"Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam! Wonderful spam!"

HALLIE EPHRON: Recognize the line? It's from a Monty Python Flying Circus sketch. A waitress at a restaurant that serves food with spam in everything repeats the word ... over and over ... until the Vikings (there are Vikings) start to sing.

Apparently that routine is somehow connected with our use of the term SPAM for all those unwanted emails, though the connection is entirely too complicated for me to follow. I think you need to be British to get it.

But I do, actually GET IT. These days seems like my computer gets served a steady diet of the stuff. But it's like body odor -- if your computer no longer had it, it would probably be dead. And Spam has been known to inspire at least one Red writer (see: Hank's PRIME TIME for a secret message in spam).

I've gotten pretty good at spotting it. So, to the spammers of the world I offer some free (FREE! FREE! FREE!) advice. If you're trying to get me to open your email:

• DO NOT send me the same message four times
• I don't know anyone named Benny, Nick, George, Paul, or Wong Yong
• And avoid these subject lines:

Hi there,
Hello there,
Hello Good News
Hey Dude!
Congratulations
Awesome Offer
Hello! This is new and fresh and everybody wants it
Free
F.REE FR.EE FRE.E
C'ash Ca'sh Cas'h
Stunning
Beautiful bold lashes
Weight Loss
Sexy Girls
Russian Brides
Final notice

Do you have advice for spammers? What tips you off? Have you been fooled??

And if you're curious about the original Monty Python sketch, you surely aren't busy enough -- here you go!

One Ringy Dingy

RHYS BOWEN: As you know, most of the Jungle Reds are at Bouchercon mystery convention this week. We had our Jungle Red game show today so I'll give you all the details in tomorrow's post. But for now I'm musing about cell phone ring tones.

 

Recently I became the last person in the civilized world to get an iPhone and one of my challenges in getting it set up was choosing the ring tone. I didn’t really like any of the ring tones that came with the phone so I went searching on iTunes for  music that would mean something special to me.

 

It turns out there are about three zillion ring tones. I am a lover of classical music so naturally I started there. Some were just too peaceful and quiet to be effective, so I opted for the opening of Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro.  The first time my phone rang I sat at my desk thinking “Oh, that’s nice music someone’s playing.”  By the time it finally dawned on me that it was my phone ringing, the caller had hung up.

 

So I started browsing in other categories. I’m a Monty Python fan. How about the theme? That was loud and jolly. But then I decided I’d feel a bit silly if my phone rang in the middle of a serious interview. So I likewise rejected a ring tone saying “We are the knights who say Ni! And we demand a phone call..”

 

I am also a Star Wars fan and I toyed with Darth Vader telling me my phone was ringing. Then I moved on to the Lord of the Rings. How about Gollum saying “Our phone is ringing, my Precious. We wants to answer it. We needs to answer it… now!”

 

No, I’d get funny looks if I was sitting in an airport with that voice coming out of my purse.

So I’m no nearer to finding the ring tone that is really ME. My daughter who is a former All-American and now owns a swim center and coaches a swim team has the Olympic Theme for her phone. My other daughter (the music composer) has special songs for her husband and each of her children. But me? I’ve gone back to the sound of an old phone ringing. At least I recognize it for what it is. Any suggestions for something better?

 

And what ring tones do you have? Have you searched out ones that are meaningful to you?

We want . . . a shrubbery

HALLIE EPHRON: In moments of duress (as in when one of us, I'm not saying who, has done something like forgotten where she parked the car), you might find me looking at my husband and saying, "Don't panic!" He'll look back at me and raise the ante with a louder: "DON'T PANIC!" And then in unison we will clutch our (respective) heads and shriek "AAAHHH!" Hopefully no one is watching.

Okay, raise your hand if you recognize the source of this snippet of movie dialogue that breaks the tension and shortcuts the finger-pointing . . .

Give up? Okay, It's from "Chicken Run" a wonderful Claymation movie from the folks who bring us Wallace and Grommitt.

Here are a few other family favorites that get hauled out on appropriate occasions:

- "They're he-re..." (Poltergeist)
- "InconCEIVable!" (The Princess Bride)
- "Do or do not. There is no 'try.' (Empire Strikes Back)
- "Snap out of it!" (Moonstruck)
- "We want . . . a shrubbery." (Monty Python)
- "Walk this way." (Young Frankenstein)

Do your family ritual include similarly silly phrases pulled out of the odd movie, TV show, or book? Share!

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh that's completely hysterical Hallie! How I wish I could see the two of you in the parking lot!

Here's the one our whole family would recognize instantly--it comes up the instant we have a concern about how much something costs.

"There's GOT to be a way to earn twenty-thousand dollars!" (The Brady Bunch movie)

And from EB White, reading The Trumpet of the Swan, when someone strikes as unusually large: "He's no canary."

Gosh, they don't sound so funny standing on their own, but we crack up every time--and it brings us right back to the first time we heard the line.

HALLIE: "He's no canary." I love it. How did I miss reading The Trumpet of the Swan. I love White's Stuart Little and Charlotte's Web.

"Some pig!"

JAN BROGAN: What a great topic, Hallie. And I love, "he's no canary." Of course, there's the ubiquitous "I'll have what she's having" from When Harry Met Sally, which we often say with a sly smile in a restaurant. And lately, since we've been so completely engrossed in Downton Abbey reruns awaiting the new episode (only two days away) we've been asking each other if we're going to "dress for dinner?"

But the term we use most is "protector hood." Somewhere in some movie, or some TV show, someone used this phrase to describe those moments when what you are watching or experiencing is so embarrassingly bad, you just want to hide under a blanket or "protector hood." My husband and I use that term frequently, as in "this is just protector hood material." And sometimes we even apply it to politics!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Along those lines, there was a moment when I knew Jonathan and I were made for each other.

It was very very early on in our "relationship." We had driven from Boston to New York, to visit his mother, I think. and in the days before GPS, we got completely lost.

We wound up somewhere in Brooklyn, some skeevy creepy part, not the fun hip part. Lost as pie.

We were under a graffiti-emblazoned overpass, deserted, at twilight, and it was terrifying.

"Four little words," I said to Jonathan. Thinking that he'd have no idea what I was talking about, and I;d have the fun of explaining.

Jonathan didn't miss a beat. "Bonfire of the Vanities," he said.

Yup. Exactly what I'd been thinking.

RHYS BOWEN: My kids and grandchildren are all Monty Python fans and my grandsons spent all of Christmas quoting lines from The Holy Grail--including "We demand... a shrubbery." And for years my kids have insulted each other with "Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled of elderberries."

But the real family catch-phrase comes from British comedienne Catherine Tate and it's a cockney girl who says "I'm not bovvered. I'm above it."

ROSEMARY HARRIS: So funny...those lines are everywhere.

When we're leaving the house it might be "Leave the gun, take the cannoli" (The Godfather). Used a lot as we are in and out of the car constantly.

Others include -
"You're not too smart, I like that in a man." (Body Heat)
"Are you talkin' to me?" (Taxi Driver)
"You think I'm funny? I amuse you?" (Good Fellas)
"He was my BOYFRIEND!" (Young Frankenstein)
"As you wish!" (Princess Bride)

Clearly these lines are useful for all occasions.

And how could I forget - "We're gonna need a bigger boat." (Jaws) Used for everything that may be too small.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: We've used many of the above. But we're bigger on movie and TV theme songs. Something scary? Jaws. Something creepy? Theme from the X-Files. Something other-wordly? Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

And Rick loves to test me on the first couple of bars of old TV themes to see how fast I can identify them. But his favorite is the them from Rawhide, with re-worked lyrics, as the dogs' favorite play-time song. "Rolling, rolling, rolling, get them doggies rolling, rawhide!"

Glad to know everyone else is as silly as we are . . .

HALLIE: Oooh, Rawhide. Was Clint Eastwood adorable as Rowdy? Which suggests yet another blog for another day.

We'd love to hear what snippets of dialogue or theme songs have taken root in your life.