On Friendship

Lucy with old friends

LUCY BURDETTE: We had an interesting conversation in the comment section a couple of weeks ago about friends and decided it it was worth its own blog. Here’s the quote that started it, from Vox: "Humans have a limit on how many deep friendships they’re able to sustain. In the 1990s, evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar published a study claiming that humans can cognitively handle up to 150 meaningful social relationships (which includes family and friends) at any point, colloquially known as Dunbar’s Number. Not all 150 contacts are created equally, though. Out of dozens of connections, the number of close friendships people have, Dunbar found, is five. Similarly, a 2020 study found that having three to five close friends is enough to feel fulfilled."

I find that there are only a finite number of people that I can keep up with in a close way. Another article in Psych Central said that most people report having between three and nine close friends. 

Lucy's oldest and dearest friend

On the other hand, our Internet lives make all this more complicated. For example, look at Facebook: the number and photos of our “friends” are listed for everyone to see. Does it make you a better or more likable person if you have 3000 friends on Facebook versus 300? Can a person possibly keep up with 3000 friends? We adore our friends on Jungle Red Writers and count on all of you. But are new friends the same as friends we grew up with? The questions are endless.

The subject of friends is very important to the characters in my books, as well. In my upcoming contemporary fiction, THE INGREDIENTS OF HAPPINESS, each chapter begins with a quote that is taken from Cooper Hunziker‘s pop psych book on happiness. Here’s one from chapter twenty-two: 

Dr Ed Diener’s research on teenagers found that students with the highest levels of happiness and the fewest signs of depression had strong ties to friends and family and a strong commitment to spending time with them. In other words, meaningful relationships change lives for the better. 

From The Happiness Connection by Cooper Hunziker, PhD 

Cooper knows how important happiness is, and that friendship is a big part of it, but she’s having difficulty with that in her own life. She’s just moved across the country, which means both her boyfriend and her best friend live in California to her New Haven. And who can she trust in her new job as assistant professor at Yale when everybody is scrambling for the same prestigious position? She envies what appears to be the easy warm friendship between the women in the happiness self-help group she is co-leading.

Hayley, Snow, on the other hand, food critic in the upcoming A CLUE IN THE CRUMBS, is much more settled. She loves her husband, she lives next-door to her best friend, she’s developed a warm friendship with her mother and stepfather. For her, friends are the staff of life, along with bread! A number of pre-publication reviews have mentioned that readers particularly love the friendships between Hayley, Miss Gloria, and the visiting Scottish scone sisters. I love this so much!

Over to you Reds, with lots of possible questions to discuss. Take your pick! What do you think about that 150 number of meaningful contacts we’re capable of? How about close friendships? The effects of Facebook and other social media? Can you think of books you loved because of their depiction of friendship?

A Friend-Blessed Life By Laura Bradford

Jenn McKinlay: I was lucky enough to get an advance look at our guest Laura Bradford's brand new book and it is exceptional!!! Clever, fun, original, and a heck of a mystery. I can't recommend A Plus One for Murder enough! But here's Laura to tell us more about what inspired it.

 

BUY NOW!

Laura Bradford: As the granddaughter of Irish immigrants, I grew up on Irish blessings, some by way of pictures and artwork on the walls of my grandparents’ apartment, and some via their thick Irish brogues.

 

While I don’t necessarily remember every single line of every single blessing they ever shared with me, I do remember the feeling of hope they always gave me.

 

These days, I find my thoughts often revisiting one particular line in one particular blessing for both the truth it’s been in my life thus far, as well as the promise it holds for the future. 

 

May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you may roam.

 

As I write this post, I am poised to move for the tenth time. In fact, by the time you’re actually reading this, I’ll be unboxing the physical contents of my life thus far, and finding new places for everything in what will be my forever home. 

 

There will, of course, be the usual suspects. The kitchen gadgetry… The clothes… The board games… The beloved books (quick side bar here: I have built-in book shelves everywhere!)… But there will also be countless pictures and keepsakes from so, so many good and faithful friends I’ve made in my many moves—living, breathing manifestations of that Irish blessing who have claimed a piece of my heart and blessed my life in innumerable ways.

 

May good and faithful friends be yours wherever you many roam.

 

Yes, those words, uttered by my grandparents so many years ago, have proven true time and time again in my life. And I know they will prove true again as I prepare to set down roots in my new home. 

 

I’ve been blessed. I am blessed. And I know I will be blessed again. Because I believe in friendship. I believe in its power to heal, to nurture, to grow, to ground, and, most importantly, to make life infinitely more fun.

 

It’s why, at the core of everything I write—including my new A Friend for Hire Mysteries—you’ll find one common denominator: friendship. Everyone needs it. In some form or another.

 

After all, who else is going to help you bury that body? Or help clear your name when the next door neighbor’s dog digs it back up?

 

 

Jungle Red Question:  Tell us about one of your friends; how did you meet and why you’re blessed to have them in your life?

 

 

***

 

About A Plus One for Murder, the debut book in Laura’s new A Friend for Hire Mysteries:

 

 

Emma Westlake has always wanted to be in business for herself. As a kid, she had her own successful lemonade stand and dog-walking business. And when she entered adulthood, Emma sunk all her cash into her dream job of travel planning. But as her customers became more and more internet savvy, the need for her services declined. At a loss for what to do next, she turns to an elderly friend who suggests she try to get paid for doing something she's really good at--being a paid companion. Emma thinks it's a crazy idea until requests start pouring in. Big Max from down the block wants her to act as his wingman at the local senior center's upcoming dance, nurse practitioner Stephanie needs a workout partner, and writer Brian Hill asks Emma to be his cheering section at an open mic night.

Brian will be reading from his latest work and wants to know someone will clap for him when he's done. When Emma balks at the notion that people wouldn't, he tells her the room will be filled with people he's invited--most of whom will likely want him dead by the time he's done reading. Assuming he's joking, she laughs. But when Brian steps up to the mic and clears his throat to speak, he promptly drops dead. Emma is one of the last people to see him alive, and so she becomes an immediate suspect. Now she'll have to cozy up to a killer to save her skin and her new business.

 

 

 

Bio:

 

While spending a rainy afternoon at a friend’s house as a child, Laura Bradford fell in love with writing over a stack of blank paper, a box of crayons, and a freshly sharpened number-two pencil. From that moment forward, she never wanted to do or be anything else. Today, Laura is the USA Today bestselling author of both mysteries and women’s fiction. 

Her mystery series include: the Amish Mysteries, the Emergency Dessert Squad Mysteries, the Tobi Tobias Mysteries, the Southern Sewing Circle Mysteries (written as Elizabeth Lynn Casey), and the new A Friend for Hire Mysteries. To learn more about Laura and/or her books, visit her website: laurabradford.com.

You've Got a Friend in Me by Sandy Manning

Jenn McKinlay: Good morning, everyone. Our good friend Sandy Manning is back to talk about her latest thriller novel, featuring Kolya Petrov, entitled Nerve Attack. Welcome, Sandy!

BUY NOW

S. Lee Manning: When I started writing my latest novel, Nerve Attack, I had to figure out a way to get my series protagonist, Kolya Petrov - whose agency had betrayed him, setting him up to be kidnapped and tortured - back into the spy game. After all, why would he go back to working for people who had shown such a lack of concern for his life and the life of his fiancee? Yes, he's the kind of person who would feel responsible for preventing the deaths of innocent people, but he's also pretty pissed off after the events of Trojan Horse my award winning debut novel. There would have to be a situation that required his personal involvement to prevent mass casualties, a situation that no other agent could handle. 

 

I considered various options before deciding to use Kolya's relationship with Dmitri, his childhood best friend but whom he'd put in prison ten years earlier, as the plot mechanism.  What if Dmitri, who appeared in Kolya's dreams and hallucinations in Trojan Horse, had information that could prevent a terror attack but refused to work with anyone but Kolya? 

 

That choice - using Kolya's tenuous relationship with someone who had been like a brother - made the book. Through their relationship, I could delve into the characters' backgrounds, into their conflicting loyalties, and into the nature of friendship. I'd say more - but I don't want to reveal too much.  

 

One critic, who gave Nerve Attack a five-star rating on Readers' Favorites, direct messaged me to say how after finishing the book, he couldn't stop thinking about Kolya and Dmitri - how their relationship brought both of the characters to life.

 

So how important are friendships in real life?

 

We don't talk as much about the importance of friends as we do about the importance of lovers, and of families, but friends have an enormous influence on our lives.

 

Friends are how we take our first steps away from our parents. Friends, especially when we are young, shape our values and our worldviews. I have read that soldiers who risk their lives in battle often do so more to protect the fellow soldiers in their unit than out of abstract patriotism. But as we get older, involved in careers and raising families, we sometimes have to let something go. All too often - it's friendships.

 

I know that it happened with me. Busy with children and my job as an attorney, I lost touch with so many people.

 

Now, in my post child rearing, post law career life, I am rediscovering the joys of friendship. I have looked up and reconnected with friends from my younger years. My best friend from my teen years and I talk every two weeks, and we've met a few times here in Vermont. I regularly call one of my close friends from the University of Chicago, where I earned my M.A. in English. And I've started chatting periodically with another friend from my time working as a deputy attorney general for the State of New Jersey. There is something so deeply satisfying in reestablishing a relationship with friends who knew me as a young woman.

 

But I've also made new friends, now that I'm part of the writing world. Back in pre-pandemic days, I met people at conferences who have become some of my closest friends. I have wonderful friends in Florida whom Jim and I met while volunteering on a political campaign. I've connected with people on Facebook. And, oddly, as an Encircle Publication author, one of the side benefits is that I've developed a deep bond with other Encircle writers, with whom I meet at a virtual cocktail hour once a week.

 

Maintaining friendships in the midst of a pandemic was not been as difficult as I would have thought. Through the magic of zoom, I could see my friends' faces. Telephones still worked. As did email and Facebook. In some ways, the pandemic made keeping in touch easier. People were generally home. And, the pandemic meant talking to friends had never been more important. When the stress and the isolation would start to get to me - I could touch base with friends experiencing the same thing.

 

Time is still an issue. I am a working writer, with deadlines, with marketing pressures. I have a great husband, grown kids, and a very demanding Tonkinese cat. But even so, even with time pressures, I'm not cutting out my friendships again. My friends make my life so much richer.

 

Maybe that's why friendship became such a central theme in Nerve Attack, why the friendship between Kolya and Dmitri strikes such a chord with so many people.

 

How about you? How important are your friendships?

S. Lee Manning

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reach Out and Touch Someone

INGRID THOFT

Earlier this week, my husband called from the car during his commute to say that our friend Jonathan had just been interviewed on NPR.  It’s not unusual for him to be on NPR or TV news shows in an expert capacity, but as I brought up the interview on the web, I realized it had been over a year since I’d been in touch with Jonathan.

We’re not the kind of friends who talk every day, every week, or even every month, but a year?  That’s way too long.  I’m busy, and he’s busy, and the world is chaotic right now, but that’s all the more reason to reach out to our friends and family, even if it’s just a quick text or private message on social media.

So I’m challenging everyone today.  If you’ve been thinking, “I really need to be in touch with so-and-so,” today is the day.  Who is that person, and can you reach out to them before another day begins?

DEBORAH CROMBIE: What a great idea, Ingrid. I've been really bad at keeping up with people this year, especially my dear friends on the other side of the Pond. So I'm happy to report that in the last couple of days I've made plans to see many of my UK friends (when I'm not writing, of course!) You are so right—we need those connections now more than ever.

HALLIE EPHRON: This is why I love Facebook—it's easy (and so non-invasive) to refresh a contact with friends who hang out there. And I was just thinking about Christmas cards, and the time may be right for reviving my habit of sending them.

JENN McKINLAY: A couple of years ago, I made a New Year's resolution to have lunch/coffee/dinner with every friend I'd lost track of and I did. It was lovely but...life. I have come to accept that I can't hang on to everyone so I've lost touch with a few friends. Now I randomly text people when they pop into my head. It's the best I can do at the moment and it works because it's the best most of my friends can do as well. When did we all become so busy?

RHYS BOWEN: This is so true! While I'm great at keeping in touch with family, I realize I have dear friends whom I should call more often. I'm so glad when I do call them or see them in person but life seems so busy that I forget how important people are to me. That's one of the reasons I'm so grateful to be part of JRW. At least I talk to you ladies every week!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Ingrid, this is so increasingly important to me. Seems as if our lives are going by so quickly, and there’s no time, and we figure, oh, I’ll catch up with that person soon. And soon never comes. I always think about how semi-complicated it is to keep friendships strong—even conversations, well-meaning and affectionate as they are, are so brief and shallow. Sometimes, after a dinner or party or whatever, I’ll say to Jonathan, “Did anyone talk about anything real?” But those kinds of conversations are not instant, and only can come with care and time and attention.  And I am as guilty as anyone of having my life go by so fast that those connections falter.  Yes, yes, I promise to do better. Thank you, dear Ingrid. You are so wise.

It's your turn.  Who are you going to be in touch with today?

Judy, who loved Replique perfume, you've won a copy of Ellen Byron's new book.  Send me your mailing address at ingrid@ingridthoft.com.

An Old Friend

INGRID THOFT

During a recent visit to Boston, an old friend reached out to me via Facebook.  I hadn't seen him in over ten years, but we've kept in touch and made a plan to meet for breakfast.

My friend and I first met when I worked at Harvard and was in charge of the human resources website.  The site was in need of a major overhaul (this was in 1999), and I selected his firm from the contenders.  I loved the work that the company did, and I loved the team that did it.  They were a funny, smart, and talented group, lead by my friend, and once the work stopped, he and I would have the occasional meal or coffee while I lived in the Boston area.

My husband and I eventually moved to Seattle, but my friend and I stayed connected, and when I met him for a breakfast a few weeks ago, it was as if the intervening decade hadn't happened.  We fell into easy conservation about his daughter's gymnastic accomplishments and my underwater adventures.  He talked about his newfound love for running marathons, and I updated him on the world of publishing.  Although we caught up on the past, more of our conversation was about the present and the future, and perhaps that's the key to this kind of friendship:  An excitement in learning what comes next for the other person.


This friend is not the only person with whom I feel an affection and connection that isn't dependent upon proximity or frequency of visits.  My closest friend from college could walk in the door, and I guarantee within ten minutes, we'd be lounging on the couch talking about anything and everything.  Some people just click, and it's a gift when circumstances put you in each other's universes.

What about you?  Do you have any friends like that?  Do the years melt away when you reunite?

An Unexpected Gift

INGRID THOFT
I recently arrived home after a week away to find a brown paper package among the bills and catalogs in my collected mail.  I opened it to find a small book—the kind with a textured cover and heavy pages—from a friend.

"The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating" by Elisabeth Tova Bailey follows the author's recuperation from a serious illness and the companionship she finds in a wild snail.  Initially, the snail lives in a potted plant on her bedside table, but eventually, her health aide creates a terrarium in which he can roam around, snooze, drink from a tiny puddle, and munch on his meals, which, it turns out, he does rather loudly.

The beauty and grace of Tova Bailey's relationship with the snail is that it transforms her experience of being bedridden.  She's physically unable to venture outside or even take a brief walk to her window, but the snail provides a world in which she sees life and change.  This small world gives her hope and reassurance that even when she feels she is stuck—which is how illness and recuperation often feel—she continues to change and participate in the world around her, if only in a small way.  I haven't finished reading the book yet so I'm not sure how their relationship ends, but the lesson of slowing down and accepting nature's clock is a valuable one.

The friend who sent me the book is my junior high school English teacher, who has been an amazing cheerleader of my writing career.  Recently, her brother passed away from cancer, and she told me that toward the end of his life, she would often read "The Sound of a Snail Eating" to him.  It was an activity that brought them both comfort during an exceedingly difficult time.  She was one of my first writing teachers, and I'm tickled that she is still teaching me.

Have you received an unexpected gift that was particularly meaningful?  Do you give a gift that offers the recipient wisdom and comfort?

Kendel Lynn: Making Genuine Connections

SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: Welcome Kendel Lynn and congrats on that Agatha Award Nomination for Best First Novel for BOARD STIFF! And also on the publication of the sequel, WHACK JOB. The pub date was May 13, so it made its debut at Malice Domestic along with Kendal — a usually solitary writer who had reservations about spending so much time with people.


But at Malice, they're Mystery People — they're "our" people. 

(My favorite quote of Kendel's from this post is: "a good friend is someone who will help you move, a great friend is someone who will help you move the body." Amen, right? And can we get this on a tee-shirt and/or a coffee mug?)

And now here's Kendel, talking about Malice, comfort zones, and friends.

KENDEL LYNN: Returning from a weekend 
at Malice Domestic, I’m afloat with memories, 
inspiration, and a book filled with notes to self. I think I’m like most writers in that I’m more comfortable spending my time tucked up in my room, snuggled in pjs, reading, writing, watching tv, staring at the ceiling – anything other than three solid days networking with semi-strangers. And by solid, I mean from a 7:30 a.m. breakfast until swigging the last cocktail near midnight. Three. Days. Straight.

But there’s something magical and lovely  and personal about connecting with your own people. The ones who also would rather be tucked away in a corner. And that’s why we do it. Why we take the risk, push ourselves outside our comfort zone, stretch our social abilities. Because these connections matter.

After a hard day of mean girls in high school, a friend’s mother gave me a snippet of wisdom I’ve carried with me to this day: not everyone will like you. How liberating! To know that on my very best day, with my very best self, some people just won’t like me. And vice versa. That girl at school who every single person likes and I can’t stand, it’s okay. Not everyone will like her, either. I was probably the lone holdout.

The point: You don’t need everyone to like you, because not everyone will. You just need to be yourself. Be genuine, and you’ll end up connecting with those who “get” you. Your humor, your writing style, your totally adorable orange shoes.

In this time of cyberspace domination, it’s easy to connect with online. But connections become so much more meaningful when we spend time face to face. A hug, a laugh, a disappointment, a hot beverage. Those moments elevate a connection to a friendship. 

Most will be of the share a comfortable meal sort, some will be of the stay up late and swap stories sort, and maybe you’ll find that rarest of sorts, the one who knows the story of your divorce or who helped you break into a closed amusement park so you could get a picture of the very spot where you met one of your first loves. 

As was shared at Malice: a good friend is someone who will help you move, a great friend is someone who will help you move the body.

I made some of my strongest connections because of Sisters in Crime, 
specifically the Guppies. I reached out five years ago to the group and asked if anyone would read my first chapter and offer suggestions/ feedback. I was nervous to put myself out there, but I did it anyway. 

I received over fifteen responses, including one from Jungle Reds very own Hank Phillippi Ryan, who emailed me to ask for my phone number. She called with encouragement and advice and I’ll remember that day forever. 

Another connection: I met my closest, dearest, move the body bff, Diane Vallere, who still inspires me and impresses me and amazes me. Those fifteen generous Guppy connections helped strengthen my debut mystery, BOARD STIFF, which was an Agatha Award nominee for Best First Novel this past weekend (like how I worked that in?). 

Another note to self: A thank you to Grace Topping. She introduced herself to me at Malice as one of those fifteen readers. She again congratulated me after the banquet, even though I didn’t take home the teapot. I enjoyed spending time with her and was able to thank her in person (and then let her know that maybe next time when critiquing, she should do a better job…)

So my advice: Make the connection, and then meet the person. I’m grateful for my connections and for my friendships. I go into this knowing that not everyone will like me. And I’m okay with that. I don’t want to miss a chance at a genuine connection by trying to be something I’m not. I try to be kind, be friendly, but most of all, be myself.  




SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: Reds and lovely readers — do you go to conventions? 

Do you like meeting people and making new friends — or would you rather be reading at home in your PJs? (No judgement here...) 

Is it hard to do and then you're glad you did it afterward (raises hand) or is it something you look forward to and relish?

And, in big crowds, how do you make genuine connections?

About Kendel Lynn:

Combining my fifteen years of entrepreneurial savvy with my ten years of designing, writing, and editorial experience, I launched Henery Press, an independent publishing house for mysteries — and I’m loving it!  I’m a girl blessed.

My debut novel, Board Stiff (Henery Press, April 2013), won several literary competitions, including the Zola Award for Mystery/Suspense. For a sneak peek into Elliott Lisbon, my not-quite-so-amateur sleuth, check out the prequel novella, Switch Back in Other People’s Baggage, where she encounters murder and mayhem in the land of Texas barbecue.

Read more about Kendel Lynn at her website, follow her on Twitter, and add her on Facebook.

The Ancient and Honorable Order of Detectionists

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING:  Yesterday's guest blogger, Val McDermid, used a wonderful word in her description of the camaraderie that exist among crime fiction writers: clubbable. That word caught me, because it seems so true for both those inside and outside the peculiar fraternity of authors.

Before I had ever finished writing my first novel, back when getting published as a pipe dream on par with winning the Maine Megabucks, I used to go to libraries to hear mystery authors speak. (This was in the dawn of the internet age, children, when Twitter was something birds do and face book was what you got when you fell asleep reading in bed.) I would listen to them discuss their craft and their experiences, and laugh with one another, and think how do I get into that club? I would shyly thrust a book towards this writer or that for signature, but I never stayed to chat. I always figured it would be an imposition on the august personages of the Published Authors.

Then a funny thing happened. I won a prize, and had my first novel put under contract, and then a second. Emboldened by my status as a soon-to-be-Published Author, I screwed up my courage to ask the next author visiting Portland, Marcia Talley, to have a coffee with me after her library appearance. Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was a human being, just like me. Our "one coffee" turned into a three-hour gabfest, and I still count Marcia as one of my great friends in the mystery world. The same thing happened when I visited my first Malice Domestic convention that spring. Authors would talk with me! Waiting for the elevator, on the escalator, at dinner, at the bar: indeed, it began to seem like the issue was going to be getting enough non-talking time to sleep and phone home.

I came to realize that, while its true crime fiction writers get along remarkably well with each other, they also, by and large, are ready to get along with anyone who loves reading, writing, or drinking (yes, sometimes those stereotypes are true.) There hadn't been any bar or admissions test back when I was still unknown and unpublished. I could have walked through the club doors simply by asking.

It's still winter, but the conference and convention season - The Edgars Symposium, Malice Domestic, Left Coast Crime, Bouchercon, Crime Bake and dozens of other book festivals and celebrations - will be upon us before we know it. If you go, remember: we mystery authors really are a clubbable bunch. And whether you're a reader, or just someone who likes thinking about murder, we'd love to have you join the club.

How about you, Reds? Do you recall the moment you realized you'd gotten your membership card in the Ancient and Honorable Order of Detectionists?

RHYS BOWEN: I remember it very well and was blown away at the time. My first Bouchercon (the world mystery convention) and I knew exactly two people. I was chatting with one of them when a noisy group joined us. I stood listening to their conversation as they decided where they were going to dinner. Then one of them turned me to and said, "Are you coming?"  It was Jeffry Deaver and I've never forgotten how special that made me feel.

Being part of the club is one of the biggest perks of the field. I love going to conventions and hanging out with good friends, laughing late into the night, making up spontaneous groups for meals. I love keeping up with friends online, bouncing ideas off them, feeling their support. And I have to say that Val was one of those lofty writers at the top of the tree who made me feel welcome the first time I met her and has been a good friend ever since (so much so that I was in her back-up group when she sang at Bouchercon!)

LUCY BURDETTE: I can clearly remember the two conventions I attended before I was anywhere near published--Left Coast Crime in Arizona and Bouchercon in Milwaukee (I think that's right.) Those two events were absolutely excruciating as I'm quite shy when I don't know anyone. Over time I've met hundreds of writers and readers and count so many as friends. I love going to conventions now (especially smaller ones) and getting the chance to catch up with good pals in person. On a different note, it was so much fun to meet Red Deborah Crombie last weekend in Dallas--after all the yakking we've been doing on this blog, it felt like I'd known her forever!

Bottom line--say hi when you see us around--as Julia says, we love our friends in the mystery world, online and off!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  Oh, what a wonderful question. (And I just saw Val at ALA...stood in a looooong line to get her book! I'm such a fan.)

Anyway. When did I know. Hmm. I burst into tears at the Agatha nomination for Prime Time. Being interviewed by Margaret Maron. Getting a letter, via real mail, written by Sue Grafton. But you know--here's the thing. I was in the post office--the JFK Branch at Government Center in Boston.

A woman came up to me, and said, are you Hank Phillippi Ryan? I'm a TV reporter, have been for 30 years, so I'm used to being recognized. (and thrilled, every time.) So I said yes, thank you and...She interrupted me. I'm reading your book! And I love it, she said. And she pulled FACE TIME from her purse. Will you sign it for me, she asked?

I melted. And that's when I thought--all those authors I revere (and Julia, and Rhys, and Hallie and Jan and Debs and Ro and Lucy, you are among them!) some people think of me that way, too. Oh.  Life-changing.

HALLIE EPHRON: My first book did not get awards (though my new one COME AND FIND ME was just nominated for the Mary Higgins Clark award -- WHOOPEE!) and I hadn't even the good sense at the point to belong to SinC or MWA. So my first conferences were excruciating.

My first Bouchercon in Denver reminded me of a wedding I once went to. Alone. Chinese friends were getting married, and everyone there was 'family' and they were all speaking Chinese. I ended up standing in the corner, smiling and nodding and sweating. I was halfway through eating a bao when I realized I was eating the paper wrapping.

So at every conference I just go up to people who look lost and alone and strike up a conversation. Makes me smile. Makes them smile. Keeps them from eating the wrapper.

DEBORAH CROMBIE:  Hallie, too funny!  But yes.  Oh my god, the first Bouchercon I went to, a few months before I sold my first book--what a memory.  I knew a few people from my Texas MWA group, and they were very nice to me, but still--there were all these famous authors and I couldn't imagine TALKING to them.  I was so overwhelmed by everything. Then, I was waiting outside the hotel for a shuttle, and Jonathan Gash came up to me and asked me how I was doing and if I was enjoying myself.  He didn't know me from Adam, he was just being kind.  I've never forgotten it, and like Hallie, I try to talk to people at conferences who look a little lost.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: This was a no-brainer for me. My first conference as a published writer, Love is Murder 2008.  First of all, there was a stack of Pushing Up Daisies - I'd never seen one out in public before and it was two weeks before the official pub date so I hadn't expected it to be there. Then, I was in a session Jon Jordan was leading on How to Do LIM (or something like that) and he recognized me and said my name to the group - and a librarian in the audience, the wonderful Monique Flasch from Glenview, said "Are you Rosemary Harris?"  Third wonderful thing that weekend - Lee Child bought a copy of my book and asked me to sign it! Made me love Lee, LIM, Chicago and even snow that whole weekend!!

How about you, dear Reader? Do you feel like you're part of the club? Has there been a particular author (like Jeffry Deaver for Rhys or Jonathan Gash for Deb) who has made you welcome? Or have you run into another book lover (like Ro's Monique Flasch or Hank's Post Office admirer) who opened the door for you?