To Go or Not To Go, That is the Question

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Celia recently sent me an article byMelissa Kirsch of the New York Times. In it, Kirsch talks about the oh-so-modern joys of not showing up for a previous commitment: the sense of dodging an obligation, the delight of just not having to do anything. Apparently, this can go for both parties, as a recent SNL sketch points out - the pleasure of doing nothing for an evening versus the horror of having PLANS. 

Of course, modern forms of communication make it easy to sort-of-commit and kind-of-back out. In the ancient days of yore (prior to 1995) one had to phone friends to rope them into a casual get-together, which meant if you, the invitee, wanted to back out, you actually had to pick up the phone and talk to the person you were standing up. This was done by hacking loudly and pretending to be sick, or having your children/dogs/spouse wailing in the background. Either way, you felt guilty.

 

Now, however, plans might start with a text: Hey, thinking about getting together at the new sushi place next Friday? You in?

 

Notice even the invite is pretty conditional. The invitee might reply: Sounds good! Let me know the time.

 

The word “yes” does not appear. However, the invitee adds the date to their phone calendar. When Friday rolls around, over a week later, the invitee is beat, and just wants to collapse on the sofa with a drink and a new episode of Slow Horses. Instead, they’re appalled to get a follow up text: You still on for tonight?

 

Unlike ye olden times, when a host held the guests feet to the fire with a firm expectation they would show up on time (with a bottle of wine or some flowers) the modern ‘host’ is giving the invitee three clear freeway lanes to make an exit. Which the invitee does: Sorry, not a good time. Catch you later, though.

 

Reds, how are you about making plans and keeping them? Do you issue formal invites? Are you deeply relieved when you can skip an event relatively guilt-free?

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Really, boringly, old-school here. If I commit to something, I will do it unless I am literally on my sickbed, even if sometimes I would much rather be collapsed on the sofa with a homemade cocktail and the newest episode of Bake Off! On the other hand, my social calendar is not all that demanding!

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh, me, too. I’m there if I say I’m there-if I have to cancel, I hate that.  

However, I have to say if the other guy cancels, that’s kinda fine with me. I had an event with a very fancy author some years ago. I was supposed to interview her for something, and for some hideous reason that had nothing to do with me, we had to cancel. 

When I called her with an alternate date, she applauded. Yay, she said,  we can do this another time, and I get my afternoon back. When I continued to apologize, she stopped me. Hey, she said, how often are you unhappy to get time back? 

Got to admit she had a point.

But it’s got to come from them, not from me.

And thinking now–we have friends who ALWAYS cancel. It’s so funny–I kinda count on it. Oh, I say to Jonathan–that dinner will never happen. 

 

LUCY BURDETTE: I’m pretty good at keeping plans too. However, I do consult John first before accepting something. That gives us a chance to say, we’ve really got too much going on here and need some down time. (It’s quite busy in Key West and a person could end up out every night if they weren’t careful…)

 

HALLIE EPHRON: I try not to make dates I won’t be able to keep, but honestly as you get older, it’s hard to know just how you’re going to feel. I’m a lot more forgiving these days with my friends who over and over make dates and cancel. They’re doing their best, as am I. I still want to see them… hopefully another time.

 

RHYS BOWEN:  I hate to let anyone down. I put everything on the calendar instantly and if I say I’m going to be there, I am, and on time. I’m obsessive about being on time, while John has to be dragged out of the house. If I invite someone and they cancel at the last minute I don’t think I’ll be inviting them again.  However, I do realize as we get older that doctor appointments get in the way of things we’d rather do.

 

JENN McKINLAY: Hub and I are in accord that the best plans are canceled plans. Probably, because we’re out 1-2 times per week for his gigs, we’re full up on the social and a weekend off is a glorious thing! That being said, there are friends and family that I don’t even check my calendar for - if they reach out I will meet them any time, any place, any day, anywhere. I am an on time person, never early but rarely late more than a minute, but I am a ghoster. I leave parties without saying good-bye because it takes another hour to say good-bye to everyone and when I want to go, I just go. 

 

JULIA: Okay, dear readers, now it's your turn. Do you go or do you ghost?

Don't be a Ding-aLing - the New Etiquette of Phones

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Phone etiquette. Remember what it was when we were kids? You answer, “Hello, Fleming residence,” and if the caller didn’t identify themselves, “May I ask who’s calling?” That was pretty much it for rules, because you just didn’t have many options. (When my dad added the brand new call-waiting service in 1978 because he was tired of the line being eternally tied up by two teenage daughters, we added another rule: when someone ‘beeped’ through, you had to get off your call and answer the next one. I think in modern terms we’d say it was a push notification service.

Now? Don’t get me started. The Washington Post and the Cut (part of The New Yorker) both recently published articles on modern phone rules. I thought I’d share some to see what you all thought.

At Home

Don’t leave a voicemail (except for bffs and fam who are always happy to hear your voice.) J: This is the one that exploded all over social media, particularly among those of us of a certain age. 

Text before calling, but no cryptic messages, ie, “We have to talk,” or “Call me now.” If there’s a specific issue you need to discuss, lay it out in the text. J: Not gonna lie, I love this. I love text because I can get back to you when it’s convenient; nowadays, an unexpected phone call feels like an intrusion. (If you’re a friend reading this, I don’t mean you.)

You don’t need to answer the phone when it rings! J: Which kind of brings up back to the answering machine days?

It’s ok to email, text or dm anyone at any hour. It’s on the recipient to manage their notifications.  J: I turn my phone off when I go to sleep, and set it on DND when I’m working.

In Public

Shine your phone flashlight discreetly in restaurants. J: I 100% agree with this. But also, restaurants, how about giving us enough light to read the damn menu? And can you turn down the music? And get off my lawn?

If you have to talk (or check something) excuse yourself from the table. Don’t start scrolling while at the table.  J: Also agree 100%.

No speakerphone convos in public. And for those of us who can only make it for about three months before losing airpod-like headphones, rejoice: plug in earbuds are back in style! J: I would also add, keep your voice down on your end while in public - unlike me. I was traveling recently, and at the airport, Youngest pointed out I used the same volume talking on my phone as I did when I was alone in my house. Ooops.

Face up and away from your phone while crossing the street. J: I’d add “And while walking in the city.” If you need entertainment from 5th Avenue to east 50th, play a podcast. With those attached earbuds! 

Friends and Family

Juicy gossip? Spilling the tea about a work incident? Always call, never text. J: This advice is approved by lawyers as well as etiquette experts.

Don’t share texts without permission. J: No screenshots, either!

Don’t text-bomb your friends! Group chats are the place for rapid-fire texting. 

Emergency? Let them know right away, don’t keep calling and texting hoping to break through. J: This feels like the one most likely to come from those of us who grew up even before answering machines, when the only way to connect was to ring and ring and ring. I remember being halfway across New York state, coming home from an audition to get into SUNY Purchase (no, I didn’t get an offer) and discovering I had lost my bus ticket. Trying to call and call from the bus station pay phone… shivers just remembering! I’ll take the modern mobile network anyday…

How about you, Reds? Anything here ring a bell?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I saw that article! SO fascinating. I can tell you, working at Channel 7, the “youngsters” absolutely would not make phone calls. Communication was via text, and email if absolutely necessary.

I’d say–just CALL the person! Call them!

That rant over, let me say I adore texting, it’s fast and semi-efficient.

Phone calls are SO efficient, especially when you make a plan via text to talk. 

But I will admit I don’t wanna answer the phone if I don’t want to. So don’t call, and then if I don’t answer, text and email to FORCE me to respond.

Hmm..”it’s on the recipient to manage their notifications.” Hmm. Sometimes I write the email on Saturday, and set it to send on Monday during working hours.

 Do we ALWAYS have to be available? NO. Do we have to assume that everyone else is always available? No.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the new methods of communication have retrained people to expect an immediate response.  It’s sender-centered, not receiver-centered. That’s why good ol’ answering machines were so convenient. 

RHYS BOWEN:  The new phone etiquette or lack thereof drives me crazy. If I’m talking to you I don’t expect you to pull out your phone, stare at the message and decide whether it’s more important than me at this moment . I do text a lot and like the convenience of texts but I agree with Hank that the younger generation never actually speaks. They text in abbreviated slivers, never a whole grammatical sentence. They must completely lack social skills. When I was growing up we were educated in the art of conversation!

Texts any time of the day or night? Not if I have a notification that pings! I get so many texts from political candidates it makes me decide never to donate again!

As for those who answer their phones on public transport and talk loudly, I call that justifiable homicide.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: When I was a kid our phone was a business line (my parents ran their business from home,) so you bet you had to answer properly, even in off hours. After many teenage-year fights, my parents gave in and got me a separate line. Remember those??

I put my phone on DND at night. Spam calls come in at all hours!, but even so, I don’t think people should text you in the middle of night. Email is fine, though. I have voice to text on my phone so almost never actually listen to voicemail, oops.

And can I just say that smart watches are now just as bad as smart phones for distracting people’s attention from real live conversations?

 

 

 

 

JULIA: How about you, dear readers? What do you think about the new rules for telephoning? 

From English to Emoji.

RHYS BOWEN: Did you overlook an important public holiday this week? It was national Emoji day! I mentioned it on my Facebook page and so many readers came forward to tell me which emojis they love using. Do you use emojis? I really don’t apart from adding a heart to the end of a note to granddaughters. Other than that would feel weird and self-conscious.

I’m not even very good at texting. When people text me they get a coherent sentence in reply. Some long words. How can I reply to my publicist THX CU AM.  But my grandkids generation communicate with each other like this all the time. So I’m wondering: have we come to the end of language as we knew it. Let’s think about it.

We started with grunts and gestures which progressed to words. To sentences: meat good. Go kill more.

Then writing was born from keeping tally of goods in early Babylon. Cuniform. And the Egyptian hieroglyphics. Duck duck maiden sun god meant “Would you like to come to tea on Friday?”

Well, I think we’ve just gone back to that with emojis. Sad face sun trees means “I’m sorry but I can’t join you for the picnic because I’ve got a sunburn.”

With English as the world language it was only a matter of time that it was spelled phonetically any way. Don’t cum thru Ive got a cof.

Where are those lovely long poetic sentences of the Victorian poets. All those impressive words they invented: permambulator  omnibus umbrella

You see the one thing they had that we don’t is time. I’m not talking about those who toiled in factories or trekked Westward. But the educated class had too much time on their hands and no television (another lovely invented word). They were quite content when their books started with twenty pages of description of the roof of the house. They loved sentimental poetry. My great aunt knew by heart endless recitations that she performed with great drama at parties.

Words for them were to be savored, enjoyed, made the most of because they had to fill time.

Now we are always in a rush. Half an hour for lunch? Can’t leave the office.

Can U pu fish for dinr? And add the smiley face to show you are not mad/stressed etc.

Do you use emojis frequently? Do you text? Do you still try to write coherent English?

Cn U TXT Me Now?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  So I'm at my computer, in my study, happily writing away. My timer is set for 30 minutes. I am doing it! Yay! And then, from the dining room, PING! Someone has sent me a text.

I ignore it.

PING! The thing pings again, of course, because I didn't instantly answer it.

So, I'm thinking about texting. Yeah, its great for "I can't find you!" or "I am in the third row by the exit door. See me waving?"   Or "I'm late! Sorry!"  Or  "No onions, okay?" All good.

But the demanding tone of that ping drives me crazy. ANSWER ME NOW, it insists. And then we know the people on the other end are standing there, waiting for you to answer them because they want to talk to you, but if you can't talk to them right then--for very good reasons, whatever they are--then people are concerned, or upset, or annoyed. The other day in Florida, someone said to me--"I texted you! And you didn't answer. Are you okay?"

Am I okay? Yeah, I am okay, but I didn't want to answer right then. Because I was in the shower, and I missed it, and then I didn't instantly check for shower-time texts. I don't mean to sound cranky--do I sound cranky? I am truly not cranky. I am just wondering about the tyranny of texting.

Maybe I simply have to get used to it. Like the phone. I can EASILY easily ignore the phone. Maybe I have to learn to ignore texts. And texts have built-in messaging, right? Because when you text, you automatically leave a message!

So, yeah, brilliant. That's the answer. Think of a text as "leaving a message." And that the textee will get back to you asap. Really they will.

Reds, do you text? What do you think about it? Answer me NOW!

RHYS BOWEN: My granddaughter aged thirteen is the only one in her class who is not allowed her own phone. Recently her friend said to her "You are so lucky not to have a phone. You don't have to put up with all the drama. If someone texts me and I don't answer right away she gets so miffed."

I find texts really useful for updates, finding each other, as Hank said, but I rarely get or receive texts apart from that. And since I leave my cell phone in my purse when I'm home, a text can be three hours old and unanswered.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: The Tyranny of the Text--I love it! But not the text itself. I switched off the push email on my phone because the constant pinging drove me bonkers. It only takes a few seconds to check email if you think there might be something important. But you can't just switch off texts, because that's the whole point, right? It might be something important. But half the time when I'm out and about I don't hear them, so I tell my family if it's really important, CALL ME. And I hate auto correct, so texting is sometimes useful but not fun. When I'm writing I put the phone in the other room...

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING:  I used to put the phone on silent

when I worked, but then I would worry I was missing something important. So I downloaded tunes and gave each family member their own ring tone - easy to tell if it was The Boy needing a ride back from practice or something I could ignore for the time being. Of course now, my kids all text me, and I haven't figured out how to give them their own text tones. Is it even possible? Anyway, I agree with you, Hank. Texting is like leaving a message, as is voice mail: the person calling or texting can expect a response when it's convenient for me.

It sounds selfish, but I'm not going to text when I'm driving, or writing, or making dinner, or spending time with my husband. And I'm not going to return a call when I'm tired or distracted or when my head is stuffed with All The Things I Have To Do. I'm getting to the point where I'd much rather Skype than call, anyway. Am I the only person whose hand and arm gets cramped when talking for a long time on a cell phone? Did you ever think you would miss those clunky phone receivers, the kind you can tuck against your shoulder? Am I actually 88 years old? (Probably.)

SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: I have my phone's ringer off most of the time, but check it during regular intervals — really only for texts from the Kiddo. (Although texts range from "Went to the nurse because of asthma" to "Bored right now." Hubby and I text during the day to check in and also coordinate who's doing what after school and the dinner plans (who's cooking what, who's picking up what). My agent texts sometimes, because she knows I get things/do things faster with a text than a phone message. Basically, no one I know talks on the phone -- it's all texting and emailing now. Oh, except for Skype -- yes, Julia, Skype is great! I'm in Kansas City, MO on tour right now and Skype is a great way to keep in touch with the family! I love it when the cats will walk over the keyboard....

HALLIE EPHRON: I'm like Pavlov's dog when that text bell chimes... salivating for some exciting tidbit. The only people who text me are my kids and it's usually with a grandkid picture. But how did we ever travel without it? Three nights ago I flew into Newark and my sweet son-in-law was picking me up and we found each other by texting (I was at departures passenger pickup and he was at arrivals passenger dropoff.)

Also great for when you're meeting someone and one of you is running late... though am I the only one who thinks the ability to text makes it 'ok-er' to be late?

HANK: Oh, SO true! As if typing out  "traffic :-( " or "runninglate" makes it okay.  I guess it's the good news and the bad news. Because at least you know, and can stop worrying.

 I got a text the other night, when I was almost asleep.  I answered because it pinged, for gosh sake, and I adore her. Then she texted back: Wht R U doing awake?

:-)

How about you, reds and readers? Are you text-happy? Or R U NAF?  (Not a fan...)

On beyond selfies, hangin' out in Facetime

HALLIE EPHRON: Remember the hours and hours we used to spend on the phone with our dearest friends? No longer. Technology has made the telephone obsolete.

One of my dearest friends and a frequent commenter on this blog is Patricia Kennedy. Like me, she's no technophobe, but we've been astonished by the rapid change in how our kids and grandkids will (or won't) communicate with us.

Phone: NO. Email: Used to be YES, now NO. Text messaging: Most definitely.

Pat and I agree: The pace of change has been, well, deafening.

PATRICIA KENNEDY: Unlike some in my age group, I love the challenge of new technology.  To be honest, I like to show off my mojo because I think it puts me into a younger and hipper class than my chronological years suggest.  Besides it allows all sorts of new ways to talk and chat.  And, as everyone who knows me will gleefully accept, my childhood nickname “Chatty Patty” is well-deserved.

HALLIE: But as fast as you and I have run to keep up with technology, it seems to be one step ahead of us.

PAT: So true. Recently I stayed with three ‘tween grandchildren for five days.  I was dismayed to find that my embrace of new communication-technology is now totally obsolete.  

No one under the age of twenty emails anymore!  I already knew – and lamented – that our youngsters are unable (or unwilling) to use a telephone for voice-to-voice communication.  That staple of teenage angst – hours on the telephone with a best friend – has vanished. The grandchildren – and their friends – seem to be totally terrified of being “on the phone.” Now it’s all staccato bursts in abbreviated, rapid texts.

What totally intrigues me is the FaceTime phenomenon. You don’t go over to a best friend’s house, or meet up at the playground, or hang out on the corner. You talk to each other on screens. 

I find that kind of weird talking to a grainy, distorted image, but the kids don’t.  It’s “normal” as thirteen-year-old Finn says. (“Normal,” his favorite adjective, describes everything he accepts into his world including food and people as well as technology.)

I listened to Reilly one afternoon as he did his homework with his friend VuPhong via FaceTime. They are both ten years old and love solving tough math problems together.  It was hard to avoid eavesdropping as Reilly wandered around the kitchen with his iPad Mini.

One conversation went like this:
 
Reilly:  “Look at page 2, the second question.”
VuPhong:  “It’s kind of fuzzy.  I can’t read it on the screen.”
Reilly:  “just look at your real paper…don’t try to read it on your Mini.”

And…

Reilly:  “Show me your house. I always wondered what it looks like.”
VuPhong:  “I’m not supposed to take friends into my mother’s bedroom so we can’t go there.”

I’m not going to start chatting with my friends via FaceTime. For one thing, my screened-face looks even more dragged down at the corners than it does in real life.  And, I’m certainly not taking people on a tour of my bedroom anytime soon.  But if Reilly wants to chat that’s probably another story.

HALLIE: Yes, that camera angle, shooting up from under the chin. Deadly.

I pretty much only call my daughters except when I want a good long talk. And often their end of the conversation begins, "Is everything all right?" And we use Facetime to watch our grandbaby -- though she has yet to show much interest in watching us.

So Reds, are you getting with the program and texting? Skyping or Facetiming? Or are you dialing and dragging your younger relatives back into the technologically stodgy past?