Saturday, March 26, 2022

What You WISH You Had Known...



HANK: When you were in college, who was the person who told you anything about anything? About how to behave on your own, and what to do on a “date,” and what was expected and what was cool and what was not cool and how to say no and what that even meant? Back in the day (cough cough) nobody told me anything. I have to say. And I remember at some point–when was it?-- when we all immersed ourselves in Our Bodies, Our Selves, the absolute saving grace book that is probably in its millionth printing right now.

But times have changed, and so have a lot of things, and if you have a friend or a child or grandchild or an acquaintance or anyone in college, isn’t it amazing to think how much they all need to navigate?

So. Tiny bit of backstory. A million years ago, and I mean maybe… 15? When my first book came out.A brilliant savvy powerful public relations person here in Boston asked if I wanted to do a signing at Macy’s. Well yes, absolutely unquestionably yes, I did! And we became pals.

And time went by. And now her daughter has written a terrific, timely, contemporary (and also useful) guide to college – nothing to do with classes, but a lot to do with life. Here's the official (and exciting!) announcement.



 So of course, it was my turn! So I invited her here to meet you all.

Do you know anyone who might need this? And after you read it, I have a question for you.


DO AS I SAY, NOT WHO I DID
By Ali Drucker

When my proposal for my first book, DO AS I SAY, NOT WHO I DID, was finally sold and the real writing could begin, I knew I wanted to include as many funny moments from my own dating history as possible. The book is part memoir, part expert interviews, and features tons of sex and relationship advice for young women in college. So I knew the more funny and embarrassing anecdotes I shared from my past, the more relatable I could make myself to readers.

No one wants advice from someone who’s never made a mistake before, right? If you’re too much of a perfect paragon, you risk coming off as preachy rather than personable. But I was surprised to learn along the way that the stories I thought were the most outlandish, most guaranteed to get a laugh, were among the ones I didn’t see fit to include when all was said and done.

Here’s one of those stories. Toward the end of my college years at the start of the semester, I met both an upperclassman I was interested in and a new peer in one of my seminars within a day or two of each other. I put their numbers in my phone.

The following Saturday night, after a drink or two, I began to text the cute guy and invited him over. I flirted via text, getting more and more excited as he alerted me he was on his way over. I heard a knock at the door and when it slowly creaked open, the cute guy with the floppy brown hair and dark eyes who I thought I was texting wasn’t the person staring back at me. 

Instead I saw a poor, confused Freshman who was in one of my classes. I was mini dress-clad and gobsmacked as I gushed profuse apologies, explaining I hadn’t meant to invite him over after all. When I added both gentlemen’s numbers to my phone, I hadn’t properly assigned a contact name, and you can easily put together the rest. This story never failed to get a giggle with my friends, but you won’t see it in the book.


Nor will you read about the time I accidentally mixed up a bottle of personal lubricant with hand sanitizer, to near disastrous ends. Fear not, the mistake was noticed before any sensitive skin was dragged into the unfortunate mix up. Let’s just say I never thought I’d be grateful for the pungent, antiseptic smell of sanitizer. I told an old coworker about it one day and she laughed so hard she nearly cried.

You would think stories like those which elicit a big reaction would be no-brainers for a book, but ultimately I had to face the fact that they didn’t serve a tangible purpose. What’s the real takeaway there? Be more diligent about assigning names in your address book? Read labels more closely, no matter the circumstances? In the end, I found that the antics that taught a real lesson were a lot more worthwhile, even if they were a bit less over-the-top and funny. Still, I love getting to share the “rejects” whenever I get a chance. There’s always a home for them somewhere.

Are you ever surprised by what you cut from your stories? What’s your strategy for finding new homes for your favorite, funny rejected moments?


HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: So as I asked in the beginning--do you know anyone who might need to read this? Seems like a perfect graduation gift...

Now I'm trying to remember something that happened to me in college that I wish hadn’t happened–happily, nothing springs to mind. I do remember the time I tripped on something, and slid all the way across the highly polished wooden floor of the Sigma Chi dining room. Luckily it was not revealingly indecorous, just ridiculously awkward. 

The rules of who can be where were much stricter back then than they are now, that’s for sure. I also wish I had realized that the fact that I had no dates whatsoever, (well, very rarely,) did not matter in the long run. Or probably even in the short run. 

 Treading carefully here, of course, because it’s Jungle Red, anything you wish you had known in college?


PS: AND THIS WEEK'S WINNERS are:

Of Maggie Smith’s TRUTH AND OTHER LIES: Vicki
Of Jess Montgomery’s THE ECHOES:  Deana Dale
Of Charles Salzburg’s CANARY IN A COAL MINE: Sheri
Message me your addresses at hank@hankpryan.com




Ali Drucker is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles who covers sexual health and pop culture. She lives with her husband, temperamental cat, and moderately well-behaved dog. You can find her work in The New York Times, New York magazine, HuffPost, Refinery29, and more. She previously served as the sex and relationships senior editor at Maxim and Cosmo. When she’s not interviewing people about their sex lives, Ali enjoys loading up on SPF and going to the beach, taking easy hikes, and snuggling with her pets while watching old episodes of shows she’s seen a million times on Netflix.




DO AS I SAY, NOT WHO I DID
It’s hard to overstate how much we put pressure on early sexual encounters— and how little real advice is out there. How do I deal when I keep running into my one-night stand? How can I tell if I’m too drunk to have sex? How do I say stop when I’m not really into it? In this unflinchingly honest guide to hookups and relationships in the twenty-first century, Ali Drucker answers these questions and more—with “been there, done that” confessional advice, plus input from experts on sexuality and from students in college today.

66 comments:

  1. Congratulations, Ali, on your first book . . . .

    Sometimes college seems like it was back in the dark ages . . . definitely a different world than college today. I have fond memories of sitting up in the dorm lounge with my roommate drinking coffee and typing papers until the wee hours of the morning on the day they were due . . . .

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    1. Typing! All nighters! Yes, that was my college too…. Xxx

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  2. Back when I was in college most young ladies did not have sex. We expected to get married. I had two serious boyfriends during my whole college career but our dorm rooms were too well supervised and men had to leave by 10 pm when the college doors were locked. We did sneak in late sometimes by climbing through a window!

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    1. I am overcome with delight, imagining you climbing in through a window! That image will never leave me… Fantastic! Seriously, though, interesting how you were right at the end of those kinds of restrictions… We had them too, but they were just beginning to be removed.

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  3. First year at University of Waterloo was a huge adjustment. I spent the first year in a co-ed dorm.
    Being an only child, living with 50 girls on the same floor and sharing bathrooms and having a roommate took some adjustment. Like many freshmen, I gained weight that first year i.e. the Freshman 15. I had a meal plan and ate meals at the dorm cafeteria. I wish there had been ingredient and calorie labels on the meal choices. I had no idea that granola and OJ was such a high-calorie breakfast!

    And unlike Rhys' college, our dorm floor were not that well supervised. My roommmate had no trouble bringing in guys to stay overnight. Our beds were only about 4 feet apart, and I wish I had earplugs!

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    1. Oh, the food! Yes, no one ever told us about that… And peanut butter was the devil. And I will, Grace, that must’ve been so cringey. Did your roommate ever apologize?

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    2. HANK: Nope, my roommate Francine never apologized. One year of dorm living was enough for me. I rented my own apartment from year 2 onwards...

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    3. And PB was not a problem. Besides breakfast, it was pizza and beer nights that contributed to the Freshman 15. Legal drinking age in Ontario is 19 and I was 19.5 when I started university.

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    4. Oh, hilarious! I was 17 when I went to college, and drinking age for 3.2 beer in Ohio was 18. So I used to friends ID card, of course. It’s a funny story …

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    5. Grace, I am so sorry to hear that your roommate was so inconsiderate. No young person should be subjected to that type of environment in his/her home. I am incensed on your behalf!

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    6. Hank, any attempt I ever made to use someone else's i.d. lead to disaster. Those are truly stories I will never tell. (Cheeks still burning. Oy.)

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  4. Congratulations on your first book. Let me say up front how brave you were to use personal stories!

    I went to college in the dark ages of same sex dorms, curfews, and locked doors between 10 PM and 7 AM. Life, as they say, was very different. Strange to think of that now, especially as our generation was quite convinced we had invented sex without giving a thought to how we might have arrived on the scene! What do I wish I knew at the time? How grateful I would be for the continuing friendships I established and how little the strife and drama would ultimately matter in real life.

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    1. That is so funny Kait, and you are so right! I certainly thought my parents had no idea about anything I was possibly doing.

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    2. Kait, LOL! I think of it more as our generation was the first (since the Romans) to give ourselves permission to experiment with sex!

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  5. Congratulations on our first book.

    I was a commuter to my college, and as soon as my class was over, I was on the subway headed home. What I should have done was stayed around to see hang out with other classmates.

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    1. I don’t have any friends from college, actually. I think I know where one of my classmates is… No, two. But that’s all.

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    2. Thanks so much! A theme from this book is that regret really doesn't serve us much, I'm sure you still got a lot out of your college experience!

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    3. You are so right, Ali! Sometimes I think – – what if I had to do college all over? Two things: one, I’m glad I don’t have to. And two, I would not do one thing differently!

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  6. So many congratulations on your book, Ali.

    Ah, the heady days of college! I honestly have no regrets. A bunch of us lived off campus, we rode our bikes everywhere, we joined a food coop, we studied Our Bodies Ourselves, and we had both serious and hilarious discussions. But I'm also glad it was pre-HIV days, because I got busy exploring the world of sex right away.

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    1. Thank you, really appreciate it! Regrets really don't serve us anyway :)

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  7. Congratulations on your first book, Ali!

    Let's just say that I was a late bloomer, back in the pre-internet days of the previous century. It would have been comforting to know that same-sex relationships would not always need to be kept hidden.

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    1. Those days were SO repressive for so many younger-days friends of mine, Amanda. It took three of them years to settle happily and openly into their true selves.

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    2. Yes, indeed, Edith. So many years. Thank goodness things have changed for the better...

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    3. It was all hidden then and probably terrifying for gays to even contemplate being outed. I don't think that I was aware of anyone who was gay until I was well into my 20's and I had no understanding of it at all. Amanda, the education on LGBT issues and rights is on-going and still meeting resistance. We must stand together again in the face of the oncoming right wing backlash.

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    4. So fascinating and disturbing to think about… I went to an all women’s college, actually, and I don’t think there was ever any discussion of same-sex relationships. There certainly must have been, of course, but I’m not sure I ever knew of them. And it was certainly not discussed. Isn’t that completely bizarre? I have never thought about that before.

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    5. Thanks so much Amanda, and I'm sorry you had to endure that. Thankfully I got to speak with lots of different folks of varying identities for this project!

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    6. On this matter, while we have a ways to go still, we have also come a long way since then.

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    7. My aunt had different female roommates while I was growing up, but I didn't think it was odd, it was just how she lived. It wasn't until there was a vote to make it illegal for gay people to work as teachers that it was explained to me that Aunt Donna was gay. My dad said it simply - that if I voted one way, Aunt Donna would no longer be a professor, if I voted the other, she could continue to teach. Some 30 years later, when gay clergy conversations were happening, Mom stood up in church and spoke about her sister, Donna. Donna was the know it all, pain in the a%% older sister of seven siblings who just happened to be gay. Mom's statement was simple - Donna was there for her family, demanded fried chicken dinner and chocolate chip cookies be made when she came to town for a visit, and she was who she was - get over it.

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    8. Deana: Yay for Aunt Donna -- and also a big YAY for your dad and your mum.

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  8. The memories I'm suppressing! Looks like a great HS graduation gift in combination with The Naked Roommate.

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    1. Oh, what is, dare I ask, the naked roommate?

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    2. A survival guide to college: The Naked Roommate and 107 other issues you might run into in college. pub 2017

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  9. September 1965: curfew at 10:30 on weeknights, 12:30 on weekends. Sign-out, sign-in. Dorms locked. No men allowed except fathers and brothers on Sunday. Sundays: skirts or dresses required on campus. Someone always at reception to announce your gentleman caller or your visitor, or your phone call on the one and only house phone. You could have a phone in your room but there were NO message machines. A letter from home was needed to leave campus overnight. Dorm mothers. RA's.

    Spring 1969 (same school): no curfews. No dress codes. Men allowed on the floor at any time. Co-ed dorms. No letters necessary to take off overnight. Come and go whenever you please.

    I certainly had friends with more experience who gave advice. We discussed our adventures. We laughed, we cried. We cursed more colorfully than any women before us. We negotiated as best we could in a changing world. It wasn't only the sexual revolution. It was a racial revolution as well. It was the Vietnam War. It was much, much more.

    Congratulations on your book, Ali. It would be very interesting for a bunch of us old-timers to read it as a book club. Ha! Edith, what do you think??

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    1. Yes, that was certainly the time of change. We are colleges realized they did not have the same responsibility as parents. As I said, I went to an all women school, though, and I’m not sure there was ever a man in the building. So weird.

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    2. Thanks so much! A big theme of this book is that it's never too late (or early!) to start thinking more critically about our intimate relationships. I think there's a little something for everyone.

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  10. Ali, Congratulatons on your book! Sounds like a great dating survival handbook. That poor "confused freshman" - I wonder how he remembers this.

    I was clueless in college... and hot to trot. A bad combination. Could have waltzed off with Mr. Wrongs any number of times.

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    1. Oh, I am laughing! So many things could’ve gone wrong… So many and in so many ways! Terrifying to look back on!

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    2. Thanks so much! That's a big part of the reason I wanted to write this book -- so that the next generation could feel the freedom to make mistakes but with enough information to keep themselves safe.

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  11. What a wonderful gift this book would make for one going off to college. Alas, at this point in my life there is no one left who fits that profile!

    I, like Edith, wasted no time exploring the world of sex. But one of my all-time favorite stories from those days is not only mine, but my roommate's. She was a gorgeous transfer student who looked like Stevie Nicks. She dated A LOT. One night a mutual friend had a date with her and asked me, confidentially, to make alternate arrangements for the night as he figured they would need some privacy. As my day played out I could see that I would need to stop back into the room to pick up some things and feared walking in on them, so I left a note saying I was going to visit my mother but WOULD return briefly before I left. When I did so, I found my roommate sitting and sorting laundry. Confused, I asked "Where's Lee?" She replied, "I don't know." Then with just a hint of a grin, and a twinkle in her eye: "Certainly not here...much as he would have liked to be."

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    1. Thank you so much, I agree it would make a great book for gifting. And I'm just glad your funny stories were a bit less traumatic than mine!

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  12. I recently came across my old copy of Our Bodies Ourselves, an early one, on thin newsprint type paper . . . so radical to put all that information into young women's hands. I handed it over to a great-niece, a nurse, and hope she will preserve it. In 1966 at Monmouth College, we were closely supervised by those who took in loco parentis seriously, but I do recall a roommate returning to the dorm with a spiked beverage (I almost gave her away, grabbed it and took a thirsty drink before she could warn me) and rumors that some on the ground floor opened windows for beaus to enter their rooms.

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    1. What would we have done without that book? xxx

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    2. Our Bodies Ourselves was a big inspiration for this book! Thanks for reading.

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  13. Hallie's words describe me at college (1971-1975) better than I can describe myself: totally clueless about boys and sex, but still hot to trot. What a disaster that was! After all these years there's still stuff I can't laugh about. But at least I'm old enough now to feel almost as sorry for the equally clueless and confused young men I "encountered" in those days as I now feel sorry for my very young self. If ONLY I'd had such a brilliant book then, Ali. What a service you are doing for undergraduates. Still, it's hard to believe that any youngster today is as naïve as I was when I got to college. Kim as a freshman at 17: "I wonder why this grad student teaching my poetry seminar is being so friendly to me. Inviting me to coffee in his office all by myself and stuff. It almost seems like...but no, he's so OLD, he can't be coming on to me. I mean, he's a grown up--probably twenty-six or -seven." And no rules about inappropriate relationships in those days. I think 2022 is a better time to be a young woman than 1972--or maybe not. At least I didn't have to cope with Tinder when I was in college.

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    1. Yes, I agree! We were absolutely clueless about such possibilities… I mean, those people were old! and 2022 versus 1972… That could be a good debate. But knowledge is power, certainly.

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  14. Sounds like a great book, but not for college students.
    Today these are concerns for much younger women, sadly.
    Having gone to college as a totally naïve, inexperienced person, those years were quite an education!

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  15. Your book sounds terrific, Ali! I wish I'd had it high school! I was, shall we say, an early bloomer. I had a very checkered educational career, and by the time I got serious about college I was a couple of years older than my classmates. I lived off campus and so never had to cope with the traumas of dorm life--but then I suspect I missed out on some fun stuff, too.

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    1. We are delighted at how you turned out, dear Debs!

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  16. I sometimes fantasize about going back in time to my early college years. Being a freshman in the fall of 1967 in Austin, Texas. What a trip! This time around I would worry less and enjoy more. Not be so careful about following the rules. Get over to Threadgill's and hear an impromptu concert by Janis Joplin. Enjoy it all and not be so worried about school, grades, blah blah blah.

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    1. Well, I can tell you I did the opposite--I cannot tell you how many classes I skipped! I sometimes think I majored in "rock and roll"and "independent reading." Both of which, actually, have served me well. So we do what we do...xxoo

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  17. Ah! This sounds amazing!!! I have college aged boys with girlfriends - I am buying multiple copies! Also, until I draw my last breath in this life, I will be ever grateful that I graduated college just before the Internet took off. The shenanigans live on in anecdotal form only - phew!

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  18. Ha! Congratulations on your book.

    I was in college from 1964-1969 (including getting the MA). I was in a mens dorm, 2 per tiny room, bunk beds, study tables built in dresser. Only residents allowed in the building. I went to classes, ate at cafeteria, studied, went to a movie on Saturday. I was a Grind. No dates, no parties, no drinking, lots of time at the University Library. I had to bust it just to get Bs. When I was out of school and in an apartment I hardly knew what to do with myself! Beside my M-F regular job I had a gardening business on weekends, so I was always busy, and tired. I bought a Very Good component stereo system and listened to a lot of music. I always heard about college being party time and wondered huh?

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    1. For some. And music was our saving grace, right? We all still know all the words.

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  19. This sounds amazing! Congratulations on your book!

    When I started college, I had this wonderful Guide to college, now out of print, by a teen actress who gave great advice like if you have questions about class materials, do not be afraid to see your professor and ask questions / ask for help. If you are stuggling with the class material, seek a tutor, These things were very helpful when I was trying to navigate my first year of college.

    Diana

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    1. Oh, that's great. Yes, guidance! Yay, Ali, for providing a real-life guide for the out-of-class questions, too!

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  20. First - Thank you for selecting me to receive a copy The Echoes. I'm looking forward to reading it.
    I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, in the 1960s, and even with my above comments about my Aunt Donna and I know I lived a very sheltered life. I didn't go away to college until I was past 21. I lived on campus for financial reasons, no car, no bike but I was at Chico back when there was a closed-door policy regarding on campus drinking and being over 21, I was popular for about 2 days. If I wasn't going to be invited to your party, why would I want to buy for you? My first real eye-opening experience happened when my first roommate arrived from New Hampshire. She arrived with boyfriend and wanted to know if I was okay if he slept on the floor. Small room, two beds and large boyfriend was not going to work for me. It took her a while, but she eventually understood or at least I think she understood my rejection of that idea. Like I said - sheltered life but not naive.

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  21. This sounds like a very good book. Perhaps every college orientation should offer a copy to their incoming class. Or maybe even in high school.... I hope it has a section on consent! I look at the 25-story privately owned structures built as residences but rented like apartments and shudder.

    Pretty much everything I know I learned from a book. "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask" was published in 1969. I was 12. It appeared on the book rack in my father's drugstore and was in my hands shortly thereafter. My Mother found it and hid it from me, but that wasn't a successful strategy. While the information was handy, I do wish I'd also gotten the social and cultural memos that needed to go with it. When I think back, there are more than a few things that causes blushes. I also remember Our Bodies, Our Selves. What a wonderful resource that is.

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    1. YES! I totally swiped that book from..somewhere. It was brilliant, wasn't it? I remember? Certainly edgy at the time.

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