Tuesday, December 19, 2017

THE YEAR OF INTERVIEWING DANGEROUSLY @wendywelch





LUCY BURDETTE: Though I've never met her in person, today's guest is someone I admire deeply. She absolutely puts her efforts into making a difference in the world. (Make sure you look at her bio after you're finished with the post.) She has a big job, but she also owns and runs a bookstore, runs a cat rescue organization (out of the bookstore), and writes books. Her latest, FALL OR FLY, about foster care and adoption in Appalachia, will be published in January. It's such an important topic and most of us don't know much about it. I wanted you to hear about this from her. Welcome Wendy!





WENDY WELCH: I started writing Fall or Fly: the strangely hopeful story of adoption and foster care in Appalachia, without realizing I was writing it. A local pastor (one of the sweetest, most integrity-filled people around) asked “Could you do for foster parents what you did for cancer patients? And then write a book about it?”

Translation: could we organize storytelling circles at churches wherein foster parents told their personal journey with any eye toward interesting others in foster parenting? Last year, a similar faith-based project with cancer survivors had good effect in screening uptakes.

Unfortunately, foster parents in the public eye are targets for criticism: saints or demons, no middle ground among those who don’t foster but enjoy telling those who do how it should be done. It’s ugly.

No, we couldn’t see people who had already opened their hearts having others fire bullets at them. Instead we created a blog, and I worked to edit and refine participants’ stories for anonymous publication. This was most satisfying; it’s fun to write, exciting to tell other people’s stories as a journalist, but helping others get their writing the way they want it? I LOVED this part. And thought it was the whole thing.

We agreed to launch the blog at an Appalachian Studies event nearby. The presentation was published in the conference handbook, and my phone rang. Gillian Berkowitz, editor-in-chief with Swallow Press at Ohio University, wondered if a book were associated with the project. No? Would we like one to be?

I called Dale.

“Dude, praying for a book deal was cheating.”

I could hear him grinning all the way down the phone line.

Those stories that had delighted me to work with and relieved many foster parents of their feelings of isolation became the 
basis for Fall or Fly, yet we needed more. Much more. The year of interviewing dangerously began.

Dale and his colleagues introduced me quietly to social workers, foster parents, adult or teen foster kids, senior officials, and sideliners (pastors, school teachers, nurses, a few others). Typing notes in abbreviated misspelled swiftness, I listened to Vesuvius blow. When people in professions bound by silence finally get to talk, they start with anger, move into frustration, melt into ineffectiveness and failure and finally emerge into hopeful moments when things came right. Tempting though it was to write only the later inspirational stories into a larger framework of “Look how great this is!” that would have been wrong—for honesty or accuracy.

Much is going wrong in foster care, and not what the public thinks. Outcomes are easy to criticize, success hard to define, let alone achieve. Even getting it right may look wrong to the armchair outsiders. A friend raising an autistic child hated when her baby had meltdowns in stores because of ill-informed public comment: “That tantrum deserves a spanking!” It was actually sensory overload, not something easily explained to mom-on-the-street, who first required convincing such a thing was real—didn’t happen to HER kid—then that neither spanking nor demon-casting would expel it.

Similar stories abound in foster care: insert gay, sexualized, starved, physically harmed, and yes, autistic, and repeat. Everybody knows how to raise kids. Raising other people’s is so different?

Yes, it is. How does love translate to young’uns who have taught themselves not to need it before their brains are fully developed? When you’re raising kids whose bio parents are substance abusers, how do you show love to those “no-good *&^%$ failures” your children idolize and will reunite with someday, even though they’re hurting the kids you’re trying to help? All but four of the children in Fall or Fly had living parents abusing drugs. When you become addicted, you don’t stop loving your kids; you stop being capable of caring for them.

Those are not subtle differences in the foster care world.
Writing Fall or Fly was exhilarating, scary, dark, yet strangely hopeful – hence the title. The chaos and frustration of a system that pulls against itself is exhausting to capture in words; God help those who walk into it every day fighting for the children. And yet, candles only show when it’s dark. The people in there—parents, social workers, admin, interested bystanders—they don’t spend their time cursing the dark (well, not after the first week of interviews). They keep the lights on.

Is it enough light? Are we sliding into significant repercussions across not just Appalachia, but America? This place may be the poster child, but the problem is nationwide.

Hope is expensive. Exhaustion feeds darkness. Candles shine. Which is stronger?

Wendy and Jack at the bookstore

Wendy Welch directs the Graduate Medical Education Consortium of Southwest Virginia, working at the intersection of health and economic development. With her husband Jack Beck (presenter of Celtic Clanjamphry for NPR) she runs a shop that is the subject of her 2012 memoir Little Bookstore of Big Stone Gap. Editor of the volume Public Health in Appalachia, her most recent book is Fall or Fly, telling the story of foster care in Coalfields Appalachia. And she is ringmaster of the all-volunteer cat rescue APPALACHIAN FELINE FRIENDS. She sleeps between these things.

Follow her on Facebook or on the blog she shares with Jack, her husband, who is a larger-than-life Scottish character.

48 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this with us; I’m really looking forward to reading your book, Wendy.
    God bless all those good people and the families that are so dedicated to caring for the children . . . it’s hard to imagine how difficult it must be for those Little Ones . . . .
    Curiosity compels me to ask what your favorite thing about running a book store might be???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The customers. They are walking books with fascinating stories to tell.

      Delete
  2. My hope is that your book becomes a runaway best seller. Thank you for sharing this. The analogy of a candle is so very powerful.

    Your sentence, "When you become addicted, you don’t stop loving your kids; you stop being capable of caring for them[.]" really struck me. Living in South Florida and working in the legal profession, we hear the horror stories on a daily basis. When I read this statement, I felt a seismic perception shift. Thank you for the new outlook.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that a perfect line Kait? It reminds me of the very hard movie we saw recently, THE FLORIDA PROJECT.

      Delete
    2. That was one of the first things "Dale" said to me. It's not a fine line, but people explode when you try to point out that addicts love their kids. Every story needs a villain....

      Delete
  3. Thanks for sharing your interviewing journey and publication of this book, Wendy.

    Several friends of mine have been foster parents to dozens of children and I hear stories of how the foster care world can be both frustrating and rewarding.

    There are probably similar challenges and issues with the foster care system here in Canada (Ontario) as in the Appalachians (and rest of America). And of course, the media tends to focus on the horror stories of foster parenting, not the successes or finding ways to better support everyone involved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. The horror stories take up all the bandwidth.

      Delete
  4. What beautiful work. My nephew and his wife (in Idaho) foster children frequently. I will send them your book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! And please tell them thank you for fostering!

      Delete
    2. I will, of course. Six years ago they adopted a pair of siblings they fostered (they always wanted a big family but got only one birth son), but Mary still fosters babies, newborns I think.

      Delete
  5. Thank you Wendy. And blessings on those foster parents who give so much of their time, homes, money, love and souls for these children. I don't know how they do it, work so hard and feel so much, only to say goodbye to chunks of their hearts when the children leave.

    I couldn't even foster kittens without wanting to keep the whole litter.

    I made home nursing visits to a baby in a foster home many years ago. She was the youngest of a rainbow brood, all loved and cherished by foster parents. Yes, they got paid. But if they hadn't, they could not have begun to care for five extra kids, not counting their own three. It was just before Easter, and that mother had new outfits laid out for all the children, ranging in size from newborn up, stairsteps.

    Not a job I could take on, but thank God there are parents who do

    ReplyDelete
  6. I cannot stop applauding! Thank you thank you thank you

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your writing is so compelling, Wendy, and your mission so worthwhile. I'd never have had the courage or generosity to foster a child, as Ann says thank God there are people who do. This is the time of year when I give to good works, is there an organization that does good work in support of foster parents?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh, this is tricky. Don't give to a group home. Maybe check with your local community service board (CSB) about the safest options. What's great in one state sucks in another, alas. To be honest, most places are well funded, especially private agencies doing therapeutic adoptions. You might offer to sponsor a party for kids attending foster care group therapy sessions via the CSB, or buy pizza for the social workers. It's surprisingly hard to buy food for events with government money. And pizza, as we all know, is an amazing morale booster. Seriously.

      Delete
    2. Hallie, although late for Christmas this year, some state agencies -- each state has a different name, but something like Department for Children, for Families, for Child Welfare -- along with partners in the private sector sponsor gift collections for children in foster care. There are also similar back-to-school collections -- back packs, school supplies -- in the fall. And, three cheers, Wendy, for pizza for social workers!

      Delete
  8. What a wonderful, important story. Thank you for all the work you do!

    Mary/Liz

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your comments moved me, Wendy, and FALL OR FLY sounds like a must read. The foster care system is overburdened and funded with less money than it takes to buy one jet for the Air Force. If a country is judged by how well it cares for the youngest and most vulnerable, God help us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One of the saddest stories happened while I was writing. They lowered the age of aging out of foster care from 21 to 18 in my state. As "Cody" one of the composite character social workers said to me every chance he got, "They took that money to put kilometers and miles on all the road signs on the highways. Very important to do that. More important than guiding kids along life's highway." Cody was a maverick's maverick.

      Delete
    2. This is the part that I can't wrap my head around--in today's world, really, how many 18-year-olds are capable of being on their own? Finding a job, decent housing, continue their education/training, find affordable health care....buy groceries, etc.

      Hopefully your book will not only open eyes, but insert some common sense into the people who are revising the rules and regs for foster care.

      Delete
    3. I am pleased to say that Ohio recently moved somewhat in the opposite direction, approving at least some funding to support foster youth after age 18 if they are pursuing education. It's not nearly enough, but it's something.

      Delete
  10. Wendy is fighting with Blogger comments this morning--she will be here soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Where? I would be happy to go on defense for her.

      Delete
    2. I think I've punched a hole in the fog? Blogger and Wordpress appear not to like each other.

      Delete
  11. I have a great deal of respect for Foster families and everyone who is working hard to help kids. It isn't an easy job. Great for you for putting a spotlight on it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "Fall or Fly" sounds fascinating, Wendy. I have great admiration for people who foster; it seems like a huge emotional risk to care for and love a child who will probably leave your home before too long. How do the foster parents deal with their attachment to their foster kids?

    In Seattle, we have a wonderful organization called Treehouse. Its mission is to give foster kids the same opportunities that other kids have and this includes helping them graduate from high school with a plan for the future. I've volunteered in their "Wearhouse" where foster kids and parents can shop for new and like-new items, and I donate money to them, as well. Maybe there's a similar organization in the Boston area, Hallie?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How foster parents deal has as many answers as foster parents.... :] Treehouse sounds wonderful!!!

      Delete
  13. Thank you, Wendy, for diving into a difficult topic and for finding the hope where some see none.

    I have a very personal story related to foster care that sensitized me to this whole difficult, murky issue. When my son was in high school he had a close friend who had been permanently in foster care from the age of 8, after being in-and-out since the age of three. At 18 he was about to become homeless, so we invited him to live with us for a while. The while ended up being four years. I know we were of some help to him, as he truly wasn't even close to developmentally ready to care for himself at the beginning. But sadly, he was also so very damaged by his early life that we were only able to bring him so far. He is living independently now, keeping a roof over his head and food on his table, and we count that a big success. But he has been out of our house for more than two years now, his still-addicted birth mother is a big factor in his life currently, and I fear his current life choices reflect her values much more than ours. We are at the point where we do things like give him a grocery store gift card rather than cash for Christmas, because it limits his options on how to spend it.

    Like many such kids, he had some wonderful foster parents over the years, and some not-so-wonderful. It's easy to dwell on the not-so-wonderful parts, and on the path he seems to be following today. But without all those foster families, he would never have made it to where he is today. And as long as he has life, there is hope for a better future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susan, thanks for sharing that story. It is so complicated, and lucky for him that you stepped up to help him when he needed it. Fingers crossed that he'll be able to take the positive influences in his life and use them to move forward.

      Delete
    2. Good for you and yours for being there. Too many stories of kids who aged out and got thrown out are out there.

      Delete
  14. Wow! What important work you do in so many areas, Wendy. I don't even know where to begin to discuss the foster care system, but I do know that I feel so bad for the kids who as you state, "have taught themselves not to need it (love) before their brains are fully developed." I can't wait to read this book and give it to a few other people who will want to read it, too. Thank you for your dedication to the foster parents and children.

    My daughter and son-in-law did not rescue a foster child, but their rescue is the same story that foster children often experience. My sixteen-year-old granddaughter is not my daughter's biological child. She has been with my daughter and her husband since she was six years old, when they moved back from Key West and got married an settled in son-in-law's hometown. His sister and her then ex-husband were drug addicts. Again, as you so aptly point out, these parents couldn't care for this beautiful little girl. Addiction becomes more important than love for a child, and although this doesn't mean those parents didn't love her, my granddaughter still lived through a nightmare of their making. So, my daughter suggested that she and her husband be allowed to take this precious child into their home and raise her. Long story short, the addicted parents agreed, and that's how our family came to have this darling girl to love. But, she has scars, scars that have required therapy and devotion not only to providing a loving home for her, but a home with rules and expectations that help help her have structure to her life. The biological mother has been clean for some time, but she has thankfully acknowledged that her daughter is in a loving home where she thrives, and my daughter and her husband have a biological daughter, eight years old, who adores her older sissy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wow that's quite a story Kathy! your kids helped it have the happiest ending it could have...

      Delete
    2. Yes, we all love her so, and I'm glad her biological mother and father agreed that she could have and deserved a better life.

      Delete
    3. Addiction drives so much of the foster care system now. The social workers talked about the difference between the home removal visit after school being the "good old days" because now they wind up riding along on drug busts, 3 am, sirens blaring, kids scared out of their wits. It starts bad and gets worse.

      And yet, the upstream approach - "let's hit the opioid crisis head-on!" - leaves the kids as tertiary damage. Which is a really bad idea for them and for our nation. Our most precious asset as collateral damage... yeah, no. That's what made this so hard to write. How can you tell a story no one wants to hear?

      Delete
  15. Well done, Wendy . . . so much good work since ETSU. <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Wendy. I read your bookstore blog but had no idea about this wonderful project. Thanks for sharing with us and I will very much look forward to the book.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wendy, I've been reading your bookstore blog on and off but like Debs, did not know about your book. I've known many people who were foster parents, including some of my relatives, and all of them are heroes, in my opinion. I look forward to reading your book.

    DebRo

    ReplyDelete
  18. Just a late in the day thank you for your work.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Great interview. Can't wait to read your new book.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm late, too, but I wanted to chime in and thank you for all that you do. I have several friends that are foster parents and I have learned so much about loss through meeting these kids. I'll definitely be looking for your book to share!

    ReplyDelete