Yes. Sports. We're Talking about Sports.

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: My entire family is in the  sunroom watching soccer. They are immersed and capitaved, cheering (and groaning when appropriate) and completely engaged.

I am not connected with soccer. I don't really get it, and I know it's because I did not grow up with it.  Did you? Are you?

And that made me think about women's soccer. The adorable teenagers who live next door are avid soccer players.  And field hockey.  We did not have field hockey, either.

And that made me think of Caitlyn Clark, and her amazing abilities, and  her  incredible career. And  obstacles. And her hilarious performance of Saturday Night Live.

And that made me think of an article I read recently that said sports memorabilia for professional women athletes is a bit difficult to come by. That, by far, there's not as much merch for women athletes and women's teams available as there is for men.  Which I supposed is somehow adjusted with the understanding of how many  more means teams there are than women's.  But it does seem like someone should rectify that.

I bought a Derrick White Celtics jersey because I was so impressed by how he keeps his eye on the ball all the time, I mean, not metaphorically, but actually, and it prove how key to success that is. Just like they always told us in gym class.

(Not that it would matter since that ball wasn't coming anywhere near me.)

And now the Olympics are coming. Will you be watching? What sports in particular?

See, Reds and Readers? We're talking about SPORTS!

What do you say about that?

I Say, Good Sport

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I'm writing this sitting at an archery range. Not inside, where the shooting is going on, but in the echoing outer room, where the overflow parents sit on plastic chairs and talk about equipment and tournaments. Why, you may ask, am I here? For one reason, dear reader: I've been deeply unlucky in my children's choice of sports.

Now on one hand, I recognize my privilege. I'm not a hockey mom, who has to get up at 3:30 because the middle school players' ice time is at 4am. I'm not a swim mom, paying $$$ toward the team – I could never understand why swimming was so expensive! Surely twenty centimeters of Lycra can't cost that much. I've never had to put in hours and hours of fund-raising time like the football moms, although to be fair, I've brought in quite a few casseroles and plates of brownies and bought more than my share of candles and wrapping paper for the drama club. (Let's not even talk about the mattress sale. Dear God.)

But here's the thing: those moms at least get to watch spectator sports. Hockey and football games are exciting! I've paid good money to watch them. Basketball is fast-paced and exciting. Swimming is explosive and you get to sit in a warm, moist environment. 

My two older kids did cross country. If there's a more mind-numbing sport to watch, I can't think of it. At least with curling, you can see all the players. With cross country, you stand at the edge of a field, bundled against the growing autumnal cold, and cheer wildly as your student-athlete races off with a pack of teammates and competitors...to vanish into the woods. Then you wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, after a half hour or so, the first runners come back out of the woods, and the more determined parents start cheering again. (There are always a few so resolutely peppy and full of spirit you secretly want to key their Volvo station wagons in the parking lot.) 

They also did indoor track, and track and field, two sports that involve waiting around for interminable periods of time between races and other events. During the winter indoor track season, you try not to die of heatstroke in the arena, and in track and field you need binoculars to spot your kid because the events are spread out over an area the size of the Pentagon. Also? You never, ever know how your kid did with running sports. I would ask, “What was your time?” only to hear, “I dunno. Coach will tell me Monday.” The scoring is so arcane the officials don't know who “won” a track and field meet until two days after the event takes place. I believe they use slide rules to calculate the total points.

(The Sailor followed up cross country with rowing in college, which has a similar long, long stretch when parents are left staring at the river with no boats in sight. The bright spot is that no one judges you for drinking cherry whiskey at a regatta.) 

In the past two years, Youngest has taken up archery, a sport that combines the visual thrill of cross country with the clear, simple scoring of track and field and as an added bonus, requires upgrading some piece of equipment every three months. It's true that archery sounds exciting – Robin Hood! Merida! The wind in your hair as you fire off shot after shot! 

Needless to say, it's a little more constrained in real life. The instructor sets up the targets, then pipes a little whistle to tell the archers to take their position. Once the field is clear, the instructor pipes again. Everyone shoots three arrows. Then they all wait until the last person has shot, and when the instructor deems the field clear she pipes again and they all retrieve their arrows. This ritual, as inflexible as a Japanese tea ceremony, is of course designed to make sure no one gets an accidental arrow in the butt. However, for the patiently waiting parent...zzzzzzzz.

The targets are fifty-four feet down what looks like a bowling alley, and don't tell Youngest, but I can't make out if she shot well or not. As long as the arrow doesn't bounce off the floor, it's all the same to me. She's elated or cast down by arrows that hit a few centimeters apart, and I try to follow her lead. The tournaments are just as fast paced, with the additional bonus that the spectators must remain absolutely silent. It's like watching the chess grandmaster tournament, if the game boards were eighteen yards away and you didn't have the cultured British announcer whispering, “Karspinsky has just executed the Dunning-Kruger move!”

Oh well. At least she's not interested in riding. Right, honey? Right?

How about you, dear readers? Tell us your sports stories in the comments...

Olympic Dreams

RHYS BOWEN: Did you all watch the opening ceremony on Friday? I'm always so amused the way each country tries to outdo the previous games.  I expect I'll be glued to the telly for the next two weeks. Actually I've been getting an overdose of sports viewing ever since Wimbledon. I have been watching, in horrified fascination, American Ninja Warrior, Spartan races, Olympic trials in swimming, gymnastics and track and field. Frankly I'm absolutely exhausted. And as for those athletes--how do they do it?

When I was young I was quite athletic. I played tennis quite well. I represented my college in tennis and table tennis and netball.But our training was at most running around the field once before we started playing. Nothing like these supermen and women these days. Those ninjas who can hang on by their fingertips, those Spartans who drag one another up walls, and tiny Simone Biles who can fly through the air as if weightless. How do they do it?

 And then I realize that they spend their whole life doing it. We had tennis practice probably twice a week. No weight training, no distance training, no therapists or ice baths or anything like that. We got on a bus, drove to another school and after five minutes warm-up we played.

Now I have two granddaughters who are water polo players and swimmers. They have to be at school at 5:45 a.m. for weight training. They work out year round for their sport with land exercises, push ups as well as heaven knows how many yards swum in the pool. So it looks as if we're growing a generation of super heroes, doesn't it.

And I'm feeling very inadequate. I belong to a health club. I go and swim a bit every day. I sometimes work on the weight machines--rather gently. I hike with friends when I can. John and I walk (or rather stroll) every evening. But I watch the Olympics and think I SHOULD BE DOING MORE.

So, dear Reds and readers, do you still work out? How fit are you? Do you wish you could do more? Are we too obsessed with fitness these days?

SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: I was a figure skater when I was younger (it's cold in Buffalo — everyone skates and/or skis) and had dreams of Olympic glory — until I broke a leg and then an arm in quick succession and discovered musical theater (and boys!) in high school. It's amazing how far the sport of figure skating has come —when I was watching, it was a big deal if a woman could do a double axel and then the first triple. Now triples are the norm for women and quads for guys.

Meanwhile, Noel and Kiddo do Hapkido (a Korean martial art form) and sometimes we go to the gym together as a family. Kiddo is really into riding these days, too. I love to watch him on horseback — so thrilling!

These days I'm at the gym at least three times a week (elliptical, stationary bike, and weights) and take a weekly yoga class I love, too. After a difficult pregnancy, multiple surgeries, illnesses, and several bouts with anemia, it feels good to be in somewhat decent shape again. And I don't ever take it for granted!

HALLIE EPHRON: I don't want to talk about this. Because I am throwing away money every month on a gym membership I don't use. My exercise at this time of year is gardening (clipping bushes and pulling weeds) and walking. Not enough, I know. I promise myself, when I turn in my manuscript... You guys are making me feel like a wimp.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Hallie, I beat you, ha ha!! I'm a bigger wimp. I was never athletic at all. I did love to swim as a kid, but not in any competitive way. Horrible at sports, etc., etc. I've given up on gym memberships--I just won't do it. I do, however, love to walk, but I'm even slacking on that right now because it's too HOT. By the time I get up and do an hour's worth of watering, I just want to go in and cool off. Maybe next week...

My Fitbit does tell me that I do miles every day just on all my inside and outside chores, so I am at least burning some calories!!!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  Hey, I took beginning tennis (a one semester course) in college for THREE YEARS because I was so terrible. I had no depth perception AT ALL so any kind of sports was demoralizing and impossible.

 I ran for about a year, then my knees gave out. I took aerobic dancing, and got a stress fracture. I can kind of ice skate--but I had on music headphones and decided, inspired by hearing O Fortuna, that I could do a backwards jump. I could not. End of story.

 I don't like to go to the gym because it is too complicated--go in, change clothes, hang stuff up in a tiny locker, do something that's not fun, shower in a yucky place, have wet hair, get dressed again. I mean--why? We have a treadmill and a Nordic track in our exercise room  (spare bedroom) and I love them.  (I worry about upper body strength, though..)

 But now--I am devoted to my Fitbit, and love it, and swear by the walking exercise.

This is the last extant photo of me doing anything physical. I think I had just nailed the 200 meter butterfly. Or something.

LUCY BURDETTE: I am still annoyed that title nine came long after my time. In high school, very few girls played actual sports. We wanted to be cheerleaders! When I wasn't selected for that, I had a short stint as a highlander dancer for our schools all girl bagpipe band. I exercised on and off through my 20s, with little periods of running and lots of Jane Fonda tapes (remember those?)Then in my 30s, I decided to take tennis lessons with a friend who was also single. I caught the bug and got good enough to play USTA tennis. I also found John at a singles tennis event. Here's a photo of us before we even started dating.

Then I took up golf because he loved it, and and skiing because he and his kids loved it. I did not love it – too cold, too much clunky equipment, too high, too scary, too icy. And I hurt my knee. To this day, John insists that was my best sport!

These days I think it's super important to stay strong as we get older. So I walk (having a dog helps a lot), go to Pilates class, and go to a personal trainer for weight training. With someone else cracking the whip, I am pushed in ways I simply wouldn't do on my own. But I don't want to end up as one of those old ladies who can't get up from the toilet LOL.

RHYS: Okay, confess... who is still super fit and what fun activities can you suggest for the rest of us?

March Madness

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: March means many things to many people. "In like a lion, out like a lamb." Lent. St. Patrick's Day (also my sister's birthday! Happy Birthday, Barb!) If you're a high school junior, SAT prep classes. If you're marrying in the summer, last chance to nail down those rentals. In my household, however, March means one thing and one thing only:

NCAA College Basketball Championships.

I did not grow up a devotee of March Madness. My father is one of those rare men who has no interest in sports. When in high school, I dated a basketball player, but I met him at District Choral competition. All my college boyfriends were artsy guys who took me to experimental theatre and foreign film festivals. I had a vague tribal loyalty to Syracuse hoops, but unless I was hanging out with friends who had the game on, I never followed the season.

Then I met Ross. A Georgetown grad, on our second date he took me to a GU-Arkansas game. "Our place" was a sports bar in Georgetown with five-inch-thick burgers and TVs on every wall. I learned terms like "Big East" and "three-pointer" and "zone defense." Ever the romantic, the first gift he bought me, as we walked back to my house on a chilly March evening, was a navy-and-gray scarf. With a picture of a bulldog on it.

Reader, I married him. Since then, I've learned to love Saturday afternoons in front of the television, roars of approval that frighten the cats, and family room decor that includes a giant polystyrene finger that reads HOYA SAXA - lovingly preserved for over twenty-five years. I've learned to never assume Ross will be available without first checking the game schedule. Fortunately -- or was it planning? -- none of the children were born this month. Given the choice between the delivery room and a Final Four game, I'm not sure Ross would have gone with the kid.

How about you, Reds? Are you fans? Married to fans? Waving fans?


HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Well, I'm from Indiana. There's that. And now live in Boston. There's that. And my husband is from New York. There's that. So no way to we escape sports. Once, dear Reds, I even watched a WHOLE hockey game, and enjoyed it.

And do I get to say: What the hell's a Hoya?

JULIA: It means "What Rocks" in Latin and Greek. Don't ask me why.

HANK: As for March Madness..let me just say Jonathan and I have dueling brackets. And I'm not gonna tell you who I picked. Even though I do it by "a bear could beat an eagle" type of decision-making, as of this instant, they are still contenders. By the end of Sunday, who knows. Crossing fingers.

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh we're crazy for March Madness--but in Connecticut we're basketball crazy all year. We follow UConn women's basketball coach Geno Auriemma's recruiting efforts and start mourning the graduation of our favorite stars when they begin their sophomore years. We couldn't get over how one of our future stars, a recruit from Delaware, bailed out of the UConn machine and went home to play for Delaware. (She's making news there now--traitor.)

One year not too long after John and I were married, I cut out a full-sized photo of Geno and taped it on the wall over our bed. Honestly it took him 2 days before he noticed it, but then we laughed for days. He could understand a crush like that--after all, Geno shapes our FAMILY every year!

(PS we like watching the guys too, with Coach Calhoun, but those players rotate off the team so quickly, it's hard to get too attached.)


HALLIE EPHRON: March Madness? Not so much. Basketball games make me nervous. Too much running back and forth too fast... to put a technical spin on it. I'm more a baseball fan. I watch the first two innings of every Red Sox game and sleep through the rest.

I do have a soft spot for college hockey. My husband and my first date was a semi-finals college hockey game between Cornell and I can't remember who in New York's Madison Square Garden. I went to see a pro game a few years later and it seemed like an entirely different sport.

What I REALLY can't understand is why anyone would watch a golf game. Playing golf I can just barely get my arms around. But watching one? Can someone 'splain me that? Lucy??

JAN BROGAN - My son was a high school basketball player, so I spent a LOT of time watching him and loving it. I've also been to a lot of Celtics games, especially in the 80s, but in March, my mind turns to spring training and my true obsessions, BASEBALL. I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan and that leaves precious little time for anything else. Except tennis, which I also love to watch. So just finished with the Indian Wells tournament and waiting for the French Open... And Hallie, I don't get the watching golf either. Or Monster Trucks, for that matter.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: My father watched golf, horse racing, and football, in that order. I stuck with the horse racing. I'm with Hallie on the golf... But my daughter played both girl's softball and soccer, and in the process I fell in love with baseball. (One of these days the Texas Rangers are gonna win the Series, they really are!) I like watching soccer but have trouble keeping up with who's who. Basketball totally confuses me. I don't think I've ever even been to a basketball game. All my friends, and my daughter, are basketball crazy, so I'm sure I must be missing out.

My husband, by the way, doesn't watch any sports at all. He likes camping videos on You Tube. Go figure.

I, however, to uphold my sporting reputation, will be watching the Summer Olympics obsessively.

And the Oxford/Cambridge Boat Race. (That's rowing, as you might have guessed:-))

JULIA: Camping videos? Camping videos? And I thought "What Rocks" was strange. How about you, dear readers? Have you filled out your bracket?

JAN: So all this talk about big screen TV raises the obvious question: Why are men so much more enamored with a big television screen than women?

My husband, who installed a 5 by 9 foot projection HDTV in my family room (luckily it rolls up into the ceiling and disappears), gets just the slightest bit defensive if I comment too enthusiastically about the picture on someone else’s plasma TV. (the option not taken.)

He seems to think that this competitive element has to do with sports. And that man’s need to have a bigger, better and clearer television screen is about the contest to have the best personal arena in which to view sports.

Mike, a mild mannered superhero who lives outside a Detroit suburb, a self-described “technie” and a writer, and owner of an HDTV big-screen, sees the competition in broader terms. “Anything visual and bigger than yours appeals to all men,” he says.

I can't argue with that. But I’m wondering if, there’s any technological product that illicits the same kind of desire and/or competition among women: Best convection oven?? Doubtful. Best washing machine? Maybe in the 1950s. Best laptop?

Or do we wage our competitions in strictly non-technical ways?

The aftermath of Big Screen TV

Time has convinced me of one thing. Television is for appearing on, not looking at. ~Noel Coward

JAN: I’m not normally a visual person. Like a lot of writers, I live inside my head. But I’ve got it worse. I walk into rooms and don’t see the décor, can completely miss someone’s new haircut, and have been known to not even notice that it’s been raining all week.

But that’s only in real life.

About two years ago, my husband installed a new television. I say “installed” because it's not actually a television, but a projector screen that rolls down from the ceiling. It’s about eight feet wide and five feet tall. And we have high definition, which mean everything isn’t just large, it’s crystal clear.

And this is changing me. And not for the better, either. In fact, I’m slowly becoming the most superficial person on the planet. I find myself watching a really educational, thought-provoking PBS documentary, with this takeaway: What's with the bad teeth? Aren’t PBS academic experts educated about orthodontia, too? Are they chosen for their bad teeth? Is that a sign of intellectualism?

It’s not just PBS specials. I now notice everything, everywhere. I notice that in the Coors commercial where they catch the “cold train,” every single person spilling out of the office building is uniformly attractive. No one stands out, but no one is below that American standard.

It's as if youth, perfect, but unexciting features and a flawless complexion were part of the occupancy permit for the building they are fleeing.

But worst is baseball. Probably because the game is so slow and because I’ve watched pretty much every single Red Sox game, I’ve actually ranked the players in terms of attractiveness. Two categories: position players and pitchers. Adjusted as players are traded or put on the DL. And this is pure HD superficiality. No bias: the ranking does not correlate to my favorite players.
So this is my question: Am I the only one out there being corrupted by big screen HD television, or has anyone else noticed that they are noticing what should go unnoticed?

HALLIE: Well, I do love to be petty, so if I HAD a large screen TV, I’m sure I’d be counting zits along with you, Jan.

But I was the last person in Massachusetts to get…a tape deck, a CD player, a video player, a DVD player, a microwave oven, a cell phone (and I still have my first which is now an antique at 8 years old)…so it should come as no surprise that I do not have HDTV. A) I’m cheap, and B) the 18”-TV we have works fine and C) I do not want to dedicate a room in my smallish house to watching the tube (have you noticed, those things are seriously BIG).

When my friends George and Barbara got an HDTV, they had us over to watch football in high def (see, I do know the lingo) and George kept switching back to regular to say “See how amazing the detail is?” I saw, but I confess I didn’t get why that was so great. But then, I can't tell a good sound system from a crummy one, either.

Just drove by where they’re tearing down the multiplex cinema in that’s been in Dedham for decades. Certainly movie theaters and the whole experience of seeing a movie with a community of viewers is a casualty of those massive home entertainment systems.

RO: I'm the wrong person to ask...I still have a manual lawn mower.I don't have HDTV either. I have a big old tv from 12 yrs ago that works fine and is huge so I get that movie theatre feel. (We watched No Country for Old Men last night and I saw quite enough of Javier Barden's psycho face thank you very much.)People ALWAYS say it's great for sports...does it make the balls any bigger?

JAN: I hate to admit it, but the big TV is really great for sports. You can see the ball, the tatoos, the rivulets of sweat. You also get well acquainted with the faces of season fans who sit behind home plate and start to notice when someone is a no-show. But as far as movies go, I can get equally drawn into the story on the big screen or a tiny 18-inch with marginal reception.

ROBERTA: Obviously, you have a group of techno-phobes here Jan! My husband and I have been arguing this one for the last year. All his buddies watch sports on enormous HDTV screens and he wants one too. In fact, he says everyone's got to change over come the end of the year. (Is that even true?) In our case, it would require ripping out the custom-built bookshelves with the perfectly-sized TV cubby. So I'm holding out--I can be just as shallow as the next girl and who needs more of that?

HANK: Yeah, I'm all about TV, and we don't have hi def either. (We do, however, go to our best pals' house next door and watch sports on HD. And it's--amazing. I love it.) (And ha ha, Ro.)
But listen gang, soon I've gotta see my face on it. But here's what I'm hoping. Everyone says TV adds ten pounds and ten years. And it does. But HD doesn't. So we're all buying dermablend make-up (ultra-coverage but sheer), and crossing our fingers.

(So Jan, you're saying you now judge people on TV by how they look? Ha. Most people have been doing that for years. Just read Prime Time.)

Roberta, nope, tell your (adorable) husband you do NOT have to change to HD! Thing is, next February, we all have to switch to digital tv. But most people won't have to do anything. And if you do, it can be free. I'm doing a story about it right now, so I do know the scoop. Any questions?