The Hooligans at peak teen would get into trouble–as teens do–and, of course, Hub and I would discipline them with loss of privileges or groundings–as parents do–but I am so terrible at conflict that when voices got raised or doors were slammed, I was beside myself. I could never sustain the feeling of being at odds.
The Hooligans used to set a timer on their phone for twenty minutes and every single time, I’d crack like a walnut and pop up at their door, asking, “Are you okay? Are we okay? Should we talk about this? Want to hug it out?” One of the last times this happened, Hooligan 1 in complete exasperation, said, “Mom, stop! I was wrong. It’s okay that you yelled at me. I deserved it.” Then he hugged me because I still felt bad.
Now, lest you think I couldn’t discipline them when they needed it, I am the mom who had them hold a bar of soap in their mouth for thirty seconds when they screamed, “I hate you!” Because, no, we are not having that. But the one thing I never assumed was that I was always right and I feel like that is the major difference between me and the generation who parented me because Hub and I have talked and neither of us can ever remember our moms (or dads) apologizing for anything ever.
How about you, Reds? Are you always right?
LUCY BURDETTE: Just ask John–I’m very definite! Maybe it’s because of my personality, or maybe I’m just enough older than you Jenn, or maybe because my kids were my stepkids–switching between households makes everything a bit more complicated and fraught. Anyway, I still think kids do better with clear boundaries and expectations, and the current popularity of “gentle parenting” makes me crazy.:) See, I told you I was definite!
RHYS BOWEN: I think I’ve become better at apologizing when I’m wrong as I’ve gotten older. When I was young I found it hard to admit it. With four children I ran a tight ship. We were the parents. There were rules. We went through all the usual teenage dramas with three girls. “I can’t believe you’ve ruined my life!” etc when I wouldn’t let them go to a party.
Interestingly enough my third daughter, Jane, was very young for her grade at school (she’d been promoted up a grade). So there were things she didn’t feel comfortable with. She’d be on the phone with a friend and I’d hear her say “A party at Jake’s house? Oh, I bet my mom won’t let me go.” She’d look over at me and make a face, indicating she didn’t want to go. I’d say. “You’re right. You’re not going.” And she’d say into the phone. “See. I knew she wouldn’t let me.” We were a good team.
After three girls Dominic was so easy as a teenager. He came home late once. We said, “You were supposed to be in by ten on a week night. You’re grounded for a week.” He said, “That seems fair enough” and went to his room. He’s still really easy going!
DEBORAH CROMBIE: Such an interesting thing to think about, Jenn. I don’t remember my parents ever admitting they were wrong about anything, or apologizing. Looking back, they probably weren’t wrong about much, except their politics, which I absolutely was not allowed to argue about. But still, what a generational shift.
As a divorced mom of a pre-teen then teenager, I think I tried extra hard to set rules. Unlike in your daughter Jane’s case, Rhys, they were not appreciated! And like Jenn, I’m super non-confrontational and hated for us to be mad at each other. Somehow we got through it, but I think boys might be easier.
HALLIE EPHRON: Wrong? Who me??? Absolutely. I remember when one of my daughters enraged me so much (why? I have no idea… and I must have been exhausted, or maybe that’s just my guilty conscience trying to come up with a reasonable explanation) that I hauled off and slapped her on the bottom.
Stunned silence followed, and then she ran crying up to her bedroom.
I NEVER hit my kids. And yet I had done just that. I snuck up to her room soon after, knocked sheepishly at the door, crept inside and apologized.
HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: This is a great question. One of the great joys of my life was realizing that I’m not always right. That someone else might have a good idea. It’s really quite freeing, and has changed my life.
One of the things about being a reporter is that you have to have a careful balance of what you believe is right with what you might not know. Again, being open minded about the truth whatever that is is important to me in every way. And when it comes to writing my novels, I know an editor might have a terrific idea, and I might not be right about what I wrote.
My problem is I am often very convinced that I am right. And I can be very persuasive, I will admit to you. And I can get quite carried away with my persuasion. Sometimes, when I’m trying to convince Jonathan of something, I will stop and say – – you know, I’m actually not quite sure about this, and I know I am winning you over here, but fair warning , I could be wrong.
All I know about raising kids is how I see my stepson and his wife bringing up our adorable grandsons. I would not have made some of the parental decisions they did, and I would have been much tougher. (As on the day one of them was whining, maybe 10 years ago, about how everybody had eaten all the cereal that he was hoping to have.
His mother suggested that she would go to the grocery and get more. And I said “Not a chance. Life is tough, buddy, eat the cereal that’s left.”
And he happily did.
And I have to say, even though I would have made different decisions for them along the way, the kids turned out to be spectacular.
So, I was wrong. (Maybe.)
JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Oh, I'm an apologizer. SUCH an apologizer. As a mother, I think it's so important to let kids know 1) we don't always get it right and 2) when that happens, we can acknowledge it. Model how you want them to be, right?
I'm also a promoter of - don't take this the wrong way - weaponized apologizing. Yes! Have you screwed up at work? Forgot to order the baby shower decorations? Spilled wine on someone as you walked to your table in a restaurant. Apologize! Apologize lavishly, abjectly and continuously until people forgive you just to get you to stop. It's impossible to remain mad at someone who will. Not. Stop. Accepting the blame. Try is sometime!
How about you, Readers? Are you an "always right" sort of person or is admitting a mistake easy for you?
