Quarantine House - Jungle Reds Literary Edition

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: It’s all over social media - Quarantine House! I’ve seen versions with members of K-Pop groups, British Conservative politicians, historical figures and, of course, the characters from Friends. But this is Jungle Red Writers, and we are all about the novels. 

So, Reds, what fictional characters would you choose to share your quarantine, ah, quarters, and why? Let’s keep it to two or three, so nobody gets to grab Darcy, Mr. Knightly, Hayley Snow’s mom and the dad from Swiss Family Robinson. Movie characters are cheating, unless it’s an adaptation of a book.

First off, I’ll want Jeeves, from PG Wodehouse’s wonderful stories. Jeeves can cook a delicious meal, shake up a perfect cocktail, mend clothes, clean the flat, and can handle any emergency. My house would probably kill him, but I’m willing to take the risk. Second, Mina Yetner, from Hallie’s THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN. She’s sharp, has great stories, and would probably be happy to spend the afternoon playing cards and doling out good advice. Finally, Cordelia Naismith Vorkosigan, from Lois McMaster Bujold’s fabulous Vorkosigan series. Cordelia is well-known for keeping her head even when others are losing theirs, and she always struck me as the perfect woman friend, someone you’d love to put your feet up with and chat until the cows, or the butter bugs, come home.

Reds, who are your picks?

RHYS BOWEN: I’ll settle for my Lady Georgie’s Darcy! He’s not as stuffy as the first one and even more sexy. But then would I want to be chased around the house for the indeterminate future? I think I’d rather choose some females. Much better company and warm and caring!  If it was men I’d have to do the cooking and washing up and laundry! It would have to be someone calm, resourceful and with a good sense of humor. Debs’s Gemma could cope well and we’d better include Duncan for her. Harriet Vane would be interesting.  Mrs Polifax would have entertaining stories. But how about Mrs Patmore from Downton Abbey? Then we’d eat well!

HALLIE EPHRON: Hermoine Granger! Because then we could levitate to beat the band. Win-gar-di-um Lev-i-o-sa! Flick and switch. And because I’m sure she could find a vaccine. Chet the dog from Spencer Quinn/Peter Abrahams wonderful series. Because pandemics need pets. And Mrs. Whatsit from A WRINKLE IN TIME so we can travel through time and fight The Dark Thing.

JENN McKINLAY: Robert’s Crais’s Joe Pike, duh. ;-)  He’s got the safety and survival skills you want and need -- added bonus, he won’t talk you to death. Of course, throw in Grandma Mazur from Janet Evanovich’s series and you can also have some laughs! No, wait she’s too much work. Of course, if I’m really feeling escapist, I’d choose Lisa Kleypas’s entire Hathaway family - the selling point here being it’s historical, hilarious, and set in Hampshire. Yes, please!

LUCY BURDETTE: I would certainly invite Julia’s Russ (sorry Clare) because we can always use a big strong guy with a heart of gold underneath to protect us. But hmmm, maybe we need the spiritual guidance even more--except not a baby with colic, yikes! I love the idea of Mrs. Patmore cooking, but you know who else might be entertaining and provide the drinks? Ann Cleeves’ VERA. Plus she’s got a very big brain and doesn’t take s**t from anyone, so I think she could figure this out in a heartbeat…

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  We definitely need Mrs. Patmore, or SOMEONE resourceful who loves to cook. Magic would also be very nice, maybe Professor Dumbledore, who can also provide spiritual guidance.  We could all LIVE in Downton, because there’s plenty of room, and books, and places to walk. Plus, we could dress up.  Also, we need Lyra and her alethiometer from The Golden Compass, so we understand who’s telling us the truth. Probably a genius scientist, too, was there someone in The Andromeda Strain? And is there a doctor in the house? Who? And someone super-smart and interesting to talk to--maybe Robert Langdon? And yes, a protector. Maybe Victor Henry from Winds of War. He’s been through some stuff.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I'm going for Lord Peter Wimsey, and Bunter. Peter would keep me entertained, and when he wasn't being witty, he would play the piano brilliantly, or read classics to me. Bunter, of course, would bring endless, perfect cups of tea, cook, and keep the Piccadilly flat tidy. (Because it would be nice to be in London.) Harriet Vane, not so much. She's too prickly. Besides, two detective novelists in one household is one too many. And I don't want to share Peter.

JULIA: Well, the truth is out about Debs and Peter W, isn’t it? Who would you pick for your Quarantine House, dear readers? Oh, and as a preview, this Thursday, we’ll be having the Parade of Pandemic Pets, and if you send me a photo of your pet or another animal that’s brightening your life during lockdown, we’ll add it to our front page! Have them to me, juliaspencerfleming at g mail period com, by Wednesday afternoon.

Random Acts of Kindness

LUCY BURDETTE:  I "met" Kathleen George when I read her wonderful novel, THE ODDS, which was nominated for an Edgar for best novel. Her sixth novel, SIMPLE, is out now. And she's visiting JRW today to talk about how characters sometimes appear...in real life. Welcome Kathy!

KATHLEEN GEORGE:

I love a hunk.  

I have a new car, a Honda CRV, both taller and wider than my old Accord.  The sightlines are different, too.  I’m still getting used to it.  The other day I drove it into my parking garage at Pitt. And I found a space but there were big cars all around not to mention a wall to my left and a fence to my right, making for an awkward turning angle. 

I’ve been aware that over the years cars keep getting bigger and bigger but the parking spaces have not been expanded. 

This parking challenge would be nothing to a person living in France.  Those French drivers steer SUVs into postage-stamp-sized spots.  But I was game, unfortunately.  I swung in and heard a stomach-sickening crunch.  I turned to my left to find the driver side back door was attached to the wall.  All I knew was that my new car and the wall were meeting.    

I thought, if I go forward or backward I will rip the whole side of the car. 

I walked to the Grounds office located in the garage where only one man was working.  T-shirt, tattoos.  I said,  “I’ve driven into a wall.  I think I need a wonderful driver to help me figure out how to minimize damage.”   

He didn’t hesitate.  He followed me out to my car.  I believe he clapped his hands to his head when he saw the problem.   

 I said, “If we had eight or ten strong people, we could maybe lift the car away . . . “   

He shook his head.  There was no one else around.

“Let me get a jack,” he said.  

 I paced.  I was due at a meeting.  But he came back in seconds.  He jacked up the rear end of the car and then he stood and pushed hard several times, heaving and grunting until he’d moved the car a foot away from the wall.  I handed him the keys and without a word, he started it up and adjusted the car in the parking place. 

He could have made me feel dumb but he didn’t.  I offered him money, but he refused.  I saw that my only damage was a zigzagged scratch on the rear door—nothing compared with what would have happened without my hunk.  

I went back the other day to look for the guy.  I asked his name.  I figured he shouldn’t be nameless.  I said to him, “I’ve told everybody how great you were and that you could have made me feel stupid but you didn’t.”

He said, “It could have happened to anybody.”

Sweet, too?

I started to be in love.

Lowly?  Not in my book.  

 Well, maybe in a future book—as a character the reader will love.

Kathleen George is a theatre professor at Pitt and a novelist.  Her sixth novel SIMPLE, a police thriller about a gubernatorial candidate and his mistress, is forthcoming in August.

And she's here to talk with us today!

Carolyn Kaufman on Psychology in Fiction

Today JRW welcomes Dr. Carolyn Kaufman. Carolyn has a Doctorate of Psychology (PsyD) in clinical psychology, and teaches full time at the college level. She also works with journalists who are writing nonfiction articles and books, so gets quoted in magazines, newspapers, and books fairly often — that's fun! She's been writing since the age of 11. She's had some short fiction published in magazines, and is currently seeking representation for a contemporary fantasy novel, and working hard on a nonfiction project for Quill Driver Books. The working title is Nervous Breakdowns and Psychotic Killers: The Writer's Guide to Psychology.

ROBERTA: Welcome Carolyn! Love the title! That's quite a list of projects--where do we start?? You're a psychologist who writes and teaches about creating characters in fiction. We'd love to hear your tips about creating characters that come alive on the page.
CAROLYN: I think villains are too often neglected when we talk about characters, partly because some people find them uncomfortable to write. I believe the best villains are the ones we can relate to a little bit. So rather than describing your villain's actions with one of the old standbys — he was abused as a child, she was just born evil, he's a madman — try to figure out what it would take to drive someone to act the way your villain does. Your goal is not necessarily to make the character sympathetic; your goal is more to get the reader thinking "Would I really be any different in the same circumstances?"

ROBERTA: Tell us about the new book project from Quill Driver Books. In a nutshell, you'll be teaching fiction writers how to use psychology accurately in their books. Can you give us some tips in advance?
CAROLYN: One of the most important tips I can give is this — don't trust what you think you know about psychology. I've found that some of the most persistent myths are passed from storyteller to storyteller, because each new writer believes that the last one did her research!
Fortunately, some of the old misconceptions are starting to get cleared up; unfortunately, writers don't have easy access to information that will help them fill in the gaps. For example, more writers are realizing that schizophrenia is not the same thing as multiple personalities. The problem is, they still don't know exactly how they're different, and they let assumptions creep in to fill the gaps.
ROBERTA: And as if that wasn't enough, you blog regularly for QueryTracker.net. Tell us how that came about and what it offers aspiring writers.
CAROLYN: QueryTracker.net is a website that a guy named Pat McDonald created a couple of years ago. Pat decided that writers needed a database where they could 1) keep track of information about agents they were interested in approaching and 2) keep track of their submissions to those agents. The site also gathers statistics so that users can see just how long, on average, it takes Agent X to respond. Or how often Agent Y requests partials and fulls.
I discovered the site about a year ago and was just head over heels with everything it could do. I became a regular contributor to the QueryTracker.net forum, and together with a small group of other contributors, decided to take over responsibility for the QueryTracker.net blog. The blog had languished while Pat was busy developing a new social networking site, RallyStorm. Our mission has been to help and educate serious writers who hope to find an agent and get published themselves; we also keep people abreast of what's going on in the publishing industry from week to week. We've had an incredible response from readers so far!

ROBERTA: And just for fun (because this is one of my pet peeves too), who is the worst fictional shrink you've come across so far?
CAROLYN: I've seen a lot of useless and elitist therapists in written fiction, but the ones who bother me the most are the ones who could care less about helping their clients — they're just there to get rich. (I have no idea which Alternate Universe these therapists live in, but it's sure not one I want to visit.)

If we expand into television and movie shrinks, there are some real doozies out there, but my current favorite is Dr. Vance from the horror/action movie Blade Trinity. Not only does he ooze self-importance and openly mock the main character (not very therapist-like behaviors), he makes a series of disjointed, completely useless interpretations. Then he asks about Blade's mother out of nowhere, to the point that the line is a non sequitur. He's an ugly hodgepodge of clichés. I can never decide whether to laugh or cry about that character.
My fantasy is that writers — and that includes screenwriters! — will be able to use the information in my book to create therapists that look and act more like real therapists.
ROBERTA: Okay gang, pile on with questions and comments! And you can read more about Carolyn at Archetypewriting.com. And by the way, my nominee for dreadful fictional shrink is Dr. Molly Griswold in TIN CUP:
“Meet Dr. Griswold,” golfer Roy McAvoy says to his friends in the movie, Tin Cup. “This is Molly. She’s my shrink.”
“Ex-shrink,” Dr. Molly Griswold corrects him. “We’re sleeping together now so I can’t be his therapist.”
'Nuff said Carolyn??