When TSA tells you, "Empty your lady bags..."

 

HALLIE EPHRON: Air travel!! I was just on a plane for the first time in more than two years and got reacquainted with the perils and pleasures of passing through security check.

Before I left, my friend Patty Jo emailed me about her recent experience:

I just went through security at the airport. The lady checking ID and boarding pass said, "You’ll have to empty out your lady bags when you put things through the scanner.”

“Lady bags?”

She pointed at my chest and the cell phone discreetly tucked in there, “ Yes, dear, everything has to be emptied out.”

Patty Jo cracked up, and I cracked up reading it. Lady bags? If I had to rely on mine for transporting my belongings, I’d have to leave everything at home.

But her experience took me back to a trip to Bouchercon when I was carrying some right/wrong answer buzzers in my bag for our Jungle Red Writers Jeopardy game. I’d neglected to take the batteries out and every time the security person jostled the bag, the wrong-answer buzzer went off.

That was early days, before TSA had grown a sense of humor (see “lady bags”). My luggage got searched and they confiscated a nearly empty tube of toothpaste because it said “6 oz” on the outside.

Years ago Jerry and I got stopped leaving Tangiers. We’d bought a large hammered copper teapot and I’d had to stuff our (dirty) underwear into it in order to fit it into our suitcase. Needless to say, the suitcase was searched and the teapot had to be emptied out.

Nowadays I zoom (lower case z) through security with TSA precheck. Most of the time.

Have you had to empty your ‘lady bags’ or had other adventures getting through a security checkpoint?

RHYS BOWEN: I haven’t flown in nearly three years and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. I remember the early days of TSA when they were paranoid and confiscated any liquid or gel that looked as if it could be more than three ounces. They took my husband’s money clip, of which he was very fond, because it had a tiny, one inch knife on one side. I had to bite my tongue so that I didn’t point out you could hardly hijack a 747 with it.

My most embarrassing experience? My carry on bag set off the alarm as it went through the check at Heathrow.. It was hauled aside and I had to wait. I was annoyed. I told them there was nothing in it and I had been through other checkpoints with the same bag in the last few days. He searched and found some kind of face cream with maybe three ounces left in the bottom. I told him he was being ultra picky. He removed the cream and sent the bag back again. It beeped again.

I got more frustrated and pointed out that if I wanted to hijack a plane I wouldn’t bother to pay for a first class ticket! Then, to my mortification, he found another pocket in the bottom of the bag and in it… a bottle of orange juice I had bought on a train days before and completely forgotten about.

Exit with red face.

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: My most memorable TSA experience was traveling with The Boy, who was then about nine. He was going to stay with relatives in Tuscaloosa while I went to the Alabama book festival - a nice way to combine business with family. I had previously warned him not to make any jokes about bombs or terrorists, and he promised he wouldn’t.

What I neglected to say was not to touch anything belonging to the TSA personnel. I was pulled aside for further searching, and as the agent was checking my carryon, The Boy picked her wand up from the table and began “shooting” with it - yes, friends, with pew-pew sounds effects as well. I saw my life flash before my eyes as I pictured spending the rest of it in a small federal cell.

Thank God, the agent was also a mother. She gave him a lecture in a Very Serious Mom Voice, winked at me, and wished me good travels. Crisis averted! I’m still considering slipping a Nerf gun into one of his kids’ bags at some future family travel event, however. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh boy, more good times to look forward to as we travel more! The only real troubles I’ve had are the times I put something in John’s suitcase and forgot to mention it:). On the way to Mexico for a family wedding, he was pulled aside for smuggling apples into the country. Oh he was mad!

Another time I completely spaced out and put a big jar of beautiful jalapeno spiked peach jam in his bag to take as a gift for my brother. He was not pleased about that either. We had a choice of surrendering the confiscated item or returning to the check-in desk to check the suitcase. Sigh…I wonder if anyone ever enjoyed that jam?

JENN McKINLAY: Lucy is a smuggler!!! LOL.

I have flown more during the pandemic than ever to help my family on the east coast during these crazy days and it’s been fine. I haven’t even had a rabble rouser on any of my flights (thank goodness). The only problem I’ve ever had was in 2004, flying with two boys ages 2 and 3, and Providence TSA decided to pull me aside and wand me, making me assume the Karate Kid crane kick pose - both arms and one leg up in the air. Naturally, the Hooligans took this opportunity to escape mom and in case you’re unaware toddlers are FAST!

While the agent was diligently wanding me, I said, “Either you go chase those two toddlers down right now or I’m going, but I’m not having my kids snatched because of you.”

Dude dropped his wand and signaled for me to go. What I felt like saying was “I have my babies with me. I’m not going to blow up your plane, you numpty.” But I didn’t.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Air travel! I haven't flown since January 2020 and I think I've lost all my airline privileges, boo. But my Global Entry and TSA Precheck should still be good. Now if I can just remember how to pack when I do finally get to take a trip.

I have been guilty of inadvertently smuggled produce. Coming back into DFW from London, I had the agriculture beagle alert on my bags. I couldn't imagine what I'd packed that was on the no-no list (hadn't been visiting farms!) But it was the good old forgotten apple, the traveler's staple in case of starvation!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: So funny! I have actually done a story about those sniffer beagles, in the company of an adorable beagle named Haven. She totally knew her stuff! No matter what the passenger said, Haven insisted, and she was always right.

My favorite story is when Jonathan and I were flying to Mexico. Because my carryon bag was heavier, Jonathan was carrying mine, and I was carrying his. We were clearly together, but Jonathan was stopped at a special checkpoint, for some reason which we can only imagine, and was asked to open the bag. Which he did. It was full of women’s clothing, of course, all my stuff. They looked through it, without batting an eye, found nothing wrong, and said okay. And waved us through.

Now, call me crazy, but clearly that was not his suitcase, right, probably? And it since it wasn’t, clearly— that meant, probably, someone else had his! This has haunted me ever since.

I always thought–you think you know what you’re looking for, but maybe you are not seeing the bigger picture?

HALLIE: What have been your adventures getting through security, and are you looking forward to getting back into the swing of air travel?

A Matter of Trust--What would you do?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:   It happens to me at the airport. I'm by myself, and waiting in my very good seat in the waiting area, and, um, I have to go to the bathroom. DO I give up my good seat, and lug all my stuff with me? Or do I look for a likely trust-worthy looking person and say--could you just watch this for me and I'll be right back?

Now, obviously, this is FRAUGHT. This is asking someone to do exactly what the security announcements say not to do. But in this case, I'd be the dangerous one, right? And I'm not. Of course that someone could steal all my stuff. So, sigh, I NEVER do it, but I always think of it.

Another time, on the airplane, I was having trouble getting into my 11A window seat--because I had a bag, and a latte, I couldn't navigate myself over the passenger in 11B. "Could you hold my latte for me?" I asked 11B. She looked at me like I was CRAZY. "No, I'm afraid not," she said. 

 

What a terrific photo of Diane Vallere!

So how do you know who  is trustworthy? That's what the fabulous (you know her,right?)  Diane Vallere is asking--

WHO DO YOU TRUST?

                        Diane Vallere

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about trust, which I think is a very scary subject. Specifically, I’ve been wondering what it is about trust that makes us willing to gamble our emotional well being? Is it a currency with which we shop for people who become our closest confidents, or is it a measure by which we rule out wannabe friends and partners?

Not terribly long ago, I was talking about a mutual friend with some coworkers. “I like her, but I wouldn’t trust her as far as I can throw her,” said one. We all agreed. But on principle, it seems silly that we could acknowledge liking someone who we all know we wouldn’t trust. I couldn’t tell you what that person had done to make us all agree so quickly, but there it was: unanimous votes on untrustworthiness, cast in a matter of seconds. It would have taken longer to get us to agree on lunch.

It seems that every day we encounter strangers to whom we grant our trust: the mechanic who tells us that our car repairs are going to cost $900, the sales associate who says we look good in yellow, the Trader Joe’s employee who tells us we’ll really like the Malbec/Merlot blend. So we have the work done on our car, we buy the outfit, and we drink the wine. We trusted these strangers for no reason other than we wanted to.

But maybe the car didn’t really need that much work. Does it hurt as much to learn that the mechanic lied as it does when a loved one tells us they read our private journal? Not really. 

So why does it bother us so much when a person we’re close to violates our trust? Because it tells us something about that person, or because it tells us something about ourselves?

I think a lot about trust when I’m working on a book. Everybody in a character’s life can’t be trustworthy; it goes against the laws of real life. But in a mystery, where characters often aren’t what they seem, does trust play the same role as coincidence? Is it a plot device to move a scene forward, or is it an honest-to-goodness reflection of our own desire to believe the best about human nature when surrounded by the worst?

No actual teddies were loaned for this blog

When we trust someone, we become vulnerable. It’s like extending a valuable part of ourselves in the hopes that the person we trust will treat it with the respect it deserves.

It’s kind of like loaning out your teddy bear. Scary subject, indeed!

HANK:  Would you ask a stranger to hold your latte? Would you ask a stranger to hold your baby?  Have you ever trusted someone you shouldn't?

And trust me on this--one lucky commenter will win Diane's new book!

*******************************************

Diane Vallere lives in a world where popcorn is a breakfast food and Doris Day movies are revered for their cultural significance. After over twenty years in the fashion industry, she now writes full time, juggling the Mad for Mod series, the Style & Error series, and the upcoming Material Witness series. She launched her own detective agency at age ten and has maintained a passion for shoes, clues, and clothes ever since. Find her at http://www.dianevallere.com/.

THAT TOUCH OF INK

When interior decorator Madison Night receives a five thousand dollar bill in the mail, she knows it's a message from her past. But when she discovers a corpse while trying to learn of the bill's value, Madison suspects her former lover wants more than a reconciliation. His actions belie his intentions, and even a gallon of daisy yellow paint can't hide the writing on the wall. Madison follows a circuit of rare dollars and common sense and discovers a counterfeit operation, a jealous lover, and the true value of her independence.

Our Travel Nightmares

RHYS BOWEN: Today we were going to chat about becoming an accidental expert as we write, but real life intervened. There was an awful shooting at LAX, taking the life of a TSA agent.  Red Hallie got stuck on the tarmac for hours at LAX on the day of the shooting and the Red Lucy found bedbugs in her hotel bed. So I thought we'd better chat instead about what we hate most about traveling and any survival tips we'd like to share.
I used to love to travel. My husband worked for an airline and we'd stroll down to the airport and hop on a plane going to Hawaii. The kid would be invited into the cockpit. We'd stand by the gate waiting excitedly for relatives to emerge from the jetway. And now: stand in one line to check in. Another line to check bags. Pay to check bags. Another line to take off shoes, belt, jacket, take out laptop and toiletries. Be xrayed patted groped. Put on shoes etc. Stand around while flight is delayed. Get no food or pay for food that is so refrigerated it's like eating sawdust. Ah, the joys of travel.

We Reds travel a lot. We have each developed strategies to survive all the little annoyances and to STAY SAFE. Mine are:
1.food. I always stick a couple of those little gouda cheeses in my purse, plus a nut bar, some dried mango. That way I can avoid airline food.
2.Kindle. Have Kindle loaded with several books from my TBR pile. If flight is delayed whip out Kindle and read happily.
3.Pashmina. I always have my pashmina ready because planes can be horribly cold. (So can convention centers/rooms where I'm going to speak)
4. Shoes. I wear shoes that slip on OR undo with Velcro.
5.Survival gear. Have spare white top in carry on because there will be turbulence as soon as I sip coffee/orange juice.
6.Taxi/shuttle. I always go online ahead of time to book a shuttle or know how much a taxi should cost.
7.Hotels. Check room. Lift up bedding to see signs of bedbugs. Never put suitcase on the floor. Never make coffee without rinsing coffee maker jug really, reeeely well. (I've seen the video where the maid cleans them with same cloth she cleans toilet) Never sit on the comforter unless it has a new duvet cover.
8.If you don't like your room--noisy airconditioner, too near elevators, noisy neighbors etc never be afraid to go back to the desk and say "This room is unacceptable. Please find me another one."
If you make it clear you are not going to accept the first room, they have to find you another one.
9: Restaurants. As a single woman you tend to get shoved in the corner near the toilets. If you are taken that way veer off and say "I prefer this table, thank you." and select a table in the window for yourself. Then ask for a complicated wine. Tell them to as the kitchen to hurry up as you have to make a speech in an hour's time. This makes them realize you are not going to be easy.
10: Strange cities. Never stand on a street corner with a map, looking like a tourist. I always study the route ahead of then walk with purpose to my destination. If in doubt have route on Google Maps on phone. It's quite acceptable to pull out a phone for a second. And having been in situations where we've had a bag stolen or someone has attempted to steal my purse, the one most important thing I can pass along:
IF SOMEONE IS MAKING YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, BEHAVING STRANGLY, YELLING, PUT YOUR HAND STRAIGHT TO YOUR PURSE/WALLET.
So Reds, do share your tips and warnings.

HALLIE EPHRON: My trip to LA started off so auspiciously! I zipped through TSA in 10 seconds, literally -- I guess I've flown SO often they whisked me through the line where you don't have to remove anything, just walk through. Wowza! Arrived early in Denver. We'd heard about the shootings at LAX but our connecting flight took off for LA on time. Landed at LAX early. SIX black choppers circling ominously.
And then... tick tick tick. At first the pilot announced a half hour and we'd get a gate assigned. Three hours later... we finally got a gate and were free... to deal with a zooish airport, of course. What amazes me is how much we all take these kinds of situation in stride, we are so well behaved. And I made new friends because you talk to people so much more when you're in pain.
My survival kit: 1 apple, almonds, at least 2 books, my fleece coat which doubles as an air mattress when pressed up against the window. And a RIGHT side window seat near the back of the plane. For sleeping, and they board you early enough to score overhead space for the wheelie bag without having to gate check it.

RHYS: I always have to be at the front of the plane. I even pay for economy plus to get those extra inches and to get off first. I hate waiting forever while everyone gets off ahead of me.

LUCY BURDETTE: Hallie likes to tease me about this, but I always, always check for bedbugs first thing when I get into a hotel room. Here's what you do: Strip back the sheets and mattress pad in the corners at the top of the bed. This is where the little rascals show themselves. Inspect the seams of the mattress along tops and sides. If you see any signs of bugs or the little rusty spots that are their droppings, high tail it out of there. Last week was the first time I ever actually saw the red spots in the mattress seam. We had just unloaded the dog, the cat, the litter box, and all the luggage. Sigh. It would have been so much easier to stay--but they're very hard to get rid of, and would love to transfer to YOUR home, so don't take the chance! I informed the hotel and they quickly moved us to another room. After inspecting that bed, we moved. But none of us slept very well that night....

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh. Listen to this. I arrived at my hotel room in (city deleted)  and there was a note, xeroxed, on the nightstand, from the hotel management. It had a photo of this bug, (!!)

and it said something like--you may see this little guy in your room but if you do, don't worry, it is just looking for a warm place, and it is friendly. It then said--if you have any questions, please call the desk.  I will tell you Reds, if I saw this baby in my room, you would not need a PHONE to hear about it. Can you believe it?
My travel secrets? A black pashmina, (useful as a blanket or a coat, pillow, or a bathrobe. And almonds and apples, readily available, non perishable and suitable for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and drinks
And , sidebar. Let's hear a big cheer for TSAPreCheck. However I got on it, I am thrilled. NO shoes off, no cosmetics out, no coats off. I am infinitely grateful.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Great tips, all. I ALWAYS carry bottled water.  And some kind of high-energy snack like dried fruit and nuts. Tablet loaded with books, check. A paperback, check. Scarf/shawl/pashmina, check. Warm socks, check. I also have a fabulous travel blanket made by Coolmax.  Here's the link. I can't recommend this highly enough: http://www.travelsmith.com/coolmax-travel-blanket/12572?redirect=y You can cover up, head-to-toe. It's warm, it's amazingly light, packs to nothing, and can double as a shawl or wrap.  Nice for naps in hotel rooms, too.
I didn't know to check for bedbugs!!!  Ack!!! Never sleeping in a hotel room again without lifting the mattress!  Lucy, thanks so much!
And Hank, how do you get TSAPreCheck?  I WANT IT!

RHYS: I WANT IT TOO! I'll do anything.... anything.....
John is over 75 so doesn't have to take off jacket or shoes BUT last time they patted him down all over, just in case. Ugghh.  I know that Red Julia is traveling at this moment, on book tour for THROUGH THE EVIL DAYS. We wish her safe travels and no bed bugs!

So do share your own travel nightmares and tips.  And the copy of The Twelve Clues of Christmas goes to Joan Emerson. I loved her comment that the holiday was all about family and that they'd kept up the decorations while her nephew was deployed with the navy. So true, Joan. Email me at authorrhysbowen@gmail.com to get your mailing address.