My Special Place

RHYS BOWEN: I'm sure you've all found the past weeks as stressful as I have: spiteful, hateful political ads, voter fraud and intimidation, then the shooting in Thousand Oaks, a community that seems like the epitome of the American dream--elegant homes amid rolling hills, and those same hills being devastated by fire.

If I didn't have children and grandchildren in this country I'd seriously be thinking about moving somewhere else . The question would be where could I go? And would I want to uproot at this stage of my life? So what I have been doing is creating a fantasy escape in my mind.

I'm picturing that little English village (just like the ones Debs is now visiting). There are thatched cottages and an old stone church with a tower where bells ring every Sunday. There is a pub,  where there is a welcoming fire in winter and everybody knows everyone else.

There are flowers in gardens and horses and cows in fields and a village green where there is a cricket match every Sunday all summer. And I'd come out of my cottage, with roses climbing around the front door, put my basket on my arm and walk into the village to buy fresh bread at the baker's. And chat to other people along the way.

Doesn't that sound delightfully perfect? 

In moments of severe stress I also have another picture in my mind: a walk I did up to the Matterhorn in Switzerland. It is May and I'm walking through a carpet of flowers. The air is fresh and scented. There is the gentle sound of bells around the necks of cows in the meadow. I pass a little hut, come around the bend in the path and there is the mountain ahead of me, gleaming unbelievably white. And I just stand and stare and breathe.  I recall that image now when I need to breathe and be calm.

How about you? Do you have a place to escape to in your mind?

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Rhys, it sounds like a Mary Pilcher novel! I love her books, which have people experiencing genteel tragedy and triumph in the most luscious domestic settings possible. I can't remember the plots, but i can still recall the description of the "fragrant David Austin roses gathered in a shining silver bowl." The bowl was on a table well-polished with beeswax, natch.

I love your country destination, but after decades of Maine winters, my fantasy location is somewhere warmer.  If I had my druthers, I'd head for New Zealand. Beautiful landscape of mountains and seas, friendly English speaking people, rich history and culture dating back thousands of years, and it's home to a liberal Anglican church. Plus that adorable accent! I swear any man sounds sexier when speaking in a Aussie or Kiwi voice.

HALLIE EPHRON: In moments of stress, I "take a walk" in the neighborhood I grew up in, go 'shopping' in the department store I could walk to, imagine floating in the ocean at one of the beautiful (hopefully still) beaches new San Juan in Puerto Rico. I also look at photo albums -- images of my children and grandchildren are enormously comforting. And I'm not going anywhere... I plan to be here to vote in 2020.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Julia, there's a description of fragrant, climbing David Austin roses in the opening chapter of my new book! Maybe I need to add the beeswax...

Hallie, I look at photos of my granddaughter, too. And of my dogs and cats and my garden. Having just been to some of Rhys's idyllic English villages, I definitely see the appeal in that, and will probably spend a good bit of the next few months re-imagining my time there. I think about the Scottish Highlands, too. But my biggest stress-relieving fantasy place is almost always London. I know that seems a little contradictory, this huge, bustling city that certainly has its own share of problems, but I think I am never happier than when I'm just walking in London, and that's a nice thing to hold on to.

LUCY BURDETTE: And add the horrific California fires to the list of our stressors! After looking at your photos of the Cotswolds, that place sure appeals to me Debs. And I love Paris the way you love London. But just taking a walk through the back streets of Key West helps, as does walking along the beach in Connecticut. I lost my best stress relievers this year--Tonka and Yoda. We are sorting out whether to get a replacement, and if so, what. King George (Jenn's little rescue kitten) is a very good role model.

And ps, tempting as it might be to move, I'm here for the long run too!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  Moving. Hm. You know? No. In moments of stress--which is like, always--okay, well let's put it this way. When I need to relax, I think about the pelicans on Nevis. We sit on the beach white white sand, not a person for miles. And the pelicans one two, three at a time, skim over the water, incredibly close, in two inches it seems, they'd hit. And they're fast. And then in an instant they go really high, then plummet into the water. Boom. And two seconds later, come up with a fish, gap it, then float on the surface. And every time they shimmy their little tail feathers. I could watch that for hours, and I can see it, vividly,  in my imagination. It calms me every time.  I'm seeing a lot of pelicans these days.

JENN McKINLAY: In times of stress, I go to the cosmos. I know, I'm a weirdo. When the Hooligans were little, we took them to the San Diego Space and Air Museum. They were having a special extraterrestrial exhibit - so fun with 8 and 9 yr old boys - and I bought a coffee table book of photographs from the Hubble Telescope. Whenever I am stressed by the world of humans, I look to the stars in that book. They are so bright and beautiful and a bajillion years old. I am fascinated while being reminded that human beings really aren't much more than cosmic dust, here for fleeting moments in the universe, and while it's important to live your best life, the things that we consider problems or tragedies aren't even a blip to the ever expanding cosmos surrounding us. I find great comfort in that.

RHYS: We have to confess that when Jenn started mentioning the cosmos we thought it was the drink (Cosmopolitans, you know?). And we all agreed they are quite good stress-relievers too!.

I think I'm lucky in that I find the Arizona desert is a great stress-buster, and also the walk we always take by the creek in California is pretty special too.


How about you, dear friends. How do you find peace in your hearts in stressful times?

COPING WITH STRESS

RHYS BOWEN: Is anyone else feeling stressed at this time of year? How many presents do I still have to buy? Have I left anyone out? The cleaning lady? The mail carrier? And what can I possibly get for my husband who says he wants nothing and needs nothing? And the house... is it ready for the Christmas luncheon I have to host, and my son's birthday....

So I'm wondering what other people do to de-stress? I have a grandson who loves to play video games as an escape (not the violent kind, his parents won't let him). I tried that once, years ago when I bought our kids the first primitive video game system. I can't remember what it was called but it had Smurfs and Super Mario and other harmless and non-violent games. Oh, and Pacman. I tried one in which you had to shoot ducks as they came across a fairground booth. Talk about stressful! The more ducks you shot the faster they came. My palms were sweaty. My heart was racing. So not the greatest stress-remover for me!

And there was the time when I thought that fish might be a good idea. Looking at a tank of tropical fish is supposed to be soothing, isn't it? We bought the tank. We stocked it with tetras and mollys and all kinds of bright and beautiful fish. And then John gave me a book on fish diseases. Disaster! Fin rot and Ick and others I can no longer remember. So I started to stare and worry. Was this one swimming funnily? Oh God. He didn't have Ick, did he? And why was that one lying quietly and not swimming? Rush to disease book and see what might be wrong with it.

So no fish for me. But my son is a fan of meditation. You can do it anywhere. No equipment needed.
Just ten minutes of your time to escape and calm the mind. I've tried it. Believe me, I have tried. But it goes like this:
Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap. Empty your mind...
Me: How do you empty your mind? I cannot catch all those rogue thoughts rushing around.
Now concentrate on your breath. Breathe in........... visualize the breath as it fills your lungs
ME: I'm visualizing. It's warm and red and--wait. Did I turn off the stove?
Now breathe out, slowly, through your mouth. Focus on the sound of your breath.... Like a gentle breeze
ME:Gentle breeze..... wind... There should be a storm in the next chapter. That's what it needs. She goes out into the storm and someone is standing amid the trees.And the trees are dancing like wild creatures. Yes. That would be great. I should get it down before the image goes...
Now breathe in again. Slowly, through your nose. Hold it for seven counts...
ME: Was that the mail coming? Mail? OMG. Did I mail that review copy I promised?

You get the picture. My mind will not stay calm and still for five seconds, let alone for ten minutes.
But what does work for me is sitting in the sauna at my health club. It's like Pavlov's dog--the moment I sit on the bench my breathing slows. Tension flows away.

And getting out into nature works too. Sometimes I drive about five miles from my house to China Camp State park on the Bay, park and watch the sunlight on the water. There is something about being at the edge of a body of water that is wonderfully centering. Walking on a beach. Feeling sand between the toes, letting waves run over my feet. I think I need to do that right now! (The picture is the beach in Cabo San Lucas where I was this time last year. Heavy sigh.)

So how do you cope with stress? What works for you?

Let's Get Resilient!

photo by bottled_void

LUCY BURDETTE: I like to read the Tuesday Science section in the New York Times (not as much as the Wednesday Dining section, but that’s another story.) The articles remind me of those I used to read in women’s magazines—chock full of interesting facts about exercise, diet, new scientific and medical discoveries in health, etc. This past week an article about cultivating resilience caught my eye. It maintained that people in middle age may be better at resilience because we’ve had lots of chances to practice. And most important, it’s a skill that can be learned. Their tips included practicing optimism, questioning the life story you tell yourself and replacing it with a more positive version, not blaming yourself completely for bad outcomes, remembering times when you bounced back from something hard, supporting others, taking stress breaks with activities that feed you emotionally, and not avoiding challenging and stressful situations—they help you build your resilience muscles!

One of my biggest health challenges over the past few years was discovering I had Meniere’s disease. Here’s a post from 2015 that I went back to look at. My conclusion at that point was that I needed to look at the problem as a challenge, rather than an impossible hurdle. I do think that helped!

Do these suggestions sound right to you? 

Money by Thomas's Pics

RHYS BOWEN: I think these are great suggestions, Lucy. In recent years I have found I am less stressed, more optimistic. I have to say in part this is due to being financially secure. There is nothing more worrying than knowing college tuition is due and you have no idea how you are going to pay it. But having paid off our mortgage and my books doing quite nicely that worry is gone. Also I find I am practicing positive thinking much more. I am able to ask "What's the worst thing that could happen?" and then think that I could handle that. But health issues... they are worrying. I was really stressed about John's condition and surgery earlier this year and I worry about my daughter's bad migraines. No good answer to tell myself about those. But things like flights being late, missing connections: annoying but I can find the positives in them. More time to work at the airport!

JENN MCKINLAY: Rhys, I am the exact same way with the minor inconveniences like delayed flights or long lines. I always look at it as an opportunity to study my fellow man, write, or stare off at the horizon and give my eyes a break from screens. I do think I'm resilient -- no one can receive as many rejections as I did for writing and not have the hide of a rhinoceros. LOL. When the hooligans were born, I did go into a panic, thinking the parenting thing was beyond me and that I was going to muck it up. I worried about everything from the quality of the water they drank to who they might partner with in life. It was exhausting and really sucked the joy out of parenting. Then I found a book called Happiness is a Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman and it really spun my head around about the pointlessness of worrying and how to master my emotions and choose positivity. I highly recommend it!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: And I think flight delays and traffic jams and robo calls--very first world problems, right?  We're so lucky to get to deal with those!  Something truly terrifying--being sick, or a family member being sick, or being..in grief, I guess--is much more difficult. So yeah, we do the best we can. I count blessings, look for the bright side, choose happiness. And it seems as if we are all learning this! As the challenge/disappointment/fear/change increases though, then we are tested. Lucy, you are a stalwart! Each of the Reds, I know, has faced some really tough stuff. I guess we have a choice: handle it, or not. One step at a time.

INGRID THOFT: I second Jenn’s point that you need to have a certain degree of resiliency to survive as a writer.  Rejection is just part of the deal, and if you can’t manage it, writing is probably not the right path to take.  Someone once asked my mom what she most hoped for her kids, and she said, “good coping skills” i.e. resiliency. The questioner was surprised; didn’t she want them to be happy or rich or successful?  Of course, she responded, but bad things happen, and if you can’t manage those inevitabilities, than happiness, success, and wealth will be much harder to attain.  I think she’s right.  There are two concepts I try to keep in mind as I navigate life’s challenges.  The first is, “this too shall pass.”  The next is the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, that “all life is suffering.”  Accepting that life can be difficult and that that is its very nature is a useful reminder when life is throwing curve balls.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Ingrid, I love "good coping skills!" I hope I can pass that example along to my daughter. I've never really thought of myself as being resilient, but it occurs to me that I know people who let the slightest setback throw them into a pit of despair, and that that attitude really tries my patience. My response is, "Well, just do it again," or "Try something else!" I know my dad struggled with depression for many years and that he made a very deliberate choice to have a positive outlook on life, and that I admire enormously. I hope I can mostly do the same. (My agent jokes--sort of--about my eternal optimism on the speed of writing. My response is, "Well, I do always finish the book, don't I?"

As for the small things, I don't get upset about traffic jams or waits in airports, etc., etc. Why get your knickers in a twist over things you can't change? And if you are stuck somewhere, it is always a chance to read or write (or take a nap!)

Reds, do you consider yourself resilient? What tips would you share?

In Search of Calm

RHYS BOWEN:
Your flight is delayed and you are stuck at the airport, about to miss a speaking engagement. A dear friend is in hospital. An editor wants rewrites NOW.
We've all been in positions when the stress threatens to become unbearable. I have developed one small tool that I carry with me. On my iPad I have an album of scenes of beauty, most taken by me. I gaze at them, one by one, and feel the tension slip away. I smile as I remember the joy of hiking up to the Matterhorn, of seeing Monet's waterlilies. It makes the time go and I feel refreshed.
So I thought I'd share a few of them with you now.

Do you have any tricks, any good ways of calming yourself in time of stress?

But I have Promises to Keep

,RHYS: I don't know about you, but I've been finding the last weeks really stressful. I see the imploding of our nation, our democracy. I can't begin to imagine what might happen next. I'm not going to mention specifics because I don't want the sort of hate mail that some friends have received, as in "why don't you kill yourself?"

So one thing I've always done when under moments of extreme stress, is to recite poetry. Two old favorites, Walt Whitman and Robert Frost come immediately to mind, especially the latter. When I was hiking in New Hampshire once my friends and I visited the Frost farm and did the poetry walk. It takes one around the estate and where each of the poems was written it is tacked up to a tree. The woodpile poem next to the woodpile. The Picking Apples next to the apple tree. We took it in turns to read aloud, our voices echoing in the crisp fall air with the scent of real, rotting apples beneath our feet and the trees glowing in fall colors. One of the most memorable experiences of my life.

And now I'm muttering to myself, "The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep."

And of course:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence.
Two roads diverged in a wood and I--
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference."

Two poems that speak to me personally. Isn't it magical the way that words can help and heal?
And where are the poets these days? Writing poetry we can all read and recite and appreciate?
I suppose they are now the song writers. Yesterday, all my troubles were so far away,"

But I'm going to keep to positive thoughts:

Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road
Healthy. Free. The world before me.
The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose.

Henceforth I ask not good-fortune--I myself am good fortune.
Henceforth I whimper no more. Postpone no more, need nothing.
Strong and content, I travel the open road.

Yes, that will be my mantra until election day. Maybe for the rest of my life.
Do you have a favorite poem that gets you through bad times?

I'm Calm. I'm calm!

RHYS BOWEN: It's been a bit of a stressful time recently. I had a Royal Spyness book to finish before I left for Bouchercon, then the copy-edits arrived for my next Molly book, and there were contract negotiations for 3 more Molly books and John had cataract surgery last week. So when I saw something called Calm Drops in Whole Foods and saw they were a historical natural remedy, I thought I'd try them.

They tasted fine until I read the label one night. Aconitum , Arsinicum, Nux Vomica, Phosporicum Acidum etc etc.. Holy cow, I thought (of course I used another word but this is a G rated blog) I'm eating arsenic, aconite, phosphoric acid... I didn't know what Nux Vomica was until my friend Bill Fitzhugh told me it was strychnine. Great. I'll probably be dead in half an hour and I am definitely not calm.

Several Facebook friends told me that the doses are incredibly small and can't hurt me, but the drops don't exactly calm me now either. So I'm interested what other Reds do to calm themselves in stressful times. For example Hank is never in the same place two days in a row. How does she handle all those airports? Always looking good for on-air assignments?

I've tried the Rescue Remedy but it doesn't seem to do much for me. I've tried St. John's Wort. But frankly I don't like taking things. I have some meditations on my iPhone. I downloaded sleep inducing noises. It was music with strange little background beeps in it that were supposed to conform to beeps in my brain.  It woke me up completely.

What helps me most on a daily basis is a visit to my health club, sitting in the sauna, swimming and then relaxing in the spa. I come home rejuvenated.  Also when I am at home I love to play my Celtic harp. Very soothing, but it's too big to fit into my suitcase.

And the other thing I've found is a handy-dandy little device called a head massager. It looks like a giant egg whisk and it's brilliant. You move it up and down over your head and say "Ahhhh."

So anyone else want to share a de-stressing secret?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I'm laughing. (No,that's not it, but that's a good idea!) When you emailed me that the Reds should add to this post, I thought: WHEN? I DONT HAVE TIME! That's why I'm laughing. Guess I should go read it again. Anyway--how I handle all the airports? I sing Nessun Dorma to  myself. Truly. And sometimes, Magical Mystery Tour. I always laugh, and i always feel better.

HALLIE EPHRON: I nap if I possibly can. Just a quick one. Or work in the garden. In an airport? I walk. Then I buy the New York Times and read it, cover to cover.

And I must say I am suspicious of all vitamins and "natural remedies" or "food supplements" or anything that touts its "antioxidants." Snake oil.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: I bought one of those head massagers! But it was way bigger and it annoyed the bejesus out of me because it didn't fit under the sink in my bathroom. Stressful. Too funny.

I've had more stress this year - moving, not moving, selling apt, not selling. Federer's failure to capture an 18th major. Whenever possible, I just stop what I'm doing and take a spin around my garden. Even when I decide I need to move boulders, it's relaxing. I take the nippers and exert control over my little bit of the universe.
Hank...Nessun Dorma?? They're going to KILL him if he doesn't guess her name? Stress. Full.

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Sex. I find sex very calming. It's difficult in an airport, however.

RHYS: What about the Mile High Club, Julia??Come on. Tell all....

JULIA: Oh, my God, I read a story about some couple that got caught in an airplane head recently. All I could think was that both of them together must have been smaller than I am, because I barely have enough space to shut the door after myself. 

I have to add, in a less racy vein, that I also like to sing to de-stress. And hum. It can be very annoying to the people around me, as I frequently don't realize I'm regaling them with a tune.

DEBORAH CROMBIE:  If I sang Nessun Dorma in any public place, someone would murder me and then I wouldn't have to worry about stress.  And weirdly, I actually like airports.  Once I'm through security, it's like an off-limits bubble. No one can ask me to do something, deal with the latest domestic crisis, or gripe at me for anything. I can read, catch up on Facebook, have a cuppa, even WORK without being interrupted. Hmm, maybe I should go live in an airport, like Tom Hanks in that movie...

At home, baths are the best de-stress thing. Walks (at least when it's not 100 degrees.) Watching the birds in the back garden (hummingbirds at the moment.) Throwing the tennis ball for Dax. And when all else fails, I read a good book.

RHYS: I don't think I'll be singing Nessun Dorma either (although I did want to be an opera singer when I was a child). I think I'll stick with my harp and my head massager. Actually I wouldn't object to a shoulder massage by a young muscular but sensitive guy. How about you, dear friends?