RHYS BOWEN:
Since Valentine’s Day is approaching I thought I’d
write a piece about my adorable husband, who is definitely from another planet.
You’ve heard about men are from Mars, right? Mine is from a galaxy far far away…
I love him, but …..
I know what I am getting for Valentine's Day. Ten years ago when we moved into this condo he went to the dollar store and bought a heart shaped balloon and plastic roses. He gave them to me that year and every year since. Unfortunately the balloon still has not gone down. So I know he'll dust it off again.
For Christmas three of our four children gave us
Alexa. Have you seen that video of the old man and Alexa? Just like John. He addresses her like this, “Alexa, would you
please see if you can find Benny Goodman and play him for us?”
The sentence is too long and confused and she shuts
off.
We say “John, you don’t need to say please. She’s a
machine. You say Alexa, play Benny Goodman!”
But he doesn’t get machines. We were driving with the GPS in the car when we first came to Phoenix. It said “Take a left on Bell.” He wanted Greenway so he turned left on Greenway. GPS doesn’t like this.
“Make a right on 40th Street.”
He keeps on driving.
Recalculating. Turn right on 39th Street.
Recalculating. Turn right on 38th
Street. And so on. When we got to
Twentieth Street I said, “For God’s sake turn it off.”
And he said, “SHE’S GOT TO LEARN.”
ME. SCREAMING “SHE’S A MACHINE. SHE WON’T LEARN.”
You can see what I put up with! But there is more that makes me think he’s
from a different planet.
He always is
the first reader of my new books. He read the upcoming Georgie book and I’ve
written, “To quote Jane Bennett ‘how shall I bear such happiness?’ and he said WHO IS JANE BENNETT?
I’m sorry but that should be grounds for divorce.
Right above mental cruelty. It’s not as if he’s not been exposed to Jane
Bennett. The Colin Firth edition of Pride and Prejudice has played in our house
with monotonous regularity. Our granddaughters, when asked what movie I should
put on for them, always answered “Pride and Prejudice, please.” They grew up
quoting “Other way, Mr. Collins.”
But my husband, alas, has been oblivious to this. And
the other day I was watching the Princess Bride and he told me he had never
seen it and thought it silly.
Inconceivable. Again grounds for divorce.
He does have other quirks that make me think he has
not actually joined the twenty-first century. I needed cellophane to gift wrap
a basket for an auction. “You don’t need to go out,” he said. “We have
some.” And he produced… drop roll
please…. Glad wrap.
On another occasion (and I think I’ve shared this
one) I told him I would be going to some cold places on my book tour and needed
to buy some tights. “You can borrow mine,” he said.
“You wear tights?” I asked, slightly surprised
because I hadn’t noticed any signs of cross-dressing.
“Of course.”
He went to his closet and appeared with… another drum roll…a pair of
men’s long johns. The fleecy kind.
I think actually that his brain was frozen right
after World War II, either that or he really is from another planet. Or do all
men think differently? Other examples please!
