They do what to your what?

JENN McKINLAY: It was November of 2019 and the Jungle Red Writers were meeting at Bouchrcon in Dallas. I think this is the only time all seven of us have been together in my eight years as a Red. Miracles happen!

We were having this group picture taken:

Hank doesn't love this one, no idea why...lol.

Anyway, somehow we got into a conversation with our photographers, two very nice gents somewhere in their 30's/40's - honestly, I have no idea, I'm a terrible judge of age - and I think one of our Reds got squashed (Julia?) and muttered something about it feeling like a mammogram. 

The photographer dudes clearly had no idea why we thought this was so funny and being the informative types we are, we then described in great detail to these two horrified males what all a mammogram entails. Boob meets glass plates and smash! 

Y'all I can still see their faces. Yes, it was that comical and I still laugh when I think about it. Also, I believe we did them and the women in their lives an invaluable favor that day.

Side note: This might be on my mind because I'm having one today. 

After that encounter, it occurred to me that we ladies do the world a terrible disservice in not letting our co-creators of the species know exactly what being a female of humankind entails. As the mom of two boys, I was pretty blunt about body parts and how they work (both male and female - my sex ed talk lives on in the family lore to this day) but you never know if they're really getting it, you know? 

Exhibit A: 

How about you, Reds and Readers, do the men in your life know how the mysterious female body works? And if you're one of our male readers, how do you rate your knowledge of the female body? 

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring - The Mammogram!

The winner of THE LESSONS WE LEARN by Liz Milliron is C.D. Moulton, and the winners of BATTER OFF DEAD by Maddie Day are Pat D. and Alicia. Contact me at Julia Spencer Fleming (all one word) at Google mail, and I'll hook you up!

 

 

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Yes, today's title refers to the Bananaphone song, which was a longtime favorite on my mother, who liked to hold a banana against her ear and say, "I can't hear you, I've got a banana in my ear." Good times. We always used to sing the song - substituting "the mammogram" for the edible handset - when one or the other of us was talking about, well, mammograms.

 

 

No, this isn't Breast Cancer Awareness month (October, if you don't remember football players wearing pink stuff,) and guys, this post is for you, too. You can remind the women in your life to schedule their appointments, and you can learn how to do a simple breast examination - yes, you! It's fun and helpful; just about a year ago, my daughter's boyfriend noticed she had something that didn't feel quite right in her embonpoint, and she had it checked out. Thankfully, it was just a harmless cyst... but what if it hadn't been? He could have saved her life.

 

 

 

 

 

Here's the thing - caught early, when tumors are still localized, breast cancer has a 99% five-year survival rate. I'm pretty sure those are better odds than my survival rate if I keep living through Maine winters. (Someday I'm going to totter down the ice-covered driveway and whoops! They won't find my body until spring.) Forty-five years ago, that survival rate was only 74%. Thousands of women are living as breast cancer survivors instead of dying as breast cancer victims because of early screening. 

 

And mammograms are available to everyone. The ACA mandates that all insurance plans include a free screening mammogram every one or two years for women over the age of 40. Which, let's be honest, is probably most of the readership of this blog. If you're low income or uninsured, yep, there are plans and places for you to get checked out as well. I'm not yet eligible for that sweet, sweet socialized medicine ( I wish!) but both Medicaid and Medicare have extremely generous coverage.

 

 

Now, I realize a mammogram isn't the most fun thing to do on your average day. Nobody calls up their girlfriends to say, "Hey, gal, lets go grab a mammogram and lunch!" And there are people who just don't want to know, in the same way little kids hide under the blankets with the idea that if they can't see the scary thing under the bed, it can't see them. 

 

But as someone who sat with a loved one through two rounds of cancer treatment, I can promise you that nothing - not the discomfort, not the fear of "finding out," not the weirdness of having a nice lady named Cheryl maneuver your boobs around while talking about her childcare difficulties - is as uncomfortable, scary and weird as surgery and chemo/radiation/immuno therapy. And if you do have a positive test? If there's a problem? The sooner you get to that alarming and strange medical treatment, the more likely you are to be one of that awesome 99% survival statistic. 

So, dear readers, check your calendar, check in with your doctor, and if you're overdue for a mammogram, make that appointment today. Be sure to remember to sing the Mammogram song - Cheryl will definitely appreciate it.