My Toughest Month

JENN McKINLAY: For those of us who have suffered tremendous loss, the anniversary of "the day" of is met with dread, sadness, surprise (that years have passed), and a whole host of other emotions too numerous to mention.

For me, I start to get sad in the beginning of May--my toughest month--and it ratchets up as "the day" draws near. On the anniversary I usually hole up in my house to mourn my person and then I try to pull out of the emotional tailspin by the end of the month, knowing that my person would expect no less of me.

This year is a particularly poignant one as it's the fifth anniversary of my greatest loss -- May 21, 2020. 

Tangentially, because of my occupation, people often ask me, "What's the best thing you've ever written?" 

Well, here it is. The eulogy I wrote in the middle of the night a week after my brother passed away unexpectedly: 

My brother was 6’6’ and he wore size 13 shoes. He had a crooked smile, a mischievous twinkle in his blue-green eyes, and he walked with a long-legged lope with his head tipped to the side as if listening to music only he could hear. His large calloused hands helped build the Boston skyline but could also tenderly cradle a baby, both were safe in his care. Despite, the amount of space he took up or maybe because of it, he went through life quietly and gently, trying not to do any harm. 

That is the one thing people tell me over and over and over again. My brother was a good man, who never had a bad word to say about anyone. Not ever. Humanity in general, sure, but individuals - no. He saw people. He observed their struggles, their pain, and he hurt for them, whether it was a cashier at the local quick mart or a person on the news on the other side of the world. It didn’t matter. He treated everyone he met with kindness and understanding. He knew life was hard. He knew that privilege and advantages were not fairly distributed in this world. He tried to help those who had less and those who struggled in any way he could even if it was just to see them, really see them, and treat them with politeness and respect for the moments their world intersected with his. 

He had a wicked sense of humor that he delivered in quick one liners that would make you laugh so hard you’d cramp. I remember being together in the hospital for one emergency or another, and I tried to lighten the mood by saying, “Hey, quality time with the fam.” He looked at me in that “are you goofy?” way he had and, in his thick Massachusetts accent, said, “More like doin’ time.” 

A magnet for children and animals, he was their chosen one and no matter where he went, the cat sat in his lap, the dog trotted beside him, and the child demanded to be picked up. I believe they knew instinctively that he was a protector. They were right.

He met his wife, the love of his life in college. From that very first day, which he described to me at the time as “getting shot in the butt by Cupid’s arrow”, Natalia Fontes was the love of his life. During our last phone call, he said, “She’s given me my thirty best years. Going to the Berkshires to celebrate. It’s a big deal. Thirty years.” They would have been married for 30 years on Sept 1st. He was a lucky man to have the love of such an amazing woman and he knew it. 

We also talked about his sons, Phoenix and Austin, on that phone call. My brother was worried about the world his sons were trying to navigate in the midst of a pandemic with coming economic insecurity and so much anger dividing the country. We tried to convince ourselves that it would be okay. It won’t be okay for me, without him, but I believe in his sons and their generation. I believe they’ll do him proud because he was the sort of man you wanted to make proud.

When I arrived to grieve with my family, I recounted the phone call I received on the day Phoenix was born (July 4th - this is important to know to understand the message). He said, “Jenn, our little firecracker has arrived. (sob) I knew I would love him (sob) but I didn’t know I would be in love with him. (sob)” I kept that message for years. Some time passed (two years) and I received another call. This was a second baby so one would think my brother would have contained himself. One would be wrong. He said, “Jenn, Austin has arrived and he’s beautiful. (sob). Now we’re a family. (sob). We were just waiting for him. (sob).” I saved that message, too, for many years. 

He was a devoted son and shared a special bond with our mother, Sue, caring for her when she was sick and giving her his strength to lean upon whenever she needed it. They were the best of friends and talked just about every day about birds and plants and all the wonders of the natural world they both loved so well. They also discussed their teams - the Bruins, the Red Sox, the Patriots, and the Celtics as he got her to be as big a fan as he was. Then, of course, there was the weather. These New Englanders do love their weather. He frequently called to tell me the weather where I live. Yes, I'm in Arizona. It's either hot or hotter but he could always tell me exactly how hot. 

He married into a crazy (in the best possible way) family. That is a direct quote from his sister-in-law, Laura, and as the oldest of Danny, Celeste, Joe and Natalia, she should know. The Fontes siblings and their wonderful mother, Maria, opened their arms to Jon and he celebrated their weddings, delighted in the nieces and nephews as they arrived, mourned their losses, and loved them as fiercely as they loved him. With his enormous heart, he welcomed my husband, Chris, and our sons into his world, loving them so much that when I called him to complain about my people, he always took their sides. Very annoying.

It is well known, that my brother and I were exceptionally close. While he is Jon to most of the world, he has always been Jed (his nickname) to me. Eleven months apart, we were Irish twins, and from the time my newborn eyes clapped onto him, he was my person. Because we were always together, our names were even blended into one JednJenny. We ran wild as children, always on the go, we loved to be outdoors, climbing trees, ice skating, bike riding, skateboarding, fishing - of course, it made him crazy that I always caught the bass while he suffered with the sunfish - still, our shenanigans were legendary, and he saved my life more times than I can count. 

As we grew up and our lives put states and time zones between us, he would often say, "No matter how many miles or hours separate us, we are always connected by an invisible cord that can never ever be broken." When he first died, I felt as if he had cut the cord and had left me, but now, now I know, that he was right. The bond we shared, the same one he shared with all those he loved, can never be broken. The cord is still there, I just don't know where the other end is right now, but I will. Someday, I will.

Was Jon a perfect man? No. But he was perfect for all of us who loved him. Godspeed, my brother. I'll see you on the other side where the beer is cold, the rock and roll is playing, your team always wins the championship, and you actually manage to catch the big one.

Thank you, Reds and Readers, for letting me share. In the comments please leave a name or story of someone you've loved and lost. The one thing I discovered after losing my brother was that sharing my grief and hearing about others' losses helped as I didn't feel so alone in my sadness. 

Hallie trades in her gray hat...

 

HALLIE EPHRON: It will come as no surprise to any of you with young kids in your life that every once in a while, when you think those kiddoes are living in their own little world, not paying the least attention to what's going on in yours, they surprise you.

That's what happened recently with my almost-9-year-old granddaughter, Franny.

She and her little brother and my daughter and her husband and my other daughter stayed with me in Florida. Just me, for the first time on vacation since Jerry died. And we had a lovely time. The kids swimming and carousing and having their fill of ice cream. Me still getting used to being alone.

On the trip, I celebrated my birthday. It's the first time in 53 years that I did not get a hand-drawn birthday card from my husband.

And I was sure all of this sailed over Franny's head. Kids are, for the most part, little narcissists. I think it's Darwinian.

Or that's what I thought until Franny made me a birthday card.

She drew the lobby of the building we stayed in -- it has a 4-story tall piece of art, and Franny captured it perfectly. She's got the palm trees in the courtyard, seen through the window, with the address 1800 over the door.

She also drew herself, and me.

Explaining her drawing, she said in it she was giving me a rainbow hat because mine was sad and gray.

Now, you tell me, has she been paying attention or what?

Hoping you have children in your life who give you rainbow hats.

Grief and Easter in the time of a Pandemic

LUCY BURDETTE: One day last week I woke up feeling horribly, deeply homesick. Although this is the time when we would ordinarily be thinking about going north for the summer, I realized that this choking sense of homesickness was not about a place, it was for the life I had before the coronavirus got a strangle hold on our world. I was feeling grief for all the things that contribute to my sense of home and purpose and well-being. 

With Easter coming up, I feel sad to miss one of my favorite services of the year– held on the beach at the Southernmost Beach resort and led by our MCC Pastor Steve Torrence. There is nothing much prettier or more hopeful than arriving in the dark and watching the sun come up with 150 other people, who are all searching for meaning. 



Of course that won’t be possible this year--one of the many bits and pieces of life that has been stripped away by the pandemic. I miss little things like walking into Books and Books or the Key West Island bookstore and browsing. Walking into Fausto’s grocery store and perusing the cheese display, without a mask on or a wad of Clorox soaked-paper towels in my pocket. No more joyous activity on the streets of Key West (a mixed blessing, as we don’t always appreciate the rude tourists and bad singing and too much drinking.) 

And trips and visits that we had planned over the summer – we won’t be going to see a show in New York City, we won’t most likely see our grandchildren in July, our friends from Key West will most likely not be visiting us as planned. Nor will I see where my great grandmother grew up in Ireland. Or visit my uncle in Michigan, who's in his nineties. 

On the other hand, I know I’m lucky. I don't live in a poor country, or in a prison, or in a nursing home. We have not been sick, our family is well, we have not lost jobs or livelihood. (And I'm trying not to parse out what is going to happen to the publishing industry and bookselling in the next couple of years.) 

I've done some reading about what psychologists are saying about grief and this virus. Not only are we are all facing individual losses, we are also losing our sense of the world around as being predictable, or just, or under our control. It helps, psychologists say, to realize that grief is a natural reaction to loss, but that most people are resilient and able to rebound. It helps to name the losses but also to recognize what strengths we’ve turned to when facing troubles in the past that we might be able to use today.

So I'm exercising quite a bit--yoga and walking--because when this improves and things get better, I want to be strong and full of energy. I'm writing the best I can because as above, when the world stops spinning so crazily, I want to be ready. I'm watching services on Facebook from both our Key West and Connecticut churches. Of course you know I'm cooking a lot and eating very well. And I'm staying in touch with people I love because I know that helps when the world looks dark. And I'm trying to notice signs of hope, signs of spring, signs of Easter. There are a lot of smart people working so hard to figure this out--I am choosing to believe they can do it. And that we can be our kindest, most grace-filled selves until that happens. (If you think I'm demented about the brilliant people, try watching an interview with Bill Gates.) 

That's it from me, Reds--here's hoping for some Easter glimmers in your lives too...we are all so grateful to have this community. How are you doing?

Sweet Smell of Success

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  It's the same every time: when I'm choosing soap or shower gel, I choose grapefruit or lemon. Or sometimes, coconut.

Roses? Melon? Not so much. 

I've worn the same fragrance for years--I still love it every time.

My favorite candles? Vanilla.  And cinnamon.

What's your favorite scent? Why do you choose it? And maybe.. there's more to it...

The Healing Power of Aromatherapy

By Chrystle Fiedler

I’ve been learning, researching and writing about natural remedies for the past decade or so. The more I learn, the more I want to know. Recently when I was researching my newest mystery, I delved into the practice of aromatherapy, which is the practice of using essential oils to improve health and well-being. Aromatherapy can ease stress, insomnia, anxiety, depression, aches and pains, and more.

It’s fascinating to discover how aromatherapy works. You see, plants produce essential oils for a variety of reasons to attract pollinators, to protect against bacterial and/or fungal invasion, to deter pests, and to inhibit other plants from growing near them. Through a process of distillation these essential oils are removed from plants.

Essential oils can be extracted from the leaves (eucalyptus), grass (lemongrass), seeds (fennel), fruit/zest (mandarin), flowers (rose), wood/trunk of tree (cedarwood), roots (ginger), resins (frankincense), and herbs (rosemary). Three of my favorite scents are lavender, jasmine and roses, so I thought I’d share a few simple tips on how to use them today.



Lavender

Not only does Lavender (the Latin verb lavare means “to wash”) smell terrific, it’s calming and soothing and good for cuts and burns, insomnia, diaper rash, tension headache, PMS and cramps (use with clary sage and Roman chamomile). The phytochemicals (plant-based chemicals linalool and linalyl acetate) in lavender are absorbed in the skin and in the membranes inside your nose, slowing nerve impulses, and reducing stress. An easy way to start using lavender is to put five to ten drops of essential oil in your bath. Add the oil after you have filled the tub so you can enjoy the full benefits of this wonderful aroma.



Jasmine


The aroma of jasmine (Jasminum officinale v. grandiflorum) is intoxicatingly sweet, exotic, and floral. It’s also incredibly therapeutic for a variety of conditions. Jasmine essential oil eases mild depression, anxiety, and tension. It also balances energy and helps you feel more optimistic. It calms coughs and laryngitis, soothes sore muscles, stiffness, and sprains. You can apply it topically, use it on a warm or cool compress, put it in the bath, inhale it from your palm, or put it in an electronic diffuser to disperse small aromatic particles into the air.



Roses






I love the rich, sweet floral bouquet of roses and the approximately 275 compounds have a myriad of therapeutic uses. For example, if you apply it topically, rose oil can help banish eczema, wrinkles, and acne. If you feel blue, rose essential oil will naturally lift your mood. If you have painful periods, it helps to balance hormones (just put the oil on a warm compress and apply to your lower abdomen). Rose oil also eases nervousness, anxiety, anger, sadness, and grief and can be helpful if you have respiratory problems such as allergies and hay fever. You also use rose oil to help you sleep better and feel happier. For all these conditions, simply put some on your palm and inhale it or put rose essential oil into a diffuser. Your bedroom will smell like an English garden.

To make an aromatic spritzer with any of these scents, just add 10 to 25 drops of essential oil per 4 ounces of water in a squirt bottle. Be sure to shake it each time before you use it.

The effectiveness of aromatherapy depends on the quality and wholeness of the essential oils you use, so it's important to use the very best essential oils possible. You'll want to avoid any synthetics, reconstructions, perfumes, and other adulterated versions. One of my favorite places for essential oils is Floracopia www.floracopia.com.

Start with one essential oil that appeals to you and see how you feel after using it. The wonderful thing about natural remedies like the practice of aromatherapy is that they are usually very safe and easy to use (don’t take internally though, and keep away from children) and the varieties are endless. Enjoy!


HANK: What's your favorite scent?  Is there any one you just can't bear? Tell us...for a chance to win a copy of Scent to Kill: A Natural Remedies Mystery!


Here’s the scoop on Scent to Kill: A Natural Remedies Mystery


Willow McQuade, naturopathic doctor, along with her hunky ex-cop boyfriend Jackson Spade, attend a party for a psychic TV show that is filming on Long Island’s idyllic East End. However, Willow is much more interested in visiting the estate’s lavender farm, seeking inspiration for the new aromatherapy workshops she'll be holding at her store, Nature’s Way Market & Café.



Before the party is over, Roger Bixby one of the producers is dead and the police suspect murder. Roger was working on the show, MJ’s Mind, with Carly Bixby, his ex-wife and the new girlfriend of Willow's ex from L.A., TV writer/producer Simon Lewis.



After Willow leaves the party, she gets a frantic text from Simon asking for her help. Since Simon had a fight with Roger earlier in the evening, and because of his death is now the primary shareholder in Galaxy films, Willow's ex becomes the prime suspect. Simon begs her to crack the case and clear him of the murder. MJ McClellan, the psychic and star of the show also asks Willow for help. She hires Willow to provide natural remedies, including aromatherapy, massage, acupuncture and yoga to soothe the agitated crew of her show.



To find the killer, Willow has to deal with ghosts in a haunted mansion, a truly dysfunctional family, death threats and “accidents,” while trying to untangle a homicide identical to one committed during prohibition. Thankfully, Jackson has been hired to provide security and is there to watch her back and help Willow solve this spooky mystery.



As a bonus, you’ll find dozens of natural aromatherapy cures throughout the book that can improve your health. I think you’ll be surprised as how much they can help you feel better in mind, body and spirit!



Chrystle Fiedler is the author of SCENT TO KILL, (Gallery Books/Simon & Schuster) the second in the NATURAL REMEDIES MYSTERY series, DEATH DROPS: A Natural Remedies Mystery, the non-fiction title THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO NATURAL REMEDIES (Alpha, 2009), co-author of BEAT SUGAR ADDICTION NOW! (Fairwinds Press, 2010), currently in its fourth printing, the BEAT SUGAR ADDICTION NOW!COOKBOOK (Fairwinds Press, 2012) and THE COUNTRY ALMANAC OF HOME REMEDIES (Fairwinds, 2011). Chrystle’s magazine articles featuring natural remedies have appeared in many national publications including Natural Health, Vegetarian Times, Better Homes & Gardens and Remedy. Visit www.chrystlefiedler.com.