Hank says it's: What We're WHINING Week. BUT! Prizes and surprises!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Lots of fun stuff in today's blog – – including some prizes and loot for you! But first:

A tiny bit of whining.

What's that noise you're hearing in the background? That is the wail of the poor pantser–author, approaching 110,000 words in a manuscript, and realizing that the big dénouement had better appear pretty darn fast, not to mention the climax and coda, and having no idea what it is.

I’m telling you, Reds and Readers, I have no idea. I have asked myself: what does the main character need beyond all need? What would she REALLY do now? What does the bad guy need to have happen? (Who is the bad guy, anyway?) What will the final big conflict be? And how will the main character get out of it? What will she learn? What do I want to leave the reader feeling at the end of the book? What is the last frame of video in the story?

Ha ha ha. Whatever. I have no idea. I am wallowing in the slough of despond–it’s the scourge of the pantser, staring at my page and waiting for inspiration. Last night, seriously, I had the best idea. The. Best. Idea. I woke up in the morning, all excited, so relieved that I had figured it out, and I am telling you, it was the worst idea that anyone has ever had in the entire history of the planet. And we will leave it at that. I have two more weeks to finish this, and then a month for revisions. So that should be fine, right? Right?

All I need is ONE idea. Seriously.

In other news, there is a lot of fun stuff brewing. And as I said, above, here’s a drawing for you, a bargain for you, and an offer to get something in your actual snail mail box !

Do you enter Goodreads giveaways? If you do, you know how wonderful they are. Some fabulous publishers—including mine—give away dozens of free books in brief, but fabulous drawings. And this year, Forge Books is giving away 50—yes 50!—hard covers of The House Guest!

Just click here to enter!



ALSO! HER PERFECT LIFE is now-–briefly!--just $1.99 on all platforms that sell e-books! 

(It's reassuring to see this, you know? Because I DO remember at one point I had no idea how that would end either, and it turned out fine. More than fine. So…onward ) ANYWAY! But if you missed HER PERFECT LIFE, snag it now!

Just click here. 

And remember, you can give an ebook as a gift, and isn’t that a great idea? They'll never know you got it on sale!

And now, back to staring at my manuscript.

Still, wait. Might as well write SOMETHING! So I know it’s silly and sentimental, but I absolutely love to get holiday cards in the mail. Even the glittery ones, where the glitter falls onto the carpet and takes forever to clean up. I love seeing the family photos, and the family newsletters, and having a moment with each card to be grateful for a friendship.

I love to send them, too. I think of each recipient as I address and sign them, and it's so much fun to take them to the post office and imagine their journeys. So, would you like a holiday card from me? If you do, I am making it easy this year. Just click to this easy form, fill it out, and the holiday elves will get me all the information. And your card will be on the way. 

And oooh, the reviews and blurbs are coming in for THE HOUSE GUEST! Here's a VERY nice one!

And now, back to staring at my manuscript. It’ll happen, I KNOW it will. Any words of encouragement for me? And how about holiday cards? Is that what you’re writing these days?

The First Day of The First to Lie!

DEBORAH CROMBIE:  How lucky am I to be hosting our dear Hank and Rhys with their book launches this week?? And I can tell you, THE FIRST TO LIE is a terrific book! But watch out--it may give you whiplash, trying to decide what's true and what's not, and you will love it right up to the very last page! 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  Launch day jitters! Yes, dear Reds and readers, we are in the full throes of them around here. (And at Rhys’ house, too! And she will tell us all about that tomorrow!)

Yes, I know, THE FIRST TO LIE has gotten amazing astonishing buzz and fabulous reviews--it’s PopSugar’s number one pick for August, and CrimeReads picked it, too, and Publishers Weekly starred review calls it “stellar.“ Booklist says “page turning twists and mind-bending drama.” So that’s excellent. And reassuring. 

Oh, and this just in as I am typing: It’s a Publishers Weekly top pick of the week!  And more about the book below.

I have a full calendar of events – – including two appearances on Canadian television and A Mighty Blaze and BookTrib live interviews  (whoa!) and visits to so many wonderful bookstores! Here are the events—please find one that you love!

Tonight is the big launch at my local dear Brookline Booksmith, and it is quite a wave of nostalgia. For the past eight years, I have had an exciting overwhelming joyful celebration at the Booksmith, friends and family and readers and a wall-to-wall filled to the rafters room. It is hard even to imagine that now.

But I am trying to look at the bright side. Any other launch day, I would be full of worry, because it is supposed to rain like crazy here in Boston, and that would keep people away from the event. No problem with that now, right?

And people who can’t get a babysitter--well, they don’t need one!

And no one has to put on shoes. So all good, right?

So here, by the numbers, is The First to Lie.

1. The first line: “Lies have a complicated half-life.”

2.  The first two main characters: Ellie Berensen— A determined reporter on the trail of an expose of a pharmaceutical company. And Nora Quinn, a determined pharmaceutical sales person. Who may not be quite what she seems.  

3.  Three? This is my third psychological standalone!

4. There’s a fun thing on social media where you have to describe your book in four words. So THE FIRST TO LIE is: Betrayal. Motherhood. Obsession. Revenge.

5. Another fun thing is to reveal your book’s five crucial elements. For THE FIRST TO LIE  it’s:

1. A devastating childhood betrayal

2. An undercover reporter, in too deep

3. A beautiful sailboat on the Chesapeake Bay

4. A rich and powerful family

5. An ice pick that is not used for ice

What it all adds up to:  THE FIRST TO LIE is two strong women, facing off in a high stakes psychological cat and mouse game to get revenge for a terrible childhood betrayal. But which one is the cat, and which one is the mouse? And for one to succeed, the other must fail.

The idea for THE FIRST TO LIE  came after all of my experiences as an undercover reporter. I thought:  what if someone decided that being their undercover persona was more desirable than being who they really were? What if being someone else could get you what you want?

So, my darling Reds and Readers--here we go! Thank you thank you for buying this book, and for your reviews. Posting  them is so crucial for the book’s success. 

I am endlessly grateful for any help you can give--but you know that. Speaking of which: here’s a link.  

Oh, I know you will buy it, so I have one advance review copy for one lucky commenter! Just tell me--something GOOD in your life that was a first!

Love you all so much. Wish me luck! 

It's time for Facebook Round Up!

Jenn McKinlay: Recently, I listed all of the Jungle Red Writers's newsletters. Because there are so many ways to follow authors now, I figured it's time to post all of our Facebook pages because while we share a lot of stories and info here on the blog, we all have publishers doing giveaways and promoting our books through our social media pages, so if you're interested, this is the short guide to following all of us!

Facebook: Jungle Red Writers

The official FB page of the Reds! Follow to keep up with our posts and events!

Facebook: Julia Spencer-Fleming
Get the latest updates on Julia's 

Clare Fergusson and Russ Van Alstyne Mysteries as HID FROM OUR EYES arrives 4/7/20, as well as the happenings of the Maine Millennial, Sailor, and Youngest!

Facebook: Lucy Burdette
Check this page out to find out what is happening in Lucy's Key West Food Critic Mysteries! A DEADLY FEAST was just released on 5/7/19, as well as, updates on TBone, Lucy's adorable rescue cat, and ride along on her globe trotting adventures!

Facebook: Hallie Ephron
Suspenseful happenings are to be found here as Hallie's CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR drops 8/6/19! Also, Hallie's page is chock full of writers' conference info and the occasional recipe! It's the first place she posts when her publisher down-prices her back list.

Facebook: Rhys Bowen
Historicals abound on this page with wit and adventure. Don't miss updates on Rhys's stand alone novels, as well as, Molly Murphy and Her Royal Spyness series! LOVE AND DEATH AMONG THE CHEETAHS hits the shelves 8/6/19!

Facebook: Hank Phillippi Ryan
Strap in! So much happens on this page! Psychological suspense author and award winning investigative reporter, Hank's got THE MURDER LIST releasing 8/20/19! Don't miss the sneak peeks!

Facebook: Deborah Crombie
How much do you love Gemma Jameson and Duncan Kincaid? Follow our part-time Notting Hill resident, Deborah, as her next British police procedural A BITTER FEAST is set to arrive on 10/8/19!

Facebook: Jenn McKinlay
The genre bender. Cozy mystery, romance, or women's fiction. It all happens on Jenn's page along with Wednesday Giveaways as WORD TO THE WISE, a library lover's mystery, debuts on 9/3/19!

Okay, Readers, who is on Facebook? Post your info here if you want some follows! If you are an FB user, what do you look for on author pages? If you're not an FB user, what would get you interested?

Let's Play...Never Have I Ever

JENN McKINLAY: All right, I’ve been a Red for a little over two years now, and while I know quite a bit about my fellow Reds there are some holes in my information, so let’s lean in and do a deep dive. Yes? It won’t hurt. I promise. Take a look at the list and tell us which “Never Have I Evers” you haven’t done. I’ll go first.

The List: 1 Point for Each (lowest score wins)

I am lucky number seven! No to helicopters (maybe someday if the opportunity arises), being arrested (shocker, I know), bungee jumping (no thank you), falling asleep in the movies (not with how much they cost these days!), Disneyland (yes, I know, it's an oversight), skydiving (only if the plane decides to fall from the sky), and no tattoos. Most people are surprised that I don’t have a tattoo (I guess I’m the type?), but the truth is I have commitment issues. I could barely commit to the Hub never mind permanent ink! Plus, I have a friend who got a rose tattoo when she was young and as the years have rolled along and gravity has kicked in, it’s become a long stemmed rose. Placement is everything! 

All right, Reds, you’re up!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oooh. No missed a flight (I HATE saying that out loud), no arrests or piercings or tattoos, no births or handcuffs, no peeing (what does "in public" mean? Like, at a baseball game in a portapotty?), red light or bungee jumping. Well, maybe the red light, but not on purpose. It was yellow, it truly was.  NO skydiving, forget about it.. Does that make me a 10?  


HALLIE EPHRON: I’m an eleven… guessing that’s not a winner. I have never been pierced (not even my ears) or (surprise surprise) been bungee jumping or skydiving. Tattoos: I inadvertently gave myself one pricking my arm with the nib of a pen that had been dipped in India ink. I'm not counting it. I've missed connecting flights. Never arrested or rode in an ambulance. Peed in public? Does on the side of a hiking trail count? 

And weird coincidence: right now I'm reading Joshilyn Jackson's NEVER HAVE I EVER. It's riveting.

LUCY BURDETTE: See that's what really holds me back on tattoos...the drooping and the mind-changing. That puts me at six, including the dreaded peeing in public. You don't need to know all of the details, but it involved a terrible traffic jam on a bridge, too much coffee, and a coffee cup. Looking back, it was kind of amazing that I pulled it off. (TMI? Jenn did ask...)

I think I've told you I ran a red light on my bike, and that's been worked into the opening scene of the next book, THE KEY LIME CRIME. There was another before that (or was it a stop sign?) that resulted in the accident. Very scary--hope never to repeat that!

RHYS BOWEN: It's nine for me. I can see that mostly I've been a good child: no tattoo, no red light, no handcuffs, no arrests and never skipped school. I did go riding instead of studying for my big religious studies final (and managed to pass by one point). But I have narrowly escaped death, been in an accident and broken bones, and certainly peed it public if being halfway up a mountain with no cover of any sort counts (especially when I was squatting when the mountain train came by and forty pairs of eyes looked down at me!)

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Body piercing - does that include ears? I got mine double pierced back in the eighties, though I've let the second set of piercings grow in. I've never sky dived - as the daughter and wife of Air Force vets, I know the smart move is to stay on the inside of the plane. Never bungee jumped, either, as I'm pretty sure my stomach wouldn't stand for it. I've never fallen asleep in the cinema - that was Ross's thing. He loved his $11 naps. And I've never been in handcuffs. So I'm five? Four, if ears = body piercing. 

I have been arrested, I have a tattoo, I've peed in public and I've ran quite a few red lights in my day. I also missed TWO flights from London to the States AT Christmastime ON two consecutive days. Ladies, I think I may be the bad girl of the Jungle Reds. 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I'm a seven. Ears pierced when I was fourteen, with a needle. Never regretted it. Broke my collar bone at two, falling off a chair. (Uncoordinated, anyone?) Broke my pelvis at fourteen, when hit by a car. (That brings in the near death thing.)

No bungee jumping, no helicopters, no skydiving. (Seeing a theme here?) No Disneyland (deprived child, parent of deprived child.) No cruises. No handcuffs. I'm still conflicted on the tattoo. I look at images of British-themed postage stamps, and try to image where I could put it that wouldn't stretch... Peeing in public? Too many side of the road episodes in Mexico as a kid. And on one traffic jam on the M4 in the UK, if I had had any sort of bottle or cup, I'd have used it. I've refused to drive on a UK motorway ever since.

Okay, Readers, your turn. What is your number of Never Have I Evers?

The House Next Door

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: So listen to this. We have lived in the same house near Boston for the past twenty-something years. We love it, it's peaceful, and in a little town with a town center, and green and wonderful. And it has ducks. So. Our next door neighbor on one side is a dear pal. And on the other side is a perfectly nice couple we see walking their some kind of dog.

But next door to that is a big big house with kind of mysterious inhabitants. In that there seemed to be lots of them,  with too many cars and too much clutter in their back yard.  We never approved.

Anyway. the other day woman who looked like me with a cute dog showed up at the front door. (Her name turned to to be Meg, and her terrier Bowie, and she's lovely. A new pal.)

Anyway. She said: I need to tell you there's a new neighbor in the big house! And he wants to cut all our trees that have branches that hang over his yard!

Here is our back yard, the view from Meg's house.

The tree he wants to cut is a 200 year old sugar maple. Here's a closer shot, and we think it's about 60 feet tall. 

But look at the photo below.  See the branches to the left of the lines? We think... he wants to cut them all. (We have called our own arborist, the one who has taken care of our trees for years, and he is coming tomorrow to trim as much as we can. Crossing fingers.)

A situation is about to ensue. But I really hope not.

Can you believe it? Don't get me started. I will be so so incredibly sad if that fabulous and historic tree gets chopped up. I love it, every day. In winter, in spring, in summer and the fabulous fall. It it a hobbit tree, I know, and has birds and squirrels and everything.  We LOVE the tree. It is an ancestor.  It was here..in the civil war. Oh. I cannot bear it.  We are trying to make this work. I hope we can compromise.

So do you know your neighbors? Did you when you were a kid? How neighborly are you?

RHYS BOWEN: We have lived on the same street since 1980. There are still some original neighbors and the new ones are friendly. We have a Halloween party every year ( with plenty of alcohol flowing after kiddies are in bed) and summer street parties, we are very friendly with our next door neighbor. Only one horribly creepy family nearby. 

We knew everyone when we had a condo in Arizona, and we've met the neighbors at our new house . They are sweet people. I'm a naturally chatty person so I speak to everyone!

HALLIE EPHRON: We do know our neighbors and are SO LUCKY with them. On one side, a State cop (he parks the cruiser in our shared driveway... better than a burglar alarm!) and his lovely wife (a teacher) with two grown kids we've known since they were babies. When enormous maple tree in our backyards precisely on our property line needs pruning, we share the cost. 

On the other side a couple just moved in with a new baby. They wanted to take out the hedge between their driveway and our front yard and replace it with a fence. We said GO TO IT! (one less hedge to trim) We also know our neighbors across the street and up the adjacent dead end where our grandkids race their scooters. 

I LOVE my neighbors! But it hasn't always been so (cue scary music)... 

LUCY BURDETTE: let me put it this way, I want to love my neighbors. When we were growing up​,​ we lived in ​a​ neighborhood te​e​ming with children and friendly people. There were block parties and bridge parties and kids roaming everywhere and nobody worried. 

In fact, stranger than fiction, our next-door neighbor Mary Jane  married my dad when he was widowed many years later. It was wonderful to have a stepmother who knew us as children!

We live in two places​. I​n Key West things are always changing. People get older and can’t stay there, transient tourist​s​ move in and out and so on. (People have actually died--I hate that!) But we do have a nice group of people in our condo whom we visit with and could call in an emergency. In Connecticut, well, how shall I say this? Some of the neighbors we know well and love. With others, situations​ have already​ ensued. It’s a small neighborhood and we are hoping for the best when we go back this summer. Fingers crossed, okay?

JENN McKINLAY: We adore our neighbors! In fact, we just had dinner at one of their houses last week, along with our other neighbors, and it lasted about seven hours because we all genuinely like each other. Our neighborhood is old, the houses small, but it's full of kids and families, and we live on a street with a school at the end so there's plenty of activity but in a good way. 

When the hooligans were young, I had no problem them tossing them out of the house to "go play and see you at dinnertime" because I am a free range mom, who thinks the best part of childhood is the shenanigans. I am happy to report the hooligans got up to plenty. I think the thing I love most about my neighborhood is that I feel safe. Everyone knows each other and we all look out for each other. Hub and I have been contemplating moving as the hooligans leave the nest, but it will be hard to say good-bye to our home of twenty plus years.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: On the plus side, we love our "historic" neighborhood, with its town square, historic houses (some of them), and beautiful trees. And as our daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter live next door on one side, we count ourselves extremely lucky in that neighbor department. It's a very mixed neighborhood age-wise. There are young couples with babies either side of our kids, there are middle-aged people, retired people, and some very elderly folks who have been in their houses for decades. I think our catty-corner neighbors are in their nineties. And our former across-the-street neighbor stayed in her house until she was a hundred. We still miss her.

BUT. There was a huge, heritage, at least a hundred-year-old native elm tree just on our new rear neighbor's side of our shared fence. It was glorious, maybe the biggest tree in the whole town, and we have some serious trees here. It shaded our entire back yard, patio, deck, and the west side of our house from the afternoon sun. I loved that tree in every season for almost twenty-five years.

In February, the neighbors informed us the night before the tree crew started that they were cutting it down. I was hysterical. I mean, literally hysterical, and I'm not normally given to emotional outbursts at all. I begged them not to do it. (We'd always shared the cost of maintenance on the tree with the previous neighbors, who were friends.)

But the tree is gone--it took them four different crews to finish the job, and the crews had to work out of our back yard to get it down. It was a devastating loss.  Now, not only do we have no afternoon shade, we no longer have any privacy in our back yard. We're in the process of seeing if we can put up shade sails to give us a little relief on the deck and patio.

HANK: Oh, Debs.. that is horrific. Ridiculous. Amazing. Breathtaking. And so so so scary. WHY??  
(And bizarre coincidence, I am no reading a terrific book by the amazing Louise Candlish, called THOSE PEOPLE. It's wonderful. And guess what it's about?) 
What about you, Reds and readers? Are you lovin' thy neighbor? Or...not so much?

WHAT WE'RE WRITING WEEK: Julia Reads and Edits

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: As you may recall, last WWW Week, I announced I had (finally) finished and (thankfully) turned in the 9th Clare Fergusson/Russ Van Alstyne novel. Now - the edits. 

I've had very light editing with some books. I remember one where my then-editor - the legendary Ruth Cavin - gave me notes that were literally three paragraphs, each one focused on one strand of my writing. They boiled down to things like, "Cut the fat" and "Pick up the pace" and "Re-write the ending." I always have to re-write the ending, because I finish each book in a surge of unhinged energy not unlike that of a coke-and-caffeine addict on a bender. Have you ever primed a wall for painting? And at the start, you're all neat and careful about your brushwork, but by the end you just want to finish the damn thing and break for dinner, so you slap on the primer any which way? Yeah, like that.

So this book is NOT one of those less-than-one-page editorial letters. Friends, when you compose a book on and off for five years (really, more like three and a bit of actually working) it's ugly. Imagine sewing together a patchwork quilt, except every few months your old box of fabric is taken away and you get a new box with different shaped pieces for a different pattern. And you're sewing in the dark part of the time. 

So the editing process started with me giving my editor notes - a few things I knew I absolutely wanted to change, expand or refine. Then I got notes from my editor. Then I got notes from my agent. Then from a couple other editors. Don't get me wrong - these are all smart people who know good fiction. Everything they suggest or point out is something that will make my book better and stronger. But what it means is that right now, my quilt is lying all over the dining room table, the desk, and the kitchen, seams picked out, fabric in swatches and piles of shaped waiting to be sorted, reassembled, and restitched. 

So I'm not sharing yet another excerpt with you today. (If you have a hankering, just search for HID FROM OUR EYES in the blog search box. I've shared 857 prior excerpts over the past several years - although several of them are already out of the book at this point.)

What I am going to share is what I'm reading right now. I've mentioned before, I restrict my reading when I'm face-down in writing. Since finishing the book, I've been binging on mysteries, thrillers, horror, SF, nonfiction - everything really. So what aremy latest? I'll tell you.




THE MURDER LIST by Hank Phillippi Ryan (August 2019.) I'm not blowing smoke at you - we Reds tend to read each others books, as you might expect, and I got an ARC from Hank. I finally understand what psychological suspense means after reading this book - I was in psychological suspense the whole time. Who do you trust? Who's telling the truth? One of the things I like about stand-alones is that it takes everything off the table - anyone could be a bad guy, or not make it through to the end of the novel. Hank uses this to great effect. Also, shout-out to a protagonist who doesn't do dumb stuff just to advance the plot, which I've seen in other domestic/ psychological/ female-led thrillers.

THE WATER WILL COME by Jeff Goodell. This is my nonfiction read at the moment. I actually gave the book to the Sailor as a Christmas present, then took it back from him when I was visiting/ seeing him off in Norfolk. It's very well-written popular science that has one half of my brain screaming, "We're doomed!" and the other half thinking about what a riveting setting a post-sea-rise world would make for a near-future SF novel. Writers. We're a cold-blooded lot.

THE HUMAN DIVISION by John Scalzi. Speaking of science fiction... I'm re-reading Scalzi's Old Man's War novels (and short stories) and enjoying them just as much as I did the first time. If you're sci-fi-curious (see what I did there?) John Scalzi is my go-to recommendation. His books are accessible, funny, touching and there's always a special pleasure in putting yourself in the hands of an author at the top of his game.


MY BROTHER'S KEEPER by Vaughn C. Hardacker (July 2019.) Vaughn's been short-listed for Maine Literary Awards at least two times I know of, and it shows. He writes in lean, evocative prose that perfectly captures both the hard-eyed cops, PIs and criminals that populate his novels, and the forests, lakes and small New England towns where they circle and struggle against each other. If Raymond Chandler and Paul Doiron had a baby, it would be this book.

Okay, dear readers, your turn. What are you reading, or editing, or quilting?

Misheard Lyrics: Mondegreens!

JENN McKINLAY: I'm married to a musician, which is no surprise because I love music. I love listening, singing, and feeling that visceral punch to the chest from a really great song. Here's the thing, I never get the lyrics right and the poor beleaguered Hub has to listen to me sing, "Summer breeze, makes me feel fine, blowing' through the chasm in my mind..." Which, frankly, I think makes more sense then "blowing through the jasmine in my mind" but whatever. He's ever patient with me.

Recently, I learned that misheard song lyrics, which are unintentional and not at all like Weird Al Yankovic's parody of songs, actually have their own terminology. They are called mondegreens. Somehow this makes me feel that singing the wrong words is a less egregious offense, you know, because it has a name so it's legit.

Little known fact: My nickname when I lived next-door to the AZ state liquor commissioner, Howard Adams, was "Ave Maria". Why? Well, he was a good Irish Catholic boy and I was a sinner, but we spent many a happy hour together where I would imbibe too much and then sing Ave Maria in Latin, which he loved. Those words I never got wrong, most likely do to the fear of eternal damnation. Plus, it was Latin!

So, how about you Reds? Do you get the songs right or wrong? And if you do get them wrong, what's your most dazzling mondegreen? Here's another personal fave, because...donuts!

Crystal Gayle's donut problem.

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: You know why they’re called mondegreens, right? It’s from something like an Irish folk song, about someone who was was slain by somebody-somebody, and they "laid him on the green."  Someone thought it was "and Lady Mondegreen."

Anyway, don’t get me started on song lyrics.  “in the night with the light from a bulb?” “Excuse me while I kiss this guy?”
And what are those impossible lyrics from Rocket Man?  Burning up his face down here alone?  (it's really "Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone" which make no sense at  all.)

JENN: I had no idea where "mondegreen" came from, Hank. Oh, I love that back story. And "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" is a classic! Jimi Hendrix, FTW. 

Jimi!

RHYS BOWEN: One of the most used Mondegreens is what is called in the US Ring Around the Rosie.  In England where it originated, it is Ring a ring of roses. A pocket full of posies. Atishoo. Atishoo. We all fall down. It is a creepy song about the great plague of 1665. The ring of roses is the rash around the body that signifies you have the plague. You carry flowers and herbs in an attempt to ward it off. Atishoo is the sneeze and we all fall down. You die anyway.
But my favorite mondegreen came when I was singing with the local opera chorus. A flamboyant and fun gay guy who sang with me insisted that the song "She's a must to avoid" was really "She's a muscular boy."

LUCY BURDETTE: I'm always singing something and usually with words made up to fit the person or pet in front of me. For example, Tonka's favorite song was "T-t-t-Tonka, beautiful Tonka, you're the only d-d-d-dog that I adore..." But I'm desperately searching for mondegreens and all I can come up with is: "One toe over the line sweet Jesus, one toe over the line..."

HANK: Lucy! I love that!

HALLIE EPHRON: JASMINE of my mind? I always thought it was canyons of my mind. Go figure. And of course I pledged allegiance to the republic for Richard Stans. My granddaughter mangle the lyrics of every song she sings. And sings. Except supercalifragilisticexpialidocious she nails.

DEBS: Hallie, I though it was "canyons" too! "Jasmine?" You have to wonder what they were smoking...

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Hank, I thought it was "burning up his face up here alone" too. I can't think of any mondegreens that you all haven't already mentioned, but, like Lucy, I'm constantly singing songs with new lyrics to my pets, kids, etc. "Oh, Louie, you're so fine, you're a fun dog all the time hey Louie" (clap clap, clap clap) "Hey Louie," (clap clap, clap clap) To the tune of "Hey Mickey," of course. 

I also do it with pop songs on the radio, which drives Youngest absolutely bonkers. There's one out now where the Camila Cabello sings, "Half of my heart is in Havana, na, na na. He took me back to east Atlanta, na, na, na..." and I will go on, "I like to eat a nice banana, na, na, na. While I am wearing my pajama, na, na, na." I usually can't get further than a couple of bars before I start getting threats from my daughter.

JENN: So, you clearly have a strong song parody game, Julia. Love it!

Another Elton John mondegreen classic!

DEBORAH CROMBIE:  I had no idea that misheard song lyrics were called mondegreens! And I love Hank's explanation. But here's the thing. I have a terrible time remembering song lyrics at all, unless I'm prompted by someone singing them. It's a weird brain gap, like not getting algebra. But if Rick starts singing something, for instance, I can immediately fill in the lyrics (and usually correctly) even when he can't remember them. And I can sing along with songs on the radio just fine. Brains are very quirky.

INGRID THOFT: Okay, the most memorable mondegreen isn’t really family friendly, but I’ll let you fill in the blanks.  Famously, in my family, one of my sisters was sure that the lyric from The Motels’ song “Only the Lonely” was “only the lonely g*t l$#d.”  In fact, the lyric is “only the lonely can play.”  Not necessarily that different in meaning, but a bit different when it comes to singing along in the car!  The lyric that I always think should be a mondegreen but isn’t?  “You’re a vegetable” sung in the bridge of Michael Jackson’s fantastic “Wanna Be Startin Something.”  That one always leaves me scratching my head!

JENN: When Hub was reviewing a John Fogerty show, Fogerty embraced the mondegreen and sang "There's a bathroom on the right" as opposed to "bad moon on the rise" and pointed to the right. Hub said it was pretty hilarious! 

How about you, Readers? What's your most common mondegreen? And for all the earworms I've now planted in your head, you're welcome!

Fit Happens!

Jenn McKinlay: It’s been four years since I gave up my day job, which involved playing Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero with the teens and parachute jump and bubble time with the toddlers. Yes, I was a part-time children’s librarian and, boy howdy, did those kids keep me fit.

Now that I’m a full time writer, I have what is essentially a desk job. I am like the “time to make the donuts” guy, but it’s more like “time to make the pages” gal, but I don’t have a mustache or access to copious amounts of pastry. Darn it – on the pastry not the mustache.

I try to write ten pages a day, which is a lot of butt in chair time, especially when I spend seventy-five percent of that time with my fingers perched over the keyboard staring out the window waiting for the words to come. Some days it’s quite a long wait not unlike the back of the line at the DMV but without all the entertaining people watching.

So here I am, getting all the things my friends, who’ve been cubicle moles and desk jockeys for years, warned me about. There is some posterior spread happening, as well as a pooch over the waistband that is actually in the shape of a donut. Why can’t these things be considered attractive? 

My muscle mass since the early years of wrangling hooligans into baths, beds, cars, shopping carriages, swings, and my lap, has diminished considerably into a more spongy substance, which is sad because at my best, when they were both under three, I think I could have bench pressed a car.

A few months ago, I decided that I had to make more of a structured effort to work out. I’ve never belonged to a gym, and that staring out the window thing takes a lot of time, so I didn’t want to give up anymore by having to drive to a place to sweat in public. Why humiliate yourself in front of others, when you can do it at home in front of your pets?

Okay, first up, I got the thingy-- yes, technical name-- that was all the rage developed by some lady on Shark Tank. Seriously, this thing was next to every checkout counter from Walgreens to Ace Hardware, you couldn’t avoid it if you tried. I didn’t try. You’re supposed to stand on it and swivel back and forth like doing the twist only on the plastic thingy-- I know, enough with the technical terms already. Hub watched me tackle this beast and his observation was, as he yelled after me, “I don’t think you’re supposed to be able to leave the room on it.” It now lives under the TV console for future use at a yard sale.

I HATE YOU.

Next, I decided I needed arms like Michelle Obama, because that would totally distract from the flab that was my doopah. Push-ups were the way to go. But I wasn’t going to settle for regular pushups. Heck no! I bought these two swivelly handle dealies – yes, more jargon – to maximize my efforts. Uh huh. The hooligans came home and found me lying face down on the floor between the dealies. I didn’t have enough arm strength left to pick myself up. After they hefted me to my feet, I think they threw them out or hid them. I have not seen the dealies since, but in all honesty I haven’t looked that hard.

I HATE YOU MORE.

Finally, my latest purchase was the ginormous rubber band thing-a-ma-jig. I have since come to the conclusion that whoever invented this thing, hates their fellow man. Not just hates them, but wants to torture them, too. I watched a YouTube tutorial, convinced that this was the item for me. I studied the routine and then put on "Happy" by Pharrell Williams and busted out my moves. Halfway through the song, I felt like I was made of Jell-O. I lost my grip on my rubber band and it thwacked me upside the head. In short, it was not a "happy" workout.

I HATE YOU MOST OF ALL.

So, now I have a treadmill and am attempting the dreaded 4X4 intensity workout (four minutes of hardcore running four times with brisk walking wedged in between intervals). If you don't hear from me...assume it did me in!

How about you, Reds? Do you exercise? And if so, what are your preferred torture devices…er…accoutrements?

HALLIE EPHRON: I used to go to a fitness center and take a class twice a week. Loved it. But the my hip went wonky and I ended up in PT... so now I exercise alone. At home. In front of the TV. Exercise bike. Floor pad. It's all very sad.

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh, I have to say I have aerobic danced until I got shin splints, and I ran until I blew out my knees. I loved stationary bike, but got over it.  I really tried Nordic track, but I am not coordinated enough. And then---I discovered walking. I am in love with walking. I have a wonderful treadmill, and I walk. I get to watch movies, and news, and episodes of Chopped. I walk outside, when the weather is even marginally bearable.  It's fabulous. And with my beloved FitBit, neurotic me gets constant approval.  I get ideas walking, and get to be off my phone, all good.  Who could ask for anything more? 
Well, I guess I could, I have zero upper body strength. It is embarrassing to try to put my suitcase up in the overhead. Any ideas?

LUCY BURDETTE: I consider it a necessary evil--do not want my bones to disintegrate as I get older. When in Key West, I go to a small local gym where my trainer, Leigh, cracks the whip twice a week--mostly weight training and balance. Unlike my hub, I would not do these things without an appointment! In CT, it's a pilates class. And I also choose walking, Hank. Tonka is a good motivater there, and I get a lot of good ideas while putting one paw in front of the other. 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Hank, you need to get some weight resistance training going - slender white women are far more prone to osteoporosis and other bone problems than anyone else. My mother, who's been a size six her entire life, has excellent cardiovascular health but has been struggling with finding a bone density medication that doesn't have nasty side effects. 

As for me, I've NEVER been a fan of exercise-qua-exercise. From my teens to my early thirties, I skied as much as I could every winter, and in my thirties I picked up running (usually while pushing a jogging stroller.) At the gym, I loved lifting weights, and I also enjoyed hiking and cross-country skiing. Unfortunately, my genetic heritage of arthritis caught up to me. By the time I was  fifty, my knees were in bad enough shape that all those sports were closed to me, and now I can't even walk for more than a mile without pain. (My doctor has recommended knee replacement surgery, which I will get just as soon as I'm in a position where I don't have to drive anywhere or do anything for three months.)

So I've switched to swimming at the Y, which I really like, despite the fact that I am a terrible swimmer. I'm like the little old lady driving 35 in a 50mph speed zone. It's embarrassing when I have to share a lane. I've been interested to hear about Lucy's experience with a trainer - there are trainers available at the Y, and I've been considering hiring one for a few sessions to get me back into weight work. I'd like to know how to strengthen the muscles around my bum knees while not, you know, injuring myself.

INGRID THOFT: I love exercise.  I do!  I love working up a good sweat in the weight room or on the stair climber (the thing that looks like a giant rolling staircase.)  I used to spin a lot and do Zumba, but my back issues put the brakes on those activities.  Now I lift and do the stair climber, elliptical, and hills on the treadmill.  I also love to walk outside when possible and hike when the weather improves.  Swimming is great, too, but preferably in the ocean.  Swimming laps bores me to tears.

I work out with a trainer, and I highly recommend it.  Even if you only have a few sessions, a good trainer will design a program so that you get the most out of your time at the gym.  Even though I love to exercise, I don't want to do it all day, and I love having a plan and getting it done.  I second Julia's suggestion about weight bearing exercise for slim, white ladies, and really, all ladies.  There are plenty of exercises that can be done using your own body weight (that's the sort of info a trainer can provide) that contribute to better bone density, which is a huge issue as we age.  Plus, then you can get your suitcase in the overhead yourself!

A friend of mine says that when he exercises it "feels like a sunny day in my head," even if it's pouring rain in Seattle.  I couldn't agree more!

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I'm a walker, too. I've never been good at any sort of program, or exercise equipment. And I've had dogs for most of my adult life so walking is both a pleasure and a necessity. It's also great for generating chunks of scenes and dialogue and working out plot issues! My new insurance includes a free membership to LA Fitness but I really really doubt I will darken their doors. 

Although I have to say I've fallen off the wagon a bit this winter. There's just been one thing or another, and it's been unusually cold here (I know those of you from the Great North are laughing at me, but I'm a weather wimp.) So I really need to start getting out there every day!

(Does the constant lifting of two-year-old count as weight training?)

RHYS BOWEN: Absolutely, Debs. I developed huge muscles lifting grandkids in and out of the back seat of cars in their car seats! I have always been a hiker. I still love to hike with friends--it's therapy as well as exercise. John and I walk every day. I swim most days. I used to be a passionate tennis player, then a disk between my shoulder blades was damaged so no more tennis for me. Sob. My favorite form of exercise involves the ocean--which is hard in Phoenix, and in California where it's too cold. I love snorkeling and boogie boarding.

For the past two months I've been going to physical therapy twice a week for a problem knee/ankle. PT stands for physical torture. It's like a personal trainer, only worse. Three sets of twenty. Now with a band around your ankles. But I have to say it is working brilliantly and my knee is back to normal. My ankle still suffering from the torn ligament between the two. So standing on one foot and raising and lowering myself is still not fun.


I really believe that physical exercise clears the brain and lets me work better. 

JENN: I agree, Rhys, it does clear the head. I am very active. I'm just not very structured about it. I think you and Ingrid are onto something with the trainer!

What about you, Readers? What's your exercise jam?