So I took a quiz titled "Everyone Has a Disney Villain Inside Them." My inner villain? Jafar, the overly-ambitious Grand Vizier in ALADDIN. Now, I don't have a razor-sharp beard, but the more I thought about it, the more I could identify with the man. Jafar is a keenly intelligent guy surrounded by idiots, wide-eyed teen idealists and a parrot who talks like Gilbert Godfried. No wonder he cracked and went for evil magic. I can totally empathize - there's nothing that pushes me past the red line like dealing with people who Just. Don't. Get. It.
Not to mention you know Jafar has been keeping Agrabah running all these years (despite his difficulty hiring competent security guards.) And does anyone recognize his ceaseless labor? No. He gets an occasional "Oh, thanks, Mom" when dinner is on the table. (Not to compare my family to the sultan and people of Agrabah, but they're totally the sultan and people of Agrabah.) One month without Jafar and the entire place would fall apart. There would be no internet, no phone service, and thieving children would be running wild through the streets.Plus - and let's think about this - why shouldn't he get possession of an all-powerful genie? He's the one who put the work in finding it. Years of reading through his library of Evil Books before putting all the pieces together - Jafar probably has the equivalent of several advanced degrees in folk history, sorcery and cartology. (You know who else has several advanced degrees? That's right, this gal.)
You think Aladdin reads? Nuh-uh. Jasmine, I'm picturing with sad YA novels where the heroine dies and a subscription to CATSTER magazine. Poor Jafar. Like me, he'd be perfectly happy if only the people around him would recognize his brilliance and put him in charge (for their own good.) Also, he's a very snappy dresser. Most villains are.
How about you, Reds? Do you have a Disney villain inside you? Or maybe someone from the world of literature? Lord Voldemort? Iago?
RHYS BOWEN: A villain? Me? Think Snow White, surrounded by forest animals, singing. I suppose I felt some sympathy for the wicked fairy in Sleeping Beauty because, after all, she wasn't invited to the christening or asked to give a gift like the three annoyingly simple fairies. But I do not have it in my nature to be a villain. My least favorite: Cruella Deville because she harms DOGS. One way trip to hell for her. Actually I wouldn't mind being the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland and shouting "Off with her head" to anyone who annoyed me. But no. I'm going back to being Snow White now....HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: So, I followed your link and took the test. (because of course I'm gonna take a test! Any time!) And I got Jafar, too. It said: ,
"You got: Jafar. An evil sorcerer with the badass clothes to match. You’re definitely Jafar."
Okay, fine, but I never saw ALADDIN. So, um, is he really bad-bad, or just, you know, annoyed? Misunderstood? Overworked? Under too much pressure? This is understandable, totally. I mean--if everyone would just do what I say, this whole thing would be
SO much easier and more efficient and successful. You'd all be HAPPIER, trust me. What villain would I pick out of books? Ah, maybe.....Miranda Priestly in Devil Wears Prada? She's understandable, too. Plus, the clothes.
I'm really really trying to think what villain I have in me. Claire Underwood? AH. Maybe not. This is so difficult, and I guess that's a good thing!
JULIA: Hank, Jafar does try to take over the kingdom and gets carried away - think Edmund in King Lear. His saving grace is a wicked wit. Watch the movie - that way you'll be prepped for the live actor version coming out next year (with an incredibly hunky guy playing Jafar.)
LUCY BURDETTE: I thought we weren't supposed to take those quizzes because then the Russians can hack our computers or take over our social media or something? Anyway, I'm going to go with the evil queen in Snow White, and that is because of the poisoned apple. What else could a writer of culinary mysteries possibly be? But on a serious note, I find villains very very hard, because the motivation for murder has to be so intensely felt, or the act makes no sense at all. Right?
HALLIE EPHRON: Well, I come up Ursula from The Little Mermaid, the evil octopus lady slash sea witch who persuades our girl to give up her voice to become human. In the fairy tale by Andersen, there's no happy ending. I've seen the Disney movie, and I have a granddaughter who is seriously into mermaids. But I confess don't remember Ursula. She's purple. I think I'd rather be Captain Hook. The clothes! The swagger! And I do love to order people about and get to do it so little these days.
INGRID THOFT: Hallie, I knew we were kindred spirits! I’m an Ursula, too, and this makes sense given my love of the ocean. Maybe some people see her as power-hungry and manipulative, but there’s another way to look at her: She’s just an ambitious business woman making her way in the treacherous depths of the ocean. I would take Ursula any day over Ariel, the heroine of “The Little Mermaid.” Ursula’s got flair, and her edge makes her interesting. Not to mention her story arc, which is a battle for reign of the sea, not a quest for Prince Charming.
JENN McKINLAY: I got Hades! What? The description: You relate most to a villain who's evil (YIKES!), but also has a good sense of humour (Oh, well, now it's coming into focus). After all, what's the point of being vengeful if you can't have a little fun? I had to look up what Disney film Hades was in because I didn't remember him. Turns out he's in Hercules, which I've never seen, so now I have a Disney film to watch to see if I like my evil alter ego or not. DEBORAH CROMBIE: I got the QUEEN OF HEARTS. Which makes total sense, because I've been having a lot of "Off with their heads!!!" moments lately. And it's totally funny, because I am pathologically non-confrontational. So this must be the inner me coming out. And the queen, after all, is not really all that BAD. (Don't worry about those few headless courtiers...) She just wants people to listen to her, and follow the rules. I totally get it.
JULIA: Jenn, Hades is hilarious. His entire appearance is a stand-up comedy act. In the movie, he's voiced by James Wood, so you can just imagine. How about you, Dear Readers? Who is your inner Disney villain? Or are you all sweetness and light like Rhys? Hmmm....
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| Art by cuson, Deviant Art |
