When I'm Wrong I Say I'm Wrong

JENN McKINLAY: After reading Saturday’s Mother’s Day post, I was struck by how “right” most of our mothers always thought they were. They didn’t hem or haw or question it. They were the authority and that was that. Y’all, that is so not me. 

The Hooligans at peak teen would get into trouble–as teens do–and, of course, Hub and I would discipline them with loss of privileges or groundings–as parents do–but I am so terrible at conflict that when voices got raised or doors were slammed, I was beside myself. I could never sustain the feeling of being at odds.

The Hooligans used to set a timer on their phone for twenty minutes and every single time, I’d crack like a walnut and pop up at their door, asking, “Are you okay? Are we okay? Should we talk about this? Want to hug it out?” One of the last times this happened, Hooligan 1 in complete exasperation, said, “Mom, stop! I was wrong. It’s okay that you yelled at me. I deserved it.” Then he hugged me because I still felt bad. 

Now, lest you think I couldn’t discipline them when they needed it, I am the mom who had them hold a bar of soap in their mouth for thirty seconds when they screamed, “I hate you!” Because, no, we are not having that. But the one thing I never assumed was that I was always right and I feel like that is the major difference between me and the generation who parented me because Hub and I have talked and neither of us can ever remember our moms (or dads) apologizing for anything ever.

How about you, Reds? Are you always right? 

LUCY BURDETTE: Just ask John–I’m very definite! Maybe it’s because of my personality, or maybe I’m just enough older than you Jenn, or maybe because my kids were my stepkids–switching between households makes everything a bit more complicated and fraught. Anyway, I still think kids do better with clear boundaries and expectations, and the current popularity of “gentle parenting” makes me crazy.:) See, I told you I was definite!

RHYS BOWEN: I think I’ve become better at apologizing when I’m wrong as I’ve gotten older. When I was young I found it hard to admit it. With four children I ran a tight ship. We were the parents. There were rules. We went through all the usual teenage dramas with three girls. “I can’t believe you’ve ruined my life!” etc when I wouldn’t let them go to a party.

Interestingly enough my third daughter, Jane, was very young for her grade at school (she’d been promoted up a grade). So there were things she didn’t feel comfortable with. She’d be on the phone with a friend and I’d hear her say “A party at Jake’s house? Oh, I bet my mom won’t let me go.”  She’d look over at me and make a face, indicating she didn’t want to go. I’d say. “You’re right. You’re not going.” And she’d say into the phone. “See. I knew she wouldn’t let me.”  We were a good team.

After three girls Dominic was so easy as a teenager. He came home late once. We said, “You were supposed to be in by ten on a week night. You’re grounded for a week.”  He said, “That seems fair enough” and went to his room.  He’s still really easy going!

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Such an interesting thing to think about, Jenn. I don’t remember my parents ever admitting they were wrong about anything, or apologizing. Looking back, they probably weren’t wrong about much, except their politics, which I absolutely was not allowed to argue about. But still, what a generational shift.

As a divorced mom of a pre-teen then teenager, I think I tried extra hard to set rules. Unlike in your daughter Jane’s case, Rhys, they were not appreciated! And like Jenn, I’m super non-confrontational and hated for us to be mad at each other. Somehow we got through it, but I think boys might be easier.

HALLIE EPHRON: Wrong? Who me??? Absolutely. I remember when one of my daughters enraged me so much (why? I have no idea… and I must have been exhausted, or maybe that’s just my guilty conscience trying to come up with a reasonable explanation) that I hauled off and slapped her on the bottom. 

Stunned silence followed, and then she ran crying up to her bedroom. 

I NEVER hit my kids. And yet I had done just that. I snuck up to her room soon after, knocked sheepishly at the door, crept inside and apologized. 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: This is a great question. One of the great joys of my life was realizing that I’m not always right. That someone else might have a good idea. It’s really quite freeing, and has changed my life.

One of the things about being a reporter is that you have to have a careful balance of what you believe is right with what you might not know. Again, being open minded about the truth whatever that is is important to me in every way. And when it comes to writing my novels, I know an editor might have a terrific idea, and I might not be right about what I wrote.

My problem is I am often very convinced that I am right. And I can be very persuasive, I will admit to you. And I can get quite carried away with my persuasion.   Sometimes, when I’m trying to convince Jonathan of something, I will stop and say – – you know, I’m actually not quite sure about this, and I know I am winning you over here, but fair warning , I could be wrong.

All I know about raising kids is how I see my stepson and his wife bringing up our adorable grandsons. I would not have made some of the parental decisions they did, and I would have been much tougher. (As on the day one of them was whining, maybe 10 years ago, about how everybody had eaten all the cereal that he was hoping to have. 

His mother suggested that she would go to the grocery and get more. And I said “Not a chance. Life is tough,  buddy, eat the cereal that’s left.” 

And he happily did. 

And I have to say, even though I would have made different decisions for them along the way, the kids turned out to be spectacular. 

So, I was wrong. (Maybe.)

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Oh, I'm an apologizer. SUCH an apologizer. As a mother, I think it's so important to let kids know 1) we don't always get it right and 2) when that happens, we can acknowledge it. Model how you want them to be, right?

I'm also a promoter of - don't take this the wrong way - weaponized apologizing. Yes! Have you screwed up at work? Forgot to order the baby shower decorations? Spilled wine on someone as you walked to your table in a restaurant. Apologize! Apologize lavishly, abjectly and continuously until people forgive you just to get you to stop. It's impossible to remain mad at someone who will. Not. Stop. Accepting the blame. Try is sometime! 

How about you, Readers? Are you an "always right" sort of person or is admitting a mistake easy for you?

On apologies

JAN: I guess I've never really understood apologies before. I was under the misguided notion that when you wanted an apology from someone, you wanted it to be sincere. From the heart. As if the person felt that he or she did you wrong and was truly sorry about it.

I never got the whole "apology" as marketing thing. But now I see the apology is an incredibly useful tool. For example, if your name is fading from the headlines, say like Jaimee Grubbs, one of Tiger Wood's mistresses, all you do is demand an apology. Not a real one that he may mean. But one he might be forced to make for public relations reasons.

Jaimee wants Tiger Woods to apologize to her because he made her feel like she was "the only girl." We won't go into Jaimee's cognitive skills, we'll stick to her marketing skills. Bravo, Jaimee!

You can also use the apology to keep you in the papers by doing really stupid things and apologizing for them John Mayer may or may not have done this deliberately when he dissed his old girlfriends, Jessica SImpson and Jennifer Aniston, in Playboy Magazine.

But you must ask: did he think the Playboy reporter wasn't taking notes when he was talking?? After all this time in the celebrity limelight, did he not notice that reporters glom onto the first hint of controversy??

We all make mistakes. It's just that we all don't get huge amounts of press for them. So I've been putting on my thinking cap, trying to come up with an idea: I could either confess to having an affair with someone famous and then apologize afterward (sorry, I was delusional) Or better yet, maybe I could plagiarize a Pulitizer-prize winning author, and apologize afterward. (sorry, I just didn't notice i was copying word for word.)

Okay, so what are YOUR thoughts on apologies. And do you have any inventive ideas on how

to get press for them??

HANK: I think it's the "Just spell my name right" syndrome. If they're using your name, that's good, no matter what. And there's nothing like demanding something to get a story about how you're demanding it. I'm still shaking my head over the Rielle Hunter sex tape.

Okay, so first you get a camera and tape yourself having sex with your illicit adulterer politico lover. Right there, no way. Then someone else somehow has the tape? Are you kidding me? Let me ju

st say this--*I'm* demanding an apology from everyone involv

ed in that debacle. I used up valuable brain room on it, and someone ought to pay.

JAN: Yes, that one has had me amazed, too. Let's see, you're a politician running for NATIONAL office, and all your enemies are looking for ways to bring you down -- so you video tape your adulterous affair. Then you lose track of it? And with that stellar sense of judgment, you want to make policy for the rest of us?

HALLIE: Apologies are oh so useful... especially when someone is screaming at you. I once apologized to a guy who rear-ended me in traffic. Shut him right up.

Did you know that you have a better chance of getting your message across if you speak in someone's RIGHT ear. That's according to a study in the UK reported in The Telegraph. But those folks drive on the wrong side or the road so maybe American left ears are more receptive? We could duplicate their experiment. We'd need to work 30 young men up into a fury. I'll drive.

RHYS: What sickens me is that the apology seems to be enough. Some sleazy public figure stands tearfully at the mike and sobs "I have sinned" and then everything is supposed to be all right again.

It seems that so many people relish fame and the spotlight so much that they'd rather be pitied or despised than back out of the public eye. On the other hand the sincere apology is one of the hardest things to do, and one of the most healing.

RO: Ditto, ditto and ditto. The guy who spends a lifetime saying that gays are going to hell, and shouldn't be teachers and shouldn't be in the military..then deals with the inevitable sex tape of him with his massage therapist, by saying "Ooops. I'm sorry. I have sinned"? That makes me want to scream. The guys who are unfaithful? I don't care, that's between them and their wives. I fail to see why anyone cares. Maybe if it were Russell Crowe and Michelle Obama I'd be mildly interested, otherwise - so what?

Saying you're sorry is a great way to get the other person to shut up. Unless you're my husband, in which case it will only unleash another stream of "I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to know why -fill in the blank - bothers me."

I think we should take out an ad in an upcoming show program announcing that the writers of Jungle Red are profoundly sorry for their actions and words appearing on www.jungleredwriters.com. We understand that a number of people were shocked, appalled, and horrified while bemused, engaged and entertained by our words and although we understand and are deeply concerned we believe it is our dut

y, nay, our sacred trust with the blogosphere to continue to write as we have for the past four years without regard to ratings, hits, tweets or the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune because we are six brave women who will stand together to fight this thing and emerge victorious in the name of women everywhere.

Maybe people will wonder what the $%*& we're apologizing for.

HANK: Oh, definitely! All kinds of new people would come read our blog to see what they missed! Uh, once, maybe.

ROBERTA: Ro, you have the same evil mind that I do. let's apologize! Maybe we should start saying s

ome things that are worth apologizing for! What perplexes me more than the fake apologies are the folks who DON'T apologize, when "I'm sorry" might make a huge difference in the outcome of their mess. But I think part of it has to do with Rhys's point, an apology is not easy, especially done with humbl

eness and sincerity.

JAN: Ro, I think that's a brilliant idea!! And next, we can all apologize for sleeping with Tiger Woods!

Come back tomorrow, when I reveal why not doing something you want to do is oddly appealing.