Monday, April 26, 2021

How Competitive Are You?

 RHYS BOWEN: I have a confession to make: I am very competitive. Always have been. Always wanted to be top of the class in school, to win the ballet competition. I entered strange competitions as a child: I won a cash prize for my essay on why I liked a department store.  I was a really keen tennis player in my youth--played for my school, my college, but then later in life did not enjoy league tennis because it was so competitive, so perhaps I'm mellowing.

When I am playing any family game I want to win (this became ridiculous when I played Trivial Pursuit with my kids and they ended up handicapping me by having two of them reading out clues from different categories at the same time. And me: Iceland and 1934. Kids: rats!

And I regret to say that I have created competitive children. Two were elite athletes, playing for college and one for the US. But the others are just as competitive. Daughter Clare came home from school furious because she didn’t get a perfect score on a test in driver’s ed and she thought the instructor’s answer was wrong. It was a pass/fail course. It didn’t matter. But it did to her.

Over the years we have had endless family competitions: volleyball, corn hole, bocce ball as well as the games we play on holidays--Taboo, Reverse Charades and the Name Game--the current favorite. Everyone writes the name of a famous person on  a piece of paper. The reader reads them all out and we try to guess who chose which name. It sounds simple but the names are really creative and funny.

You should have seen the family when we went to a fun park with go-karts, water boats, mini-golf etc. The intensity to win as they drove those go-karts!  (especially the sons-in-law) This summer we’re all going to San Diego for a week on the beach. I imagine there will be plenty of beach games, swimming races etc!

Our strangest competition: when the first grandchildren were babies I bought a wooden puzzle of sea creatures you had to lift out with a magnetic fishing rod. The adults (especially the males) turned this into fierce competition as to who could lift all of them out and then put them all back first.  We had crackers one year with racing wind-up penguins in them. Endless races across the dining table.


But just the other day I saw a picture of a competition I would never want to enter: competitive ironing. That’s right. Room full of ironing boards and women ironing. It was for a Miss America pageant long ago when ironing was a skill of every good housewife.  I would be dead last!

So how about you? Is your family competitive? What is the strangest competition you have ever entered?

LUCY BURDETTE: Yes competitive! But sheesh the first thing I thought when I saw this post was that I better get my answer in before Hank did, LOL. And I know not to play scrabble with this JRW crowd either. My family was pretty competitive, I can remember playing rounds of board games like risk and monopoly, which my older sister almost always won. We also played giant games of kick the can while on vacation with all of the age groups represented. Teams would do anything to get near enough to home base to  kick the can and free their imprisoned teammates. I can remember things like adults driving a car near the can so other team members could drop out of the passenger side and take the guardians of the can by surprise. Or dress up in costume and pretend to be a random passerby, and then burst into a mad dash to the can.

On a more serious note, I was very competitive in school too. I think it was fifth grade when I received a report card that had two B’s on it (the rest A’s.) I went to the teacher, crying. She agreed to change my gym grade from B to A-. (Honestly, it wasn’t because my parents were ogres!) And to be honest, to stay in this writing profession, you have to be willing to compete hard with a million other writers. The great thing about our Jungle Red family is that we’ve figured out how to support each other at the same time!

HALLIE EPHRON: I am not competitive.

Stop laughing.

Seriously, I hate board games. Hate card games. I play Candyland with my grandson only under duress. I will NOT play Scrabble with my husband because he always… gets the good letters. All I get are vowels.

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Right, Hallie. It’s the GAME’S fault. :-)  But I don’t play Scrabble with Jonathan because he’s too good. I mean--he is incredible. Words on many levels.  I can beat him at every other game, though, just saying. So he won’t play with me, either. We do compete on the Sunday NYT Spelling Bee word, though. (ANd FYI, I STILL insist Provolone is a proper name, and should not count. Anyway.)

(Have you played Code Words? It is SO much fun! We play it with the kids and grandchildren, and it’s amazing. Very brain-twisting.)

Okay, yes, I am competitive, but I kind of don’t look at it that way. I like to do the best I can possibly do at whatever it is, is more how I see it. I understand, though, that psychologically it’s not always ….the most rewarding thing to do. 

I well remember, word for word, a conversation I had with my mother when I was in high school. She told me: Honey, it’s better if you don’t always win. And I was absolutely baffled. I said: Why?  

And she said: someday you’ll understand.

JENN McKINLAY: I am actually not competitive at all. Weird, right? I have always played games for fun not to win -- much to the chagrin of my volleyball teammates. If I (or anyone else) hit the ball into the parking lot or the duck pond, I thought it was hilarious. The men used to get mad at me, but I wore them down. Finally, one of them admitted that while we were the losingest team in the league we were the most fun and laughed through the whole season. Sometimes we were laughing too hard to play -- you can’t beat that with a trophy.

Also, I love board games but mostly because of the ridiculous antics that come with them. Hooligan 2 came out wearing swim goggles, potholders, and a clothespin on his nose when he had to give his Ti Tia a winner’s foot massage at Monopoly! Hilarious!

As for writing, I am mostly competitive with myself and am constantly trying to write a better story, a tighter mystery, or try on a new genre. I genuinely believe that there is enough room at the table for everyone and if another author enjoys brilliant success, it reminds me that I have that potentiality, too.  

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Posting next to last to prove my point. Not competitive. (So that makes three for and three against, right? Julia can tip the balance! Seriously, having grown up with a brother ten years older that was the BEST at everything, there didn't seem much point. I'm terrible at sports (always picked last) so no fun competing there, either. I do want to write the best possible books, but that's because I don't want to disappoint myself or my readers. But I love love love trivia, so if I ever get to play on a pub team again, you'd better watch out! 

RHYS: So, dear friends--how competitive are you? And what is the weirdest competition in which you've taken part?

58 comments:

  1. No real competitiveness here . . . the girls skated in competition for several years, but they were generally focused on learning new skills and having a good skate rather than on scores [but, of course, they were always happy when they placed in the top three].

    I'll play Clue [or Monopoly or Scrabble or anything else] with anyone who will play with me . . . .

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  2. Funny responses - some I wouldn't have guessed!

    I'm competitive, or have been. In high school I wanted my name to have the most organizations after it in the senior yearbook, so I joined groups like Future Teachers of America even though I had no plans to become a teacher, and I was President of the German Club. By the time I got to be a senior, I didn't care any more so I don't even know if I "won."

    I'll play Scrabble with my older son but he's so brilliant at it I never win, and it doesn't bother me at all. I'm just happy to have raised him.

    Like the rest of you, I compete with myself in my writing. It's lovely to be nominated for an award, but mostly because it means people loved my book.

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  3. I used to be a basketball coach. I'm VERY competitive. Or at least I was. These days, I'm less competitive since I don't coach anymore.

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    1. Probably good for your heart and blood pressure as well... reminding me of when my daughter was in track and soccer events and I was super competitive on her behalf. "Good hustle" was what you said to cover your disappointment when one of the players whiffed.

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    2. Hallie, you are definitely right about the heart and blood pressure. One summer season I had an appointment before the season ended. The blood pressure was high. The doctor set up another appointment for when the season was over. The pressure was something like 30 points lower.

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  4. Yes, I am competitive. It started early in grade school since my parents pushed me to get all A grades in class but that fueled that destructive perfectionist tendency in me that was hard to change until I was in my 40s And I had to be valedictorian at my university graduation.

    As for computer games, I play Word Chums which is Words With Friends, and let's say that I have over 80 #1 place ribbons playing the weekly challenge against 12 online friends.

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  5. I'm not competitive at all. Like Deborah, I was always picked last for sports. But I am fierce where my writing and books are concerned, always trying to make this one better than the last one.

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    1. Yup, I know this one. It's exhausting but I also think it makes sense. Of course, we want our next book to be better. When I stop caring I'll know it's time to put the pen down.

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  6. No, I'm not competitive. I don't mind coming in second.

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    1. YAY! Did you ever see ..oh, what was it? The cheerleading movie. Bring It On. Such a great theme of competition.

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  7. Jenn, you are competitive: You always want to be sure everyone is helpless with laughter! Score!

    Neither Steve nor I are competitive, despite his high school and single college year playing football. He was captain his senior year, but that was because he's such a team player. I'm more likely to compete with myself than with others.

    My oldest daughter and her husband are cutthroat, though. They will fight to the death no matter what the competition is. Did you know foosball can be a blood sport? Their son is more like me, although he's a pretty good swimmer. One night we watched my middle daughter grimly holding on to a mechanical bull while the operator did his best to throw her off. One of the scariest things I've ever seen. LOL

    I love Scrabble, and was enjoying Words with Friends until one partner accused me of cheating. Apparently, she thought she should have won all the games. I just stopped playing with her, because that's too much drama for a word game.

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  8. When I was five I won the best camper award. That started a lifetime trend.

    My dad was super competitive, my mom, not so much. I always tried and try to be the best at what I do. I love trivial pursuit - known as TP in my house, scrabble, board games in general. Like Jenn, though, winning is not everything. Fun is!

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  9. I say I'm not very competitive, but my family would probably disagree. But really, if I was I don't think I am any longer. I was another "picked last for teams" when it came to sports. My dad and I used to have a friendly Trivial Pursuit "score," but I'm not sure it was competitive, as much as just something we did. I like board games, but not when people get crazy about it. It's supposed to be fun, right?

    Like others, I do compete with myself in terms of books - always trying to make the next one better.

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  10. I compete with myself. If an anthology editor doesn't accept my story, I want to know why.

    When I attended Y camp in the Poconos, my cabin always won the nature question prize because I knew which reference books in the small camp library had the answers. Writing mystery stories with toxic plant clues was already wired in my head.

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  11. I’m not competitive. I enjoyed good grades at school mostly to please my parents and I loved to learn new things.
    I am not athletic and never enjoyed “ sporty “ games and was not often chosen to play them anyway.

    I like to observe people’s behaviour while playing games, it brings me a lot of fun. I also like to participate and it is more fun if I win sometimes but it doesn’t have to be all the time.
    The more memorable games for me are those where I had a lot of fun and laughing.

    Hank’s conversation with her mother: it struck me. I understand why she remembers it.

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  12. I'm more competitive with myself--it's one of the things I most admired about youngest nephew's track coach in middle and high school--the coach wanted his kids to win, of course, but he put just as much emphasis on bettering their personal goals. We like to play board games--I'm terrible at most of them (except word games), but it's the fun we have together that I'm there for. The littlest guy is cutthroat at Parcheesi (grown-up rules) and shows no mercy!

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    1. We endured some awful coaches, Flora. Win at all costs! I’m not that sort of competitive!

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    2. My daughter played softball on a good team, but her coach was so horrible that we finally dropped it. He got in physical fights with ref and other coaches. Some of the other parents were pretty awful, too.

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  13. I'm the least competitive person I know. I'll play games but it doesn't matter at all to me if I win or lose.
    My sons are competitive. When they were young I would play board games with them and deliberately lose so that I could quit. I made the mistake of telling my son that it's as hard to lose on purpose as it is to win. He was very angry that I let him win.

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    1. Good for him! And that is hilarious. It IS hard to actively but secretly lose a board game. :-)

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  14. I agree with those who said they feel they are competing with themselves, in my case especially when it comes to Toastmasters competitions. I sometimes compete in the evaluation contest. Here's how it works: the contestants listen to a "test speech" they've never heard, from someone they don't know. Then they are sequestered and have 5 minutes to organize their notes. The Sergeant at Arms takes away their notes and gives them back to each individual as they go back into the main room to deliver a 2- to 3-minute mini-speech critiquing the test speech, including what the speaker did well and giving specific examples of how the speaker could improve the speech. Numbers are drawn in advance for the speaking order, and contestants are not permitted to hear the contestants before them. I was in my division evaluation competition on Friday night, and I drew the very last number, so I didn't get to hear anyone before me. That was a bit annoying, but it allowed me to concentrate on how well I could come up with useful comments, whether I could remember them (my notes are always chicken scratches), and how smoothly I could deliver them. I had no idea how the others had done. In a way, it was a blessing. (I always wonder why I am putting myself through the scariness of the evaluation contest, but I know it's good to get out of my comfort zone.) By the way, I won, but now I have to do the same at the district contest. Wish me luck!

    But here's where I am really competitive--when I play the card game, Aggravation (no, not the board game). It's a rummy game where you collect something different in every hand, and you can steal something in the discard pile unless someone ahead of you wants it first. The hand is over when someone "goes out" completely (though not all at once like gin rummy). My parents introduced me to the game, I taught it to my husband and children, along with some friends, and we even added two additional hands to make it more difficult (the last one is a killer--two runs, one set (3 of a kind), and no discard (in this hand, you have to go out all at once). It's all in good fun, but loud voices and some cursing are de rigueur. My family knows I love it, so they make sure we play it at birthdays and holidays when we're all together.

    Oh, and my parents threatened to take me out of elementary school for a year (I had started a year early) if I didn't lighten up about getting all A's. I don't know where that came from. My parents didn't say I had to be perfect, but somehow, as an only child), I felt that pressure. But that ultimatum worked, and no, I didn't get that new car promised for making Phi Beta Kappa (a used Mustang was just fine).

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    1. Since I often can’t read my writing I’d be doomed, Margie!

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    3. Wishing you luck in the district conbtest, Margie!

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    4. My mother-in-law was an only child and the need to be perfect has dominated her life. Exhausting.

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  15. Not athletic, always last picked for teams. Struggled in school so average grades were what I expected and delightfully surprised when I got any B, let alone an A, grade, even on a test or paper. So no, I learned that being competitive wasn't important. Just do the best I could do and be satisfied.

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  16. I am competitive when I think I have a chance of winning. But I am also realistic. In the races I won, I am trying for a time I know I will make since I know I will never win first place. (I'm at least double the time of the winner.) But on board games for example, I will do my best to win.

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    1. My daughter, an elite swimmer, always raced against herself. I remember her winning by half a length. "Good swim," I said. "No, it wasn't," she snapped and stomped away because it wasn't her best time.

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  17. Rhys, this is an interesting topic about being competitive. I think I am more like Jenn - I like to play games for fun. Though I could say that I am competitive in terms of striving to do the best effort. After recovering from meningitis, it took me quite a while to learn everything over again like walking again. Thrown into the mix was my 120 dB hearing loss that affected my balance.

    It took me four years of skating lessons and holding an expert skater's hands before I could skate on my own. I remember my only skating competition where I placed third place and this was within months of skating on my own. I was happy to be on the platform even if it was third place.

    Academically, I always did well in school and I remember my teachers being surprised that I got perfect scores on the Stanford achievement test. This was years before I had to take the OEBIT, ACT and SAT exams, which was a different story.

    There is healthy competition and unhealthy competition. I do not mind healthy competition as long as everyone is gracious regardless of who wins. When there is a sore loser lashing out at people who win or do well, it changes the tone.

    Regarding board games, I think I do okay though I have not played for a while. Regarding driving lessons, I remember wanting to do well before I got my driver's license. I wanted to make sure that my driving skills were excellent before getting my license. And I wanted to have 100 hours of driving lessons before getting my license. It was really important to me that I have the skills since I was getting my driver's license later in life.


    Diana

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    1. Diana, that is so true of healthy competition. Youngest nephew lost his first ever spelling bee competition at the district level--coming in second place. I was never prouder of him than when he walked up to the winner and shook her hand and congratulated her (he was a 4th-grader) with no prodding from me or his teachers.

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    2. Flora, he sounds like he is already a wonderful person. I love that. And thank you for sharing.

      Diana

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    3. Diana, I am so impressed with your achievements. Skating for months like that takes guts!

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    4. Rhys, thank you. It was something that I really wanted to do.

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    5. Aww. Flora. That's adorable. And Diana--you are a ROCK star!

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    6. Aww, Hank. Thank you for your kind words!

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  18. I missed this conversation entirely, which probably indicates how NON competitive I am. I love board games, but I don't care if I win or not - I mostly love the play and the interaction with my kids/family. I'm perfectly happy to let cars go ahead of me, to be the fourth-best cook or baker among my friends, and I'm genuinely glad when one of my writer peers enjoys a great success.

    I will say that I'm an extremely self-confident person, and am nearly always pleased and happy to be me. I wonder if that has anything to do with my lack of competitiveness?

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    1. Julia, perhaps that has something to do with your personality? Like you, I love the play and the interaction.

      Diana

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    2. You might be on to something. I remember being sixteen and realizing I was stuck in here so I'd better learn to like myself!

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    3. Huh. That's an interesting correlation.

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  19. Lots of interesting responses today!

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  20. As a child I was very competitive. Mom did NOT like to play board games with me (I was a sore loser).
    I was athletic and enjoyed all kinds of physical activity. And I wanted to earn the top grades. Somewhere along the way I realized that the odds were stacked against me in some endeavors simply by being a female. I did a 180 and started doing things simply for the pleasure of playing. We had a trivia team for a while that was great fun. We also changed its name weekly to whatever grabbed our fancies. After Frank had an adventure in Colombia with the FARC we were What the FARC? for a while. Anyway I beat all the competitiveness out of me years ago to live an easier, more relaxed life. I could happily be on Jenn's team for the fun of it.

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  21. I realize I have to add that although I am competitive I am not a sore loser. I truly rejoice when a friend wins an Agatha and I thought their book was really good.
    I realize I have had more than my share of good luck, good fortune and frankly every day of being healthy and alive right now is winning.

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    1. Rhys, I love that you are always gracious. It's a wonderful feeling to rejoice when a friend wins.

      Diana

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  22. I guess it depends on what it is as to whether I'm competitive. In school, I always wanted to be the best student academically, and, thankfully, I was valedictorian in high school, had a 3.92 (yes, I am not satisfied it wasn't a 4.0) for my undergraduate degree, and a 4.0 for my Masters. Of course, I wasn't trying to beat anyone else really, just wanted to reach the highest level of achievement. In sports, like cheerleading and golf, I was definitely not the best or close to it, but that didn't seem to bother me.

    As far as board games go, I enjoy playing them as much as winning, but winning is always nice. My husband is terribly, sometimes unpleasantly, competitive in board games and cards. When we were first married, without kids, we would play cards, spades, with another couple. It was our Saturday night fun, alternating houses and the wives fixing dessert (yes, it was in the late 70s, and the wives did the cooking or baking). Anyway, my husband was dead serious about the card playing, while the other three of us just wanted to laugh and have a good time. He counted cards and couldn't understand how we didn't care about doing that. But, he got the competitive streak for games from his mother. The family game was Aggravation, and we always played on the old board his parents had used for years with another couple. When our kids and my sister-in-law's kids were growing up and grown, Aggravation continued to be played. Long after my father-in-law died, my mother-in-law ruled the Aggravation board. I avoided being her partner, because I wasn't serious enough or strategic enough. She was a whiz, but she upset more than one family member with her severe reprimands. I won't let husband play games with our grown children and me. He's way too brutal. However, it's interesting that he will play chess with our eleven-year-old granddaughter and behave quite well. He's never ruthless with her, but she's pretty good at chess, too.

    I don't like playing games online with people. I'm more interested in seeing how well I can do in word games than seeing how well or poorly I do against someone else.

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  23. After reading Lucy’s comments, I realize I have no idea how Kick the Can is played. The description doesn’t jibe with my fuzzy idea of it. But then I grew up only child out in country far from friends, so what chance would I have had?

    Not competitive, particularly, kind of just wanted to be better than average but as good as I could. I was very good when playing water polo in high school and college, but it’s a team sport.

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  24. Also...board games. You have to have others with whom to play...and I don’t. My wife isn’t interested, and it’s just us here. It was the same growing up, no one to play with; my parents just weren’t interested. “Read a book” my mother would say, “Go outside and play “, my father said. So I did, and no board games. Sniff.

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  25. I was competitive in school, but I feel like I've gotten more easygoing with board games over the years. The oddest family competition we had? A watermelon seed spitting contest. I don't think there were any real winners with that game!

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