Thursday, May 23, 2019

Just Call Me "Talks With Strangers"

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: So I was listening to an NPR show about happiness. I should preface this by saying that at this point in my life, I get 90% of what I know of the outside world from NPR (the other 10% comes from Twitter.) I listen to everything: TED Radio Hour, This American Life, All Things Considered, The Commonwealth Club, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me - you get the idea.

At any rate, the host was interviewing one of these happiness researchers, who found, for the 100th time, that people in Scandinavian countries are the happiest in the world, despite the hellscape of socialism and the fact they are shrouded in eldritch darkness six months of the year. One of the important factors in happiness, the researcher said, was good social interactions. "People who live alone are more likely to suffer from depression," he said.

"Uh oh," I said to the cat. "I live alone." (Apparently cats don't count as "robust social support." Which I can see, because my cat is a more a combination panhandler/demanding massage client - the wholesome kind of massage, not the Robert Kraft sort - than a Friend In Need.) My kids have all expressed concerns about the quality of my life since they've moved out. Youngest keeps threatening assuring me she'll be back lots and lots of times during the school year.

The researcher then went on to say the research had changed some of his habits. "Now I chat with people on the elevator instead of staring at the fire escape instructions," he said. "It improves your mental health."

Okay, excellent. I'm good. Why? Because I talk in the elevator. I chat with the Uber driver. I ask questions of the cook making omelettes to order at the Hilton. I interact with little kids in the grocery store. 

I am that woman.

Being that woman is a combination of nature and nurture. As anyone who has ever met me has already figured out, I'm extroverted by nature. Not that socializing can't wear on me - like many of you, I limp back to my hotel room after a day at Bouchercon and require a full nine hours of sleep to function again the next day. But I like people. I enjoy talking and finding out what they have to say.

On top of that, I was raised by a woman who thought conversation was the highest art form. My mother's maxim was, "You have to sing for your supper," -  if you were at table, you had better contribute to the dialog. Youngest told me about a documentary she had seen about Consuelo Vanderbilt, who became the Duchess of Marlborough. Evidently, young Consuelo's nanny would stroll her around the garden, and at each bush, the girl was made to converse for a period of time. With the bush. And a different topic for every stop. My mother never marched me around to talk with shrubbery, but the end result was the same, I can - and will! - find something about which to converse with anyone, anywhere.

Over the years, my children have been alternately horrified, embarrassed, impatient and amused by my predilection for passing the time of day with store clerks, auto mechanics, and their friends. There were several years when I was entreated to never say anything to my kids' peers other than, "Hello," and "Would you like [name of food dish]?" Ironically, they now encourage their friends, especially those whose own mothers are far away, to talk with me. This is, I suspect, because a vital part of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.

As I've gotten older, I talk more, rather than less, with strangers. When I was a younger woman, I had the usual concerns about safety, and more to the point, I didn't want anyone thinking me weird or pushy. Now I'm a silver-haired lady in her fifties, I don't give two snaps of my fingers if someone decides I'm odd or too outspoken. Resembling Everybody's Mother gives a woman a great deal of leeway in her actions.

I will continue, therefore, to happily interact with the people fate puts in my way while running errands or traveling (unless I'm in the Amtrak quiet car. No speaking on the train!) It's good for my mental health. And if you're ever trapped with me yammering away at you, please remember, it's nothing personal - it's you or inviting my children to come back and live with me again.

How about you, dear readers? Are you Chatty Cathy? Or Bashful Bill?

87 comments:

  1. Oh, I am most definitely Bashful Bill. I’ve never been particularly outgoing so I’m good at conversations only if I don’t have to be the one to start them . . . .

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    1. Isn't it nice that the internet offers introverts a chance to socialize as much as they want, without having to actually be face-to-face? And at the same time, it offers extroverts stuck at home (or in an anonymous office cubicle) the opportunity to get their chat on.

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  2. I loathe idle chit-chat and "networking opportunities," but I love to chat with clerks and strangers in elevators. I have fallen into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night, which leads to getting up to let the dogs out, which leads to oversleeping the alarm, which means I often don't have time to fix my own breakfast in the morning. As a result, I go to Whataburger for a taquito on my way to work. At my local Whataburger I am now friends with Yvette and Autumn, the ladies who staff the drive-through lane. Yvette has one daughter graduating from high school next week and going into the Army, and one daughter who is headed into the sixth grade and just decided last night what kind of band instrument she wants to play. I can't wait to find out if Daughter #2 opted for a flute, a clarinet, or a French horn. Autumn keeps me up to date on her son, born last September with Down's Syndrome and a heart defect, who has been in the hospital these past many weeks, recovering from his first surgery and the complications that came with it. Talking to people I would never meet backstage at a concert keeps me in touch with the "real" world. It helps me understand, in the midst of the endless parade of political talking heads who bloviate about "the struggling middle class" and "welfare queens" how very hard these women work, and how very real their problems are.

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    1. but I hope you're coming to Bouchercon Gigi and will chat will all the Reds!

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    2. Gigi... you amaze!! Send my regards to Yvette and Autumn. Tell them I'm pulling for them!

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    3. Thank you, Lyda. They would be astonished to know that anyone out there in the wider world cares. And yes, Roberta, Deb has twisted my arm for quite a long while, so I will be at Bouchercon, and hope to meet as many Reds as possible.

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    4. Yes, Gigi, please send our best wishes to both the ladies. A special tip of the hat from one military mom to another!

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  3. Like you, Julia, I am more extrovert than introvert, and have gotten more chatty as years go by, especially at conference with people I don't know. I think I'm a good listener, too - except when it comes to names! I listen, I try to repeat it to myself, and it goes in one ear and out the proverbial other. Drives me nuts. So when there is someone in public I chat with, I simply can't use their name.

    Also, thank you for making me look up eldritch. Fabulous word!

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    1. Word of the day! There aren't many places I can get away with fancy words, but I can here.:-)

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  4. I can chat your ear off...if I'm interested in chatting with you. But I don't like to be forced into conversation. Less Bashful Bill, more like prematurely cranky old "Get off my lawn" man.

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    1. I'm assuming you mean from the British TV series? I don't know if I'm quite that bad. I just like to be left alone unless the chatting occurs by my initiation I guess.

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    2. I should have add a middle category, Jay: "Enjoys good conversation with friends and interesting strangers."

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    3. Jay, my apologies. I hope I did not offend you with my Doc Martin comment. Yes, the British TV show. People still like him anyway.

      Julia, that's a brilliant category!

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  5. I love this essay Julia--you must add it to your collection! The cat has started running from me, as I talk to him constantly. John is so relieved to share the load...

    But I'm much more introverted than you--though the writing business is changing that...

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    1. Isn't it funny? You'd think - what could be more introverted than writers? Then you have to visit libraries, and go on book tour, and attend conferences...

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  6. I have always considered myself an introvert, as well as extremely shy and wouldn't say a word to anyone. When did that change? Probably teaching for almost 30 years helped. Living alone, except for my pets, I talk to myself out loud, even argue and often tell myself "told ya so!" Out in public I will just start talking to almost anyone. Believe it or not some of my best conversations have been in the cat food aisle at the grocery store. I'll say something to another shopper and it's like opening a faucet - they have so much they want to tell me about their crazy cats!

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    1. I love that, Judi! Pets are a great bond. I always have wonderful conversations waiting to see the vet.

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  7. I talk to strangers. All the time. Anywhere. Except on a plane... because you'll be stuck with that seatmate for hours and hours and hours and what if they're well, you know, not your cup of tea. Otherwise I talk in elevators. In the supermarket (esp in the produce section, or waiting at the fish counter, in the parking lot.) Just yesterday I had a lovely conversation with a woman about Genoa salami, and how isn't it weird that when as for it they invariably seem to have to go in the back and start a new one. Fascinating, I know. But it made me feel warm and connected.

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    1. On the plane, sometimes I meet interesting people. I once commented on this lady's beautiful knitting and it turned out that she and her husband were missionaries. The husband gave me a church proverb - I think Christian? I was polite and smiled. I try not to talk about the three to strangers - politics, religion nor sex. LOL.

      Last plane ride was a nice experience. We were flying home from a mystery conference in Canada. One of the historical novelists was seated behind us. Another author and her husband were seated across the aisle from us. Several people also went to the same conference, though we did not meet until we were on the plane! We talked about the wonderful conference - Left Coast Crime.

      Diana

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    2. Ah, in Vancouver. I wish I could have gone!

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    3. Diana, I've had that experience as well! Flying out of St. Petersburg after the last Bouchercon, it seemed like the entire rear quarter of my plane was all mystery writers and readers. It was a lively flight!

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  8. I talk to strangers although, like Gigi, I detest small talk. My favorite people are little kids. Julie thinks I'm going to get arrested if I don't stop adoring babies and chatting up toddlers, but I do it anyway.

    Children are so fresh from God.

    “I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.”

    ― Charles Dickens

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    1. It’s so gratifying when a little kid likes you, right? It feels like it means you are a good person…

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    2. I find that the acceptance from a child comes through a lot of filters so I tend to gauge my worth based on how well dogs respond to me. So far, I'm good.

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    3. I don't know, Finta, when I was a harried mom of little ones, I always liked it when older women would stop and admire them - so I think you're safe from 911 calls!

      Now I'm the older woman, I always try to compliment moms if their kids have been in a trying situation - on a flight, or waiting in line or some such. I remember a few times when a stranger told me, "Your children are so well-behaved. You're doing a great job with them." Lifted my spirits for days afterwards.

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  9. I don't initiate conversation with strangers, but if they want to talk I will generally participate. I much prefer talking to my cats, one of whom thinks she is most definitely robust social support.

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    1. My Smithie got the sociable cat when she moved out, Marla, and I got Miss Feed Me! Pet Me! Now I'll ignore you! On the plus side, the sociable cat also has skin allergies and requires special (expensive) allergy food and medications, while Neko, who staid with me, is virtually care-free. One visit a year for routine shots and she's done.

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    2. I'm lucky that both of my cats are low-maintenance. It's funny, but the chatty one lets the other one wake me up for breakfast. I guess she figures she'll be doing enough talking throughout the rest of the day.

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  10. I'm an introvert, definitely. I'll talk with people I know, but it's a real push for me to talk to strangers. Unless I'm in an "expert" position. Like Gigi, I'm not much for idle chit-chat. But if we meet and make a connection (say over books), I'll talk for forever.

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    1. Books are the best conversational starters of them all. When I volunteered at the nearby Very Small Library, it was non-stop talking, because everyone wanted to recommend their favorites and hear about new reads.

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  11. I’m extroverted and I talk to everyone. Part of that is due to being from the Midwest; we just can’t help it. As my hearing loss has progressed to severe I find it too exhausting to chat with sales clerks, random strangers, etc. I’m still polite, just less talkative in noisy environments where I can’t hear.

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    1. I'm sure the people around you are happy for a polite smile and nod as a break from being talked at by people like me, Cathy!

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  12. I love to talk to people in elevators, and groceries… When a fellow shoppers ask me is this rice good? Or have you ever tried these apples? I absolutely love it.. But a cocktail party? When I am supposed to chitchat? It is all I can do not to run and hide in the corner, which, I admit, I sometimes actually do.
    It’s funny, too, how my mother used to talk to everyone, the checkout clerk, the doorman. And it was mortifying. Absolutely mortifying. Mom I would wail, these people don’t care what you think. But now I see she was connecting. Thanks mom!

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    1. Hank, at cocktail parties, are you more likely to want to run and hide because someone is smoking cigars? Or is it because of the noise or drunk people?

      Diana

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    2. Wow, I haven't been to a "cocktail party" in thirty years, and it probably wasn't called that then. Maybe it's an eastern thing, says the guy from the other coast.

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    3. Rick, we definitely still have cocktail parties here on the east coast, although they might be called receptions or open houses if they're private and not splashed on by a business or non-profit. Business wear if you're coming from work or dinner-out clothing if you've had time to change. 5 to 7, then you leave and dine elsewhere. Or sometimes, 6 to 8 and then there's a performance.

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  13. Is there is such a thing as an out-going introvert? I can happily go for days without speaking to another human being. It is bliss! However, if placed in a setting with others, from elevators to waiting in line to an office setting, I'm going to ENGAGE the hapless individual next to me.

    And Julia, I completely agree with you about the freedom age affords us! I've said it before; it is my superpower!

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    1. Lyda, I think you and I are the same person, because I, too, am happy to be at home, not speaking to anyone, for days, and then BOOM as soon as I'm within speaking distance of another human being...

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  14. When moved to Atlanta, the kids and I learned to chat amicably for hours with anyone who struck up a conversation at a soccer game, swim meet, or tennis match. It's a Southern art form.

    Now that I no longer attend games and practices, my daily conversations are while walking the dogs and at the gym. Politics are off the table at the gym (with Fox news on 4 of the 5 tv's it's a necessary ban). Topics for discussion include FC Cincinnati (soccer) and the Reds, how much the county water and sewer screws us on our water bills, and road construction.

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    1. Margaret, I should have mentioned that part of my nurture was spending most of my first seven years in the south, and that my father's side of the family are all in (sigh) Alabama. (I love you, Alabama, but you're testing me...) I've come to suspect the famous southern gothic characters who hole themselves up in their ancestral mansions are just hapless introverts who have no other choice to avoid constant amiable conversation.

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  15. I am definitely a Chatty Cathy. It has come in handy now that we live in a high-rise. I can do elevator conversation with the best. I have met some of the nicest people that way. Hallie, I have had that same Genoa salami conversation at my local supermarket! Who knew?

    It is even more evident with age but people talk to me. I am like my mother in this. People look at me and ask me for advice or just talk to me. Mostly it's entertaining and I now know a lot about people that I will never see again. I also know a lot about my regular encounters. The grocery store bag boys are endlessly talkative as are the check out clerks. Barbara hugs me and always asks after my sister, who shops there too. One of the waiters for a local catering firm now treats my husband and me like friends all because we talked to her. One of my friends asked if I knew her and i said, "Well, I do now."

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    1. LOL! "Well, I do now."

      I do find that having a certain motherly look is definitely part of what makes people open up to me. I wonder if it works that way for men as they get older?

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  16. Lyda, so well put! I can be a happy hermit, but out among people, I love the random connections and chatting. Parents seem to never tire of hearing how bright their children are, elders love compliments on "oh, this old thing" (having come by their "vintage clothing" by keeping it for years, they have become accustomed to the lovely detailing), smiles shared between strangers brighten the day. We were talking in aqua-aerobics about the loss of public contact because so many are focused on their ever-present phones. I hope we can keep the civility of conversing.

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    1. Mary, I think we will if people make sure their kids put down their phones and interact with the real world occasionally. I do think the ability to make conversation is something you learn as a child by example and by participation. Once or twice I've seen an entire family, parents and kids, at a restaurant, and all of them are on their devices. I find that deeply worrisome.

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    2. Not sure where I got this quote, but liked it well enough to write it down..."Ten years ago, people kept their mobile phone in their pocket. Now, they hold them permanently in their hand like a small angry animal, gazing crossly into our faces, in apparent need of constant placation."

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  17. Julia, a friend once took the Myers Briggs test and it told her that she is both extrovert and introvert. Her husband did not believe it was possible. I believed it was possible. In some situations, I feel very social and in other situations I feel very bashful. Your words about the art of conversation reminded me of the current Queen of England. She was very shy as a child and her mother, the Queen Mother, would practice with her to help her become more comfortable conversing with strangers. I thought it was brilliant for them to practice together to help a shy child become comfortable conversing.

    Great post, Julia!

    Diana

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    1. Thanks, Diana! I just replied to Mary Garrett, above, that many people have to learn how to make conversation, and the best time to do so (as with so many other skills) is when you're young.

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    2. Thanks, Julia! I have a different take on mobile phones. I use the "siri" to help me with my speech. Sometimes my words are clear. Sometimes not. I use social media to find out about events like a Left Coast Crime event that day. I use text instead of talking on the phone. Before social media and smart phones, I remember a deaf child and his entire family - no one in the entire family would learn sign language and they communicated by writing notes. I wonder if that family (in Mary Garrett's comment) who had all their devices had a member of the family who was deaf and no one knew sign language.

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  18. I am an only child, so I don't have any trouble entertaining myself. However, since my husband of 44 years passed away in January, I am alone at home and it has become more important that I plan for at least some social interaction each day, even if it is in the bank or the grocery store checkout line. The other day I wondered why I was feeling low--it was because my one trip out of the house that day was to find out where I would be going (to a new book club) next weekend, and I never left the car.

    Email communications are fine--a childhood friend with whom I reconnected a few years back gets most of the credit for supporting me through almost two years of my husband's illness and chemo--although we haven't seen each other in person for 50 years. But we have just started doing monthly 2-hour (!) phone calls, and it has taken our friendship to an ever higher level.

    Toastmasters and Sisters in Crime have been some of my saving graces. I used to be much shyer about approaching people I didn't know, but I'm better at it now. Last weekend at an all-day Toastmasters conference (first time I attended), I chatted effortlessly with people I knew and perfect strangers. I was stunned when, after a casual conversation in the hallway with the keynote speaker (2nd VP of Toastmasters International), she chose to sit with me during the culminating speech contest. And thanks to Sisters in Crime, I am now much more likely to ask authors for submissions to our quarterly newsletter, and to stroll up to the most famous authors at the signing table and ask to photograph them for the newsletter. (Next year both Left Coast Crime and Bouchercon are in California, where I live--woohoo!)

    This year my sons have been especially helpful. One of them regularly calls me on the way home from work, just to talk. And the time I spend with my grandchildren has been a godsend.

    So I'm a work in progress. I just have to work harder now to achieve that all-important social interaction.

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    1. Margie, I'm truly sorry for your loss. It is desperately hard, and one thing to keep in mind - I suspect Gigi, who is also a widow, would agree - is that you're really not yourself again for about a year. You think you're doing okay, and then three or six months later, you realize, "I was no nearly as steady as I thought I was."

      It sounds like you're doing the right thing, staying involved. If I may offer one thing I did that made a huge difference in my mental health: I resolved to meet up with at least one friend a week. Lunch, coffee, a movie, dinner, shopping - it dodn't matter so long as I got out of the house and saw someone, even when I didn't feel like it. It kept me hooked up to humanity, out of my own head for a while, and, when I finally felt like genuinely being sociable again, I wasn't a stranger to my friends.

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    2. Thank you, Julia. I know you have been through it as well, so it is wonderful to hear your recommendations. I'm fortunate to have a Toastmasters meeting once a week, so that's automatic. But I do try to schedule lunches as often as I can (I think I need to do better). And I am trying out a new book club this weekend and have attended the Barnes & Noble book club just to be around others.

      You're right about how I feel, though. The first three months or so went by in a blur because I had lots of paperwork, meetings, etc. to take care of. Now I find my emotions are closer to the surface--it doesn't take more than a Facebook animal or baby video or one particular American Idol contestant's song to make me mist up. I keep busy with projects during the daytime, but evenings can be a challenge.

      In the meantime, I'm determined to get my house ready to sell next year, so I can move closer to my grandchildren. It's amazing what I've found so far (Star Wars fan club folders, Cabbage Patch "birth certificates," things my husband had stashed away, etc.)

      And, of course, I love to read the Reds blog every day, in addition to Lesa Holstine's blog. Please keep them coming!

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    3. My condolences as well, Margie. What you have been through over the past 2.5 years counts as trauma, so be kind to yourself, but getting out and getting out of your own head is definitely important. I began volunteering as a mentor at a high school full of kids who reminded me of me at that age. Interacting with them was tremendously rewarding and therapeutic. You have all my sympathy on the preparation for moving. I still find it mentally and emotionally exhausting to go through old stuff and sort the keepers from the tossers. Hugs to you, and keep on slogging forward. You'll get to a better place eventually.

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    4. Thank you, Gigi, for the suggestions and the moral support!

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  19. LOL, great post, Julia! It has long been noted in my family that I have a "talking problem". So, I completely understand your extroverted ways. I am an extrovert to the core. Everyone I encounter is a friend I haven't met yet, but I also like my alone time and I require a lot of it. It's all about balance for me.

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    1. Jenn, you make me think of the first time I got an honorarium for an appearance. Ross said, "Paid to talk. That's your dream come true Jule."```

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  20. Oh, I'm a Chatty Kathy. (Boy, does that date us!) I talk to everyone. It's one reason I like my weekly trips to my Trader Joe's, so I can check in with my friends there. My mom talked to everyone, too, and I remember finding it mortifying. On the other hand, I'm pretty quiet at home--my hubby is the one who talks all the time--and I have a huge need for uninterrupted time alone. My two or three weeks at a time in England are bliss. I can write, or read a book, or watch a TV show all the way through without being interrupted!!!

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    1. Debs, a common thread among those of us who are writers seems to be that no matter how much we love talking with friends, neighbors or random strangers, we also love and rely on our alone and quiet time. No wonder we have so many conventions - they're the reward for extroverts who've sat for months in a quiet room with only their characters for company!

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  21. Those of you who have met me already know this one!

    But here's a hint for the rest of you: My dad used to say I must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

    He was a colorful guy, my dad.

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    1. Karen, that's perfect! My dad once told the Smithie she was going to run out of words by the time she was grown up if she kept talking at the rate she did. Needless to say, she still has a few words and things to say.

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  22. My mother was a talker. She swore she'd never get really lost as long as she could talk!

    And then there's the story about how Italians can't drown if there is someone to talk to because of the hand motions.

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  23. Neither, but I'm not really very outgoing. I've always been quite comfortable in my skin, and once in my twenties, in a solid job pretty much lived alone (with cats). Comfortable in my home, garden, neighborhood, I had plenty of work friends and a few other friends but a lot of time was spend by myself, book or trowel in hand and I was content. It wasn't until I was 60 that I met THE WOMAN and got married. I'm very happy in our relationship, but neither of us is much of a talker. Both readers, both gardeners, both enjoy walking.

    So, no, not chatty but not bashful either.

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    1. How lovely, Rick, that you found your perfect partner.

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  24. Now after reading all the other comments, I'm thinking I'm more your "bashful Bill" type after all. I will go days without leaving home, because my wife is out doing errands and taking classes at 24-Hour Fitness, where she talks to others and has many friends. I do talk to the librarians at my local branch, and to the people at the nursery where I buy plants, but otherwise it's mostly email. Hmm. Maybe I need to get out more, even though in my mid-70s I'm content as is.

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    1. Rick, if you're content, you're doing everything right. A life filled with gardening, walking and reading side by side with a dear companion sounds like perfection to me. No extraneous conversations needed.

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  25. Mainly introvert. My husband is the talker. My father-in-law once said I was the only woman he knew who could ride in the car for an hour and not say a word. My mother-in-law couldn't stand silence and would always fill the void. I will engage strangers in conversations while waiting in line; you just do that in the South. I'll give an encouraging and sympathetic smile and "someone's tired" to a mom whose child is screaming down the store. I'll reluctantly go to neighborhood gettogethers. I avoid parties like the plague. I've managed to avoid all Red Cross functions for volunteers and spouses so far (I'm the spouse). Fingers crossed. I do fine one on one. But if it's a large group I want to run. Bouchercon may turn out to be my Waterloo. We'll see!

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    1. Pat, one of the nice things about Bouchercon is that IF it's in a good location, there are always plenty of nooks and crannies with seating for two or four or six, so you can have interesting, quiet conversations. I qualify this by saying "if it's in a good location," because it's all up to the hotel/conference space the organizers have chosen. Albany was not great with break-out spaces, and the infamous Las Vegas Bcon of '03 was the WORST. On the other hand, the most recent one, at the Vinoy Renaissance in St. Petersburg, had every kind of small group seating you cold wish for.

      So you should do fine. And remember, no one is surprised if you disappear at any time for some quiet time in your room! Mid-afternoon naps are all that keep some of us going during Bcon.

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    2. Julia, I'm sure if Bouchercon ever gets persuaded to go to Boston there'll be plenty of spaces to choose from.

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    3. Pat D, even though I am very social, it is a different story when I drive or when I am a passenger in a car. While driving, I must focus 100 percent on driving. As a passenger, I do NOT want to distract the driver.

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  26. My sister will start a conversation with just about anyone just don't come up behind her. I, on the other hand, will sit in the back of a room or corner and watch. How about Fearful Fran - after working social gatherings from the kitchen it just seems safer to watch, though I admit it can be lonely watching from the corner. I can speak, believe me, and have always been able to hold my side of the conversation which a whole different issue but small talk is impossible, hence, corner watching is safer. And living alone means I only have to talk, orally, to me....which is so much safer.

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    1. Oh, Deana, I'm sending you virtual hugs. If we were at a social event together I'd come and sit in the corner with you - I've found it's often the quiet people who aren't "out there" who have the most interesting things to say!

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    2. Thanks for the hugs, Julia. The sneaky side me will confess that one does get to see some of the marvelous things from those corners...

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  27. I’m definitely the Bashful Bill type. It makes me a really good listener, but I do try to avoid non-family parties. Some people get it; others tell me “you SHOULD go, anyway” even after I explain it’s just not my thing. And when someone says to me later “you missed a really good party!”! I know that I did NOT! I don’t mind conversing with two or three people I know well, but I hate having to look for strangers who might be willing to talk with me! A couple of friends who are very much like me have had my experience of approaching people and saying “hello” and having them smile and then turn away from us! (And we all bathe regularly; gee!)

    I have wanted to attend Malice or Bcon but I know that I would be too intimidated. I enjoy reading about these events by people who did go.

    By the way, my dad was one of those gabby, “never met a stranger” folks. If I didn’t look so much like him (And have all his orthopedic issues :-) I would think we’re not related!!

    DebRo

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    1. DebRo, if you're active on other mystery-related boards as well, you may want to consider finding a roommie for Malice (which is big, bit not as big as Bouchercon.) Having just one person with you makes a huge difference, and if you find someone else who's an icebreaker, I guarantee you, you'd wind up having lots of delightful conversations (but not with a crowd!)

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  28. I used to be Bashful Bill but after 12-15 years of severe hearing loss I received cochlear implants and voila I turned into Chatty Cathy. It’s the assurance that I will understand what someone’s reply is that gives me confidence.

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  29. I was very shy as a child but am more outgoing now. Mostly I'm content living alone although I try to see my friends as often as possible. Two friends text almost every day, and some e-mail. I check Facebook every day and sometimes call people. Our church started a senior club last year that meets once a month except for the winter.

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    1. A little bit here, a little bit there - I think that's how most of us who live alone put our social lives together, Sally.

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  30. I'm very much a Bashful Bill. If you get me going on a subject I care about, I can go for a while, but I have a very hard time starting a conversation, especially with strangers. And it seems like I ramble on about books and TV shows, but not about things that matter much.

    And I also agree about people living alone. I am enjoying not having a roommate most of the time, but there are days I miss having company around the condo.

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    1. It can be tough if you live alone AND you're not a talk-with-everyone type. My dad is in that place now, after my mom passed away, and he's compensated by having two regular weekly social interactions: he drives a neighbor to Mass with him every Sunday, and he's part of an informal community men's group that breakfasts together at Denny's every Wednesday (he lives in an "adults only" community where almost everyone is retired.) Just that little bit is keeping him pretty cheerful and steady.

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  31. If you talk to someone in an elevator in Scandinavia they will get off on the next floor it stops on to get away from you. My British colleague described how long it took for her to understand the very subtle signal Swedes use when they have the window seat on the tram and are getting off on the next stop, we don’t say “excuse me I am getting off” instead we have these rituals involving getting our bag and zipping up our coats all to AVOID talking.

    And if talking to your cat does not count as social interactions I am in trouble. In my defence it is usually in response to something she said 😉

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