Did You Ever Want to Be a Rock Star?

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh let me first assure you this is never going to happen--I have a minimal amount of musical talent and I'm really quite a homebody and I can't stay up past ten PM. As for drinking and drugs, one glass of wine generally does me in. However, there's a little part of me that yearns to be a rock star. And that part was awakened this past year by two movies that I loved, A STAR IS BORN and BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY. Watch this clip of Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper singing Shallow, and tell me you don't want to be Gaga...



And then along came Queen and Bohemian Rhapsody. Did you watch that one? I was a fan of Queen's music but I didn't even realize it. Wasn't the rise of Freddie Mercury amazing? (Of course, his fall was equally spectacular and tragic.)




And years before those came out I was obsessed with the movie ALMOST FAMOUS:




I think it's the yearning of these characters to be successful and happy and famous, and the adulation of those enormous crowds set in what's ultimately a terribly destructive environment that feels thrilling. I know it wouldn't be thrilling in reality, and I promise I won't run off. Even if Brad comes calling...

But how about you? Any secret rock star yearnings? Or favorite movies about rock stars and singers?

Twerk? On dirtier dancing...

Got to know how to pony
Like Bony Maronie
Mash potato, do the alligator
Put your hand on your hips,
Let your backbone slip
Do the Watusi
Like my little Lucy
Came up in this party time to twerk
Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk...

HALLIE EPHRON: Unless you're living under a rock, by now you've heard about Miley Cyrus's provocative performance, "twerkin" it out in her skivvies on TV at MTV Video Music Awards. By comparison Lady Gaga was tasteful, peering at the audience through an egg-shape cutout in a white square of oaktag, wearing a white nun's habit (festooned with strands of tasteful pearls) and stripping to a black spangled body suit. 

I only know this after the fact, and you know only a cultural seismic anomaly could get me out on the Internet looking for a YouTube video of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke. He's the one with the stripes; she's the one with the tongue.

Apparently the fitness folks are already on it: the Twerk Out. (Sounds like something for the Zumba Madam to take note of.)

Back in the day, I thought I was pretty provocative bumping and grinding (aka dancing) the Watusi and the Jerk. This is, order of magnitude, how shall I put it... dirtier dancing.

How about you? Are you shocked? Amused? Oblivious? Is this just same old same old? And 'fess up: have you had your moments of abandon on the dance floor?

ROSEMARY HARRIS: Anyone remember the Lambada - the dance of love?! I do..;-)

People have been bumping and grinding to music since we came out of the trees. They didn't call it "twerking" which I understand is a term that's been around since 2000, not just since last Sunday. I was o/o/t for the infamous performance but confess that I Googled it just to see what all the fuss was about.

Good grief..the girl has lost her mind. The hair alone should have been a tip-off.

If I were Robin Thicke I'd have been pissed. I love that song. "You're a good girl..." Hello...IRONY.


LUCY BURDETTE: You won't be surprised to discover that this is the first I've heard of Miley Cyrus. My reaction? I don't think it's a critical success to have your bum compared to Lady Gaga all over YouTube.:)

But really, what was more fun and sexier than the Twist?

ROSEMARY: Penelope Cruz, standing still in a red dress (or a schmatta for that matter) is sexier than that lunatic was.

HALLIE: And, I might add, sexier than me doing the Twist.

RHYS BOWEN: To me it was very sad. It was someone desperately clinging to some limelight, no longer Hannah Montana. I thought it was pathetic and disgusting. Unfortunately there is such a driving force these days for young girls to be sexy. My daughters have a hard time finding clothes that don't have messages like Hot Babe all over them. And then they wonder that girls wind up pregnant at 15!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh, it was pitiful. Pitiful! I wanted to watch, but Jonathan voted for Silk, and won.

But I agree with Ro, I looked for it on YouTube. I mean--so disturbingly sad. I read an article saying it was powerful, somehow, that she was proving women could do anything. I suppose--but if you can, you don't HAVE to. You should see what the interns in my office wear. Are we fuddy-duddies? Even using that word proves I am, I guess.

Is there any way a child star can grow up without being destroyed? And too bad for InSync,whose reunion (do we care?) was completely upstaged.

(Sadly, maybe, I just had to answer a questionnaire about what was on my ipod playlist. Um..nothing, really. What an uncool answer.)

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I, of course, knew all about Miley Cyrus because my youngest girl was a HUGE Hannah Montana fan. Seeing her "performance" was... is there a word that means deeply embarrassed for someone who doesn't know enough to be embarrassed for herself?

It also made me deeply grateful there was no internet around when I was young. I would have hated to have my own flailing, awkward attempts to "prove" I was a grown-up preserved for all time in a meme like Miley Cyrus Twerks on Famous Paintings.  If I were Miley's mother (and I am grateful I'm not) I would try to get her out of showbiz for a few years. Let her go to college and work out her issues at house parties and under-twenty-one clubs, where her worst exposure might be some pictures on Facebook. Plus, she might eventually learn enough to understand she has more to offer the world than her body.

As for abandon on the dance floor - when I was Miley's age, I was slamdancing and pogoing to the Ramones. No wonder my knees are shot now.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I couldn't quite make myself sit through all six-some-odd minutes of this video--and no, I didn't see it in real time--I was watching SILK. My first thought--what was Robin Thicke, who is a really talented musician--thinking???  The second thought was EEWEUW! (Is that the correct way to spell the expression of horrified disgust?) Now, I know that these things are cyclical--remember the furor over Elvis the Pelvis? Or over the Beatles shaking their mop-tops?

And I've actually been able to give the Bieber a little leeway over the crotch-grabbing in his performances because he actually can sing and dance.  But Miley? She should just disappear from the planet for about ten years. How old do you have to be to learn that less is more? Just look at the tango. What could be sexier than that? Definitely NOT Miley Cyrus.

And Julia, OMG, I hadn't seen the Scream meem.  Maybe Miley should disappear from the planet for about twenty years...


HALLIE:  I asked a 30-something friend about Miley and here's what she said: "I just thought she looked dumb. Silly. You felt bad for her, like the girl who drinks too much at the party and someone should take her home and put her to bed."

All I can say is Walt Disney must be spinning in his grave. Miley was, after all, Hannah Montana once upon a time. Where's Annette Funicello when you need her? On Walt's advice, she eschewed a bikini on Bikini Beach.

Next time, Miley should ask herself: What Would Annette do?

News of the Week

Sandi is the winner of the complete set of E.J. Copperman's Haunted Guesthouse series! Sandi, please contact E.J. with your info.

Banana Joe. Dog, or Ewok? You be the judge.

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING:  We don't tend to comment on current events much here (unless they're related to Downton Abbey!) but after a week like this last, how can we resist? Last Saturday, those of us on the East Coast were buried under The Snowstorm Of The Century (TM). In the seven days since then:

1. The President gave the State of the Union address
2. Benedict announced he would be the first pope in 600 years to resign
3. An Affenpinscher was named Best in Show at Westminster
4. North Korea exploded something nuclear
5. "Blade Runner"/Olympian Oscar Pistorius was arrested for murder
6. Lady Gaga cancelled her 29-city North American tour after 13 stops
7. The Illinois State Senate passed a bill allowing same-sex marriage in the Land of Lincoln.

"Missed it by THAT much, chief."

Whew! What do you think about the interesting times we live in, Reds?

 HALLIE EPHRON: Interesting, isn't it, how what passes for today's "news" ranges from the sublime to the ridiculous. You didn't mention them, but I'm riveted by the stinky cruise ship limping into port and impending asteroids. Which makes me wonder if "news" isn't a ploy to keep us from paying attention to the really scary stuff (like global warming and untreated mental illness) that we tell ourselves we can't do anything about.

 

Most inappropriate head shot EVER.

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I read the newspapers, three of them every weekday, the Times, The Globe and the Herald, in the car on the way to work. Often I read the articles out loud, so Jonathan isn't only the chauffeur. (Weekends, we read at the breakfast table.) Some days I say: How am I supposed to KNOW all this knowledge?Like--oh, Timbuktu is in Mali? The what, the sequester?

How do I know what really MATTERS? (That's what haunts me about the news.It's all NEW things. Some of it will be history, but what?)

And Julia, how about the rogue cop on the run in the shootout in California?  And the desperate drink of water by Marco Rubio? MIchelle Obama's bangs? And what the heck is the Harlem Shake?

Sometimes I make up stuff when I am reading out loud to Jonathan just to see if he'll notice. He rarely does. 

Am I the only one who hears the Love Boat theme?

JULIA: I can't believe I forgot the Poop Boat.



LUCY BURDETTE: Yes, I too am obsessed with the cruise ship, both because we see a lot of them in Key West. And I've been on cruises. And cannot imagine how AWFUL that experience must be! Decks awash with poop? Nothing to eat? People getting sick left and right? No amount of sanitary hand cleanser could save me...

And the rogue cop--absolutely terrifying. All those families worrying they are next in his sights...the scariest kind of thriller, but REAL!

and ps, I did not care for Michelle's bangs...

The Pope shows the expiration date in his zucchetto.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: I'm still getting over the shock of Lady Sybil dying - oh wait, you meant real news.

I think the Pope's resignation has been the big recent news for me. I'm officially Catholic (not that anyone, including my Jewish husband would notice) but it is something of a big deal. And I coincidentally watched a terrific HBO special called Mea Maxima Culpa about scandals in the church and how Benedict, before he was Pope, was charged with handling (finessing?) many of them.

I've stayed away from the rogue cop, poop decks,and anything to do with Lady Gaga. That said, LOVED Michele's bangs. Hated Scalia's hat.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: How can we not talk about the asteroid fly-by! The 150 foot Asteroid 2012 DA14 whizzed by a mere 17,150 miles from earth, the closest known approach of an object that size.  This was a near-miss in astronomical terms, and an impact would have been the stuff of science fiction. And at the same, but merely coincidentally according to scientists, a meteor slammed into the Ural Mountains in Russia, injuring a reported 1,100 people.  The meteor, estimated to be about 10 tons and 49 feet wide, entered the Earth's atmosphere at a hypersonic speed of at least 33,000 mph and shattered into pieces about 18-32 miles above the ground.  This was fireworks, folks.  Real fireworks, real news.

And on a slightly lesser scale,  I'm fine with Michelle's bangs. Why shouldn't she have bangs?

Real ad. You can't make this stuff up.

JULIA: Ambivalent about the bangs. I'd really love it if she went natural.

For me the most shocking news was the famous "Blade Runner." I mean, what is up with athletes these day? One has a fake dead girlfriend, and another (allegedly) kills his real live girlfriend? The Smithie, who ran throughout high school and who still avidly follows the world track stars, texted me, 
NO! OSCAR PISTORIUS! NO!  followed by THERE GOES MY LAST SHRED OF FAITH IN MEN. 

I can't help but think that somewhere, there's a smart scriptwriter working on a draft of POSEIDON 2013: a group of cruisers, including a rogue cop, a troubled double-amputee, a lovable Affenpinscher and Lady Gaga, are on their way to see the pope's final mass when their ship breaks down. Can they escape before they get radiation poisoning from the North Korean nuclear bomb launched to stop the killer asteroid on a collision course with earth?

How about you, dear readers? What's your take on the news of the week? And what do you think of Michelle O's bangs?

Nominations please! Uppity women...

HALLIE EPHRON: TIME OUT for an update from yesterday: This is from Darlene Ryan, her "own little Matt Lauer because I don't think I'm going to meet the real one who is my not-so-secret crush." Is this adorable or what??

Moving on...

Vicki Leon is just out with a new book in her Uppity Women series. This one: "4000 Years of Uppity Women." It starts in ancient times, telling anecdotes about women who "rocked as many cradles as the other gals, but they've rocked a lot of boats as well."

Besides well known Cleopatra and Jezebel, she spotlights Korinna (Greece, 500 BC) who beat a man five times in a poetry competition; Margery Russell (England, 1300) who ran her late husband's import export business and stood up to Spanish pirates; and Queen Aahotep of ancient Egypt, so renowned for her battle skills she was buried with a ceremonial battle ax.

It's a feathery fun read, and it got me thinking about my favorite women, famous and not so famous, who excel in uppityness -- present company excluded, of course.

For sheer chutzpah and nerve, I'd nominate my dear friend Barbara for the way she fearlessly marches into stores and returns purchases. Did you know that at one time, Sears tools and GAP clothing could be returned at ANY point if they wore out?

I'd nominate my mother--when she started to write with my father (they co-authored plays and movies) she insisted that her name come first.

Looking at today's famous women, for sheer uppityness and boat rocking, here's ten whom I'd nominate for the Contemporary Uppity Women's Hall of Fame:

Hilary Clinton
Sarah Palin
Lady Gaga
Maya Lin
Kiki Smith
Patti Smith
Dr. Susan Love
Bette Midler
Cindy Sherman
Kara Walker (her art to the left)

Nominations, anyone? Famous and not...

JAN BROGAN: Well, you forgot Madonna - can there be a more uppity woman? And I always loved the idea that Golda Meir kicked butt against Arab countries that liked to keep their women subservient.

And more recently -- the Daughters of St. Paul, who said enough was enough and sued the Boston Diocese (which had to spend so much its money paying for the sins of all its pedophile priests) for control of their own retirement funds. The nuns reached a nice settlement. WAY TO GO NUNS!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Sue Grafton, for many reasons of course, including that she won't sell Kinsey Milhone to the movies. And Sara Paretsky. And how about Annette Bening? I dunno, she just seems kind of great to me. Got to have Rosa Parks. Tina Turner. Geraldine Ferraro. OH, definitely, Myra Kraft, who hung out with her husbands football team and showed them how to open their hearts.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: What a coincidence...I just got a copy of Uppity Women of Medieval Times. And right now (okay..not RIGHT now) I'm reading Catherine the Great by Robert Massie. Now THAT was an Uppity Woman. Fourteen years old, journeys to Russia, meets the idiot bridegroom, assesses the situation, bides her time, takes a few lovers and husband conveniently dies so she becomes Empress of all the Russias. Uppity.

More recently - and on a somewhat smaller scale - the first UW that leaps to mind is Kathryn Bigelow who won an Oscar for The Hurt Locker. That she beat her ex-husband for the honor must have been a nice little bonus.

LUCY BURDETTE: Gloria Steinem of course. Elinor Lipman (not only a wonderful novelist, but have you seen the poems she's writing on facebook?). Former Texas Governor Kay Richards. How about Sandra Day O'Connor, and Ruth Ginsberg and Sonya Sotomayer, and Elena Kagan--I think sitting on the Supreme Court (not to mention getting there) takes an enormous reserve of guts.

RHYS BOWEN: Did we leave out Hilary Clinton? Tina Fey? Margaret Thatcher? And one of the most assertive, but not uppity, was Mother Theresa. I saw a documentary in which she got everything she wanted in her calm, dignified manner, staring down men twice her size.

HALLIE: So, Jungle Red Readers, let's hear it -- your nominations to the Contemporary Uppity Women's Hall of Fame?