Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Kendel Lynn: Making Genuine Connections



SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: Welcome Kendel Lynn and congrats on that Agatha Award Nomination for Best First Novel for BOARD STIFF! And also on the publication of the sequel, WHACK JOB. The pub date was May 13, so it made its debut at Malice Domestic along with Kendal — a usually solitary writer who had reservations about spending so much time with people.


But at Malice, they're Mystery People — they're "our" people. 

(My favorite quote of Kendel's from this post is: "a good friend is someone who will help you move, a great friend is someone who will help you move the body." Amen, right? And can we get this on a tee-shirt and/or a coffee mug?)

And now here's Kendel, talking about Malice, comfort zones, and friends.



KENDEL LYNN: Returning from a weekend 
at Malice Domestic, I’m afloat with memories, 
inspiration, and a book filled with notes to self. I think I’m like most writers in that I’m more comfortable spending my time tucked up in my room, snuggled in pjs, reading, writing, watching tv, staring at the ceiling – anything other than three solid days networking with semi-strangers. And by solid, I mean from a 7:30 a.m. breakfast until swigging the last cocktail near midnight. Three. Days. Straight.

But there’s something magical and lovely  and personal about connecting with your own people. The ones who also would rather be tucked away in a corner. And that’s why we do it. Why we take the risk, push ourselves outside our comfort zone, stretch our social abilities. Because these connections matter.

After a hard day of mean girls in high school, a friend’s mother gave me a snippet of wisdom I’ve carried with me to this day: not everyone will like you. How liberating! To know that on my very best day, with my very best self, some people just won’t like me. And vice versa. That girl at school who every single person likes and I can’t stand, it’s okay. Not everyone will like her, either. I was probably the lone holdout.

The point: You don’t need everyone to like you, because not everyone will. You just need to be yourself. Be genuine, and you’ll end up connecting with those who “get” you. Your humor, your writing style, your totally adorable orange shoes.

In this time of cyberspace domination, it’s easy to connect with online. But connections become so much more meaningful when we spend time face to face. A hug, a laugh, a disappointment, a hot beverage. Those moments elevate a connection to a friendship. 

Most will be of the share a comfortable meal sort, some will be of the stay up late and swap stories sort, and maybe you’ll find that rarest of sorts, the one who knows the story of your divorce or who helped you break into a closed amusement park so you could get a picture of the very spot where you met one of your first loves. 

As was shared at Malice: a good friend is someone who will help you move, a great friend is someone who will help you move the body.







I made some of my strongest connections because of Sisters in Crime, 
specifically the Guppies. I reached out five years ago to the group and asked if anyone would read my first chapter and offer suggestions/ feedback. I was nervous to put myself out there, but I did it anyway. 

I received over fifteen responses, including one from Jungle Reds very own Hank Phillippi Ryan, who emailed me to ask for my phone number. She called with encouragement and advice and I’ll remember that day forever. 

Another connection: I met my closest, dearest, move the body bff, Diane Vallere, who still inspires me and impresses me and amazes me. Those fifteen generous Guppy connections helped strengthen my debut mystery, BOARD STIFF, which was an Agatha Award nominee for Best First Novel this past weekend (like how I worked that in?). 

Another note to self: A thank you to Grace Topping. She introduced herself to me at Malice as one of those fifteen readers. She again congratulated me after the banquet, even though I didn’t take home the teapot. I enjoyed spending time with her and was able to thank her in person (and then let her know that maybe next time when critiquing, she should do a better job…)

So my advice: Make the connection, and then meet the person. I’m grateful for my connections and for my friendships. I go into this knowing that not everyone will like me. And I’m okay with that. I don’t want to miss a chance at a genuine connection by trying to be something I’m not. I try to be kind, be friendly, but most of all, be myself.  




SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: Reds and lovely readers — do you go to conventions? 

Do you like meeting people and making new friends — or would you rather be reading at home in your PJs? (No judgement here...) 

Is it hard to do and then you're glad you did it afterward (raises hand) or is it something you look forward to and relish?

And, in big crowds, how do you make genuine connections?







About Kendel Lynn:


Combining my fifteen years of entrepreneurial savvy with my ten years of designing, writing, and editorial experience, I launched Henery Press, an independent publishing house for mysteries — and I’m loving it!  I’m a girl blessed.
My debut novel, Board Stiff (Henery Press, April 2013), won several literary competitions, including the Zola Award for Mystery/Suspense. For a sneak peek into Elliott Lisbon, my not-quite-so-amateur sleuth, check out the prequel novella, Switch Back in Other People’s Baggage, where she encounters murder and mayhem in the land of Texas barbecue.

Read more about Kendel Lynn at her website, follow her on Twitter, and add her on Facebook.

54 comments:

  1. Congratulations, Kendel, on your Best First Novel nomination . . . I really enjoyed “Board Stiff” . . . . Malice sounds like it was an absolutely terrific conference.

    I am so not good at meeting people . . . I am much more skilled at being a wallflower. I admire people who have figured out this whole connection-making process and can just walk into a room full of strangers and be right at home. Unfortunately, that’s not me . . . .

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  2. I would love to go to more conventions. However, there is travel costs and time. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it to Bouchercon since it's right down the road on Long Beach.

    Then again, when I do go, I don't talk to as many people as I should. I'd love to talk to more, but I'm not very good at going up to a stranger and talking to them. It helps when I know we have something in common, such as mysteries, but it's not as easy as I would like to pretend it is.

    And, on a different note, did anyone else watch Jeopardy Monday? The final jeopardy category was...Board Games. Considering that was our topic yesterday, my jaw hit the floor at the timing of it all.

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  3. I've made some of my best, and longest lasting, friendships at science fiction conventions (since that's my genre, although I guess some of my books are also, sort of, mysteries). But I've also spoken at enough writer's conferences, publishers' conferences, and bar conventions to know that sometimes-- especially when you're a featured speaker-- you have to be a little careful of the people who glom onto you.

    Herewith, some thoughts on what to say, and what not to say, about your current project, at these meetings: http://www.freelancewriting.com/articles/FF-protecting-your-story-ideas.php

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  4. Good morning everyone and welcome Kendel!

    Thank you, Ellen, for your link.

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  5. Ah, what sage advice that I really needed this AM:

    "not everyone will like you"

    Truer words have never been spoken. But you know what, it really is OK. We humans tend to find like-minded folks who care and support us.

    Conventions are my most favorite thing each year. I get to visit with old friends (like many of the JRW) and make new ones year and year. There hasn't been a Bouchercon, BEA, Malice where I haven't walk away with a handful of new friends. And for that, I am forever grateful.

    And Mark, it would be great if you could make it down for B'con, I am I (and I suspect other here) would love to meet you in person.

    And thanks to Kendel for her guest post - For saying just the right things at the right time. (Thanks to your Mom as well, for being so wise).

    Have a great day folks!

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  6. Hi Kendel! So nice to see you here, and congrats on your Agatha nomination. And so glad you had a good time at Malice.

    I love conferences--anyone who knows me would probably tell you that I've never had a problem talking to strangers, whether at a bus stop or a mystery convention:-)

    And what a lovely and timely reminder of the friends we make. I've just spent the weekend visiting in the UK with my friend Kate Charles, who I introduced myself to at my first Malice in, um, 1993? I had read her first couple of books, loved them, and when I saw her on the conference program I looked for her and introduced myself. We've been dear friends ever since, and through Kate I met another of my (and Kate's) closest friends, Marcia Talley.

    I hope twenty years from now you'll be keeping up with--and brainstorming with--friends you made at your first Malice.

    There have been many other friends made over the years, and they are the main reason I go to conferences. We do have solitary jobs, we writers, and I think that sense of community is invaluable if you want to keep writing AND stay sane in the process!

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  7. Congrats on both accomplishments, Kendel! I'm looking forward to the second book.

    I love conventions and conferences, for all that they're hard to screw my energy up for (you know you're headed for 7:30 a.m. to 11 p.m. socializing!). In fact, I've got a blog going up in a couple days about how excited I am for my mystery tribe to show up in my town of Long Beach for Bouchercon. So I hope I'll see you all there!

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  8. As a reader, I would LOVE to attend conferences to meet with my favorite authors and with other readers who enjoy the mystery genre. Finances do not permit that,unfortunately. If I DID go, I'd be the quiet person sitting in the corner, taking it all in. I might not say much, but I enjoy being surrounded by people. (SOMEONE has to do the listening!)

    Kendel, I loved Board Stiff and I look forward to reading more from you!

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  9. I love the classes and workshops at conferences, but I am terrible at "conversation" at parties. Usually meals work out, because it's a smaller setting. However, I now deal with hearing issues so I miss a lot. My thoughts are merely echoes of those several before me have said today.

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  10. YAY, Kendel! And I remember it, too--your pages were SO GOOD I just couldn't express it in email.

    I think conferences are so tricky--you feel pushed and pulled and drawn in all directions. I've learned to take a person aside and just try for five solid minutes. And I am NOT a chit-chatter, so it's intimidating.

    I met Carolyn Hart at Malice, and now she's a dear friend.And Katherine Hall Page baby-sat me at my first and we see each other all the time now. . I tend to plop myself down next to someone I don't know and hope for the best!

    Susan says hi, she's taking her son to the doctor (nothing horrible) and she'll be back soon.

    OH, wow, yesterday: Board games! And today: Board Stiff. it's a THEME!

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  11. I need to give this quote to my daughter, love it: "You don’t need everyone to like you, because not everyone will. You just need to be yourself."

    I really enjoy conferences and am totally jazzed about going to Writers' Police Academy in the fall with one of my author friends. I loved going to Bouchercon 2012 (where I met Hank, and Julia, and the rest of the Reds). But as a natural introvert, I have a big recovery period when I get home. And I like being able to retreat to my hotel room at the end of the day.

    How do I connect? Ask about current projects, what are your favorite books, favorite authors? If I can start the conversation with something book-related, the rest will follow.

    And having gotten one of those phone calls from Hank, yes, those connections are priceless!

    Congrats on the Agatha nomination and best of luck!

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  12. I'm with Mary, I'm passing this quote on to my two daughters. And Kendel, I remember you from Guppies, as well. I recommend SINC and Guppies to everyone. What a terrific supportive group to be part of. I can't wait to meet you in person!

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  13. Kendal, congratulations on your Agatha nomination--winning or not, here's when being nominated means you know all that hard work has finally paid off!! What a thrill for you!!

    In the course of my career, I've had to present papers and attend scientific conferences, chit-chat and hobnob with total strangers--and it is totally out of my comfort zone. I've had to grit my teeth and just do it--get through it--and find time to sneak off alone in order to take a deep breath.

    That said, when I had the resources (time and money) to venture to local writing conferences, it was still outside my comfort zone--but I've found people to be so willing to say hello--to offer a smile--to listen--to even--gasp--offer help. An amazing community of people we have--the writers and editors and dreamers among us--not at all surprised that Hank would call you, Kendal!

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  14. Good morning! Thank you so much for having me, Susan. It’s exciting to be here. And wow, thanks for all the congrats and book love everyone, I should come by every single day...

    It can definitely make your nerves itch to walk up to a stranger and make conversation, but an easy opener is to choose an open next to someone, rather than finding a block of empty seats at the back in isolation. Or when you go to breakfast/lunch/dinner, join a group in progress rather than the empty table in the corner.

    I’m envious of you, Deborah, for being able to talk to anyone! That’s a gift – you’re right, the sense of community is invaluable (especially for the whole staying sane part).

    And great advice, Mary, asking about current projects or favorites – or just asking anything. and I’m so with you, my recovery period afterward is quite long (I’m still recovering from Malice!).

    I’ll be at Bouchercon, too! Any excuse to get back to Southern California...

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  15. With big crowds, you have to cut a weak one from the herd. Congrats and see you at Bouchercon, Kendel.

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  16. I'm back now -- kiddo is having asthma issues...

    Listening is good, too! I love going to panels, but rarely ask a question — just too busy taking everything in....

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  17. Fabulous interview! And truly great orange shoes. Someone gave me the same liberating advice at an early age and I am forever grateful. I count myself very blessed to be one of your connections. :)

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  18. Hi and congratulations Kendel!

    I'm with Kristopher, what a great post for this morning! Perfect. We can only be who we are, our perfect quirky selves.

    I love going to conferences. I wish I could have gone to Malice -- next year!

    I hope to meet you someday, Kendel, because I agree, I love meeting my fellow mystery writers in person. Loved your panel at LCC (what a blast that conference was!).

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  19. Kendel, I sure could have used that knowledge that not everyone will like you when I was growing up. Although I'm certain that I never appeared insecure due to my involvement in many activities and the presence of plenty of friends, I still had the little voice that said if someone didn't like me or respond to me, then I'd probably done something wrong. It's quite a burden to think everyone should like you. I will be sharing your amazing advice with my granddaughters, now with the 13-year-old and a bit later with the four-year-old.

    I love conventions, and like Mark, I would love to go to even more, but I just can't budget in everyone of them I'd like. I've been to the National Book Festival, Bouchercon, Southern Festival of Books, Southern Kentucky Book Festival, and Virginia Festival of the Book. Bouchercon, my first one last September, was a dream come true and by far my favorite. Since mystery is my first love in reading, meeting favorite authors and like-minded readers was a joy unsurpassed (ok, maybe the birth of my children and grandchildren, maybe). Meeting and talking to the Jungle Reds and now continuing the conversation on this blog has been a major enrichment in my life. You all are so darn nice and interesting.

    I so want to attend Bouchercon this year, but Long Beach is a long way, and I have another two trips this year and am doing some home projects, such as new flooring and painting. I also met Kristopher at the Bouchercon in Albany and was so happy to do so. Mark, if you don't make this year's Bouchercon, try for the one in Raleigh in 2015. I'll be there, "God willing and the creek don't rise." I haven't made it to Malice yet, but it's on my list.

    I don't have much trouble going up and talking to people, as I find most people so interesting, especially authors and readers. I do have a traveling buddy that goes with me to the conventions and festivals to hopefully keep me from embarrassing myself and others, preventing me from falling on my knees and hugging favorite authors to me when I encounter them. Of course, I do hug, just not on my knees. I'm sure I spew forth a lot of gibberish, too, as I'm so excited and pumped. As the well circulated book saying goes, "Authors are my rock stars!" There is a positive energy at book events that could probably enable someone to bounce up and down to the ceiling if so desired.

    Kendel, congratulations on your nomination, and I'm looking forward to reading Board Stiff. Love the title.

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  20. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  21. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  22. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  23. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  24. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  25. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  26. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  27. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  28. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  29. Malice is one to add to your list if you can make it. It’s more intimate than Bouchercon, but still quite friendly. And I loved LCC (Monterey was lovely!).

    I wonder if we all have that little voice in our head, at one time or another, if we don’t feel like someone connected with us, if it’s something we did. (When really, the other person was probably distracted wondering if they left the iron on in their room or if they housekeeping staff will vacuum up the fruity pebbles I may or may not have spilled all over the floor...)

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  30. Hi Kendel! So sweet of you to mention me, especially as your move the body BFF (that's a special denotation right there, folks!).

    Conferences are always a little intimidating for me, but it helps knowing I'm surrounded by people who are a lot like me. I love meeting online friends in person, and even making new friends too!

    Congrats on your Agatha Nom, you know how proud I am of you!

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  31. Hi Kendel, Congratulations on your Agatha nomination. I can't wait to check out your books! (And Susan, I hope your son is doing better.)

    This is such a beautiful essay. My whole life changed when I entered the mystery world and discovered a place filled with writers who are not competitive, who are entirely supportive, and who love a good chat online and a good cocktail in person. In just a year of SinC and MWA meetings and conventions I've met some amazing people - many of whom are here (Susan, Hank, Deborah, etc.), and I know I"ll meet so many more at Bouchercon. As for your dear Diane, Kendel, I couldn't agree with you more - in fact, I'm doing a blog hop with her this week! I'm looking forward to meeting you and so many other Redettes (as I like to call us commenters) at future events!

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  32. What a thought provoking post. I want to participate in everything but then get a kind of advanced buyer's remorse as the event gets closer - maybe I won't really like it, maybe I don't really want to go, who would want to talk to me . . . you get the picture. If I have a role to play it's easier, but if I am just one of the group it's hard to approach someone. Working on that.

    I have recently retired so am able to devote more time to reading, blogs, etc. and have signed up for my first-ever book convention, Bouchercon 2014. I can't wait (and am taking my fellow book-lover granddaughter with as a little insurance!).

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  33. Kendel, will you be at BEA or Thriller this summer in NYC? Anyone else?

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  34. I'll only post the one time this time. I'd like to blame Blogger, but it's all on me. Anyhoo... Kim, Diane is amazing and I'm lucky she's my person.

    It's always easier to have someone with you at an event, especially a large one. As long as you don't huddle together and don't let others in! My next gig is Bcon and I'm looking forward to a little non-travel time (or really, a long non-travel time).

    BEA is in two weeks already! Then Thrillerfest, Killer Nashville...

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  35. Killer Nashville is one I'd like to make someday. But the funds, they only go so far. Maybe next year...

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  36. What a fantastic post!

    The thing Malice brings home for me is how blessed I am to be part of the mystery world—both the sisterhood we have in the Hen House, and the larger community of authors and readers. People are so nice, so helpful, so wonderful (why yes, I’m looking at y’all, Reds, and also you three, Kendel, Susan B., and Diane). It’s amazing.

    I tell my little ones often that not everyone likes everyone else, and while I know it’s true, great advice, it’s so hard for me to accept sometimes! I suppose I’m lucky to not know many people I don’t like.

    And Kendel, indeed—I am the world’s worst for backtracking through conversations, wondering if I talked too much, or said something wrong. And then apologizing for whatever I might have done to offend someone, who probably wasn’t offended at all. We should all heed your words of wisdom and be a little nicer to ourselves. Thanks for sharing.

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  37. Just popping in to congratulate Julia and Hank for their Anthony Award nominations for Best Novel [for "Through the Evil Days" and "The Wrong Girl"] . . . .

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  38. Hi Joan - When/where were the Anthony nominations announced? I haven't seen anything yet. Thanks!

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  39. Here's the link, Kim . . .
    http://stopyourekillingme.com/Awards/Anthony_Awards.html

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  40. Thanks, Joan! Congrats to Julia and Hank!!!

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  41. So happy and thankful you're one of my Guppy and Malice connections, Kendel!

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  42. Wowza, what a day! CONGRATS to Hank and Julia on the Anthony noms!! Very excited to see you both at Bcon this year!

    I love my connections, and it's pretty cool to see how genuine they've become from my fellow Guppies (like Diane, Gigi, Hank) and Hen House peeps (like Diane, Gigi, LynDee, Susan B) to Malice, (okay, I'll stop naming/repeating names, I see a pattern here), the Reds, the lovely commenters here -- I can't wait to see what connections the rest of the year brings!

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  43. Susan. I am hoping to stop by your signing at the MWA booth at BEA. I have a crazy busy schedule, but I'd love to say hi.

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  44. There is NEVER enough time at Malice! Or any mystery convention, but especially Malice, where nearly everyone I meet feels like a good friend within five minutes. I will always remember the time I spent this year with Kendel, LynDee, Shelley, and Liz, and our New Kids panel moderated by Margaret Maron, and I hope that, like Margaret, Dorothy Cannell, and Joan Hess, we're all still writing pals who reunite at the cons for the next 25 years!

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  45. Very excited to find an new series!
    as far as conventions go... I would rather be home in my jammies reading a book. Having said that tho, I do LOVE to entertain--but that's on my time-table and not a conventions, I guess. Love to give dinner parties. but love all those people to leave so I can curl up with my book.
    i'm odd.

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  46. So thrilled to see Hank and Julia nominated for the Anthony! So well deserved. It looks like a fantastic slate of nominees, and I'm trying to decide if I shouldn't just go on and sell the family silver so I can go to Bouchercon this year.

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  47. Wow, Kendel. I couldn't agree more! I wrote a brief piece about Malice yesterday, and it's a relief to see I'm not alone in how I feel. Thanks for voicing what so many of us are thinking! Malice (my first conference) was incredible, and you and the Hen House made me feel so welcomed. I can't thank you enough!

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  48. Oh, thank you so much..so wonderful to celebrate with you...xoo

    SO thrilled. Just saying. oxo

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  49. Hi Kendel,

    I enjoy making connections any way I can, but meeting and talking with someone in person is something I treasure. Each time I have to overcome my urge to go hide in a closet somewhere, but I'm always glad when I stay and meet people, especially those I've had contact with before.

    I think the best thing about conferences is there are so many people and activities that someone and something will be fun, interesting, and worthwhile.

    PS: I love Henery Press (and the little bird)!

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  50. Super congratulations to Hank and Julia on their Anthony nominations! Can't wait to see you guys again at Bouchercon--and everyone else on here who's going.

    Malice is maybe my favorite of the conferences, so intimate and friendly, but unfortunately my conference budget, as with so many of us, is limited. This year I'll only manage B'con. Next year I hope to do Malice and B'con both.

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  51. Congratulations to Hank and Julia on being nominated for the Anthony!

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  52. Great interview. So true on all counts!

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  53. Congratulations on the nomination and on the second book debut, Kendel! You are amazing.

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