Searching for your BIrth Parents?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  For the past year, no, a little longer, I've been thinking about adoption, and foster care, and the bonds we have with our families and children. On the cover of THE WRONG GIRL (my new book that comes out tomorrow!) it says "What if you didn't know the truth about your own family?"

As a kid, I used to taunt my mother with "When my REAL mother comes and takes me away, you'll be sorry..." Sometimes my "real mother" was the queen of someplace, making me the long-lost princess who would--soon, I hoped ---be transported to some place where she didn't have to make her bed.

And,  thinking back, in grade school and high school, I don't think I knew anyone who was adopted. At least, no one who said so. (I was an outlier enough--in 1956, to have parents who were divorced was a cause for pity and a bit of ostracizing. (You don't have a father? Oh,gosh...)  Adoption was a mysterious and terrifying thing, back then 50 or 60 years ago,  something that happened to someone else.

And when a girl "got in trouble" and "went to visit her aunt"--well, enough said.

Either me or my sister...

But now of course, it's so different. I know many people who are adopted, and some who have looked for and located their birth parents. Whole websites and organizations are devoted to it.   Adoption in celebrity circles is almost de rigueur, and certainly being married is not a prerequisite, in many parts of society at least, for having a baby.  But still, but still. What makes our identity?

And as a reporter, I've done lots of stories about foster care...not only the incredible difficulties, but the stories of love and acceptance.

So  Reds, with THE WRONG GIRL and its themes of "What if you didn't know the truth about your own family?"--and more about that on pub day tomorrow!--do you have stories of adoption and birth parent searches?

LUCY BURDETTE: I can't wait for this book, Hank, sounds fascinating! It seems like the New York times has run a lot of articles recently about the failure of the foster care system. This is absolutely heartbreaking and these pieces always make me feel guilty that I'm not taking children in. Troubled teenagers, for example. Can you imagine the havoc that would wreak on your life? But how much is at stake…One of the best

books I've read involving foster case was THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS by Vanessa Diffenbach. Amazing descriptions of the homes the character survived and the meaning of family.

RHYS BOWEN: I'm also amazed how society has changed in its views on illegitimate babies. In my last Molly Murphy book, The Family Way, the story is all about what it's like to be pregnant and married, or pregnant and unmarried--literally a difference between life and death in those days.  Even when I was young there was really no choice about giving up a baby if you weren't married. I did know two girls who were adopted when I was growing up. Both with older adoptive parents who spoiled them horribly. And Hank, I also fantasized about my real parents coming for me one day! 

Yes, Sputnik

HALLIE EPHRON: We used to torture my little sister, telling her that she was adopted. Dropped in the yard by Sputnik (that's dating us). I know, it was mean.

More seriously, I don't know if I'd ever have started writing if I didn't know that my parents were writers and that I had the genes, even if I didn't have the disposition. Less thrilling is knowing I probably have a genetic predisposition to depression, bipolar illness, alcoholism, not to mention acute narcissism.

Hank is talking NOT knowing the truth about who your parents are. To be lied to would be a betrayal; to simply not know would be something else, and I think it depends on who you are whether it would be something that you'd need to find out.   

And I have read the book and loved it. It's fast, fun, at times scary, and very thoughtful on this topic.

(HANK: Oh, thank you, Hallie!)

ROSEMARY HARRIS: I knew my parents and still don't think I knew them, so what does that say? Too late now. Sometimes my sister and I felt like we'd been dropped into our family by aliens who wanted to learn about humanoid life forms. And they'd be coming back for us.

 Other than the aliens who didn't come to retrieve me, I have no personal stories of adoption. This summer I read a wonderful book called Orphan Train (edited by Hallie's editor, I think.) I'd been researching the orphan trains of the late 18th and early 19th century and this book was wonderful. Highly recommended.

(What were the orphan trains? - briefly, poor, orphaned or abandoned children , mostly from NY and Boston were shipped to the midwest to be adopted by farm families. Needless to say it didn't always work out.)

HALLIE: Ro's comment made me think about how many iconic children's stories are about orphaned kids. Cinderella, The Little Princess, James and the Giant Peach, Ann of Green Gables, The Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter...  

DEBORAH CROMBIE: So interesting about all the iconic orphan stories, Hallie!  I loved all of them! Maybe there is an inherent mystery in either not knowing where you came from, or in having lost parents. 


I have a friend of many years who was adopted (as was her older sister, but not from the same biological parents). My friend did as an adult try to contact her birth mother for health-related reasons, but her mother refused the contact. That must be crushing. 

But so many story possibilities...

And I have, I realized, in my last few books introduced an orphaned child who has, and will continue to have, a big part in the ongoing series.

We think this is Jonathan and his mom

HANK: Debs, that happens all the time. Can you even imagine...? And I do think that the fantasy of retrieval by aliens or royal families or even being called to school via message from an owl shows how intent we are on understanding where we came from. And we know that search doesn’t always have a happy ending.

How about you all? Stories of adoption, foster care, searching?  (And don’t forget I’m off on tour starting Wednesday! Check my website for the schedule—I’d adore to see our Jungle Red team on #HankonTour!)  

And a copy of the amazing Sue Grafton's W is for Wasted to one lucky commenter! Her book comes out tomorrow, too!