How Can You Be Late for Your Own Funeral?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: YAAYY!! Elaine Viets! What an icon, and what an inspiration, and what an incredibly ground-breaking author.

Plus, she's undeniably one the most hilarious, most droll, and most entertaining authors you could ever meet.

And whoa, talented, too! When you finish this essay--which as you will see could have been written by nobody but Elaine!--check out her bio, below. And stand in awe. 

 

Untimely Ripped: Ripped from the Headlines Stories

By Elaine Viets

Many writers use “ripped from the headlines” stories as inspiration for their mysteries. But which news stories should you use? How do you know there won’t be twenty novels the next year or two with similar plots?

In my case, I chose a news story based on its longevity. Not how long it stayed in the papers – how long it stayed in my mind.

This is the story behind the story for “Late for His Own Funeral,” my latest Angela Richman, Death Investigator, mystery.

The idea came from a Los Angeles Times story that stuck in my mind for almost twenty-five years. Back in 1998, an LA County coroner’s official told a woman that her husband was dead. I’ve changed the couple’s names to Betty and Richard Walton.

The news of her husband’s death dropped poor Betty into a nightmare. Richard was Princeton-educated and a high-ranking political advisor. Yet the coroner said Richard had died in police custody from an abscess caused by dirty needles. Betty demanded to see her husband’s body. The official said no – the body was being autopsied. The wife refused to believe that Richard was shooting heroin. The police confirmed the dead man’s fingerprints as her husband’s. The dead man was also carrying Richard’s driver’s license.

Betty said her husband’s license had been reported lost. The coroner’s investigator fed her a fat hunk of baloney. He “suggested that she was feeling anger and denial,” and that was normal.

Besides, the Waltons had been going through a tough time, and Betty knew her husband was depressed. Richard had moved out of the family home, and was staying with a relative. She also knew Richard had walked out of the relative’s home, crying, and the family hadn’t seen him for a few days. Betty caved and planned Richard’s funeral.

The morning of the funeral, the widow wanted “one last touch.” While the body was being prepared at the cemetery, she went to look at her husband. The dead man didn’t resemble her husband in any way: he was a large, hairy man. Richard was slender. The hair was wrong.

The funeral was canceled. Turns out the actual dead man was a transient drug addict who’d been carrying Richard’s missing driver’s license.

The police had used Richard’s missing driver’s license as a basis to identify the dead man. There were many other snafus, but the first rule of body identification is: never, ever identify a body by a driver’s license.

Why did that story appeal to me? I liked the macabre touches. Also, some years ago, I had a life-threatening illness, a series of strokes and brain surgery. When I recovered, I read my obituary. The idea of showing up for my own funeral intrigued me. Besides, when I was poky as a kid, my dad would say, “Hurry up, Sis. You’re going to be late for your own funeral.”

For whatever reason, I spun that story of the LA couple into my new death investigator mystery, “Late for His Own Funeral.”

In “Late,” Sterling Chaney is a rich and respected resident of Chouteau Forest, Missouri, home of the one percent. When his flashy sports car crashes at high speed, there isn’t enough of the driver left “to spread on a cracker,” in the inelegant words of the medical examiner.

Angela Richman is at the funeral with the new widow, Camilla. The casket Camilla’s late husband wanted causes quite a shock.

 Angela said:

Camilla, his widow, had given her husband what’s called the “Golden Send-Off” – she’d buried him like a rock star in a stunning Promethan casket.  The remains rested on plush velvet. The casket’s exterior was actually solid bronze, hand-polished to a mirror finish. It shone like gold.

Michael Jackson, James Brown, and Aretha Franklin all went to their reward in a Promethan casket. And now, Sterling Chaney. His casket, covered in roses like a Derby winner, looked incredibly gaudy in the austere Episcopalian church in Chouteau Forest, the largest town in Chouteau County.

I could hear the shocked murmurs and appalled whispers as the funeral home attendants rolled the garish casket up the aisle. The churchgoers would be even more shocked if they knew it cost thirty thousand dollars. In the pew behind us, a sturdy black-clad matron gasped, “Good heavens!”

But the service would soon have a bigger shock.

The funeral was interrupted by an unexpected guest – Sterling Chaney. Yep, he’s back, alive and well and drunk as a skunk, trying to take selfies with his golden coffin in the church.

Death investigator Angela Richman works for the Chouteau County medical examiner’s office. She’s in charge of the body at the scene of murders, suicides, and unexplained deaths. Sloppy work by the medical examiner and the police created this mix-up with Sterling. Angela is relieved the mess wasn’t her case.

After his dramatic entrance, Sterling Chaney, the man who was late for his own funeral, is all over the news. Sterling loves the spotlight, until a smart reporter reveals he earned his fortune by exploiting women who worked for him in a shady business. Sterling is disgraced and shunned by Chouteau society.

Then there’s another fatal crash.

This time, death investigator Angela Richman has to confirm that Sterling is really dead, then find out who killed him and why. Did the man who was late for his own funeral die twice?

I hope this story sticks in your mind.

HANK: That is amazing! Amazing. And just head-shaking enough to be true.

We don't want to tell funeral stories, okay? 

So let's talk about ripped from the headlines. Let me ask you, Reds and readers:  DO you still read actual paper newspapers? Do you ever snip clippings from them?

(I do! I'm a three actual paper a day person...and I always rip out clippings.)

How about YOU?

Elaine Viets has written 31 bestselling mysteries in four series: hard-boiled Francesca Vierling, traditional Dead-End Job, and the cozy Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper novels. With her Angela Richman, Death Investigator forensic mysteries, Elaine returned to her hard-boiled roots. Late for His Own Funeral is her newest Angela Richman mystery. Kings River Life said Late for His own Funeral was “a fascinating exploration of sex workers, high society, and the ways in which they feed off of one another.”  

  Elaine’s Deal with the Devil and 13 Short Stories was published by Crippen & Landru. She's been toastmaster and guest of honor at the Malice Domestic Mystery Conference. Elaine’s won the Agatha, Anthony and Lefty Awards and was shortlisted for the International Thriller Writers Award for best short story. 

Avoiding the Zombie Apocalypse By Elaine Viets

 LUCY BURDETTE: If you haven't heard of Elaine Viets, you will have after today--and you will thank us for it! She's not only a talented and prolific writer, she's a tireless worker for the mystery writing community--and has made one of the toughest medical comebacks you can imagine. And did she use her problems as an excuse to quit? No, she did not! She used her experience as the basis for a new series. And today we welcome her to talk about her change in direction from cozy mysteries to the dark side...

  ELAINE VIETS:  Zombie series. We've all read them: a string of novels that are barely alive, dragged by their authors from one publisher to another. Each new zombie novel staggers to its feet, but dies quickly. It’s hard to survive without a heart.

         The kindest – and smartest – thing to do is end your series before it becomes a zombie.

         I’ve written three mystery series:

         My first series featured Francesca Vierling, a six-foot tall St. Louis newspaper columnist. After four Francesca novels the publisher wiped out the division.

         These novels were hard-boiled. I'd been a newspaper reporter and enjoyed writing about the story behind the story. In this series, I had the freedom to talk about subjects that newspapers were too genteel to discuss. Francesca investigates a transvestite’s murder in Backstab and the death of a RUB, a rich urban biker, in Rubout. In The Pink Flamingo Murders, a ruthless gentrifier comes to a terrible end: stabbed with a pink plastic flamingo. In Doc in the Box, bad doctors get the deaths they deserve.

         After the hard-boiled Francesca series ended, I worked dead-end jobs until my agent sold Shop Till You Drop, my first Dead-End Job mystery. This series features Helen Hawthorne, a St. Louis woman on the run in South Florida. I was writing traditional mysteries, cheerfully slaughtering awful bosses and annoying customers. Penguin saved me from being trapped in those dead-end jobs. I quit them to write my mysteries.   

         Penguin took the Dead-End Job series from paperback to hardcover and asked me to write a cozy series featuring mystery shopper Josie Marcus. Josie was supposed to be a three-book series. Dying in Style, the first Josie book, tied with Stephen King’s mystery on the Independent Mystery Booksellers Association list. 

         I happily wrote two mysteries a year. Suddenly, it was 2015. I turned in book ten of the “three book” mystery-shopper series. Checked Out, my fourteenth Dead-End Job hardcover, was published.

         And I wanted to return to the dark side. After fifteen years of writing funny, traditional mysteries and sweet cozies, I’ve started a dark series featuring Death Investigator Angela Richman. Death investigators work for the medical examiner. At a death scene, the DI takes charge of the body, photographing it, documenting the wounds, and more. The police investigate the rest of the crime scene.

         Why return to this gritty world?

         Because I never left. I love cozies, but they’re not all kittens and cupcakes. I prefer relentless Miss Marple, the fluffy knitter who declared “I am Nemesis” and brought killers to justice.

         I’d kept writing dark short stories for Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, and anthologies edited by Charlaine Harris and Lawrence Block. 

         To return to the dark side this time, I went back to college. I passed the Medicolegal Death Investigators Training Course for forensic professionals, given by Saint Louis University’s School of Medicine. The intense two-credit college course gave me up-to-date forensic information. I learned about gunshot wound fatalities, explosion-related deaths, motor vehicle fatalities, suicide, blunt-trauma fatalities, and more. Enough in-depth lectures to turn me into a temporary vegetarian.   

        Once I had the training, I needed to know how my readers felt about the change. I asked almost two thousand readers if they’d follow me to the dark side. More than 75 percent said they’d read the new Death Investigator series. Almost half said they’d prefer the new series and more than half said they’d read both.

         “I would love to see you tackle something a little darker,” one wrote. “As a male, the new series appeals to me.”

         Yes, sir. Brain Storm, the first Angela Richman death investigator mystery, debuted this month.  I still enjoy writing Helen Hawthorne’s lighthearted adventures in South Florida. My 15th Dead-End Job mystery, The Art of Murder, is out.

         But Josie Marcus, my cozy mystery series, is now on hiatus. I’ve experimented with all the cozy variations. Josie is in a good place: She’s happy with her new husband. Josie’s teenage daughter, Amelia, is about to become a young woman. Josie’s mother has met a man she loves.

         I may bring Josie back some day. But not as a zombie.

*******************************************************

Brain Storm is on sale for $9.99 as a trade paperback and $4.99 as an e-book.

ELAINE VIETS

Bestselling author writer Elaine Viets has written 30 mysteries in four series. With Brain Storm, her first Angela Richman Death Investigator mystery, she returns to her hardboiled roots. Elaine passed the MedicoLegal Death Investigators Course for forensic professionals for this series. Bestseller Reed Farrel Coleman says, "In Brain Storm, Viets takes a dangerous turn down a dark alley but manages it with panache and a touch of humor."  Elaine won the Anthony, Agatha, and Lefty Awards.  
 

About BRAIN STORM: The ultrawealthy families of Chouteau Forest may look down on death investigator Angela Richman, but they also rely on her. After investigating a horrific car crash, Angela suffers six crippling strokes. Misdiagnosed by the hospital’s resident neurologist and mended by a gauche, brilliant brain surgeon, Angela faces a harrowing recovery. She may never recover her investigative skills. While in the hospital, the doctor who misdiagnosed her is murdered, and the chief suspect is his bitter enemy, the surgeon who saved her life. Drug‑addled, hallucinating Angela fights to save the man who saved her life.

Elaine Viets on Bloodthirsty Cozies.

RHYS:  Today I'm delighted to welcome my good friend, bestselling author and former Lipstick Chronicle blogger par excellence ELAINE VIETS. Elaine has two fun cozy series going and this month celebrates the publication of her latest Josie Marcus, personal shopper book called MURDER IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

And she reveals some surprising things about cozy fans. Take it away, Elaine:

 

 ELAINE:

          “I hear Josie Marcus gets married in your new mystery,” a reader said. With her stylish silver hair, mild blue eyes and fluffy pink sweater, she looked like Miss Marple’s younger sister.

          “Sure does,” I said. “Josie marries Dr. Ted Scottsmeyer in ‘Murder Is a Piece of Cake.’”

          “And he dies, right?” Now the light in those blue eyes wasn’t quite so mild.

          “No,” I said. “In fact, he looks quite handsome in his tux.”

          “But he turns out to be a total rat and she divorces him.”       

          “Er, no,” I said. “They’ve been dating for three books now. Josie  knows him well. He’s still the same Ted.”

          “She dies!”

          “No,” I said. “Josie is the protagonist. If she dies, so does the series.”

          “Then Ted cheats on her and she kills him.” A gentleman joined in the conversation, also demanding blood.

          “Certainly not, sir!”

          I edged away from these two bloodthirsty fans. A third woman stopped me, “I know,” she said. “They get married, but Ted dies in the next book.”

          I heard the hope in her voice and crushed it.  “No,” I said. “Ted and Josie have a happy marriage. In the next book, they’ll move into their new home with Josie’s daughter, Amelia.”

          Jeez. I thought cozy readers were supposed to dislike violence.

          But ever since “Murder Is a Piece of Cake,” my eighth Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper mystery, was published readers have been hot for Ted’s head.

          Cozies are supposed to be mysteries in the tradition of Agatha Christie with no gruesome scenes, foul language or bloody bodies. So why are my not-so-gentle readers demanding Ted’s death?

          Can’t Josie have a happy marriage to her veterinarian, Dr. Ted?

          I understand that a contented married couple can be a challenge for mystery authors. Even Sue Grafton said she won’t marry her Kinsey Milhone because she doesn’t want to write Nick and Nora Charles dialogue.

          And I gave into temptation in my Dead-End Job series. Helen Hawthorne was supposed to marry Phil Sagemont in “Killer Cuts.” But when the minister asked, Does anyone know why this couple should not be joined together in matrimony?  I had a surprise guest say I do.

          Many mystery writers see that “till death do us part” vow as an opportunity.  Thriller writer Ian Fleming turned James Bond into a widower on his wedding day, when his new bride, Tracy, was killed by the spy’s archenemy Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

          James Patterson gleefully murders the bride and groom in “1^st to Die,” but there was nothing cozy about that book.

          But cozy culinary cook Diane Mott Davidson went on a killing spree on Goldy’s wedding day. The priest is killed and Goldy’s fiancé is kidnapped in “The Last Suppers.”

          I could have had Ted kidnapped on the way to the wedding. His family has money. Lenore, Ted’s mother, married a big-bucks Boca plastic surgeon. Josie could have killed her meddling future mother-in-law after Lenore flew in on her private plane to “help with” – read “control” – Josie’s wedding. Josie wished someone would lock up Lenore, and she got her wish. 

          Lenore is arrested for shooting a crazed woman who’s been stalking her son. Josie has to find the real killer so she and Ted can marry. It’s not easy, but she does.

          The wedding takes place at the Jewel Box, an art deco conservatory in St. Louis, beloved of brides for generations. The newly married couple drive away in Ted’s vintage orange Mustang without a hail of bullets. They survive a romantic honeymoon in the islands – another fatal time for wedded bliss in mysteries.

          When Ted and Josie were happily hitched, I kissed good-bye four  books worth of deadly plots: Ted could have been killed before, after or during the wedding in one book. Josie would have spent the next book solving Ted’s murder. In the third book, Josie would fall in love with the police detective investigating the case. Finally, she’d marry the detective.

          See what I gave up for you? Now, readers, tell me, please: Why do you crave a wedding murder? Is killing husbands your secret fantasy?

          I’m dying to know.

                                      ***

          Elaine Viets is the author of two bestselling mystery series, the Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper mysteries and the Dead-End Job mysteries. “Murder Is a Piece of Cake,” her eighth Josie Marcus mystery, is available as an e-book and a paperback from Obsidian. Elaine has one the Agatha, Anthony and Lefty Awards. Visit her website www.elaineviets.com 

And Elaine will be around today to answer questions on JRW.

And a message from Jan.

PAULA BUCK

and

JOAN EMERSON

have won copies of Michael Sherer's thriller, Night BLIND! Please email Jan at Janbrog@comcast.net so she can send you your copies.

I Ain’t Got No Body

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  You know what the hardest part of writing a murder mystery is? To me, it's the murder. First, I just don't like to do it. I keep thinking--can't the person just be kind of--hurt? and then they get better? Well, no actually, and why is hurting someone okay? Okay, because it's fiction. And it's a murder mystery. Someone has to die!

So I try to make sure the person really deserves it.  But of course, in real life, that's sometimes not the case.  I'm still trying to get comfortable with killing someone. (I know I can say that around you.)


And then, there's also the annoying problem with disposing of said body. And even the much-lauded and best-selling Elaine Viets has a problem with that!  Welcome to Jungle Red, Elaine--and Reds, if you haven't met her? Hold on to your coffee.  

I Ain't Got No Body

 by Elaine Viets

  

 A mystery writer’s life sounds easy: I get up when I feel like it, commute through the living room to my office, and sit at my desk where I kill people. On paper.

 Easy enough. No mess, no guilt, no cops knocking at my door.

 My work brings me personal satisfaction, too. I’ve killed off several people who do not resemble any of my bosses, living or dead. To keep the libel lawyers at bay, I use a technique called SPC – Small Penis Characteristic. I give the deceased an extremely small member. Because of course, no one would stand up in court and say, “Your Honor, that woman wronged me in her book. I am Little Dick!”

 Of course, you realize I write humor and I’m prone to exaggeration (except in Little Dick’s case). But my work is not as easy as it seems.

 Once I kill someone, I’m stuck with the body.

 My killer could panic and run away, but that’s a bad idea. Dead bodies are chock-full of valuable evidence to help the police catch him. Even the most careful killer can leave behind a clue.

 Also, it makes for a very short novel.

 The same goes for burying the victim. Besides, digging a hole deep enough so a hunter or hiker won’t stumble over the body is hot, sweaty work.

 My killer is stuck with a hundred pounds or more of rapidly spoiling meat. And South Florida has one of the highest decomposition rates in the nation. (Hope you didn’t read that fact over breakfast.)

 When I set my new Dead-End Job mystery, “Final Sail,” aboard a luxury yacht sailing out of Fort Lauderdale, I thought I had the perfect way to dispose of a body.

  I had a boatload of people rich enough to buy their way out of trouble, a willing staff, a large, lonely ocean, and a violent storm.

  Just chuck the body over the rail, quick and clean, and my worries were over, right?

 Wrong.

 I’d wind up drowning in paper work.

 I did some research. Turns out if a yacht leaves Fort Lauderdale with sixteen people aboard, it had better return with the same number – or a good explanation for the missing person.

 I couldn’t even have the yacht’s Bulgarian engineer bump off the victim.

 I needed a murder where the killer would be brought to justice – US justice. If the crime was going to be investigated by U.S. officials, then the ship had to sail under the American flag. That meant everyone on board has to be a US citizen. I had to get the Bulgarian engineer naturalized fast – more paperwork. And then muddy the waters a bit.

 I think I managed it. One victim dies neatly in his hospital bed and is carted off for a funeral and a full investigation. The other is lost at sea – or jumps ship.

 But it was hard work. I may kill people, but I don’t do them in carelessly.

 In my book, a murder has to be dead right.

********

HANK: So, Red writers. How do you feel about--killing people?  (When was the last time someone asked you that?) And do you have trouble disposing of the body? And Red readers, do you notice when a murder is not--dead right? And in true Jungle Red style: a copy of Elaine's new book--to one lucky commenter!

*****************

            Helen Hawthorne, Elaine Viets’ private-eye detective, works as a yacht stewardess in “Final Sail,” the 11^th Dead-End Job mystery. Marilyn Stasio praises Elaine’s “quick-witted mysteries” in the June 3 New York Times. Visit her Web site at elaineviets.com

           

           

A New Chapter for Mystery Writer Elaine Viets

CONTEST WINNERS....Kiki, Donna and Dru, you've won signed copies of Deborah Crombie's latest No Mark Upon Her! Congrats!! To claim your copies send your snail mail addresses to Deb at deb@deborahcrombie.com. For all the new visitors to Jungle Red - come back often for news, fun chats and freebies.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: Because writing two different series and traveling all over the country to speak and promote isn't enough hard work, Elaine Viets has a brand new venture and she's here to tell us about it.

ELAINE VIETS: Radio Ear Network talked me into it. I’m hosting a half-hour talk show which just started last Monday. It’s “The Dead-End Jobs Show,” named for my bestselling mystery series with Helen Hawthorne. The new talk show features the extraordinary secrets of ordinary jobs, offbeat jobs and unusual jobs.

REN is Internet radio – radio any time you want it, any way you want it. The network is global, with more than 6 million listeners around the world. Each week, I’ll talk to a new guest. The first shows include international theater critic Bill Hirschman, talking about why so many British actors are getting American accents – and American roles. Like Hugh Laurie in “House.”

There’s someone new each week. Check out the schedule here. (http://elaineviets.us4.list-manage.com/track/click?u=74b4758eb98c4223ed08f5d0d&id=5c2615e339&e=8c82616291)

Traveler Kay Gordy tells you how to see the world on a budget as a guest and a host for SERVAS in more than 100 countries. Susan Gillis talks about the historic time when Grandma and Grandpa got trashed: Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale.

Don’t worry – I’m still writing mysteries. “Final Sail,” my new Dead-End Job mystery with Helen Hawthorne debuts May 1 as an e-book and a hardcover from NAL, a division of the Penguin Group.

And after reading Rosemary's recent post, I'd recommend listening to the "Dead-End Jobs Radio Show" . . .under the sheets.

Many ways to listen to the “Dead-End Jobs Show”
Monday 1 p.m. EST / 6 p.m. GMT
Tuesday 10 a.m. GMT / 5 a.m. EST
Wednesday 6 p.m. EST / 12 a.m. GMT
On your computer here. (radioearnetwork.com.) On iPod, iPhone, iPad, Nook, Kindle, Kobo or other e-tablet here. (http://tinyurl.com/79abf9n) For podcasts, or to catch shows you missed, click here. (http://tinyurl.com/6stexof)
For contests and to hear my new guests, click on Radio at http://www.elaineviets.com/

In my mind I'm going to Carolina

ROSEMARY: Actually, I'm not just going in my mind, I'm going in an American Airlines big old plane - don't ask what kind, I never know - and I'm going with Stefanie Pintoff and Jane Cleland. We are embarking on Molly Weston's 2011 Ladies on the Lam Tour.

And Molly, who one day will officially be anointed the patron saint of mystery writers, does an amazing job keeping our dance cards full with appearances at libraries, bookstores, cultural centers and women's groups with the occasional side trip to Replacements (more on that tomorrow for the china and tea set lovers) and the wonderful daylily farm that she and her husband own. This year we'll also be visiting the exclusive Carolina Club.

Last year I was lucky enough to be a part of Molly's Unarmed But Dangerous tour with Elaine Viets, Donna Andrews and Meredith Cole. Roberta mentioned that it's good to tour with other people and I've been very fortunate to have toured with some of the most generous, most fun people in the mystery community.

BTW there really is a James Taylor Bridge in North Carolina and apparently the sign keeps getting stolen.

Ladies on the Lam will be an opportunity to speak to hundreds of readers (always good) but even more important it will be an opportunity to bond with other writers, drink sweet tea, eat fried okra and pimento cheese (I'm still not sure what's in it) and talk books. For three years it's been one of the highlights of my book tour - last year's dinner at Margaret Maron's will be hard to top but I know Molly will try!

What have your most memorable tour experiences been? And who would be on your fantasy tour?

Do You Drive A Dog?

Quick, who's one of the most beloved and funniest mystery authors in the country?
Yes, that one, and sure, her too, and we do love so many of them. But Elaine Viets is on everyone's list.

Here she is with her new car. And it has a name. But more about that in a moment.

I swiped this from her web page bio:

"As a young girl, Elaine Viets was taught the virtues of South St. Louis: the importance of hard work, housecleaning, and paying cash. She managed to forget almost everything she learned, which is why she turned to mystery writing."


I mean---what can I say. If you know Elaine, you see how truly complicated this bio snippet is . Hilarious, and full of truth and irony. She would never admit that. She'd say it's just--true. Which is what makes her such a good writer. And such a wonderful person. And such a good pal of Jungle Red.


Plus, she loves cars. And today--she has a confession to make.


I Don’t Drive a Dog

I am a cat person. I have two house cats, and drive a 1986 Jaguar sedan with a leaping cat hood ornament.



The Jaguar, with its sleek curved hindquarters, is the most beautiful car on the road, in my opinion. Except for the needle-nosed Jaguar XKE. But that wasn’t a car, it was a sculpture.








I’ve spent most of my adult years driving cat cars. In the mid-1980s, I had a silver Cougar XR-7 that looked like a satisfied tabby. In 1990, I bought my first Jaguar, a used 1986 owned by an accountant who only drove it to IRS audits. I named the car Ralph.







Other car owners joke about Jaguars being unreliable. “Buy two,” I was told. “That way you’ll have another one to drive while your Jaguar is in the shop.”


But Ralph was faithful. He never stranded me on dark roads or in dangerous neighborhoods. When he was ailing, he waited until he was home and I could safely call a tow truck. Ralph and I spent some 175,000 happy miles together. Earlier this year, I noticed light coming through Ralph’s floorboards. Peter, my mechanic, patched the hole, but Ralph was terminally ill. He was rusting out. I wept for his death.



Peter knew a man who had to sell one of his aging Jaguars. I bought another 1986 sedan. What can I say? It’s an addiction. My new-old Jaguar is Black Beauty, Blackie for short. So far, Blackie has been a paragon of beauty and faithful service.

I wrote my newest Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper novel in the middle of this car drama, and wondered why there were no cars named after dogs. Cats are seen as lazy and aloof. Dogs are supposed to be steady, hard working and faithful. So why are cars named after animals ranging from Mustangs to Rams? Where is the faithful dog?

Wouldn’t Chihuahua be the perfect name for a small, cute car? A Collie would epitomize faithful service. I’d feel safe driving my loved ones in a 2009 Collie, confident that I giving them the best protection. A Dachshund would make a good name for a long van. The Rottweiler could be a cool muscle car. Young drivers would streak down the highway in fast black Rottweilers with brown spots over the headlights.



Of course, dog cars could have perception problems. Who wants to drive a dog when that is a synonym for lemon?



Here’s a sliver of dialogue from “The Fashion Hound Murders,” where Josie Marcus and her best friend Alyce discuss the issue.


“I might like to drive a Golden Retriever or a big friendly Labrador,” Alyce said.
“Who wants to drive a Pit Bull?” Josie said. “And buying a Doberman is asking for trouble, especially if I had an accident. I could see a lawyer telling a jury, ‘That woman’s 2009 Doberman ran a red light and attacked my client’s innocent 2007 Golden Retriever.’
“And I’d be the bitch behind the wheel.”


I’m afraid cat cars will continue to rule the road. After all, a female cat is a queen.




HANK: Oh, now I'm obsessed with thinking of a good dog-car name. Do you have a 2009 Poodle? You know what that would look like. And once your car is all dented, it's clearly a Sharpei. What do you think?


***************************

The Fashion Hound Murders is available now!

(Josie Marcus has been hired to check out a big pet store's involvement with puppy mills. When an employee who clued her into the mills' existence shows up dead, Josie realizes that sinking her teeth into this case could mean getting bitten back...)


Win a free autographed copy of Elaine Viets’ new Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper mystery, “The Fashion Hound Murders.”



Tell us your best idea for a dog-car name. (A Labra-4-door?)

Or cat name. (A Chevy Catmaro?)



The Jungle Red team of highy-trained top-notch accountants will choose a winner from today’s comments!



And what's more:

Check out the first chapter of “Fashion Hound” at http://www.elaineviets.com./

And buy your autographed copy at http://tinyurl.com/yfah94w

ON HISTORY (and more Elaine!)

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of democracy, tonight is your answer."

'I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight."

****President-elect Barack Obama

So? Everyone sleepy today from staying up too late?

We gave up a little sleep to witness a lot of history.

Earlier this week we talked about our first votes for president, and whether we remembered them. November 4, 2008, a lot of indelible memories were made.

********************************************

And now back to our regular programming.

HANK: I hear through the cyber-grapevine that you have a title for your newest book! Can you reveal it? Was it..an easy choice?

ELAINE: We went through more than 50 titles before we found one my editor and publisher liked. It took dogged persistence.

HANK: Like, so often you were barking up the wrong tree? Or biting off more than you could chew? I mean, we shouldn't kibble over titles...

Okay, fine. Just tell us what you decided...

ELAINE: The fifth Josie Marcus mystery shopper novel will be called "The Fashion Hound Murders," thanks to Kara, my editor,and Don, my husband. And thanks to my cyberfriends, who emailed me their ideas. Your inspiration kept me going.

HANK: Yes, the gang at Cozy Armchair and Cozy Discussion had some wonderful ideas..you have lots of great pals. (A big shout out to you all...) And we all want you to answer

the Jungle Red Questions! ...

JRW: Miss Marple or Hercule Poirot?

ELAINE:Miss Marple. I had my mustache removed by electrolysis.

JRW Sex or violence?
ELAINE Sex. I can get violence on TV.

JRW Pizza or Chocolate?

ELAINE: Chocolate

JRW: Daniel Craig or Pierce Brosnan? (We won't even include Sean Connery because we know the answer. Don't we?)
ELAINE Daniel Craig.

JRW Katherine Hepburn or Audrey Hepburn?
ELAINE Katherine. I prefer Faberge eggs to breakfast at Tiffany's.

JRW First person or Third person?
ELAINE Both, but not at the same time.

JRW Prologue or no prologue?
ELAINE No prologues for me, but I enjoy other people's prologues. I feel the same way about kids.

JRW Your favorite book as a kid?
ELAINE "The Pokey Little Puppy." A good book in all senses of the word, since the cover was well-gnawed.

JRW: Making dinner or making reservations?
ELAINE: Reservations. I like to leave cooking to the pros.

And also: the Jungle Red BIG LIE!

. Tell us four things about yourself. Only three can be true. We'll try to guess what's false.

I rode with a thousand bikers from Wilmington, Delaware, to the Vietnam Wall in Washington DC.
I have a small tattoo on my right shoulder.
I was nearly thrown out of a New Orleans hotel for trashing a room.
I got six months probation in Litchfield, Illinois.

HANK: So...I can picture Elaine with a tattoo. (Maybe of her Lefty award?) What do you all think?

Don't forget to enter our contest for a free autographed copy of the JUST RELEASED Murder with All the Trimmings! Just put in a comment...with a shopping tip a la Elaine if the spirit moves you!

And hey--if you can't get enough Elaine? If you've ever been tempted to be a mystery shopper--she's telling all to the fabulous Femmes Fatales.