HALLIE EPHRON: Air travel!! I was just on a plane for the first time in more than two years and got reacquainted with the perils and pleasures of passing through security check.
Before I left, my friend Patty Jo emailed me about her recent experience:
I just went through security at the airport. The lady checking ID and boarding pass said, "You’ll have to empty out your lady bags when you put things through the scanner.”Patty Jo cracked up, and I cracked up reading it. Lady bags? If I had to rely on mine for transporting my belongings, I’d have to leave everything at home.
“Lady bags?”
She pointed at my chest and the cell phone discreetly tucked in there, “ Yes, dear, everything has to be emptied out.”
But her experience took me back to a trip to Bouchercon when I was carrying some right/wrong answer buzzers in my bag for our Jungle Red Writers Jeopardy game. I’d neglected to take the batteries out and every time the security person jostled the bag, the wrong-answer buzzer went off.
That was early days, before TSA had grown a sense of humor (see “lady bags”). My luggage got searched and they confiscated a nearly empty tube of toothpaste because it said “6 oz” on the outside.
Years ago Jerry and I got stopped leaving Tangiers. We’d bought a large hammered copper teapot and I’d had to stuff our (dirty) underwear into it in order to fit it into our suitcase. Needless to say, the suitcase was searched and the teapot had to be emptied out.
Nowadays I zoom (lower case z) through security with TSA precheck. Most of the time.
Have you had to empty your ‘lady bags’ or had other adventures getting through a security checkpoint?
RHYS BOWEN: I haven’t flown in nearly three years and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. I remember the early days of TSA when they were paranoid and confiscated any liquid or gel that looked as if it could be more than three ounces. They took my husband’s money clip, of which he was very fond, because it had a tiny, one inch knife on one side. I had to bite my tongue so that I didn’t point out you could hardly hijack a 747 with it.
My most embarrassing experience? My carry on bag set off the alarm as it went through the check at Heathrow.. It was hauled aside and I had to wait. I was annoyed. I told them there was nothing in it and I had been through other checkpoints with the same bag in the last few days. He searched and found some kind of face cream with maybe three ounces left in the bottom. I told him he was being ultra picky. He removed the cream and sent the bag back again. It beeped again.
I got more frustrated and pointed out that if I wanted to hijack a plane I wouldn’t bother to pay for a first class ticket! Then, to my mortification, he found another pocket in the bottom of the bag and in it… a bottle of orange juice I had bought on a train days before and completely forgotten about.
Exit with red face.
JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: My most memorable TSA experience was traveling with The Boy, who was then about nine. He was going to stay with relatives in Tuscaloosa while I went to the Alabama book festival - a nice way to combine business with family. I had previously warned him not to make any jokes about bombs or terrorists, and he promised he wouldn’t.
What I neglected to say was not to touch anything belonging to the TSA personnel. I was pulled aside for further searching, and as the agent was checking my carryon, The Boy picked her wand up from the table and began “shooting” with it - yes, friends, with pew-pew sounds effects as well. I saw my life flash before my eyes as I pictured spending the rest of it in a small federal cell.
Thank God, the agent was also a mother. She gave him a lecture in a Very Serious Mom Voice, winked at me, and wished me good travels. Crisis averted! I’m still considering slipping a Nerf gun into one of his kids’ bags at some future family travel event, however. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
LUCY BURDETTE: Oh boy, more good times to look forward to as we travel more! The only real troubles I’ve had are the times I put something in John’s suitcase and forgot to mention it:). On the way to Mexico for a family wedding, he was pulled aside for smuggling apples into the country. Oh he was mad!
Another time I completely spaced out and put a big jar of beautiful jalapeno spiked peach jam in his bag to take as a gift for my brother. He was not pleased about that either. We had a choice of surrendering the confiscated item or returning to the check-in desk to check the suitcase. Sigh…I wonder if anyone ever enjoyed that jam?
JENN McKINLAY: Lucy is a smuggler!!! LOL.
I have flown more during the pandemic than ever to help my family on the east coast during these crazy days and it’s been fine. I haven’t even had a rabble rouser on any of my flights (thank goodness). The only problem I’ve ever had was in 2004, flying with two boys ages 2 and 3, and Providence TSA decided to pull me aside and wand me, making me assume the Karate Kid crane kick pose - both arms and one leg up in the air. Naturally, the Hooligans took this opportunity to escape mom and in case you’re unaware toddlers are FAST!
While the agent was diligently wanding me, I said, “Either you go chase those two toddlers down right now or I’m going, but I’m not having my kids snatched because of you.”
Dude dropped his wand and signaled for me to go. What I felt like saying was “I have my babies with me. I’m not going to blow up your plane, you numpty.” But I didn’t.
DEBORAH CROMBIE: Air travel! I haven't flown since January 2020 and I think I've lost all my airline privileges, boo. But my Global Entry and TSA Precheck should still be good. Now if I can just remember how to pack when I do finally get to take a trip.
I have been guilty of inadvertently smuggled produce. Coming back into DFW from London, I had the agriculture beagle alert on my bags. I couldn't imagine what I'd packed that was on the no-no list (hadn't been visiting farms!) But it was the good old forgotten apple, the traveler's staple in case of starvation!
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: So funny! I have actually done a story about those sniffer beagles, in the company of an adorable beagle named Haven. She totally knew her stuff! No matter what the passenger said, Haven insisted, and she was always right.
My favorite story is when Jonathan and I were flying to Mexico. Because my carryon bag was heavier, Jonathan was carrying mine, and I was carrying his. We were clearly together, but Jonathan was stopped at a special checkpoint, for some reason which we can only imagine, and was asked to open the bag. Which he did. It was full of women’s clothing, of course, all my stuff. They looked through it, without batting an eye, found nothing wrong, and said okay. And waved us through.
Now, call me crazy, but clearly that was not his suitcase, right, probably? And it since it wasn’t, clearly— that meant, probably, someone else had his! This has haunted me ever since.
I always thought–you think you know what you’re looking for, but maybe you are not seeing the bigger picture?
HALLIE: What have been your adventures getting through security, and are you looking forward to getting back into the swing of air travel?
