HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Okay, here we go. I was about to say--we have a touchy subject today. And that made me stop and think--why is it touchy? But Happy Mother's Day, to those who celebrate. We love you and revere you!
But our guest today has a sidebar--the question of mothers in law.
Hmm. I've had several mothers-in-law...:-). One in particular was...interesting. She was giving a bridal luncheon to introduce me to her friends, and the morning of the luncheon, I arrived very early (with rollers in my hair, I remember) to help.
Welp, turns out she had taken to her bed, with some unknown ailment, and pronounced herself unable to prepare the meal. For twelve people. "You'll have to do it," she declared.
Me?
I was desperately trying to impress her, so I tried to look confident, and I said, "Oh, of course, poor thing, you feel better and I'll handle it.. What is on the menu?"
And she said, all fluttery, "My specialty, chicken spaghetti."
I thought, great, fine, whatever that is, never heard of it, but okay.
I said: "Terrific, fabulous, where is the recipe?"
And she said: "Oh, dear, that does create a bit of a problem. There is no recipe, I just make it up as I go. It's..chicken. And spaghetti. In a casserole. I'm sure you'll work it out."
SHE MAKES IT UP??
Okay, fine, I think, it's chicken and spaghetti. "Lovely," I said, "It won't be as perfect as yours, I'm sure, but I'll figure it out."
So, I went downstairs and found her shelf of cookbooks. I pulled out Joy Of Cooking, thinking that there'd be something in there that would be enough like what she was talking about to make do, or that I could figure out from the way other dishes worked how to make chicken and spaghetti.
So listen to this. I looked in the index, and there was a recipe for chicken and spaghetti! YAAY!, I think, I am saved!
But. When I opened to the page, it had all her annotations and changes. (Makes it up as she goes. My foot.)
Can you imagine the passive-aggressiveness of that one? Testing me???
Anyway, it was all fine.
And--one more thing. She rallied, and attended the lunch.
So.
More mother in law tales? The wonderful Ava Roberts is looking into the psychology of that very fraught relationship.
The Most Combustible Relationship!
I am lucky enough to have a fantastic mother-in-law. In fact, we are so close that I enjoy hanging out with her just for the fun of it; I would do so if she were not the mother of my husband and grandmother to my children.
Not the case with my current character that I'm working on for my next book, about a woman who goes to stay with her in-laws under chilling circumstances (I can't say more now otherwise it will give too much away!).
I like the setting to be a forced extended stay, because a difficult in-law in small doses is one thing. But staying together under the same roof is a pressure cooker that strains even the best in-law relationship.
It happened with The Beckhams and their son. It happened with Prince Harry and Megan. The new spouse and the in-laws just can't seem to get along, both parties think they're right, and it ends with estrangement.
It begs the question: why is the bond between a spouse and an in-law so combustible?
Is it the loss of control, or the fear of being replaced? Is it a power struggle? In domestic thrillers, the best villains don't carry knives; they carry the weight of their approval-- or disapproval-- that can be haunting. It’s the universal fear that the people who created the person we love might actually be the people who destroy our peace of mind.
It’s the ultimate high-stakes gamble: when you marry the person, you inherit their ghosts.
In honor of Mother's Day, I hope that everyone is able to find a way to celebrate with their family. But for the sake of good fiction, bad in-laws are just too much fun to write about.
I’d love to hear from you:
Why do you think things go so wrong in these relationships?
What is the worst thing a mother-in-law can say?
What are the fatal poor choices a daughter-in-law can make?
Most importantly: What is the one comment from an in-law that would make you pack your bags in the middle of the night?
HANK: Oh, great questions! What do you think, Reds and Readers?
Ava Roberts is a clinical psychologist turned author who knows that the most unsettling secrets often lurk just beneath the surface. She is the author of The Summer House Murder, The Vanishing Neighbor, Juniper Isle, and the Thistler Thrillers series. Kirkus Reviews praised The Summer House Murder as “a whirlwind domestic thriller that’s also a pitiless anatomy of the costs of motherhood and sisterhood.” Ava lives in Massachusetts with her husband, two children, and an overactive imagination.
A summer trip to the Adirondacks is turned upside down when a woman’s body is discovered in the lake in this twisty thriller, perfect for fans of Liane Moriarty and Paula Hawkins.
Sisters Esme, Piper, and Regina go on their annual visit to their remote summer house on Lake George expecting a tense vacation. Each has their own families to deal with plus their own secrets to hide. Esme, the oldest sister, is desperate to keep up appearances after discovering her husband’s infidelity with the one person who hurts her the most. Piper, the middle child, has a four-month-old baby boy and is too tired to keep playing peacekeeper to her siblings. Regina, the youngest, is a sarcastic rule breaker with a secret to hide that could cost her everything.
After tension boils over into an ugly fight late one night, the sisters go off in separate directions. Like most of their blowouts, they think they’ll cool off and resume the trip like normal the next morning. Only this time when dawn comes, a young woman’s body is discovered in the lake. As a criminal investigation narrows in on their family home, it becomes clear that the sister’s web of lies and secrets is inextricably linked to the woman in the lake.
A tense and fast-paced thriller, The Summer House Murder will leave readers breathlessly turning the page until they reach the thrilling conclusion to this twisted family drama.
Sisters Esme, Piper, and Regina go on their annual visit to their remote summer house on Lake George expecting a tense vacation. Each has their own families to deal with plus their own secrets to hide. Esme, the oldest sister, is desperate to keep up appearances after discovering her husband’s infidelity with the one person who hurts her the most. Piper, the middle child, has a four-month-old baby boy and is too tired to keep playing peacekeeper to her siblings. Regina, the youngest, is a sarcastic rule breaker with a secret to hide that could cost her everything.
After tension boils over into an ugly fight late one night, the sisters go off in separate directions. Like most of their blowouts, they think they’ll cool off and resume the trip like normal the next morning. Only this time when dawn comes, a young woman’s body is discovered in the lake. As a criminal investigation narrows in on their family home, it becomes clear that the sister’s web of lies and secrets is inextricably linked to the woman in the lake.
A tense and fast-paced thriller, The Summer House Murder will leave readers breathlessly turning the page until they reach the thrilling conclusion to this twisted family drama.
Happy Mother's Day!
ReplyDeleteI'm not certain why in-law relationship are so fraught with turmoil, but sometimes I wonder how much expectation has to do with creating those rocky relationships . . . it's as if everyone simply expects in-law relationships to be disastrous, and, since they already have this preconceived reputation, that is what they become. In any event, I'm looking forward to reading your book, Ava.
Oh, that’s an interesting—And very sweet! —thought. But I think family dynamics are all so deep seated, and it’s kind of like —you just have to cross your fingers. Memorial
DeleteOh my goodness, someone on TV said memorial day and my dictation software picked up the word!
DeleteHappy Mother’s Day .
ReplyDeleteNo idea why the relationship can be fraught. Maybe personality conflicts?
On my first trip to continental Europe with a tour group, I met a woman traveling with her daughter in law. They get along very well.
What are the worst things a mother in law can do? Maybe Criticize daughter in law?
Fatal things daughter in law can do? Maybe criticize the mother in law?
Simple as that$
DeleteAva, congratulations on your new novel. The summer house murder sounds very suspenseful!
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteHappy Mother's Day to the moms, and to those who mother in other ways, not necessarily to your own or even not necessarily human children. Nurturing is the criteria!
ReplyDeleteMILs, a deep subject, isn't it? When I was married the first time, age 19, my husband had a mother and a stepmother. Who detested one another. Hooboy. Between my own mom and the two warriors, we were surrounded by bossy women who refused to see us as adults.
I think part of my reluctance to remarry later was because I was worried about collecting another mother-in-law. Steve's mom was difficult; she kept comparing me to his late first wife, with whom she had also had a contentious relationship, until I finally drew the line. I asked Steve to ask his mother to stop bringing her up every. single. time we were together (a lot, because they lived two miles away), and he did. Once I started providing her with the only two of her grandchildren to live in the same timezone she warmed up and we started to become friends, real ones. In a lot of ways she was an admirable and brilliant woman, who if she had been born about 50 years later could have been anything she wanted to be. Sadly, she had a massive stroke that took nearly all of that away for the last five years of her life, including our hardwon closeness.
So far, I have been a mother-in-law myself to three men, and soon to be a fourth. I have great relationships with all but one daughter's first husband, and we travel together and hang out whenever we can. Hopefully, I learned how to be a loving and supportive presence, without interfering. It's a delicate balance.
So true! And you sound like you have it well in hand, so thoughtfully and reasonably considered.
DeleteFor over thirty years, my mother-in-law was convinced that my wife could do much better (no argument from me; she was right). She called me "that damned South Chelmsford farmer" and I referred to her as "the barracuda." It was only during the last few years of her life, when she lived with us, when she saw, close-up, how I interacted with Kitty, our children, our grandchildren, and herself, that she was able to admit, "That Jerry is a pretty good guy." Despite our many squabbles, i still miss her.
ReplyDeleteLove that story Jerry!
DeleteAwwww….
DeleteCongratulations on the book, and Happy Mother's Day! (Hank, that spaghetti chicken story is too much...)
ReplyDeleteMy first mother-in-law would smile as she stabbed you in the back. Getting to know her explained a lot about my now-ex-husband's dysfunctional ways. Hugh's mother had been quite critical of everything, but by the time I got to know her, she was a (mostly) sweet old lady. It helped that the family liked me way more than they'd liked his ex-wife.
I have two wonderful daughters in law. My role is to offer help with their young children while not inserting myself in their decision-makin, mothering, and relationships with my sons. So far, so good!
I do have one story about Bette, Hugh's mother. During the first year of our relationship, we were visiting his parents in New Jersey. Bette liked the air to be over air-conditioned. I felt chilly and pulled a crocheted afghan from the back of my chair over my lap. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't think I'm going to turn the heat up." I was stunned and said of course not. People in my family don't say things like that, but it fit with all the stories Hugh had told me about her and that she didn't have a filter between her brain and her mouth. He just hooted, and we still laugh about it.
DeleteI love that! She took your perfectly logical reaction and made it be passive/aggressive. People are hilarious!
DeleteHappy Mother's Day to all who nuture.
ReplyDeleteMy MIL was a piece of work, neither the sharpest knife nor the brightest bulb, but with an underlying sneaky streak. She treated my husband's first wife ( who was 19 when they married) to all kinds of shenanigans. I'll just repeat one story here. One day she said to Sally, "I'm going to tell Irwin you said *blah, blah, blah* to me and he'll believe me because I am his mother."
In her later years she said to her sister, "I hate your kids! I've always hated your kids!" Don't know where that came from, she just wanted to inflict pain. She cut faces of people she was angry with out of photos but the photos were still in frames on display. I found her antics laughable and she brought out something (not nice) in me that few other women ever had. I had her number from early on.
Sally and I had a long talk about Liz once. She wanted to know why I wasn't subjected to the same antagonistic treatment that she had been. I told her that I thought it was because I met Irwin in my 30's. I had already purchased my own home where I entertained them. My family appeared more supportive of me and that intimidated Liz. Perhaps Irwin had warned her to behave, but I knew that he had already experienced her interference in his first marriage. In fact, before I met his parents he said to me, "Beware of my parents. They lie." Okay.
Yikes! Aren’t people fascinating?
DeleteWorst thing a m-i-l can say?
ReplyDeleteOh where to start?
How about my favorites?
“Hmm, our baby doesn’t have a bridge to her nose.” (What newborn does?)
“What made you buy that dress?”
“Why wear your hair that way?”
“Gaining weight?”
“I never had an orgasm in my life.”
Wonder why?
Ooh I hope that wasn't your mil Ann--that lady sounds tough!
DeleteYes it was.
DeleteCan’t make this stuff up!
Great topic Ava, thanks for visiting the Reds! I like Karen's description--Mother's Day should be for everyone who nurtures, which can include men:). My mil was a pip, very protective of her chickens. John had come out of a bad marriage, so it took a while to get over worrying that I would be just as bad. Gradually we became good friends and I miss her a lot!
ReplyDeleteI agree, so much of it has to do with history!
DeleteCongratulations on the new book!
ReplyDeleteI have had two mothers-in-law and honestly, I got lucky. The first was quite accepting and when I divorced her son I was truly sad to have had to hurt her that way. The second was a strong woman who had eight children and had continued to work as a nurse throughout the years. As a mother of seven sons, she had made a conscious choice about the type of mother-in-law she wanted to be. (Her daughter married someone she had grown up with and I think that relationship came easy.) Mom tried hard to stay out of our business, welcomed not only new daughters but any stepchildren who came along with them, and was generous in her love and laughter. When she occasionally had a difficult in-law she refused to discuss it with anyone, always responding to any inquiries "She seems to make him very happy."
I will add that she lived to be 96, just passing last summer. In her final years as age wore away her filters it was interesting to see how much those filters had done. Her adult grandchildren who lived in the same town did not find that same easy acceptance for their marriage choices, and I am grateful that I didn't have to deal with the no-filters version of her at the beginning!
I love that reaction! It’s so calm and peaceful, and instantly stops any further conversation :-)
DeleteI've never been married, never had an official mother-in-law. I was close to Frieda, my son's grandma. She didn't like the fact that her son and I hadn't married, so she continued to introduce me to people as her DIL. We went to lunch, we talked about stuff. I told her things I had never told my parents. After my own mom passed on, she filled that role for me. I admired her courage for taking her son and fleeing her abusive, alcoholic first husband in 1952. Unfortunately, her other two husbands had their issues too. (She outlived them) I wish she had been able to learn earlier in her life that it's okay to be single.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is a very valuable lesson…
DeleteThanks Hank for the story of your MIL.
ReplyDeleteCongrats Ava on your new book!
Happy Mother's Day (or Mothers' Day?) to all.
I just read an article today that says it is Mothers’ Day. And that it was started by Julia Ward Howe, and her goal was equality for women, with a with an emphasis on how if women ran the world, we would not solve problems by killing people,—not just a day that we should be nice to our mothers.
DeleteHank, thanks for the Julia Ward Howe reference…her role was in a cloudy part of my mind. Appreciate your clearing the clouds. Elisabeth
DeleteCongratulations on the book, Ava, and thanks for a great topic today.
ReplyDeleteLove everyone's stories. My first husband's mother was something else. We lived with them when I first moved to Scotland and I can say that it did not go well. She was German, hyper critical, no filters, and prepared to dislike me intensely. In her defense, she was a war refugee who had lost her entire family except for one brother. Our relationship was very fraught for years. But we both grew more tolerant, eventually, and I even became (cautiously) fond of her. She lived to 93 and was a pistol to the end.
I love how those relationships can evolve!
Delete“Pack up and Leave” Mother-in-law comment: to my mother an hour before the wedding (1944, Daddy was on 36 hour leave): “My son should not be marrying you. He should be marrying Janice.” Janice had been happily married for 3 years in 1944. My folks had a long and happy marriage. Mother did not tell me about this comment until after Daddy died…63 years later. Elisabeth
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, people are incredible…
DeleteHank, I bet yours was the best dinner -"without a recipe"!
ReplyDeleteI laugh every time I think about it!
DeleteFrom Celia: WOW Hank but look at your taking charge. I think back to The first marriage for my daughter who had chosen Asian diaspora with us being of the western one. We were invited to dinner. Thank goodness we bought generously
ReplyDeleteOf the wine which was approved by the new s-in-law. A coffee table sized platter of sushi, sashimi etc was produced which was delicious but then we were handed silver chop sticks beautiful but deadly moving A to B!! This was followed by a presentation of jewelry to my daughter and a small gift for
Me which made the wine vanish.
The they showed us their Asian
Art collection.
Following on the next discussion was paying for the wedding. The kids wanted backyard on the lake at our house in Maine. They really didn't get a vote there as it was what the son Wanted. Paying had next but as English tradition was the brides parents pickup the tab we could hold our own. But numbers. The kids wanted no
More than 80 guests- forty each. I wrote with careful detail reminding them Of the kids wished and asking for forty addresses. I received a list of one hundred and twenty!!
So that was the start. At the bridal shower she couldn't introduce herself when we did introductions. A week before the wedding she told my daughter that she and his father wanted then to wear the national dress knowing the wedding clothes had been bought. Then changed from the local b and bi had arranged thinking they would want to be close to the house to hotel. She didn't do the manicures with all the girls but OK.
Day of wedding she missed the brunch. After the lakeside service we had photos, drinks nibbles etc, then five minutes before we were starting a very carefully planned sit down dinner mixing thee guests as the SIN told us he had been to some really boring weddings, she came up to tell me Mr and Mrs Y couldn't sit where planned as theiy didn't speak American well!'
I suggested that she and Mr could come and sit at our parents table with bride and groom as groom wanted and she and father would sit at the other table. It worked.
The wedding party was a success as their important guest toasted he had a great time and hoped his daughter had a great wedding like that and no it is no more but we have two wonderful grandsons as do they.
Ahhhhhhh what a story! Yikes! You are so patient…
DeleteI loved my m-i-l dearly. She was always in motion, and didn't believe in gaps in conversation. She was from Mississippi, had opinions, and wasn't shy. I went on two trips with her, a cruise, and a driving tour in Ireland. But when I made the bookings for a B&B in Oregon for a family wedding and she constantly complained that trip, I said "no more." She was always ready to jump in and help and had projects going, all the time. She couldn't sit and relax and be still until she was in the throes of dementia.
ReplyDelete“ didn’t believe in gaps in conversation” Is so gently and gracefully and perfectly said… Hilarious!
DeleteI've had a mother-in-law and I AM a mother-in-law. And the thing my mother-in-law taught me was to, whenever possible, butt out. Keep a low profile. Offer advice when requested, but otherwise keep my opinions to myself. Surprisingly this has not been a bridge too far.
ReplyDeleteWhen my parents were planning their wedding, Dad kept saying "Mom says..." My mother said "I'm going to stop you right there. It's either me or her. Grandma didn't come to the wedding because she didn't go to her daughters( WHO WERE MARRIED OUT OF STATE!). Grandpa did and probably at least one of my aunts. Because they lived out of state, the grandparents came to our house for holidays, and Grandma lived with us when she couldn't live alone. That wasn't fun, partly because she had my room and my brother and I had to share.
ReplyDeleteMom and the rest of the family might not have chosen either of my brother's wives, but they got along better than Mom and Grandma. He was HER BABY, and she didn't want to let go.
My mother in law was the mother I wished I had.And she came into my life just when I needed her affection and support the most. Mother-in-Law Day works for me!
ReplyDelete