard to protect it from stray particles. I'm not sure anyone makes such fanies now, but I wonder if loosely draped plastic wrap might help . . . (Mary G)