JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Forty years ago this month, my sister sent me the following birthday card:
I found it when sorting and consolidating a couple boxes of old letters and cards that went across the Atlantic and from state to state between me, my sister, and my mother. I was feeling a bit melancholic, realizing that my daughters and I won't ever have this kind of physical record of our thoughts and conversations (who knows what will eventually become of our massive chat logs?)
Then I hit this card, and my mind did that record scratch thing.
This was a perfectly normal funny card to send in 1986. My friends and I, who all had masters degrees or were going to law school, lamented that we were never going to find husbands. Why? In part, because that same month and year, Newsweek Magazine came out with a cover story that put fear in the hearts of every single straight woman (or in the hearts of their parents, who wanted them safely and legally coupled.)
Yep, by turning 25, my college-educated self had reduced my chances of getting hitched to just 50%!
Of course, years later when sociologists revisited the study the Newsweek report was based on, they found it had ALL sorts of problems, and in fact, a woman was not more likely to die in a terrorist attack than find a man at 40.
But it says a lot about the American culture at the time that we all believed it. Somehow, despite our accomplishments and the jobs we were doing and the great social life of Washington, DC, my girlfriends and I had absorbed a message that our lives would only really start when we 1. got married 2. bought a house and 3. had a baby. Maybe it was just my group from college and grad school, but I didn't know any heterosexual young women who didn't want to hit these goals.
And that, thank heavens, has changed.
My oldest daughter wanted that triple achievement, but she didn't consider herself a failure before she tied the knot. She went out and bought her own house. I don't think any of her peers from Smith were wed before 30 (in contrast, my girlfriend who went to Smith got married at 30 and she was the absolute last one of our circle to do so - we were all biting our nails for her!)
My youngest wants marriage and kids, but at 25, she doesn't think she's anywhere old enough yet, and besides, she has to establish her career first.
The sense that having a ring on your finger was somehow the portal that let you into your actual life, and everything you did before buying a big poofy Princess Diana dress and dancing to 'Endless Love" at your reception was just a prelude? That's gone. (Although I'm waiting for those dresses to come back into style...)
Today, women at 25 still want to fall in love, find a wonderful, life-long partner, and go through the adventure of building a life with someone. But they know it's a part of their lives, not the whole bag of sugared almonds.
So we won't have boxes of letters and card, probably, but I'll take all those written-down memories in exchange for the sense your life belongs to you, before, during, and after marriage.
How about you, dear readers? Do you recall the expectations about pairing up when you were young? And what else to you think has changed for the better in our world today?
PS: I guess I let my history geek side too far out on Monday, when I decided to refer to The Very Tall Dutchman as VOC. (I have to get some use out of that masters degree.)
VOC, or Vereenigde Oostindische Compagnie, is the commonly used abbreviation for the famous Dutch East Indian Company, the mercantile powerhouse that arose in the late 16th century and turned the small nation of the Netherlands into an economic giant on the world stage. Their ships were well known for venturing into exotic and uncharted waters and returning with treasures. Like, I imagine, my youngest daughter!
