Flying through.... hits and misses

HALLIE EPHRON: We're all on the road these days, passing through various and sundry airports. Usually it's that same old, same old, and you're just lucky to get where you're going without a delay. But every once in a while I get pleasantly surprised.
For example, kudoes to the smarter-than-your-average toilets in United's new Terminal B at Logan - they don't flush while you're sitting on them. And those Dyson hand dryers are a trip.

Favorite airport sign: In Milwaukee, you emerge from TSA screening to the RECOMBULATION AREA. Security with a sense of humor - now that's something in short supply.

Appleton Airport with its 8 gates was pure bliss. Extra points for excellent bratwurst, the perfect way to say good-bye to Wisconsin.

And recently for some reason I have started to get tickets marked TSA Pre-Check. Bliss, getting to keep my shoes on and zip through the short line.

O'hare, on the other hand, is an airport that's just too big for its own good. Even with an hour between flights there's not enough time to get from one end of the airport to the other... and why should you have to when you're not even changing airlines?

So what are you thumbs up and thumbs down travel experiences lately in airport.
 
RHYS BOWEN: I'm glad you asked, Hallie, as I'm in the middle of a long trip and have already experienced the good, the bad and the very ugly. The latter was London Heathrow where the immigration officials have been on go-slow for a while now. We stood for an hour and a quarter in a line that snaked back and forth and then out of the area door, while there were TWO desks open to process travelers.. Disgusting.

My least favorite airports in US? Denver because there is 1 security line for every airline. Dallas because it takes hours to walk between gates. O'Hare because my flights are always being delayed or canceled for snow, thunderstorms, etc etc. Ditto San Francisco experiences delays and cancellations when there is wind or fog as they close one runway.

Oakland, on the other hand, is terrific. And I too now have TSA preapproval which makes the experience much more pleasant.

LUCY BURDETTE: Okay, Hallie, if you want to see a smart toilet, you must go to Japan. Their toilets are heated, with multiple settings for bidet and other washes which I will not detail:). On the other hand, they also have stalls with "Eastern" toilets--basically holes in the ground. And your thigh muscles had better be in good shape, if you get my drift...

We came back through customs to the US in Dallas. They were so friendly and kind and efficient. I said to John: "somehow these people have missed the in-service grouch training that the customs people in the JFK airport all have!"

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I am in LOVE with TSA Pre-check. It makes me so happy it is almost ridiculous.

Now. Here's the bad. I am also blissfully happy when I get Boarding Group one, and I pay for it. You know, to make sure I get overhead space.
 
So you get to the boarding time, and they call over the PA:  "Please, we are now boarding our super-duper Global customers. Next our double priority customers." (Or whatever they call them), "And now, first class." Pause pause.

About a MILLION people get on.
Then they say: "Now boarding our platinum customers, and our diamond customers."

Pause pause, a million more people get on.

I HAVE PAID FOR GROUP ONE, I think, How can there be PRE-ONE?

"Now boarding our emerald customers," she says. "And then, our ruby and sapphire customers". Pause.

"Followed by priority/premier boarding."

I am SEETHING. 
"And now we are happy to board our group ones." Why is there something higher than ONE??
Just saying.

(And! What's the difference if you walk down the blue boarding lane as opposed to the general boarding lane? It all goes to the same place.)

HALLIE: My mother used to say that about eating the food that I'd spilled my milk all over... eat it, it all goes to the same place.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Hank, that is so funny. I get group one when I fly American AND buy my ticket with my AA Mastercard. Otherwise I pay for it. And then I think, who are all these other people who get on FIRST????   And the blue boarding lane! Sometimes I just want to be rebel and run down it!

TSA Precheck is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now I'm just afraid that everyone will find out you can pay to get it (assuming you're not a KNOWN criminal.) So, shhhh.

Favorite airport? I have to say I love DFW, because I never have to change planes there:-)  I do miss flying into Gatwick when I come to the UK, which I did for years until Heathrow built T5 and American moved their flights to Heathrow to compete with BA. But American flies into T3, not the glamorous T5, and that is no fun at all...

HALLIE: So what are your thumbs-up/thumbs-down travel experiences? Does anyone know what IS the deal about walking down the blue boarding lane? And Shhhh, don't tell anyone about pre-check. Please.

BAD PHOTOS

LUCY BURDETTE: I've had a very stressful month with my identification papers. First I had to get a new drivers license photo. Which came out passable. I do understand that the last one was taken seven years ago and changes have ensued. I could live with that.

But then my passport was due to expire. Aside from waiting in the line at the Post Office endlessly, the worst part of this process was, again, a new photo. I trotted down to a nearby CVS and asked the clerk if they took passport photos. She giggled with delight and pulled out an instant camera. This would be her very first time taking a passport photo. (I should also mention that it was the second day after I had a haircut with a new hair stylist. If you're like me, you know that your hair almost always looks amazing coming right out of the salon. The second day, not so much.) 

So back to the story. The woman took the picture and was very excited about the result. To my practiced eye, it looked more like a Most Wanted mug shot than the photo of a nice lady you'd enjoy having visiting your country.

Lucy: I can't send this picture in.

Lucy's husband: It's cute. It looks like you.

Lucy: I'd rather never travel again than use that photo.

Lucy's husband: It's fine. Don't be vain.

He struck a nerve. So I waited for a week to see if time would heal all wounds. Nope. Then I peddled my bike across town to the other CVS and started over again. The result is not the most gorgeous shot ever taken, but it looks more like me.

How about you Reds? Any photo horror stories?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Me? You're asking ME? The princess of particular?

I had a passport photo taken once in the CVS, big mistake.  I started griping that the clerk had me stand directly under a light, which is a disaster. (Look up before you get a photo taken, sisters, and make sure there's not a only downlight on you.) Plus, it was green. So *that* passport photo is in the pocket of the backseat of our car, which is where it will stay.

I got a better one taken. Not a glam or even flattering one, that's impossible, I guess. But not hideous.
But it's so hilarious--when I travel, sometimes I wear my glasses, not contacts. And not always make-up. So I love it when the  TSA guy looks at my passport photo, then at me, then at the photo, then shrugs and hands it back. Like--if you say so, ma'am.

Here's a photo of me at age 6 or so. Things have gotten better since then, I guess.

LUCY: Ha, ha Hank. I knew you'd have something to say on this topic! Are you sure you won't dig that photo out of the backseat pocket and let us have a look?? The six-year-old photo is adorable!

HALLIE EPHRON: I look at those passport pictures taken decades ago that I HATED back then and now I think: pretty cute! Youth is so wasted on the youthful. This passport picture was taken just before I graduated college.

In my last passport photo I look just like Whitey Bulger -- not Catherine Greig, Whitey. And I'm not sharing it. I know, I know, people say he looks pretty good for his age.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: Well, my passport pic was taken seven years ago so compared to what it would look like if taken this morning, it's not so bad. My driver's license, on the other hand - grotesque. And the lighting at CT MVB made me look like Morticia Addams. The worst are the quickie shots for visas. I took one once that was so bad the photographer actually said "let's take another, dear." Most annoying is that husband Bruce has never taken a bad photo.
RHYS BOWEN: If you think the US passport pix are bad, then you should see the English ones. You are not allowed to smile. It has to be full face, square on, hair back from forehead. I truly expected to have my prison inmate number directly beneath it. Drivers license for some reason always looks pretty good.

LUCY: my gosh, Rhys, why on earth won't they let you smile?? You are so much more beautiful than that photo...

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: My worst passport photo is a group shot from my childhood, back in the day when kids traveled on their parents' passport. I was six or seven, with a wild thicket of hair, an eye patch (there to correct my amblyopia) and my two front teeth missing. My younger sister's blond curls for some reason exploded to mad scientist height, and she's wearing overalls which, in the black and white picture, look like garb issued by the Soviet Toddler's Collectivist. My usually composed and chic mother has the strained look often seen in POW videos, probably due to the efforts of getting two overactive girls through the passport process. The overall effect is that of a family of Moldovian refugees fleeing the destruction of their village.

I also want to know why you can't smile in the UK passports. Still trying to convince the rest of the world it's all stiff upper lip?

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Lucy, still chuckling. I have to have my driver's license renewed this year, and am not looking forward to it. And what about our Costco or Sam's cards ID photos? I am not posting my Costco ID!
My current passport picture is surprisingly not bad, so I went digging in the file for the old passports. OMG, the 1989 photo, when I had the really short hair with the really curly perm???? What was I thinking? And no, I'm not posting that one, either. But I found my first passport. It's certainly not flattering (again, what was with the hair?) and I don't know why I'm doing the "covering up bad teeth" smile, but there is a certain nostalgic charm to it. And then, on the second page, I found the stamp from my first ever trip to England. That I have to include, and a photocopy is going in my Iona journal.
But it just goes to show that I, at least, can't depend on memory. I've told the story for years about flying into Gatwick that first time and seeing the Surrey countryside. The passport is stamped Heathrow.





LUCY: There you go reds, aren't we some good sports? How about you, any photo horror stories to start the week off with a good laugh?