The Times, They Are a-Changing (Thank Goodness.)

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Forty years ago this month, my sister sent me the following birthday card:

 

 

 

 

I found it when sorting and consolidating a couple boxes of old letters and cards that went across the Atlantic and from state to state between me, my sister, and my mother. I was feeling a bit melancholic, realizing that my daughters and I won't ever have this kind of physical record of our thoughts and conversations (who knows what will eventually become of our massive chat logs?) 

Then I hit this card, and my mind did that record scratch thing.

This was a perfectly normal funny card to send in 1986. My friends and I, who all had masters degrees or were going to law school, lamented that we were never going to find husbands. Why? In part, because that same month and year, Newsweek Magazine came out with a cover story that put fear in the hearts of every single straight woman (or in the hearts of their parents, who wanted them safely and legally coupled.)

 

Yep, by turning 25, my college-educated self had reduced my chances of getting hitched to just 50%!

Of course, years later when sociologists revisited the study the Newsweek report was based on, they found it had ALL sorts of problems, and in fact, a woman was not more likely to die in a terrorist attack than find a man at 40.

But it says a lot about the American culture at the time that we all believed it. Somehow, despite our accomplishments and the jobs we were doing and the great social life of Washington, DC, my girlfriends and I had absorbed a message that our lives would only really start when we 1. got married 2. bought a house and 3. had a baby. Maybe it was just my group from college and grad school, but I didn't know any heterosexual young women who didn't want to hit these goals.

And that, thank heavens, has changed. 

My oldest daughter wanted that triple achievement, but she didn't consider herself a failure before she tied the knot. She went out and bought her own house. I don't think any of her peers from Smith were wed before 30 (in contrast, my girlfriend who went to Smith got married at 30 and she was the absolute last one of our circle to do so - we were all biting our nails for her!)

My youngest wants marriage and kids, but at 25, she doesn't think she's anywhere old enough yet, and besides, she has to establish her career first.  

The sense that having a ring on your finger was somehow the portal that let you into your actual life, and everything you did before buying a big poofy Princess Diana dress and dancing to 'Endless Love" at your reception was just a prelude? That's gone. (Although I'm waiting for those dresses to come back into style...)

 Today, women at 25 still want to fall in love, find a wonderful, life-long partner, and go through the adventure of building a life with someone. But they know it's a part of their lives, not the whole bag of sugared almonds. 

So we won't have boxes of letters and card, probably, but I'll take all those written-down memories in exchange for the sense your life belongs to you, before, during, and after marriage. 

How about you, dear readers? Do you recall the expectations about pairing up when you were young? And what else to you think has changed for the better in our world today? 

PS: I guess I let my history geek side too far out on Monday, when I decided to refer to The Very Tall Dutchman as VOC. (I have to get some use out of that masters degree.) 

VOC, or Vereenigde Oostindische Compagnie, is the commonly used abbreviation for the famous Dutch East Indian Company, the mercantile powerhouse that arose in the late 16th century and turned the small nation of the Netherlands into an economic giant on the world stage. Their ships were well known for venturing into exotic and uncharted waters and returning with treasures. Like, I imagine, my youngest daughter!

An Oldie but Goodie with Some *Very Good* Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: We're running this post from four years ago because some of you will have missed it and it's good enough to read over and over! (In my humble opinion.) Plus it has the most adorable picture of Rhys and her John you will ever see...

The Reds Dish with Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of John and me getting married. Thirty years! How did that happen? Last year at this time, John was in the hospital with medical problems, so I feel even more grateful this year. I hoped the Reds might help us celebrate with pictures of their wedding day, and best advice for folks just starting out. (Or really, people in the middle might use this too!)

A wise therapist once told me that there’s not really any such thing as one marriage. You and your spouse embark on what becomes a series of marriages, depending on how each of you might be changing internally, plus changes outside with family challenges, health issues, aging, money, etc. To make it through all this, keep talking, stay kind and calm, and focus on the positive reasons you married this person in the first place.  How about you Reds, advice for newlyweds?

HALLIE EPHRON: I hate to say it, but the most important thing is to get lucky and marry the right person. Not as easy as it sounds. I could have walked off with quite a few Mr. Wrongs.

Jerry was Right and his timing was impeccable. It helps if he’s easy to look at and laughs at your jokes. 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I knew Jonathan was the one the moment I saw him. There’s no way else to describe this, and he felt the same way. We were “older,” me 46 and him 56, and I think that meant that we’d both been through a lot of experiences before, and realized not only what mattered, but what didn’t. 

Little stuff does not matter. If we’re feeling cranky, we just say–”I’m feeling cranky, it’s not you”. Individual items do not escalate into “you ALWAYS.”  We are both polite to each other–if someone does something small, like empty the dishwasher, the other always notices it, and remarks on it. We respect each other and we listen to each other. We take turns. I think he is fascinating and brilliant, and yes, he thinks I am funny, which is so important, because I think I’m hilarious but that’s not universally felt.

 We compliment each other every day. We are not one bit competitive with each other (except at Scrabble, another blog), and are truly supportive. We are patient with each other (although it doesn't feel like “patience,”) team players and good friends. We both think we are very lucky. And laughter, right?

JENN McKINLAY: Laughter. I often tell the Hooligans that the only reason that their dad and I are still married is because he makes me laugh. That’s a big part of it, I believe, but even more importantly, when adversity strikes, you have to jump in the fox hole together. Our marriage was a bit unbalanced as Hub suffered some big setbacks in the beginning, and I was always right there at his side. I thought I didn’t need him as much as he needed me. Then a crushing blow hit me, and lo and behold, I discovered my marriage had layers that I’d never even suspected. Hub kept me tethered with infinite kindness and patience, being there for me just like I’d been there for him. My advice? Keep your sense of humor and have each other’s back and you’ll be just fine. 

RHYS BOWEN: We were off to a rocky start as John was raised old school upper-class British–meaning you don’t show your emotions and the husband expects the wife to do the child rearing. He came from such a reserved background, boarding school at age 10, a father who only shook his hand, so I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Now he realizes how much he missed out on, not really knowing his kids. He has had so much more enjoyment from knowing his grandkids.

What has kept us together is sharing basic values on money, religion, ethics. Also we enjoy the same things–we love to travel, we love to get together with family and friends, and to laugh at British comedies. And as the years have progressed he has been so supportive of my career, my biggest champion. In fact the moment he retired he became a different person–much warmer, friendlier and encouraging. So perhaps the stress of work was an overriding factor.

Now he can tell the kids he loves them when they call him. He can be appreciative, in fact he tells me almost every day how lucky he is to have married me. So all’s well that ends well, I guess!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I would agree with everything said so far, and add 'practice kindness.' No matter how much you love someone, there will be days, weeks and sometimes even months where you would just as soon turn the garden hose on your spouse as talk to them. One of the most important things I learned in marriage counseling was to act loving, even when I wasn't feeling it. This does two things: it keeps your determination to make your spouse's life better alive. And, in the principle of fake it until you make it, you find that acting with love helps restore those feelings of love.

The second most important thing I learned was, if things aren't going well, get help! People often comment on what a great marriage Ross and I had. Well, that was because we worked hard at it, including going into couples therapy when necessary. If you have doubts about how well it works, take us as proof: we raised three fantastic children together and made it to our 30th anniversary.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Wow, I think we should go into marriage advice business! We are just a couple of years behind you, Lucy, as we just celebrated our 28th. Rick made me this graphic.

So obviously I agree that a sense of humor is super important, although it's not something that usually tops people's lists when they are looking for "romance."

But just when I am so annoyed at Rick I can hardly stand it, he'll make me laugh, and then whatever I was aggravated over doesn't seem nearly as important. And simple kindness and shared values can't be stressed enough.

How about you Reds? What's been important in your relationships? Or heck, things that haven't worked? Any advice for newlyweds or those out looking?

Technology, Meet Relationships—and Criminals

LUCY BURDETTE: The other day I was having a conversation with a few of my friends,  chatting about how things have changed in relationships with the advent of Alexa and Ring, and other technological “advances.” (I remembered a moment a couple of years ago when we were visiting our daughter and she said something to her daughter like “daddy is a dumdum.” Alexa piped right up without being asked to weigh in and said, “that's not very nice!”)

 

One of my friends described how he watches comings and goings at his home on his smart doorbell and noticed his wife carrying something to her car and driving away. She had not mentioned this trip to him, so he asked her about it. Turns out she was ferrying some of his “junk'' to the dump.

 

Another friend mentioned that it is very hard to throw anything out in her household. If she or other family members want to dispose of something they consider junk, they go out the back door and around the house to the outside trash. Otherwise, her husband will notice this on their camera and retrieve the questionable item from the garbage.

 

In my house, for some reason I’ve started getting email alerts when John charges something. (I’m glad it’s not the other way around!) I didn’t ask for these, but I get a chuckle out of mentioning to the hub that I noticed he’d had roast beef for lunch.

 

Really though, it’s not that funny. Where has our privacy gone? And how are our bad guys supposed to operate without immediately getting cornered?

 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Don’t worry about that last, Roberta - remember when everyone got cell phones, and we all worried about how any character was going to be caught alone or threatened because they could call for help at any moment? Somehow, crime fiction managed to incorporate that technology.

 

There is nothing smart about my house - no Ring camera, no talking refrigerator, and I’m happy with that. I do have Alexa (I love you, Alexa!) but despite her regular offers, I don’t let her order things for me, keep my shopping list, or make any calls. She tells me what the weather is and plays classical music and podcasts.

 

There are a LOT of husbands out there who like to hold on to stuff, and if a critical mass of them are receiving notices from their cameras when their exasperated wives try to sneak junk out of the house, I expect a big boom in A) storage lockers and B) marital counseling.

RHYS BOWEN:  I’ve unplugged Alexa. I’m tired of having a chat about something and then next morning seeing my in-box crammed with ads for that particular object, proving Alexa was listening in! Added to which John could never get the hang of her. He’d say, “Alexandra or whatever your name is. Could you possibly play something by Glen Miller?” And then get annoyed when she didn’t quite understand him!

 

No Ring at our house. I’d never be able to sneak anything out to the garbage if we had one. Husband tries to save old jam jars etc! 

 

But one of the reasons I enjoy writing historical novels is that I don’t have to deal with all the technology!

 

HALLIE EPHRON: This is making me think that there’s got to be a place for EVIL ALEXA. Though I’m sure Stephen King has already exploited it. She sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake… Can you say: CREEPY! This is why I’ve never let Alexa out of the box. 

 

And can I just say that if I’d snuck any of my husband’s stuff out of the house, my marriage would have been very short lived. Fortunately he had the sense to know what I’d classify as “junk” and keep it more or less out of my path.

 

JENN McKINLAY: No Alexa or Ring here either. I have Siri on my phone if I need to ask a random question and don’t feel like typing it into a search engine. And I have dogs - no one is breaking into this house. Hub is a reformed hoarder. He’s started decluttering his things (books and guitars) without a nudge from me for which I am grateful. 

 

For me, my two most valuable commodities are my time and my privacy, which I guard fiercely, and while some technology helps (Freedom App to keep your time on social media limited) most do the opposite so nope, nope, nope. 

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: We have three cameras on the front of our house, but they are only connected to our home network, NOT to the internet. Ditto our home automation. Rick loves this stuff and I think only someone very computer savvy could build this kind of privacy, hack-proof set up

 

I am, however, very fond of Alexa and love having my audio books and music available all over the house.

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: OH, yes, I love Alexa, too. I always ask her valuable important stuff (What year was Grace Kelly born?), and she usually knows. Especially good for math and book research. (What is 23 times $17.95? How many miles is it from Boston to Cleveland?)

I LOVE that you can SAY to the TV: “The Lincoln Lawyer” and up it pops.

Ooh, I always ask Alexa the weather,and sometimes I get it for West Newton, Pennsylvania instead of Massachusetts, and that’s interesting too. 

SOMETIMES, though, she pushes it. “Want me to tell you the humidity?” NO! I cry. 

But I love to set the timer with her for writing.

She also has good recipes, I’m not kidding. “Alexa, how do you make chicken cacciatore?” It works!

We have a security video thing, but it only records when the alarm goes off or something. But I love to be able to see our house on the phone when we are away. Even though we are NEVER away now.

The one interesting thing about Siri. I always said “HEY. SIRI.” in a demanding tone. But I once overheard a cool guy say “Hey Siri,” in a kind of Barry White cajoling way, and it was so nice. So I do that now, too.

Yes, I know they are all listening, but we are boring, so whatever.

How about you, Reds?

Are You Handy? @LucyBurdette

LUCY BURDETTE: John and I have just passed the 26-year mark in our marriage (yay!) Here's a photo with my dad turning me over to John at the altar. (John's mom Dorothy looking a little worried in the background. In fact, we all had a deer-in-the-headlights look, but it got better, I promise.)

One small complaint he has about me (I’m not going to list all of them or invite him to participate LOL,) has to do with the subject of handiness. 

My brother Doug in 1965 (see the vise?)

My father was very handy, he could fix anything. And he had a wonderful workshop in the basement wherever we lived, with a vise attached to his workbench and all the tools neatly lined up on the wall. My brother learned at his knee and consequently he is even more skilled around his own house. He does things like take apart their kitchen, and build porches, and put up new walls in the living room, and so on.


In our home, we are not so gifted. I can see problems and make general suggestions. Like recently, we wanted to fill in a half moon window in our bedroom that is lovely architecturally, but a disaster when morning comes. Before 6 AM, the light streams in, and the pets get restless and our sleeping is finished.. 

“Look," I say, "do you suppose we could use that giant Amazon box that the pillows came in to make a temporary, stopgap window treatment?"

John grumbles, but agrees to help me. We measure the height of the widest part of the arc, and the width of the arc and we draw this out on the cardboard. Then we cut it out with scissors and stick it in the window. Our ladder is too short, so it’s a little tricky for John to stand up there and poke the cardboard into the hole. And sadly, we haven’t measured accurately enough, so the light still streams in on the sides. 

John cuts out more pieces and duct tapes them to the original cardboard. And that is why we refer to him as the Rube Goldberg of home repair. And that is about the extent of our handiness. 

Here's another example: we have been arguing over who gets the custody of our one remote to enter the garage without having to get out of the car, open the door, get back in the car and roll into the garage. Finally we called a garage door repairman who came out and fixed up both cars instantly. Then he looked at our ceiling, where the doo-hickey motor attaches to the garage door rails.

"Is there some reason why you don’t have lightbulbs in your overhead lights?" he asks gently. "Would you like me to install them?"

I scratch my head. We've lived in this house almost twenty years and we never knew we had lights. So the man screws lightbulbs in and now we don’t have to get out of the car in the dark.

And after I report all this to him, John says, "I hope you’re not going to comment on how your father and your brother would have done that twenty years ago."

No, I'm not. I've been married 26 years and learned a few things. But this is our workshop, I kid you not. Duct tape, front and center.

Are you handy? Do you think it's an innate quality or something you can be taught?




Note from last week: Jana, you've won the Christine Carbo giveaway. Please send your email to ingrid at ingridthoft dot com so she can arrange delivery!

Do You Trust Your Spouse?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  How many lives has Jessica Strawser changed? As editor in chief of Writers Digest, she's encouraged authors to work hard and be authentic and do their best. And as a result, readers get the benefits of the books that result!

And now she's taking her own advice--and hitting it out of the ball park with novels of her own.

So now-- take a look at that person sitting across the breakfast table from you. Or across the table of your best friend. How--reliable is that spouse?  

It may be a disturbing question. But it sure makes for a great novel.

(And we're giving a copy of ALMOST MISSED YOU to one lucky commenter!) 

Why Bad Husbands Make for Good Suspense

  by Jessica Strawser

On the page as in life, there’s just something irresistible—from the outside, of course—about a marriage gone completely off the rails. The best suspense writers are skilled at tapping into our worst fears, and (death and public speaking aside) this one drives deep: It’s that horrifying idea that you might have missed some crucial undesirable something about the person you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with.

The person who shares your bank account, your address, your bed … maybe even your children.

My own 2017 novel, Almost Missed You, features a husband who makes some choices we’ll refer to as … questionable. Finn packs up and leaves his unsuspecting wife in the middle of a family vacation, and kidnaps their 3-year-old in the process. No note, no apology, no trace of where he’s gone.

The story that follows takes us, in alternate turns, back to when they met—through tangled years of fate, missed connections, and all that seemed meant to be—and forward to how she might find him now. And while I won’t hint at what happens, I will say this: The “bad” husband of my making isn’t all bad. I have a soft spot for the guy, I confess. I can’t even call him bad without using quotation marks!

Of course, not everybody feels the same about poor Finn, and that’s what’s great about fiction—just as we don’t all dole out forgiveness in equal measure in real life, in novels we’re bound to meet characters whose merits (or lack thereof) are ripe for debate. One reviewer wrote passionately about how badly she wanted to punch Finn in the face—so eloquently I had no doubt she’d do it if presented with the chance! Her visceral response, in my view, means I did my job: In her mind, he’d become real.

You’re probably thinking by now of Gone Girl—the quintessential battle of the bad spouses. Some think, not without grounds, that the book’s success spawned a rash of domestic suspense novels, but it’s also true that fraught marriages are nothing new on the shelf. And they don’t have to go so far as to involve psychotic murder setups to be compelling.

Shades of gray, after all, can be more interesting than black and white. I prefer them in my fiction and in my closet. And I’m not alone. My favorite trade review of Almost Missed You came from Booklist, which called it:

“Perfect for readers looking for something new after all of the ‘Girl’ thrillers … Gritty, witty, and a worthy addition to the recent slate of domestic dramas.”

Here are six others that have kept me good company, ranked on a sliding scale from it’s complicated to get out while the gettin’s good.

• The Husband’s Secret by Liane Moriarty: This one is a few years old now, but I feel compelled to mention it because these days so many people cite Big Little Lies as their favorite Moriarty book. This is mine. Her titular husband is in the same camp as Almost Missed You’s Finn—well meaning, to a point. The end is especially unforgettable in the way that the readers come to know more than the characters ever will. 

• The Blackbird Season by Katie Moretti: Alicia’s husband is a popular teacher and coach, perhaps a bit too well liked by his female students in particular … you can guess where this is going. Alicia and the other characters come to think they can, too—but jumping to conclusions can be just as dangerous as looking the other way.

• It’s Always the Husband by Michele Campbell: The title says it all—or does it? Revealed almost entirely in flashbacks, this story’s largely unlikeable victim casts shades of doubt over every plot turn, turning friends into frenemies and bonds into betrayals.

• The Good Widow by Liz Fenton and Lisa Steinke: Imagine: Your husband was having an affair, which you learned only when he and his mistress met an untimely end. You allow yourself to be convinced that recreating their final days might somehow be healing. What could possibly go wrong?

• The Marriage Lie by Kimberly Belle: The abrupt end to a perfect relationship—when a husband goes down with a plane he wasn’t supposed to be on—is the beginning of this psychological thrill ride with twists to spare.

• Behind Closed Doors by B.A. Paris: At the far end of the spectrum, if you prefer your bad husbands really, unequivocally, sickeningly bad, I’m not sure you’ll find one much worse than this creep.

My TBR pile wants to know: What’s your favorite book featuring a suspiciously secretive spouse, or a marriage in turmoil? And what was it about the suspense that hooked you and wouldn’t let go?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Whoa. Behind Closed Doors was so creepy! Truly disturbing. And I just read an excerpt of The Marriage Pact. Which seems interesting. (My new book TRUST ME, is about husbands, too. Just saying.)

And I will confess: there’s an arc of NOT THAT I COULD TELL on my nightstand. Lucky me. :-) 

So—marriage books?   Girl on the Train? Anna Karenina?   The other day someone mentioned Blood and Money.  (And do you think the spouses of the authors begin to get suspicious?)

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Jessica Strawser  is editor-at-large of Writer’s Digest, where she served as editorial director for nearly a decade. Her debut novel, Almost Missed You, was named to Barnes & Noble’s Best New Fiction shortlist upon its March 2017 release and will be new in paperback Feb. 6, 2018. Her second, Not That I Could Tell, is forthcoming in March. Connect with her on Twitter @jessicastrawser and on Facebook @jessicastrawserauthor.