LUCY BURDETTE: I am always so happy to welcome writer Barbara O’Neal to the blog—and even happier that her newest book, A THOUSAND PAINTED HOURS, will be published in August. (I have already pre-ordered.) She has some interesting thoughts today on traveling as a single woman…
BARBARA O’NEAL: Last night, I was on a fairly empty train rather late, at the SFO airport. It was grim lighting, that tungsten glow that makes everything seedy.
It occurred to me with some surprise that I wasn’t worried about it. As a young woman, I would have been looking over my shoulder, checking for men who might be dangerous. Constantly. I am still aware—I’m not a fool; I can still be pickpocketed or mugged—but this is no longer an overarching, constant, tense, alert worry. I walk through the world like a man. At ease. Sure. Because I have crossed into the blessed territory of invisibility.
What a delight.
Eating dinner at the airport food court, I saw a young man pass, staring at a very young woman at a table in front of me. She was eating. Her hair was a little messy from travel. She didn’t notice him, but he walked twenty feet staring at her so obviously that it irritated me. I wanted to stand up and whack him with my purse. Keep walking, bud.
I remembered when it was me worrying about the unwanted attention of some random guy, finding a place to sit between an old woman and a mother with a child so the strange man couldn’t sit near me.
My son, age 25 or so, talked about going out to the New York clubs with a small group of women. One was very fearful, jumping at shadows, worried about alleyways and knots of guys on the street. Her friend said, “Don’t worry, Ian is with us. No one will mess with us.”
He said, recounting that story to me later, “I had no idea women worry about this all the time. All. The. Time. Did you know?”
Um, yes, son. I did.
I’m taking my granddaughter to Japan next month. She’s 14 and leggy and eccentric, with a wild head of hair that draws the longing gaze of white women (“I love your hair”) but also the meanness of boys at middle school. I feel some sense of relief about the safety of that country, but I also know I will be instructing her constantly, quietly, on how to be female while traveling. I want her to be mighty. And safe.
I honestly worry less about this one than her younger sister. My wild-haired girl is fierce and knows her own mind. She’s the girl other kids ran to when they were being bullied. Her sister is pliant and a pleaser and very pretty in that way some males want to claim—if it is beautiful, it is mine. We will go somewhere, too, in a couple of years. She longs for Germany, which she visited a couple of years ago. I will instruct her carefully.
I wish this was not necessary. I wish I had not spent 40 years sizing up every space I walked through. I traveled anyway, but often I was nervous.
Now I stride through the world like a white man, able to occupy any space without apology or fear. I just wish my granddaughters could begin here, instead of waiting decades to age into it.
Readers, do you worry when you’re traveling or otherwise out of your element?
More from Lucy, Barbara has some news for the upcoming A Thousand Painted Hours: If you would like a signed copy, you can order one now, and we have some very special things that go along with it. The first is a giveaway of an original piece of collage art I created to commemorate the book. One golden ticket in the books will win the original art.
To order a signed copy, visit Author, Author
You can also pre-order all the other versions—kindle, hardcover ($2 off if you order now), paperback or audio, which is going to be especially fantastic this time. I’ve heard the clips from my narrator and I am so very excited. Pre-orders really help visibility of a book, so I appreciate any help in that direction.
Congratulations, Barbara, on your new book . . . maybe you could tell us a bit about the story?
ReplyDeleteI do worry if I'm traveling alone, but mostly it's about getting lost or missing a connection or making a mistake and messing up . . . .
Posted the description below. I do worry about missed connections, especially lately with so many wind and construction delays.
DeleteLike you, I'm in the invisible phase of life and I also stride with confidence. When I travel, it's mostly alone, and I don't worry.
ReplyDeleteI lived in Japan fifty years ago, and while I was the right height, I was a white young woman who didn't keep my gaze trained on the floor. I got a lot of stares and comments from men. I was studying Japanese but never learned to swear. Finally I started saying "F*** off" to the men - in English - and they got the message.
I also have a wild-haired granddaughter, who is beautiful and Black and 2 1/2. I look forward to the day when I can take her on a trip.
Congratulations on the new book - I echo Joan: can you tell us more about it?
I am so looking forward to having her to myself for two whole weeks!
DeleteSorry Joan and Edith, I forgot to ask her that. We will get her to say more in the comments!
ReplyDeleteBarbara, congratulations on your new book. The cover is stunning!
ReplyDeleteI have traveled alone frequently over the years and am wary, even now. I moved to Israel by myself in 1975 and stayed there for two years. Although I spent my first 6 months learning to speak the language, it was still culture shock for me, and I tried to be careful and aware of my surroundings constantly. The culture back then was a mixture of Middle Eastern and Western, with half the population made up of the Jewish families forced to leave their Arab countries when Israel became a state in 1948. The women with that background dressed and, for the most part, behaved more modestly than Americans It was, and still is, a melting pot of people from all over the world.
In my mid-20's, I traveled through Europe with a gorgeous blond, blue-eyed friend. We bought Eurail passes and spent 6 weeks staying in pensions and walking around cities. She turned heads wherever we went, and some unwanted attention became absolutely cringeworthy. Brown hair and brown-eyed, I also had some unwanted attention but the two of us managed pretty well.
I think that women do need to be careful, even now, because we are always targets of someone. These days, I try not to bring a purse to the grocery store or on other shopping excursions for that reason.
What an adventurer you were! I live in a very small town, so grocery store isn’t a place to worry here. (I once dropped my wallet on the boardwalk and the people who found it tracked me down through facebook and messaged me to return it!) I also now have a phone with a wallet case that is so convenient!
DeleteGrowing up in San Juan, Puerto Rico, with parents who let me walk around the city during the day (something my Puerto Rican girl friends weren't allowed to do), I started being aggressively approached and even followed by men from the age of 12. It was scary, but I quickly learned to keep my eyes down, ignore all comments, and, if needed, duck into shops and wait until the coast was clear. When I started traveling alone as a young adult--New York, various European cities, and Japan--I was harassed and occasionally followed, and I still found it frightening, but I knew what to do. Today, at grandmother age, I still worry about being mugged, but no one follows me, crooning obscenities. It's a great relief.
ReplyDeleteGood point that knowing what to do makes a difference. Wary is good. Fearful has a scent.
DeleteYes, you're right, and I shouldn't have said I worry about being mugged--I don't. But I always wear my purse across my body, and I'm aware that it can happen anytime, anywhere. Aware but not scared!
DeleteOh, I didn't take it that way at all. I took it that you are wise and wary.
DeleteAlways crossbody bag! And never walk around with your phone out. If you need to check a map, step into a doorway or a shop.
DeleteAlso of that invisible age, but I don't think I turned heads ever. My Dad was a teamster organizer when he came back from WW2 and he gave me lots of stances, stare-down advice and actual self-defense (whoops my college book-bag just hit you in the balls) moves. Then I became clergy and (even without a collar) guys sense it and, if they don't, I say "I will pray for you," which are the five unsexiest words in the English language. I'm looking forward to Elsie Turner's adventures -- the brief bits I've seen on line sound wonderful!
ReplyDeleteLove your dad’s instructions! And laughing over the five sexy words. I’ll remember that.
DeleteHi, Barbara! I know you don't remember me, but I was a backblogger on TLC, lo, these many moons ago. Nice to see you here, and to know you have yet another new book. I've been a fan since your How to Bake a Perfect Life. Nancy Martin just celebrated a birthday, and I was thinking about everyone from those days!
ReplyDeleteCan you tell us more about A Thousand Painted Hours? Intriguing title.
I have traveled alone extensively, mostly in the US, driving through all 48 contiguous states. There have been some dicey moments, but for the most part I have developed a situational awareness that has served me well. A time or two I might have overreacted in my response, but I would rather be alive and whole than foolishly polite.
Silvering hair and a lumpier physique has indeed endowed me with more invisibility. When I was in Europe on my own ten years ago I amused myself by noticing whether or not I was noticed. Mostly, glances slid right past me. It isn't always true, though. On my first trip to Paris 25 years ago, the oldest woman in our group of eight was targeted for her supposed need to be helped onto the train at CDG, and her purse neatly picked by a man who then stepped off the train as it went to the next terminal. Lesson learned!
Of course I remember you! I've posted about the book below. And...well, there's a warning to keep in mind, the woman "helped" onto the train! I can see me falling for that.
DeleteWhen I was 18 I traveled with parents to Germany where a sister’s family were serving in the U.S. Army. I was a brown- haired short girl with glasses so definitely not one to attract masses of attention. But that didn’t stop the young guys from wolf whistling and stopping just short of physically approaching me. I was certainly glad to be in the company of my family.
ReplyDeleteBeing female is enough.
DeleteCongratulations on the new book Barbara! I too am delighted to be invisible. I did overseas study in Scotland when I was 21 (part of a group of 22 students) and was taking the bus back to my homestay after the pubs closed one night. A group of drunk young men approached me. Between the alcohol and the accent, I couldn't really understand them, but it did NOT feel like a friendly encounter. I was pretty scared. I tried to make sure to get home a little earlier after that.
ReplyDeleteYeah, a group of drunks is never great. Good call.
DeleteI don't really travel much myself so I don't have to worry. I guess the few trips I have taken I guess the only worry would've been the plane crashing. Especially the very first trip I ever took included a puddle jumper flight where we ended up being cleared to land earlier than the expected flight time because something fell off the plane!
ReplyDeleteMy best friend Ann is doing her World Retirement Tour (though she's currently staying with me for a bit in between Leg 2 and the start of Leg 3). She's been Italy, Brazil, Panama, Costa Rica, Mexico. She is going to Mexico when she first leaves for the start of Leg 2, then she'll be doing a cross-country trip to celebrate Halloween stuff after that. Then she'll be off to Japan for a couple of months, the UK after that and then somewhere warm (location TBD) for the winter.
She is telling me that she doesn't have any real worries and I tend to believe her because she's THE Ann, intrepid solo traveler who, unlike me, likes to get out and experience life and generally likes most people.
I suppose the only worry that she's involved is causing people like me to worry when she almost dies in Brazil because of course she has to have a harrowing, yet memorable, story about visiting that country. Though to be fair, she has no intention of ever going there again.
Meanwhile, it's all I can do to muster up the ambition to travel to a book signing or the comic shop four towns and 30 minutes way. As you can tell, there's no logical reason why Ann and I are friends. But here we are one crazy traveler and one lame ass homebody.
I settle for traveling by reading books that are set in other countries or like The Doctor, other times. I don't have to put myself out there that much and the budget is way cheaper.
We all have different paths, and your friend sounds amazing. One of my sisters is very afraid of planes crashing, too, and it's a very common fear. I know it doesn't help to say it is a safe way to travel.
DeleteIf you like book travel, maybe you'll enjoy The Last Letter of Rachel Ellsworth, which is about two women of different ages traveling across England, Paris, Morocco, and India.
Opposites attract, Jay! Love that you and Ann have such a great friendship. She sounds like a wonderful person, thanks for sharing her with us.
DeleteAnn sounds amazing, Jay, which is also a testament to you.
DeleteJay, I just opened Edith’s newsletter to find a picture of you, Edith and the famous Ann! Nice to put faces with names! — Pat S
DeleteBarbara - Yes, we definitely have different paths.
DeleteKaren - We are definitely opposites in a lot of ways. And I talk her up all the time. When she was in London a few years ago, she went to the Sherlock Holmes museum just for me and got stuff there that became part of my Christmas present that year.
Deborah - Ann is definitely amazing. I don't know if it is a testament to me or if she just hasn't figured out a way to shake loose of me but she definitely is my best friend.
Pat S. - Yep, I saw the newsletter as well. I love it when Edith shares the photos in her newsletter when we meet up.
Jay your friend sounds brilliant and wonderful. She'd be a great guest to have here at JRW, maybe a Red will take note.
DeleteI have often said that I think every young woman should have to travel alone a few times, as it builds more confidence and self-awareness than just about anything else. I worked for consulting firms twice in the late 1990s, before and just after turning 40. Those jobs both involved a lot of solo travel, and I really treasure the lessons learned in those years.
ReplyDeleteI no longer fear the sexual predators, having reached the age of invisibility to them, but with white hair I am fast approaching the age of being highly visible as a "vulnerable" target for plain old theft. Interestingly, I notice that because of my need for caution when I was young, I am somewhat better than my husband at managing myself and my possessions while traveling in a way that minimizes vulnerability. As a 6' tall sturdy white man, he just never had to worry about it and hasn't yet learned little tricks that are second nature to women, like accessing cash unobtrusively and having it ready before eyes are upon you.
Agree that young women traveling alone builds confidence and a sense of awareness. And interesting about how much better you are at handling your possessions than your husband.
DeleteI am no longer happy about my mother traveling alone. She looks frail, and she is, AND she's a bit oblivious to the unkindness of the world. Going forward, she'll need one of us to go with her, although she keeps insisting she can do it herself. (I am truly not being ageist is saying she just really can't any more.)
Susan, on our first vacation together many years ago when we were both in our twenties, I had to tell my future husband that I wasn’t comfortable “strolling in the moonlight” after dinner down by the docks. We’d finished dinner at a lovely seafood restaurant and he was clueless that it might not be the safest area to be walking around. As a young woman, though, I was hyper aware of my surroundings. I also had to teach him (once we were back at home) to wait until I got in my car and it started before he could drive off. Young men don’t see the danger the way young women do (or should). — Pat S
DeleteSorry, I forgot to include the description of the new book! It is a dual timeline tale of an English artist fighting for her autonomy and her right to choose her path. Here is the official blurb:
ReplyDeleteAn epic, emotionally charged novel about love, art, and survival spanning 1900s colonial India to Blitz-era London by the USA Today bestselling author of When We Believed in Mermaids.
In the shadow of the London Blitz, artist Elsie Turner clings fiercely to her canvases, refusing to let war dim the colors that define her. The bombs test her nerve, but the struggle also stirs memories of her golden youth in India and of the long-lost love of her life.
The daughter of a British civil servant in the Himalayan station of Nainital, Elsie crosses cultural divides to forge an unlikely bond with Tanveer Singh, a Sikh prince with hopes, dreams, and far-reaching ideas. What begins as shared sketchbooks and stargazing becomes first love and a secret correspondence. When Elsie’s father is summoned to England, Elsie is severed from the world she knows—and is determined to preserve it through both her art and a connection with Tanveer that endures through the most tumultuous years of their lives.
Looking forward to reading it, Barbara. And learning about an entirely different culture.
DeleteIt sounds wonderful!
DeleteThe book sounds wonderful, Barbara!
DeleteI guess I've never really thought about it. I've been so used to traveling alone for business and later pleasure that I suspect I radiated "don't "F" with me" and no one did. I've been single for more years than I was ever attached to someone and have now also entered the invisibility age. Add an ever encroaching dowager's hump and I'm really not anyone's idea of interesting or target-worthy. Nevertheless, I do make it a point to keep an eye on my surroundings and blend in as well as possible.-- Victoria
ReplyDeleteI have never worried about traveling alone. Exercised awareness of my surroundings? Yes. But never been afraid.
ReplyDeleteAt least not for my safety. Missing a plane connection or getting lost? Totally different story.
I have had mixed/negative experiences when I was younger that made me grateful for my father (he worked in law-enforcement) putting me in martial arts school/self-defense classes as a kid. I have a vulnerable looking appearance (small/short/petite), so that caused me to stay on guard/cautious, but I have traveled quite a bit on my own, wishing, at times, I could travel more freely, as I assume men feel they can do (like my husband-who is oblivious to the realities of the world). I have also worked in the mental health field for 35 years, which has exposed me to some criminal-type people (in certain jobs). So that didn’t help my over-cautiousness! So I try to walk the line between living my life with as much freedom as I safely feel I can, but also being cautious. Sadly, I know there are some bad actors out there walking amongst us. I used to feel a lot more confident when I used to have big dogs to go on walks with me! 🐕. I think my future solo traveling will be with tour groups. While I am enjoying my relative invisibility cloak, accidents and health issues are in the back of my mind as well as personal safety.
ReplyDeleteI do love a small tour group in a new or challenging place. It just takes away that layer of stress.
DeleteMy father was also in law enforcement and taught us to be aware and how to diffuse a chokehold (!). And there's nothing like a big dog for comfort!
I do worry. And the other day (aka a few months ago) I was using my subway pass to get through the turnstile when a youngish man rushed up behind me and pushed me through and squeezed himself in behind me. Fare evasion. Not the other thing. Pissed me off, that's for sure. Now I try to remember to PAUSE and look in four directions before engaging my subway pass and pushing through.
ReplyDeleteANYWAY that's the change ... my vulnerability is more to the pickpocket bad-guy. As you get older you look like you've got more cash on you (who else carries cash?) and you're slower on the uptake.
Wow, since I have no experience with the subway on the east coast, I would have been so freaked out Hallie!!
DeleteGood point on who else carries cash? I tend not to anymore--have to remind myself to get some. That sounds like a scary experience--because even if you're not robbed, you could be injured.
DeleteFine line between invisible and older, right?
I had an experience on the London tube(underground transport) It was on a crowded train and there were a lot of people trying to board. Someone in front of me asked a question about where something was and since I didn’t know anything i didn’t respond. At the same time I felt somebody behind pushing me which I thought was unusual because everyone seemed to be so polite. I turned around and saw a hand about to go into the bag I was carrying. I said get away from there and he vanished. obviously he was either new at it or a clumsy pickpocket.
DeleteIf he hadn’t bumped into me I probably wouldn’t have noticed. If he had been successful all he would have gotten was a Michelin guide for London since I never put anything important in bags I carried with me.
It was obvious that the person who had asked me for directions was trying to distract me from seeing the inept pickpocket.
I traveled alone once from the California to Paris. It didn't dawn on me to be nervous about strangers, Since I don't speak French, I was more worried about how to get from the plane to the baggage claim to the train, buy a ticket, and find the platform and once on the train into Paris - not to miss my stop and then how to get to the street level, find a cab, communicate (not very well) with him to get to the 17th ere and ended up wondering around til I saw my daughter waving at me from the balcony of the rental! I feel fairly safe in most European countries (even Greece where there are a lot of pick pocketers).
ReplyDeleteThe language barriers have often felt daunting to me, too. These days, translation apps are so good they really lower the stress. One of the places I thought might feel scary was Morocco, and it felt very, very safe.
DeleteWelcome welcome welcome! So wonderful seeing you today! The invisibility power is so fascinating, I agree! I travel so much, and just always wear black and try to look confident. Purposeful. And it helps that my packing is… Compact. I don’t have bags with things hanging out or look disorganized. I think that makes such a difference! Sometimes the sleek packing makes my suitcase very heavy, I have to say But I am happy with a red cap At the train station, or a kind person on the airplane who helps me put my bag over the seat. I help other people, too, it’s so much easier when it’s not your own bag!
ReplyDeleteI wonder, too, how often we are actually in places that are dangerous? That’s so interesting.
I thought of you, Hank, when I posted this. You strike me as the ultimate kind of confident traveler. Love the insight on not having things hang out, or looking disorganized.
DeleteI don't know how often places are dangerous. I think more of them felt dangerous when I was younger. Is that experience or invisibility? Hard to say.
I always relish being part of a conversation about invisibility; the story is always universal with those of us who have reached...ahem....a certain age. All of which is mentioned in the above comments. I once read that we "biddies" even fall off the research charts while only still in our 50's (!). Apparently no one cares what happens to us beyond that age group. :-( At one of Hank Phillippi Ryan's book signings I thanked Hank for broaching this subject during her talk. We chatted a bit about what it was like to be a young female in a male-dominated professional world before women started punching through that glass ceiling. We were definitely all on our own when it came to protecting ourselves from unwanted attention; no one was going to come rescue us from the "big bad wolf". So we pursued our own means of handling some sticky situations, some very clever but, alas, not always successful. But our senses were always keen, our antennae in the upright position and we made sure we had another set of eyes in the back of our heads. The only thing I would add to the thoughts already mentioned by others is that invisibility does have its positive side when it comes to sometimes wanting to enjoy our privacy as we go about our everyday business. And not having to worry about unwanted attention except through scams of which we all have to stay on alert. I am also most grateful for having medical professionals in my life who don't equate my care with how I should be treated based on how old I am. I always feel like I am treated with respect, the conversations are thoughtful as well as thorough and the treatment plans are always based on keeping me in the vertical position. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh Evelyn, I remember that! And so wonderful to see you! And I agree, it is fun to talk about… How we learned to manage it, and now how we are powerful.
DeleteIt is so universal, and like you, I welcome the ease of going about my daily business without all the annoyance.
DeleteI do think women in men's fields in the 70s and 80s and 90s were living in a completely different world than modern women. It took a lot of grit!
Totally disagree. I worked as a software engineer in Silicon Valley when there were few women. I was treated with respect, promoted rapidly, and became a manager in my early twenties. I was working with educated contemporaries, perhaps that was a different experience. Discrimination was not endemic in the new profession.
DeleteI traveled alone from a young age and never worried. I was rather nice looking but never encountered the problems you all are describing. I am direct confident person, perhaps that made the difference.
Maybe it was different in that world. Or maybe you were lucky.
DeleteA different group in Silicon Valley, compared to what I witnessed first when the US Navy first allowed women officers to become pilots. The demeaning attitude was shocking even from normal, thoughtful naval officers. The same was equally true when women judges first were appointed in our courts in a large metropolitan city where I worked with lawyers. It was a scathing response from other male attorneys a few who professed to support womens lib
DeleteI have almost always traveled by myself both here and in different parts of Europe. I have had a wide variety of experiences.
ReplyDeleteOn my first trip abroad, I encountered a couple of men who I felt uneasy about. They were both older rather scruffy looking and neither one spoke English. This was in Amsterdam where English is usually as common as Dutch.
I was at the train station waiting for an evening train. I was there for several hours and eventually went upstairs to the waiting room for the train platform I needed. The room was empty but I had a variety of material to occupy my time. A man came in and sat down near me (a little too near)
By his appearance, I didn’t feel threatened, but given the way he looked I didn’t feel particularly comfortable. I thought he would just go away if i ignored him. He didn’t. I moved to another waiting area and he followed, again sitting just a couple of feet away.. He did make a couple of efforts to communicate with me but since we didn’t speak the same language that didn’t work. At one point he put his hands together and rested his head on them which I interpreted as a sleepiing gesture but it wasn’t completely clear what he had in mind. What I thought was whatever he was thinking I didn’t want to stay there.
Fortunately, this time when I went to another area there were other people there and I didn’t see him again
On the other hand, I had a number of pleasant encounters which I probably wouldn’t have had if I wasn’t alone. These trips were a number of years ago. I don’t know whether traveling would be the same now.
I have traveled alone a lot, too, and had many wonderful experiences. I just worry less now.
DeleteThank you for this topic. It's an important one!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it'll ever be 100% safe to be a woman. Common sense keeps me away from parking lots at night. Groups of young men just hanging out inspire me to cross the street. Mind you, this is in the big city. Small towns give a different vibe, generally safer. In my younger years I think my red hair attracted attention I didn't want-men following me. I really haven't traveled alone much in my invisible phase of life. I don't worry as much as I am capable of giving the stink eye to anyone who perturbs me.
ReplyDeleteCommon sense will carry the day.
DeleteHi Barbara! So nice to see you here, and such a good topic. I've traveled a lot on my own, starting with a couple of months on my own in the UK when I was in my mid-twenties and many trips since. I've never had a problem but I also try to look confident and to be aware of my surroundings.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, welcome back to JRW and congratulations on your new novel! Travelling solo as a woman, I have done the same things that Debs and many other women have done. I have never had a problem because I try to look confident and be aware of my surroundings.
ReplyDeleteI am six feet tall and had an older brother who taught me how to "throw hands" as the kids say, so I never worried about moving through the world on my own, and I've traveled alone since I was sixteen. Unless it was a particularly sketchy place like a parking garage at night, I stomped through life with the unearned confidence of a dude. I realize, now that I'm a bit wiser, that this was a very false sense of confidence and I'm lucky it didn't bite me on the butt in my youth. Great post, Barbara! Putting your book on my TBR!
ReplyDelete