The Hostess with the Mostest...cleaning to do

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: When we talked about our summer plans, I mentioned the kick-off for my season is hosting Youngest and the Very Tall Dutchman (they're coming over on KLM; does that mean I can call him the Flying Dutchman?) Of course, I want to make a good impression, and more importantly, he has allergies, so I'm attempting to remove as much dust/soot/cat hair as I can from the premises. It doesn't help that I burn wood all winter long and that the family room carpet is covered with a gentle sprinkling of bark and twiglets.

 

 

This isn't the first important guest I wanted to impress, of course.  Ross and I hustled like MAD when his father visited us at This Old House for the first time. It was a scorching hot day in August, and of course, we also had to deal with a two-year-old and a seven-month old while dusting, weeping, polishing, etc., etc. When Dad arrived, I dropping my rag and spray bottle on the kitchen counter, and yelled, "Honey! Come on downstairs!" Ros reaching the foyer just as I opened the door to greet my father-in-law -- and my husband promptly vanished upstairs without a word and didn't reappear for a good half hour.

 

He later explained he didn't want his dad to see him all sweaty and sticky. and he didn't understand why Victor and I kept laughing about his disappearing act.  (If you've heard people say, "There weren't any autistic people being born in the 1950s," let me introduce you to my husband...)

 

 

However, I admit I was even MORE frantic a few years later, when my mother came to stay for three days. (She never lingered longer than that, holding to the old adage about fish and guests.) I was so freaked out about the mess, and the dust underneath the mess, and the dirt under the dust, that we hired a professional cleaning service to come in and basically power wash everything. 

 

 

It was ridiculously expensive compared to our budget, but the peace of mind it gave me was priceless. I didn't hear a single critique while she was visiting! (Well, not about the house. She had a few things to say about my hair and my parenting.)

 

 

Of course, many of you will remember we were known for our huge Christmas dinners. We hosted twenty to forty friends every year between 2003 and 2019 (excepting '16 and '17.) It got easier prepping the house every year, as the kids grew older and were able to genuinely assist in the run-up. Also, since it was an annual affair, we all knew the drill. 

 

However, inevitably, there was enough "what the heck do we do with this" stuff to fill a basket or box, which would get stashed up in the attic. Did we ever reclaim those boxes? No, no we did not. I was in the attic yesterday, looking for old children's books to pass on to baby Paulie, and stumbled across a few. At this stage, I think it's best to not even look at what's inside; out the door and straight into the trash bin will be best.

 

Dear Readers, have you had V-I-Vs (Very Important Visitors) or a high-profile event at your party? How did you carry it off?

In the Swim

DEBORAH CROMBIE: When I’ve turned in my book (soon, soon, I promise!) my daughter wants to take me for a day at a multi-pool spa place. Apparently there are all sorts of different mineral pools at different temperatures in which you can lounge to your heart’s content. And there are food and drinks and other fun spa things. It's called World Springs and doesn't it look fab?? Check it out, seriously. I'm very excited.

But my very first thought was I’LL HAVE TO GET A NEW SWIMSUIT.

And that is a big ugh because I don’t think there is anything worse than shopping for a bathing suit–unless it’s shopping for jeans. (Guys, you may be exempt from this particular trauma–unless you are torn between boxer trunks and, dare I say, the Speedo?)

Does anyone else still say bathing suit, by the way? I have a suit, and I’m pretty sure it still fits. What I don’t know is whether the fabric will have disintegrated since the last time I wore it… Obviously, I need to get in a pool more often.

Does everyone do their swimsuit shopping online these days? My email inbox is stuffed with swimsuit ads from Land’s End and LL Bean, but the suit I have, a cute Marimeko print with a matching cover-up, I bought at Target. I quail, however, at the thought of trying on suits in the cubicle of a store dressing room.

Reds, especially the swimmers among you, what is your favorite place to shop for a suit, and what style do you prefer?

LUCY BURDETTE: I’m waiting eagerly for good advice on this topic, because my suit is also disintegrating. The question is where to find a suit that doesn’t expose bulges that I swear weren’t there last year? My sister in law wears a bikini and she’s older than I am–not a chance for me!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I still call it a bathing suit, Debs! I have three. One is for when I’m swimming for exercise at the Y; it’s a standard one-piece, very boring but it stays on and stays up, which is an important quality if you have bosoms. Which I do. The second one is my Official New England Old Lady suit, a sort of short empire dress with the rest of the tank underneath. I famously wore this at the nude beach in Hawai’i, and was quite comfortable doing so. The dress is VERY forgiving of anyone’s figure flaws. 

Finally, I have the “oh, no, everything else needs to be washed” suit. We’ll see if the elastic has hung on for one more season when I bring down the summer clothes from the attic.

I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever have to buy a new suit. Probably order twenty online and try them on in the privacy (and more forgiving light) in my bedroom. Thank goodness for free returns.

JENN McKINLAY: We have a swimming pool that I live in during the AZ summer months. Every spring, I usually buy two bikinis (I’m too tall for a one piece - rides up constantly - very uncomfortable!) at Target and by the end of summer they are worn out. I try not to overthink it! 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Yes, I love Land's End. There's a really cute tankini that seems to work. High cut pants, separate top, flattering. (I guess...) I still I also have a high-necked (yes) scuba looking suit which is kinda cool. But with all my heart, if I never had to wear a bathing suit again I would be happy.

And I can tell you, sisters, I will NEVER got to a store and try on bathing suits ever again. I mean, I am not a masochist.

DEBS: Hank, this is one place where online shopping was a boon to woman kind. And Jenn definitely has the right attitude! Writing this blog post got me in gear, too. When a Land's End ad popped up in my email first thing this morning, I picked out a suit for half price. Hope it fits because it was non-refundable! I went for a two-piece tankini because if there's anything worse than trying on swimsuits, it's trying to get in and out of a wet one-piece. It's similar to the one in the photo above, but I couldn't copy Land's End's ad photo.

Now I will be prepared to celebrate book-finishing in the mineral pools!

How about it, dear readers? Are you swimming this summer, and what are you swimming in?

An Oldie but Goodie with Some *Very Good* Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: We're running this post from four years ago because some of you will have missed it and it's good enough to read over and over! (In my humble opinion.) Plus it has the most adorable picture of Rhys and her John you will ever see...

The Reds Dish with Advice on Marriage

 LUCY BURDETTE: Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of John and me getting married. Thirty years! How did that happen? Last year at this time, John was in the hospital with medical problems, so I feel even more grateful this year. I hoped the Reds might help us celebrate with pictures of their wedding day, and best advice for folks just starting out. (Or really, people in the middle might use this too!)

A wise therapist once told me that there’s not really any such thing as one marriage. You and your spouse embark on what becomes a series of marriages, depending on how each of you might be changing internally, plus changes outside with family challenges, health issues, aging, money, etc. To make it through all this, keep talking, stay kind and calm, and focus on the positive reasons you married this person in the first place.  How about you Reds, advice for newlyweds?

HALLIE EPHRON: I hate to say it, but the most important thing is to get lucky and marry the right person. Not as easy as it sounds. I could have walked off with quite a few Mr. Wrongs.

Jerry was Right and his timing was impeccable. It helps if he’s easy to look at and laughs at your jokes. 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I knew Jonathan was the one the moment I saw him. There’s no way else to describe this, and he felt the same way. We were “older,” me 46 and him 56, and I think that meant that we’d both been through a lot of experiences before, and realized not only what mattered, but what didn’t. 

Little stuff does not matter. If we’re feeling cranky, we just say–”I’m feeling cranky, it’s not you”. Individual items do not escalate into “you ALWAYS.”  We are both polite to each other–if someone does something small, like empty the dishwasher, the other always notices it, and remarks on it. We respect each other and we listen to each other. We take turns. I think he is fascinating and brilliant, and yes, he thinks I am funny, which is so important, because I think I’m hilarious but that’s not universally felt.

 We compliment each other every day. We are not one bit competitive with each other (except at Scrabble, another blog), and are truly supportive. We are patient with each other (although it doesn't feel like “patience,”) team players and good friends. We both think we are very lucky. And laughter, right?

JENN McKINLAY: Laughter. I often tell the Hooligans that the only reason that their dad and I are still married is because he makes me laugh. That’s a big part of it, I believe, but even more importantly, when adversity strikes, you have to jump in the fox hole together. Our marriage was a bit unbalanced as Hub suffered some big setbacks in the beginning, and I was always right there at his side. I thought I didn’t need him as much as he needed me. Then a crushing blow hit me, and lo and behold, I discovered my marriage had layers that I’d never even suspected. Hub kept me tethered with infinite kindness and patience, being there for me just like I’d been there for him. My advice? Keep your sense of humor and have each other’s back and you’ll be just fine. 

RHYS BOWEN: We were off to a rocky start as John was raised old school upper-class British–meaning you don’t show your emotions and the husband expects the wife to do the child rearing. He came from such a reserved background, boarding school at age 10, a father who only shook his hand, so I can understand how he turned out the way he did. Now he realizes how much he missed out on, not really knowing his kids. He has had so much more enjoyment from knowing his grandkids.

What has kept us together is sharing basic values on money, religion, ethics. Also we enjoy the same things–we love to travel, we love to get together with family and friends, and to laugh at British comedies. And as the years have progressed he has been so supportive of my career, my biggest champion. In fact the moment he retired he became a different person–much warmer, friendlier and encouraging. So perhaps the stress of work was an overriding factor.

Now he can tell the kids he loves them when they call him. He can be appreciative, in fact he tells me almost every day how lucky he is to have married me. So all’s well that ends well, I guess!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I would agree with everything said so far, and add 'practice kindness.' No matter how much you love someone, there will be days, weeks and sometimes even months where you would just as soon turn the garden hose on your spouse as talk to them. One of the most important things I learned in marriage counseling was to act loving, even when I wasn't feeling it. This does two things: it keeps your determination to make your spouse's life better alive. And, in the principle of fake it until you make it, you find that acting with love helps restore those feelings of love.

The second most important thing I learned was, if things aren't going well, get help! People often comment on what a great marriage Ross and I had. Well, that was because we worked hard at it, including going into couples therapy when necessary. If you have doubts about how well it works, take us as proof: we raised three fantastic children together and made it to our 30th anniversary.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Wow, I think we should go into marriage advice business! We are just a couple of years behind you, Lucy, as we just celebrated our 28th. Rick made me this graphic.

So obviously I agree that a sense of humor is super important, although it's not something that usually tops people's lists when they are looking for "romance."

But just when I am so annoyed at Rick I can hardly stand it, he'll make me laugh, and then whatever I was aggravated over doesn't seem nearly as important. And simple kindness and shared values can't be stressed enough.

How about you Reds? What's been important in your relationships? Or heck, things that haven't worked? Any advice for newlyweds or those out looking?