Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Red Sox Nation?" What a bunch of shit that is."
Hank Steinbrenner, one of the principal leaders of the New York Yankees.

JAN: One of my blog sisters (and it wasn't even Ro) suggested that I make public my list of the most attractive Red Sox players. This is the list that I put together during the long hours I spend watching each and every Red Sox game in front of our 8 foot by 5 foot projection style HD TV, which makes all players larger than life and perhaps a little too crystal clear.

(Monday's no hitter by Jon Lester is why it is incumbent on fans to watch EACH and EVERY game, by the way.)

Of course, you might think this is highly parochial topic, addressing only the Red Sox and not all of MLB baseball, but come on, I can't watch EVERY GAME in every division. And besides, the people at NESN, with their non-stop marketing, have brainwashed me into believing that there is actually a RED SOX nation that is not limited to the six New England states.

I'm not going to give you the entire list of HD baseball beauty because it's just mean to put anyone on the bottom of any list, no matter how superficial and stupid that list might be.

So I'm going to give you only my top five in the two categories, pitchers and position players.

And remember this list is purely HDTV attractiveness, which favors fine features that photograph well, and completely omits talent, heart, intelligence, or that certain je-ne-sais-quoi alpha-male thing that goes into real-life attractivness.

And again, the list does NOT correlate to my favorite players.

Top Five Position Players
Jason Varitek (okay, this does correlate to my favorite player list, but just by accident)
Jacoby Ellsbury
Coco Crisp
Julio Lugo
J.D. Drew

Top Five Pitchers

Javier Lopez (who is an unappreciated talent, by the way -- again, just a coincidence)
Mike Timlin
Hideki Okajima
Jonathan Paplebon
Tim Wakefield

Okay, now you may all argue or vote for another player, but remember the parameters AND that they all look completely different without their caps on. Most pitchers look deliberately mean when they pitch, and many batters have outright bizarre expressions. You really have to see them in the post-game interview, preferably AFTER the shower, to vote fairly.

If you want to add your own list of other baseball teams, feel free. But stay away from basketball (this means you, Ro), which we should save for another blog topic, entirely!

HANK: I'm laughing too hard to answer right now. Pause Pause. And now, sadly, I'm thinking about this. (Did you LOVE the game last night? I could NOT bear to watch it. And on the radio, because we listened to mid-game innings on the drive home from an event, the announcers kept talking about a no-hitter. Can you believe that? When everyone knows you're not supposed to mention it.)

Then, during the final inning, finally at home, I was literally listening from around the corner because I could not watch. Then I came to the staggering conculsion that what was going to happen was going to happen whether I was watching or not. That it did NOT depend on me. So I watched. And whoa.

Okay, thinking about good looking players. Hmm. At least not-Sox are easy. NOT Johnny Damon. NOT A-Rod. (Bad attitude trumps good looks.)

JAN: Yes. This list is very official. It's updated according to trades, the DL, and assignment to Pawtucket. We could start a former Red Sox player list though. Johnny Damon might make it, but only with the longer hair.

HALLIE: This is very difficult, because due to a longstanding habit, I cannot watch this team play ball with my eyes open. And I'm still mourning Nomar and Pedro, as adorable as they come and talk about star power.

But hey, okay, here's my vote for...

Top Position Players
Jason Varitek (it's hard not to factor in personality)
David Ortiz (mesmerizing, and too bad if he doesn't fit as the DH)
J. D. Drew
Mike Lowell
Jacoby Ellsbury
Sean Casey

Top Pitchers

Javier Lopez
Jon Lester
Tim Wakefield
Daisuke Matsuzaka

JAN: Okay, some agreement, some differences. Personally, I think Hallie let her heart get in the way of her superficiality (but then again, she doesn't have HDTV, so maybe she can't acheive superficiality). I, on the other hand have honored this ridiculas set of rules I've dreamed up and deliberately left out Mike Lowell, who I've got a crush on, but whose eyebrows made him sixth on my HD list.

What do you guys think?


  1. They do all look different with their hats off. But hat on or off Jason Varitek is a cutie-pie. I think Manny's kind of cute with the hair and the do-rag, but the other guys all look the same. This isn't a Yankee thing either - those guys are all goofy looking with the possible exception of Kyle Farnsworth. I think the Mets have the cutest players...but this isn't my week...

  2. It's okay Ro. You can tell us about your Mets. We Red Sox fans actually like the Mets!

  3. I'm sorry to be such a slacker, but I don't watch baseball until the exciting playoff season begins. Though I do consider myself a member of the Red Sox nation and I will happily look at photos of handsome athletes any time I'm pointed to them.

    When I met my husband, I was a total, total tennis fiend. I taped all the tournaments on TV and doggedly made my way through them, at the expense of a reasonable life. In those days, I could easily have made a list of the best-looking players. In fact, I used to attend the Volvo tournament in New Haven for an entire 10 day stretch. It takes a certain zen state to sit on bleachers that many hours. but I still have a program that one of the hunks dripped sweat on as he signed it for me...

  4. I'm a tennis fiend, too, Roberta. And we could do a whole blog about HDTV-tennis good looks if only I could spell all those Russian and Serbian names.....

  5. Omigod. I'm waiting for the French Open to start. Reaching back...was Stefan Edberg the cutest male tennis player or Mats Wilander? Ro, I would definitely go to the Pilot Pen if you're interested in ogling some beefcake this summer...

  6. Never mind the eyebrows, Mike Lowell is one of my top 5 any day. My daughters think Jason "Tec" is the best ever. And we agree about Johnny Damon and the hair--think Delilah got to him? My younger daughter obtained somewhere a larger-than-life cardboard Normar and kept him in her room for years. I'm guessing he's fading, because the cutout got moved to the dining room, where everyone in the family had heart failure at least once seeing a big man in the unlit room...They still wear the Nomar and Pedro shirts, though. I raised 'em right. Jeanne Munn Bracken

  7. Hi Jeanne,
    I wear a Youkilis t-shirt to bed each night, which proves again that my HDTV list doesn't have anything to do with my favorite player list (except Varitek, of course) and I agree with you, Mike Lowell is terrific!

    Go Sox!