I Would Like to Return...

LUCY BURDETTE: This pandemic and isolation has brought us so many gifts. (Can you hear hysterical laughter?) So I thought today rather than focus on counting our blessings in the mess, we could line up at the customer service counter and return something that is not working out. I’ll start. Mine is called “texting thumb.“ Yes, this is more commonly found in teenage gamers who can’t get off their phones. But what about middle aged doom scrollers? Yes this has happened to me, and it hurts and cramps my style—a person needs her thumb for so many things. It’s impossible to open a jar without a thumb for example. I place the blame squarely on the pandemic. And I haven’t been able to work on getting it fixed, because it’s a pandemic and you’re not supposed to be visiting physical therapists on a daily basis. And besides, with the new virus variants, I am still madly scrolling. How about you reds? Anything you would like to return?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Return? The fear. I have to return the fear. Soon, if all goes as planned, I will have two vaccinations. Jonathan, too. And yet I thinking--I am not going anywhere. Jonathan mentioned that he will go back to his law office. I said--no! Not unless I go with you. I seriously have a kind of PTSD about re-entry. That is--awful. When will we feel safe? We have been terrified for a year. If it takes 30 days to make a habit, how long does it take to un-do?

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Can I return the -mumblemumble- pounds I’ve put on during the past year? I put on close to twenty pounds after Ross died; not surprising, as I am a stress-eater. (Why couldn’t I take after my mother, who couldn’t consume a thing when she was troubled? At least when she had grief/stress/problems her clothes fit her better.) 

The second year after I became a widow, I managed to lose the weight PLUS take more off. I was swimming at the Y regularly, walking with friends, skipping dinner for salad in a bag since I wasn’t cooking for a family and, after Youngest went off to uni, I stopped buying ANY of the sweets and desserts my family loves (sugar is like a combination of kryptonite and heroin for me.)

Then… the Maine Millennial moved back in. And the shut-down started. And Youngest came home with Guest Son and suddenly I was cooking for four hearty appetites and stocking the pantry with cookies and candy and ice cream. And now my super loose, must-wear-a-belt jeans… aren’t. Please direct me to the counter where I can return these extra inches.

Tell me a Yarn by Bernard Spragg 

JENN McKINLAY: I would like to return the mountain of yarn I bought online with some grandiose vision of all the knitting I would do during the pandemic. I enjoyed shopping for the yarn and unboxing it, but after admiring the pretty colors and textures for a few minutes, I had less than no interest in knitting. I did not knit one thing. Not one. I just picked up my needles the other day and while I am enjoying it, I look at the mountain of yarn and realize it will be years before I use it all. What was I thinking?

HALLIE EPHRON: I would like to return the yeast. Early on I thought now would be the perfect time to learn to bake bread. Then I couldn’t find yeast at the market - like the owl and pussycat, it and the toilet paper had fled. So I posted on Facebook. 

Soon after that, one friend dropped off a plastic container of yeast. Another dropped of a 1-lb package. And… so now I am awash in yeast and bread baking no longer sings its siren song. 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I would like to return mopping, thank you very much. I feel terribly spoiled to complain about doing without our housekeepers for a year, but oh how do I miss them. It's a big house and it takes me days (time that would be much better spent writing) to do what they do in a couple of hours. And mopping is the worst! I don't mind vacuuming--I do at least the downstairs most days (otherwise we would live in a sea of German shepherd hair) with our battery-powered Dyson, but mopping I will put off until my feet literally stick to the floor. Ugh.

RHYS BOWEN: No housekeeper here either, Debs. I have had enough of vacuuming the stairs. However, I would like to return my acid reflux that became really bad with all the stress of pandemic plus the uproar over the election, plus the storming of the Capitol. Now I’m on an extremely cautious diet that means no coffee, chocolate, alcohol, citrus fruit, spices… in short everything I love. If it’s not bad enough waking with burning pain in my stomach, I’m supposed to eat kale to cure it!

I wonder how many people would like to return the toilet paper they stocked up?

LUCY: Reds, anything you'd like for us to return for you when we're at the customer service counter?

Rhys remembers Jello Salad.

 

RHYS BOWEN: I saw this old advertisement the other day and boy did it bring back memories. When we first arrived in the United States one of the first things we were introduced to was jello salad. What a shock. Nothing like it in England. In England jelly was eaten at children’s parties along with custard or blanc mange. One served various things like cold chicken in aspic, but jello salad did not exist. In fact when we had English friends visiting us and took them to a neighbor’s house their son (aged 4) demanded loudly “why are they serving me my afters before my meat?”

 It was only one of the culinary surprises I was introduced you in America. In England we never served sweet and savory at the same time. No pancakes with syrup along with eggs and bacon. No biscuits and honey beside the chicken. It simply wasn’t done. 

 And when I was given recipes from older women—those who became housewives in the 1950s, every single recipe contained either cream of mushroom or chicken soup or cool whip. And a left-over from those days, I am still required to make green bean casserole for the family thanksgiving: cans of beans, cans of cream of mushroom soup and those fried onions.

 The other thing that shocked me was the size of the portions. In England a ham sandwich was two slices of bread with a slice of ham between them. A ham sandwich here is an inch thick of ham with all the trimmings! I remember a fellow Brit coming to New York for the first time. She stayed at a fancy hotel and ordered room service. She thought a chicken sandwich sounded good. Then she thought she was hungry so she ordered two chicken sandwiches. Each one came up with half a chicken on it!

 English cooking has always had a bad reputation—mainly because the average housewife used to boil all the goodness out of her vegetables and overroast the meat. But English cooking at its best relies on fresh, unadulterated ingredients. Cows and pigs are raised in pastures in UK. Eggs taste like eggs. Fresh fish comes from the sea the same day. There are now hundreds of small market gardens where organic produce is grown. And it’s interesting how Indian cuisine has been universally adopted in UK, ranging from curry and chips in a lowly café to wonderfully spiced delights in an upscale restaurant.

 So I’m interested to hear your memories of food growing up in the US. Did you actually like Jello salad? Did you ever cook with cream of chicken soup or cream of mushroom or cool whip? 

Getting Crafty

RHYS BOWEN: At the beginning of an unforeseen length of isolation I assumed I’d use the time well. Not only would I write stellar books but I would take up all those things I planned to do during my life and never had done. I was going to perfect playing my Welsh harp. I was going to take my knowledge of Italian beyond ordering meals and talking about the weather. Ditto with my Welsh. I have both programs downloaded onto my computer. Both untouched to date.

 Also I was going to be really crafty and make all sorts of wonderful things. Well, I did make some masks before you could buy them, including one from a bra! It looked okay but since I couldn’t breathe with it on was hardly a great success. 

 I bought a big cross stitch picture and I actually started it. I’ve done about an inch along the top by now. At this rate I’ll finish it by 2030.

I cut up many lengths of yarn intending to thread my loom and weave a scarf, but they sit, draped over the loom, not threaded, not ready to begin even. But I did knit an outfit for a German doll given to my daughter Clare as a baby by my best friend when we were visiting in Germany. Clare never really took to the doll (it has a carved wooden head) and so it lay there, too dear to throw away. But the doll was dressed as a baby and I thought he ought to be a little German boy. So I’ve made him lederhosen and a traditional green jacket. I’ve decided i can knit doll’s clothes. I like something I can finish in one evening.

 One thing I did do a lot of, especially at the beginning of the pandemic, was watercolor painting. I found it calming and I liked that I was totally absorbed and so did not worry while I was working. Having done landscapes I tried my hand at portraits and painted several of the family for Christmas gifts.

This was a picture of my mother, done from an old black and white photograph. It does look like her!

 But I notice I haven’t picked up my paints since Christmas. IN fact I haven’t done much in the way of creativity except for starting on my next book--and that’s because the word DEADLINE looms. But I think I feel burned out… too much underlying worry for too long, and then adding additional worry about crazy mobs storming the Capitol. Now all I want is for life to return to normal. I want to feel free to pop to the store whenever I feel like it, not just during senior hour, to meet friends for lunch, to go to a theater again. I’m sure you all feel the same.

 So who else has found her artistic and crafty side during this time? I saw a post from Jenn that she had ordered masses of yarn, intending to do great knitting projects.

I know Hallie has been doing jigsaws like crazy. Has anyone else found a hidden artistic bent? A new hobby that will be continued after the pandemic lifts? I think my new hobby will be research for upcoming travel!

And who found they were more creative? Less creative? More inspiration? Less inspiration?   For me it was the latter. I find I have had to drag out the words for my books, force myself to sit at the computer.  Now I have my vaccines maybe I'll be bursting with new creativity--make that cross stitch, weave that scarf, oh, and write a few brilliant books along the way.

AND drum roll please! 
The winner of Ellie Griffith's book is Joan Emerson.  Joan please email me at authorrhysbowen@gmail.com with your street address and I'll see that a copy is sent to you.  Congratulations.