DO YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Happy Saturday, everyone!

Here’s the question of the day. Why does every transaction have to have some sort of survey after it? Why does everything we do or buy suddenly require some sort of a review?

After you talk to a real person on the phone, (imagine that happening :-)) they say "would you have time to take a survey after we finish?" "Would you have time to stay on the phone and answer a few quick questions?" "Would you have time to help us with our customer support by taking a brief survey?"

I’ll tell you how I feel about taking a brief survey! Grr.

I would be much happier with the customer service if the customer service person didn’t ask me to tell about my customer service! I barely have time to tell the person about whatever it was, let alone answer take the time to some questions about how I liked telling the person about whatever it was.

Usually I’m annoyed enough having to call whoever it is to talk about whatever it was in the first place, and I certainly am not in the mood to tell you what a good job you did taking care of the thing that didn’t work in the first place.
On the other hand.

It’s not the customer service person's fault that their bosses require them to have people answer a survey.

And I will confess to you that I have asked people in the past whether those surveys make any difference--and I am told they absolutely do.

So now I am guilted into answering every single one of them, because I feel personally responsible for the employment of the people whose performance I am reviewing. I always answer them all. To make sure the people keep their jobs.

The post office, too, asks me to take a survey at the end of each transaction. First by tapping a little green smiley face on the credit card reader, and then by scanning my receipt on my phone and going to the survey via the QR code and then filling out stuff.

Now, I love my post office people! They are fabulous! And I asked them, specifically, whether filling out those forms and tapping the little green face makes a difference, and they unanimously said they did! They said post offices get closed if people don’t respond to those surveys.

So here’s where, you know me, I got worried and involved. I pointed out to them that there was no signage in the post office indicating how important those surveys were, and that it was too easy to skip them, and that they should make it clear to other customers how much difference it makes.

And, so hilarious, the next time I went into the post office there were signs up all over the place reminding people to do the survey. (I am laughing even as I type this because what a busybody I am. But hey, if it makes a difference why not?)

And then, the companies get you, too, on the phone surveys, because they’ll change the rules mid-survey. Right?

Like questions one through five will be "on a scale of one to 10 with the 1 being the highest, how satisfied are you with whatever it is." So I start tapping one, one, one, to get out of it, and then suddenly they change the question: "Now, on a scale of one to five, with five being the highest, how do you feel about whatever it is?"

So I have to completely turn my brain around. And I feel even guiltier, because what if I make a mistake and ruin someone's life? It's a TEST!

Oh my gosh, Reds and readers, do you answer those surveys? What do you think about them?

Bah Humbug!

RHYS BOWEN: Tis the season of goodwill to all men. But am I allowed to have just a little gripe?

Like everyone else I am in the middle of buying presents, and like everyone else, I buy many of them online. Easy peasy right? Remember the little verse I wrote one year:

Dashing through the web, googling sites like mad
Cyber Monday's here again there's bargains to be had

Click click here, click click there, buy it all online
Amazon and Overstock, Christmas will be fine

Click click here, click click there, bought it all online
Christmas done and packed and shipped. Have a glass of wine!

Well, it's true it is easy buying things from websites, but then comes the kicker. Immediately after I have clicked PURCHASE I get an email thanking me for my purchase and then ASKING ME TO TAKE A BRIEF SURVEY!

From time to time I succumb to one of these that claim to be TWO QUESTION SURVEYS.
I answer the two questions. Yes, the website was easy to negotiate. Yes the item was just what I wanted. But before I can hit SEND I'm directed to another page with a gazillion questions on it.

Everyone sends me a survey. I book a hotel. Survey on how was my booking experience?
I stay at the hotel. How was my hotel experience?
I take my car in for service. Survey on how was my oil changing experience?

And if I don't answer they keep on sending the surveys.
What is next? I go into the baker's and after the assistant has handed me a loaf of freshly baked bread she says, "If I could just ask you a few questions about your experience here today."
Or I come out of church and the priest is waiting outside to ask whether he fulfilled all my expectations.
Will it come to spouse or partner handing one a survey after sex? And how was it for you on a scale of one to ten?  ( Just kidding!)
Or how about that I turn the tables and survey you? How was I at my book signing today? (on a scale of 1-10) Did I smile enough? Were my jokes funny? ..
So that's one gripe.

Another is the whole matter of giving at holiday time. I give very generously all year. But every time I'm at the grocer's or Target the assistant asks "Would you like to give a dollar to the save the whales/children/redwoods/etc etc.
And when I say No Thank You she looks at me as if I'm an evil person.
Today it was the food bank. I am a year round star donor to the food bank. I get invited to their fund raising parties. An extra dollar means nothing to me but it is the principle of the thing. I come to a grocery store to buy groceries. I do not want to be tricked into giving something.

And when I do give in to my better nature and send money for Christmas cards that come from some obscure convent in the back of beyond what happens? I am deluged with cards/calendars/stickers from every convent in the universe. These Christian ladies SELL MY ADDRESS without a qualm.
I get dream catchers from every Indian school in the country because I once gave to one of them. It never ends.

So have I struck a nerve here? Or am I the only one who wants to shout Bah Humbug?