Maxxing Out

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Okay, let's leave the weather behind for a bit, shall we? Instead, let's goggle at the trends the youths are pursuing these days, specifically "maxxing."

 

If you're as terminally online as I am (I've GOT to use Freedom to block Reddit!) you've probably seen one of the most popular forms - looksmaxxing. This is popular among a subgroup of young men who don't believe what girls really want is someone thoughtful, reliable, and maybe has a sense of humor. Instead, these youts (shout out to My Cousin Vinny) do weird things to their faces and bodies with the goal of maximizing their attractiveness. One is famous for hitting himself in the jaw with a hammer, which, if I had know was effective, I could have used for Youngest's irregularly shaped lower mandible, and saved $8k on a surgical bill.

 

A newly popular concept is frictionmaxxing; adding in, you guessed it, friction to ordinary computer or machine assisted tasks so we don't all collectively lose our ability to think and move. If I had known about the term back in the old days, I would have used it to describe the sensation of wearing pantyhose in the summer.

 

But wait, there's more! Nonnamaxxing: acting like an Italian granny and making real food and taking time to enjoy it. I swear I'm not making this up, dear readers. Also, nothingmaxxing, which means Gen Z has discovered "daydreaming" and "staring into space vacantly."

 

On the flip side, you can also lifemaxx, making every aspect of your daily life all about productivity, improvement, and gainz. 

 

I've decided I should add some maxxing to my life. This are the fab new trends I propose, all of which I expect to see appear in trendy online magazines shortly.

 

Dopaminemaxxing - eating a whole bag of Reeses Easter peanut butter eggs (that you got for 50% off)

 

Sleepmaxxing - What's better than 8 hours? How about 10, with an extra half hour to snuggle under the duvet and nothingmaxx?

 

Fuelmaxxing - yeah, I'm driving 35 mph because that's the speed limit, buddy, and I don't care how close to my rear bumper you get with your Dodge Ram pickup. Don't you think about hitting me, because I'm also insurancemaxxing.

 

Gummaxxing - going to see if I an market this to my dentist as an alternative to the word 'flossing.'  I swear, this rebrand will probably turn a whole generation into after-every-meal flossers.

 

Babymaxxing - this is what I do when I drive up (at the speed limit, to save gas) and see my grandson Paulie. First I kiss his rosy cheeks (mwah!) then I play tummy tuba with his fat belly, and finally I eat his toes all up nom nom nom. Honestly, this is much more fun than any other maxxing. 

 

Shihtzumaxxiing - pretty much the same as babymaxxing, but with belly rubs instead of tummy tuba. 

 

Maxmaxxing - spending more time with my nephew Max.

 

Now it's your turn, dear readers. What do you think needs to be maxxed out in your life? 

Eight Questions

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: It's Friday! No, it doesn't mean I'm released from my life of too-many-pets bondage. But it does mean I'm reaching the end of the week with just enough gas in my metaphorical tank to roll down hill into Saturday. So instead of my thoughts, I'm sharing my questions:

 

1. What is is with those yards filled from door to sidewalk with Halloween decorations? I mean, yes, I get the idea, but... where the heck do people store those skeletons and monsters the rest of the year? I have an entire closet plus some space in the attic reserved for Christmas - how does anyone manage to keep decorations for both holidays?

 

2. Also thinking of fall decor: why are pumpkins so expensive? I saw a photo of an attractive fall front porch display I thought I'd try. I have nice branches and bittersweet; all I needed was some interesting gourds. Imagine my shock when I priced them out at the local farm stand and realized I could get an overnight at The Parker Hotel in Boston for the same price. C'mon, dudes, they're inedible; we know those giant squashes are just compost-in-waiting.

 

3. Why do I always fall for the sale-priced grocery item that's JUST about to be unappealing because the weather is changing? I had to toss a hermetically sealed package of kielbasa that I bought in the summer. Turns out all the dishes I use the sausage for are, you know, cold weather meals. Now I've got two containers of mixed salad greens about to decompose in the veggie drawer of my fridge, because it was 78F/25C when I bought them and now... it's too cold for salad. Is this a me problem?

 

4. This is a little out of the ordinary, but why are people who work in the ER (aka the ED) so attractive? No, I don't mean in The Pitt, and I'm not saying that because the last time I had to go in for an emergency I was given excellent drugs. At Maine Medical Center,  85% of the doctors, nurses and techs look like LL Bean athletic wear models. Are people just better looking in Maine? (Feel free to say yes.)

 

5. I was filling up the car the other day and used my loyalty card for an extra five cents off, and I was suddenly reminded of my youth, when my Mom would get a water glass every time she bought a full tank of gas. Really nice amber ones, too - very seventies. We all know you can get glasses at the Dollar Tree for $1.25 each, which means they must wholesale for something like forty cents. Why don't they do those gas station giveaways any more?

 

6. Does anyone know what the heck Bruno Mars and Rosé (yes, I had to look up the artists) mean when they sing, "Meet me at the A.P.T. uh huh, A.P.T. uh huh," etc. Is it a store? The initials of a nightclub? Does it have anything to do with AI? Speaking of which...

 

7. Am I the only one who would pay a monthly subscription if I never had to see or hear anything about AI again? 

 

8. Finally, and I think I speak for all of us of a certain age, when you go to buy readers/cheaters why do they never have sample glasses you can put on to determine how much magnification you need? I can slip on sunglasses before I buy - even expensive ones! - but check out the differences between 1.5 and 2.5 at TJ Maxx? No way, those 3 for $9 babies are staying sealed in plastic. I feel there may be some age discrimination at play here.

 

Okay, dear readers, you have my questions. What are the answers?

Dos and Don'ts for Tourists

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: It's that time of year when we welcome peoples from all over the US and abroad to Vacationland, i.e., Maine. (If you're planning on visiting, please ignore what I said Monday about it being a cold summer. It's perfect.) We genuinely like to see folks traveling here, loving the same landscape and waters we love, and, to be perfectly honest? we need your money. 

 

(Separate note: we especially love our neighbors from the North, but we understand and empathize with your reasons for not visiting this year.) 

However! Having lived for close to four decades in a tourist destination (and for four years in DC before that) I have some dos and don'ts for you that will make the difference between Mainers saying to each other, "Gosh, weren't those nice folks?" and slashing your tires when they see your out-of-state license plates (Ha! Ha! No, we only did that during the early days of Covid.)

 

Don't feed the sea gulls. Yes, I know they seem beautiful and graceful and that you read Jonathan Livingston Seagull when you were 12. They're rats. Aggressive, feathered rats.

 

Do merge a half-mile (at least) before the actual merge point. We see you, with your out-of-state plates, zooming past all the Mainers who got into the right lane as soon as they saw the MERGE sign. We are judging the heck out of you.

 

Don't wear jewelry on the beach. This isn't the Jersey Shore. 

 

Do park in the appropriate spot. Yes, you may have to walk a little farther. But it's probably a lot less expensive than it is where you come from, and trust me, the local cops or sheriff's deputies will be wicked keen to have you towed out of Skip Tarbox's driveway.

 

Don't try to imitate a  Maine accent. Please. I beg you. There are third and fourth generation Mainers who can't do the accent. Neither can you.

 

Do wear the lobster bib. Yes, it's silly. But that delicious treat is messy, and you don't want to have butter stains sitting on your shirt until you get back home.

 

Don't show up dressed head to toe in brand new LL Bean clothing. Beat up old LL Bean clothing is acceptable, as is one new item with the rest of your outfit suitably worn, verging on shabby. See: not the Jersey Shore, above.

 

Do ask how to crack the lobster. The locals next to you are willing to help! We love introducing visitors to our iconic dish.

 

Don't get to close to the sea in rough weather. We have some lovely sandy beaches. We have a lot more stony, granite-boulder stretches that can be genuinely dangerous under certain conditions. If you see a warning sign, yes, this does mean you.

 

Do shop like the locals, at Reny's and Mardens. Reny's is "out" as a Maine staple, and you'll actually see people in New York and DC wearing their labeled gear. There are no labels at Mardens, but it has wicked great bargains and a jingle everyone in Maine can sing. 

 

Don't drink and boat. Do you want to come home tired and happy from your vacation? Or do you want to come home in a box? Those lakes are deeper and much colder than you think.

 

Likewise, Do be aware the ocean is friggin' cold.  The Gulf Stream, which makes the Jersey Shore so warm and delightful, is way the heck off the continental slope up here. The average water temperature in August is 61° to 64° (16° to 17°.)

 

Don't amble across Route One. Like, you don't have to run, but be as brisk as possible. We're trying to get places, people.

 

Do visit some out of the ordinary locations. Maine is more than the ten mile strip along the Atlantic. Check out a concert in Bangor, or the slow pace in the Lakes Region, or the charming towns near the southern NH border, like Cornish and Fryeburg.

 

Don't think you can get ahead on Route One by speeding and passing. It's a two lane road, bub. Cool your jets.

 

Do wear sunscreen!  The sun can also kill you, though not as quickly as being foolish around water.

 

Don't write articles about how quaint and idyllic our life is. There's a whole genre of newspaper commentors who come to Maine and then produce lovely, poetic paeans to the peaceful, authentic way of life and how noble and wise the natives are. Yes, our state motto is "The Way Life Should Be." But it's idyllic because you're on vacation, bub. Come to my house in January and you'll sing a different friggin' tune.

 

How about you, dear readers? Any suggestions for when we visit your neck of the woods?  

Aging Is Like Puberty, And About As Much Fun

Happy Canada Day to all our Northern Neighbors!          

 

 

 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I had my annual checkup with my NP recently, and discovered once again almost every physical change or symptom I experience is something "you can expect as you get older." (Did I mention my NP is literally young enough to be my son? Of course he is. Medical practitioners my age are frickin' retiring.)

Trouble with insomnia? "You can expect that as you get older." Bouts of vertigo when I lie down and get up?  "You can expect that as you get older."Acid indigestion? "You can expect that as you get older." I expect if I told him I was growing a second head, I'd find out that, too, is just one of those things that happen as you... you know the drill.

I've been thinking about the last time my body ran away with me - puberty - and decided the physical process of maturing has a lot of similarities with what happens as we age, except that after puberty we get to drink and have sex, while after completing aging... again, you know the drill.

Puberty: I am horrified to find the skin on my face, to which I had never given any thought other than to make sure it was washed, is embarrassing and betraying my by breaking out in zits.

Aging:  I am horrified to find the skin on my face, which I have been lavishing with elaborate and expensive serums, moisturizers and sun screens, has creases that don't iron out and has broken out in solar lentigines, AKA liver spots. 

Puberty: Oh, no, my boobs are getting as big as my grandmother's!

Aging: Oh, no, my bunions are getting as big as my grandmother's!

Puberty: I wake up once a month wracked with cramps. (My first time, when I come downstairs complaining, my mother dances around the kitchen singing, I Enjoy Being A Girl.) 

Aging: I wake up once a month wracked with cramps. I have dared to eat a little too much of whatever food substance my body's decided is verboten right now. Sadly, no on sings and dances in the kitchen.

Puberty: I worry a lot about nuclear war.

Aging: I worry a lot about nuclear war.

Puberty: My joints ache as they strain to keep up with my bones growing three inches in height annually for three years.

Aging: My joints ache from arthritis. Oh, and I've lost three inches in height! What the hell, bones?!?

Puberty: I experience a mix of panic and excitement with I think about cute boys in my middle school.

Aging: I experience a mix of panic and excitement when I think about the balance in my stock and bond portfolio.  

Puberty: Whenever I'm feeling scared or misunderstood or overwhelmed, I escape into books. My fictional friends always make me feel better.

 

Aging: Me too, 14-year-old Julie. Me, too. 

 

 Dear readers, what is your time of life akin to?

Happy Conclave to All Who Celebrate

This Friday will be a Cat-alogue of Pupdates, so please send in pic of your furry friends to juliaspencerfleming care of Gmail, using the subject line "Pet pics."

 

 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Today's the day the eligible cardinals (under the age of 80) get locked into the Sistine Chapel (and the Domus Santa Marta guest house) to pray, talk, argue with each other and vote - repeatedly - for one of them until they land on the man to be the next pope.

Why is this conclave different from all other conclaves? Because the October 2025 movie CONCLAVE has been seen by about a gazillion people all over the world (it's free on Amazon Prime right now! Check it out!) and now we are ALL experts on the whole Papal election scene. From the wax door seal, to the rounds of votes on very, very nice card stock, to the little groups of cardinals puffing away on cigarettes, we've got this down.

I grew up extremely Catholic-adjacent. My dad used his Tridentine missal his whole life. My sister and her family are Catholic, and my three kids attended Catholic schools. Despite this, I don't think I ever heard anyone paying much attention to a conclave, other than in prayers at mass.

 

 

But now, thanks to Robert Harris's novel-turned-movie (read the book, too! It's excellent!) everybody is tuned into the ancient and arcane process by which a group of mostly old guys (120 out of the 135 voting cardinals are between 60 and 80) discerns who next takes the Apostolic See (from the Latin sedes, meaning 'seat.')

Here are a few fun facts to throw around at your next dinner party (but make it fast, because over the past century conclaves have averaged 2-3 days before acclaiming a new pope.) 

 

Cardinals have been getting together to pick a new Holy Father since 1059, and the process is the oldest still-extant way of electing the leader of a state. It's a little state, but still.

 

 The word conclave derives from the Latin cum clave, 'with a key,' a refinement that started in 1274 after outsiders' lobbying became so noxious, Pope Gregory X decreed the medieval version of Project Graduation.

 

Gregory X himself had been elected after the longest conclave ever - a few months shy of three years. Eventually, the frustrated residents of the town the cardinals were meeting in locked the building, tore its roof off, and reduced their meal delivery to one a day. That got things moving pretty effectively.

 

Before the guest house was built in 1996, cardinals were put up in cots stuffed into rooms near the Sistine chapel.  Eventually, someone realized collecting a whole bunch of elderly men in an area with inadequate sanitary facilities was a bad idea. 

 

In modern times, the Sistine Chapel has been swept for bugs and wireless signal jammers are used to prevent any communication from the outside world. Which makes it tough for any cardinals who are regulars on Instagram, I guess.

 

 Apparently, one of the goals of the electors is to hit the sweet spot in papal age: old enough to lead for a time without being a generational presence, but young enough not to, well, you know. Throughout the history if the church, 26 popes were, unfortunately short-timers (3 days to 6 months) but 25 sat on the chair of St. Peter for  20-31 years. That averages out nicely, so good job, your Eminences!

 

Dear readers, this is where I usually ask a question for you to respond to, but honestly, I can't think of any that wouldn't have made me dad give me the side-eye. Tell me what you think in the comments!

Good Sports

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: It’s the 2024 Summer Olympics, as we mentioned earlier this week, and if you’re watching, you’ll notice a few new  sports included. Kayak cross and breaking, aka break dancing will be debuting, and surfing, skateboarding and sport climbing will appear for the second time since ‘21.

 

The IOC has an official policy of introducing game-specific sports to maximize local interest and growth, and an unofficial policy of trying desperately to keep a younger audience. (Most recent polling has 66% of Americans above 55 with a tradition of watching, with 62% of viewers 18-34 saying the same. And if you don’t think that 4% is significant, you’ve never worked in television.)

 

So for the 2028 Games in Los Angeles, baseball/softball will be played again after being dropped in ‘09, while flag football, lacrosse, squash and cricket will be added. I’m not sure about cricket being of local interest in southern California, but I’m sure the NBC announcers will be able to clearly explain the rules and play for the American audience. (Picture me with a dubious look.)

 

If we’re allowed to vote, I’m going to kick water polo off the list of current sports. You can never see any of the action with all that water flying everywhere, and the sight of handsome young jocks wearing skimpy Speed-oes isn’t enough to make up for it. 

 

In exchange, I propose this Millennial/Gen Z pleasing competition: the dash between the athlete’s main job and their side gig. This would take place in a city setting, like road cycling, and would involve the contestants dashing from their day job to a fast food place to grab dinner to their evening side gig, with bonus points for having to change into a uniform along the way.

 

Hey, if breakdancing is a sport…

 

How about you, Reds? What sport should get the boot, and what would you like to see instead?

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Multitasking!  Just like the decathlon, contestants are given TEN things to do, and whoever accomplishes them fastest wins. 

 

Events will include: 

1.     doing a load of laundry (degree of difficulty points given for sorting)

2.    making a dinner for four for a vegan, a veg, a paleo and a keto and having it all be finished at the same time, 

3.     finding hidden car keys, 

4.     finishing a chapter of edits, 

5.      posting on four social media platforms with DIFFERENT posts, 

6.     taking a shower and getting dressed again

7.     finding the matching socks in a huge pile of socks

8.     Remembering three birthdays and sending the cards

9.     Submitting a set of travel expenses (degree of difficulty points for finding all the receipts)

     10) Defrosting a freezer and putting everything back in and have the door still close.

 

What do you think? It’s THE TASKATHON!

 

RHYS BOWEN: That’s a brilliant list, Hank!  Julia, you may not take out water polo! We are a family of water polo players: 4 college division 1 players, three Olympic development players, one junior US team captain and a 3 time All American. So do not touch it. And it’s exciting to watch.

 

No to breakdancing. How ridiculous. It might be clever but not a sport. Also not a sport is rhythmic gymnastics. Twirling a ribbon, throwing a hoop belong in a circus.  But on that note, how about trapeze as a sport? That would be exciting to watch.

My own sport addition is the microwave challenge. Can you put a cup of coffee in the microwave to reheat and in that time rush down the hall, pee, and come back before it pings? I am a champion at this, I must tell you.

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: How about the Mealathon? The contestants would have to plan a week’s meals, do all the shopping for those meals, then prepare each meal. Each meal would then be a heat, points given for time of prep as well as excellence of taste and presentation.

 

The winner can then come work for me! 

 

LUCY BURDETTE: I would not take Hank on in the Taskathon! The only prize there would be second place. Debs, I will take your second place winner at my house!

 

HALLIE EPHRON: I propose a sheet-folding competition, with difficulty starting with twin flats and moving up to king-sized fitted. And cutlery sorting, beginning with a dishwasher load of cutlery. Accuracy counts. 

 

 

JULIA: Ugh, I'd be a wash-out at the sheet folding, Hallie, but I sort my cutlery as it goes IN to the dishwasher, so I can see a gold medal in my future! 

How about you, dear readers? What new sports do you propose for future Olympics? And are there any current sports you think can be retired?