Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Spring Cleaning for the Empty Nester

 JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: I'm getting started on my Spring cleaning, and some of you may be saying, "Isn't this a little late for for that, Julia?" Others of you with low and snarky minds may be saying, "What, Spring cleaning 2019?" But friends, I honestly have a good reason to drag my feather duster this year - the Maine Millennial is moving out.  Into her very own, title-and-mortgage house! 

As some of you may recall, she moved back in with me in December 2019, after breaking up with the Very Tall Boyfriend. Then stuff happened. You may have read about it in the news. Two and a half years later, she has a new job, a new guy (the Very Redheaded Boyfriend) and finally, a home of her own. (More about this Saturday.)

 

Her very small bedroom, which looked like a ship container stuffed with used first world clothing headed for the tropics? Will be emptied.

 

Her Ebay side hustle (she's a millennial, of course she has a side hustle) which has required me to turn over 75% of my family room to storing wares, empty boxes, and packing material? Will be relocated.

 

Her cat, who stopped using the downstairs litter box and began PEEING IN MY BEDROOM until I got it a new litter box all of its own (which I also empty every other day, because, again, bedroom)? Will be in a new bedroom. Which has wall to wall carpeting. Heh heh heh heh heh.

 

Her dog, who barks at the slightest pretext and follows me everywhere I go, and whom I have been caring for five to seven days a week for the past eighteen months? Will be trying out a new day care. The Maine Millennial's new house is an hour and a quarter away from me, way too far to drop the dog off. It's sad. So very sad. I am sad. Do you believe me? 

 

And of course, all the little things that get dropped, left, crumpled and misplaced will cease to exist. 

 

It's not that I regret having the Maine Millennial here, or that I won't miss her. She could have moved out after finished grad school, but that was when Ross started to get sick, and her presence (and car) was a godsend. When the pandemic shut us all up our bubbles, she (and Youngest and Guest Son) kept me busy and moderately sane. And most importantly, having her spend the bulk of her twenties at home, without charging rent or expenses, enabled her to save up enough money for a twenty per cent down payment, with enough cash left over to buy a new queen bed and a sectional sofa. That was a great gift to be able to give her.


But now, baby, this house is mine, all mine! I'm going to be dusting. And sweeping. And vacuuming. And mopping.  Since I didn't really do anything with it when she went to college, there are parts of her bedroom that haven't been touched since it became hers in 2004. The family room will be getting a deep cleaning for the first time in years, and I'm going to be tossing out SO much stuff I don't need or want anymore. Just losing two pets out of six will lower the animal-hair-everywhere quotient by a third!

 

How about you, dear readers? Have you ever said, "Yee-haw!" when getting rid of the last child?  Did you roll up your sleeves to scrape Pokemon stickers off the wall? And did they ever come back? (No, don't tell me that last. I don't want to know.)

78 comments:

  1. There wasn’t much sticker-scraping to be done when the girls left and, yes, I was sad to see them go. Since neither came back, I find myself wishing they’d return to visit more or that they lived a lot closer than they do. But . . . they’re happy and well, so it's really all good . . . .

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    1. That's what we all want for our kids, Joan. Part of the reason I'm so happy about this move is that she's so happy about it as well. She worked really hard to be able to afford her own home, and I'm super proud of her.

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  2. JULIA: Your gleeful excitement is very clear. I don't have kids but can tell the story from the other perspective. My very pink-coloured bedroom was QUICKLY changed into a sewing room by my late mom as soon as I left home at 19. When I came back to North York for Thanksgiving & Christmas holidays during my first year of university, I had to sleep on the living room couch. As for my childhood stuff, it was mostly packed away in my mom's large walk-in closet.

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    1. P.S. Canadian Thanksgiving is in early October so I was stunned at quickly any trace of my childhood was packed away. On a positive note, knowing that I had nowhere to stay at home during my first summer off gave me another reason to go on my first solo Eurail/Britrail/hostel trip for 2 months!

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    3. Grace, your mother must have been wanting that sewing room for a long time! Either that, or it was the only way she could cope with losing her only child.

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    4. KAREN: Our condo did not have a spare room, so yes, my mom really wanted that sewing room! The university co-op program at Waterloo had me alternating between 4-month academic & work placements for 5 years. That's when my mom started making my one-of-a-kind business suits from her own customized patterns (skills she learned from working for that Yorkville haute couture designer).

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    5. Grace: My Mother had a garage sale after I left for University, ridding herself of the detritus of me and two of my sisters (her words) and then sold the house!

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    6. DEAUN: Yikes, that's hard. No, my parents stayed in that condo for most of their lives. I was the vagabond that moved a dozen times between 5 cities during my 20s & 30s.

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    7. Grace, one of the things I want her bedroom for is to have a sewing room again! Most of my stuff stayed in my bedroom at my parent's house until I moved to DC, and then the final "come and get it or it's gone for good" came when they were getting ready to sell and downsize.

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    8. I moved around too from west to east and address to address until Jonathan arrived in my life when I was 40. I have lived more sedately in Ontario than anywhere else.

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    9. JULIA: Enjoy the new sewing room! And at least your parents gave you the "come get it or it's gone" warning. When my dad downsized to his tiny apartment in the retirement home in 2016, he threw out anything I might have wanted without telling me. That includes all our family photo albums & sentimental items from Japan.

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    10. Oh, Grace, I'm so sorry. That's awful.

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  3. That must feel so good, Julia! I did a deep clean and half-reorg of my office a month ago and it has a whole new vibe.

    I had a stepped-down sons exit. After son #2 graduated from high school, I sold my post-divorce house and combined households with Hugh. Each boy had a bedroom (and I can still host two couples in beds in rooms with doors that close), and each came back for a half year or a year in the earlier years. They're good housemates and cooks (and didn't bring pets), but that era is over. And I think we no longer have anything of theirs in storage. Oh, wait - John David's snowboard is in the shed (he's the one who lives in Puerto Rico...). Not a problem.

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    1. It's definitely a slow-motion exit of all my kids' things as well. Spencer still has a lot here, even though I know he's not going to be living at home again, because it didn't make sense to have him take all his clothes, shoes, books, etc. when he was subject to deployment or a different posting. He and Veronique are talking about moving to Charlottesville after she graduates; that would be a good time to say, "Come and get it."

      Youngest? Who knows. Her closets are full to bulging in her Bangor apartment and she still has enough clothing here to open her own boutique.

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    2. Mind you, mine are 33 and 36. It takes a while!

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    3. My middle daughter still has boxes of stuff here, and when she finally bought a house two years ago, it was quarantine and I couldn't take it out to Portland for her. Now that the youngest is living in Africa, we now have some of her and her husband's important stuff here, too. Sheesh.

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  4. Jonathan finished University, came home for 2 months to job hunt, was hired by a Boston company, found an apartment and left. We are lucky to see him. His room is my office. Rachel first moved when her mom remarried, went to University in Virginia, got her first job in Richmond, moved out to the Twin Cities, married moved to Delaware to be near her mom. Her room is our guest room. She rarely comes here. If the cleaning has been neglected, it's all on me.

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    1. I hadn't thought of the downside, Judy - after I muck her bedroom out, it's going to be another space in the house I have to keep clean!

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  5. When we moved to Cincinnati, we were down to one resident child. The post-college stuff for the older two accumulated until the water heater flooded the basement and I could throw it all out. The bedrooms are set up as guest rooms. The kids visit. They no longer live here. It's time.

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    1. How do you know when you're ready to get married, or have a baby, or empty the nest? "It's time." You just know.

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  6. We still have room for visitors, but they aren't the kids' rooms exactly. So that's maybe a good compromise? There is a big pile in the attic, but since Molly and family are also buying their first house, I'm itching to send them a BIG housewarming package:). We do wish everyone lived closer!! An hour and a half sounds perfect Julia.

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    1. I think so as well, Lucy. Spencer and Veronique are committed to Virginia, and Youngest will probably end up in the DC area (or abroad!) since her career interests are politics, public policy, and international affairs. I'm glad one of my kids is absolutely staying in Maine.

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  7. It was chaotic during my first years of recovery. I sent the girls to live with their Dad in California. They had better schools, and were much closer to their grandparents. I became a sober vagabond moving from location to location,relationship to relationship, and job to job. In California the girls were encouraged to leave (read booted) from their home when they turned 18. One chose marriage, one chose to live with a room mates. When one of the room mates went off her meds and decided to kill my daughter .. oh right you didn't want to know that part.
    Well, let's just say when I refer to the we living on Nome Street it's not just the cats.

    The childhood stuff? Located in the Bardo I think.

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    1. I am glad you are here to share your stories.

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    2. Coralee, I will never understand parents who treat their kids' 18th birthday as a license to boot them from the house. Go to college/trade school or a get a job, that I understand. But it's so important to give very young adults a place where they can get their education or work on building a financial reserve before heading out on their own.

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    3. Coralee, so glad that you've come to a good place for you and yours. My parents had eight kids. There was a certain amount of boomeranging from some of us--we always knew we had a safety net beneath us. Those of us with kids never did that '18 and yer out' kind of deal on the next generation.

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    4. CORALEE: That's hard. I had to go to Grade 13 in Ontario so I stayed in high school until I was 19.5 years old & my dad wanted me gone. Converting my bedroom into a sewing room one month after heading off to university pretty much guaranteed that I could not go back for anything but a brief visit!

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  8. Julia, you are going to be busy! That's a lot of house to deep clean. Free workouts! Take before pictures, for sure.

    When each of ours got out of college they were gone for good, except for visits.

    I spent 35 year raising children, since there is 17 years difference between my first and last kid, so I thought I'd be deliriously happy to drop Holly off at college. Except... she was attending The Citadel, and by the time we left Charleston she still didn't have a roommate. My not yet 18-year old daughter was to sleep on a floor (freshmen lived on the fourth floor) with no other women at a male-dominated and male-centric military college. Everything worked out, but it was a nail-biter for the first few weeks.

    Holly and her husband are planning to come back to Cincinnati in four years, to watch out for us geezers in our dotage. But they will have their own place, for sure.

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    1. What a gutsy kid Holly must have been! I can understand why you'd be biting your nails under those circumstances.

      I've already warned the Maine Millennial she's going to be the one taking me to doctor's appointments when I'm an old lady. I figure she owes me for all that free dog-sitting. :-D

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    2. She still is, Julia. And so is the middle daughter. I have no idea where they got it.

      Victoria SO owes you! LOL

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  9. Ah, Julia. When that's all done, you'll feel like a different person.

    We don't have kids so it takes the spectre of a grand move to incite that level of cleaning.

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    1. CD, after helping pack up and move two friends and my Dad's house, I've decided I'm never moving out of here voluntarily. Let my kids deal with getting the stuff out of the attic and barn...

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  10. Congratulations on getting your house back, Julia! None of my kids have ever lived with me in this house, which means all the messes are mine; cats and dogs won't even lift a paw. The basement, however, is a different story. For some reason both sons seem to think that since I have "all that space" they can keep all sorts of stuff here.

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    1. I have a full attic and a large barn, so I feel you on this, Judi. I told the Maine Millennial I would store anything she didn't want to take or give away, but she was responsible for boxing, labeling, and toting it up into the attic. Nothing left in the bedroom or downstairs.

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    2. Judi, I was the family repository for a number of years. As family members downsized, moved to AZ or FL or passed on; various family members kept saying you have that lovely basement ("all that space") which you don't use and this (furniture, lamps, china, crystal, family heirlooms) is important. Well, a couple of years ago, I and a few others of my generation had to clean out a grandaunt's home; that's when I called a family meeting and said all this has to go!!! I called all of the younger family members and no one was willing to take any of the "heirlooms" so I then called their grandmothers and mothers and had them guilt them into taking the stuff... As the old commercial goes: "What a relief it is!"

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  11. Congratulations, Julia!

    The Girl is well and truly Out of the House as she is moving in with her boyfriend (now to get her to sell the furniture from her apartment she doesn't need/want because we don't have space to put it here).

    I thought The Boy was on his way out when he went off to college. But that plan didn't exactly work as expected so he's back. He'd like to have his own place by the fall, but...we'll see.

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    1. Liz, it can be kind of exasperating to have a grown up child around at times. But I've always felt it was a privilege to have the space if one of them needed it, and to have the kind of relationship where my kids would turn to me if they needed help. So good for you!

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  12. Yay! I totally know the mixed feelings about boomerang kids. Mine (currently asleep upstairs) has left home and come back a dizzying number of times. He will be 34 next week. We learned about 5 years ago that he has high functioning autism, which explains a lot. He's doing so well now and will be starting his dream PhD program in September. I am very hopeful that he will fly for good, although you never know. His presence (during the part of the pandemic when he was here) helped me so much with my own anxiety and loneliness AND he sometimes drove me nuts. I will do major fall cleaning! Best to you Julia.

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    1. Gillian, I have a friend whose son has high functioning autism (formerly known as Asperger's) who has bounced back and forth from home while earning two masters degrees. (Which I've seen happen with kids not on the spectrum as well!) His parent's approach is, "We'll keep a light on for you."

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    2. Julia, that's exactly how Matt's dad and I feel. We have each kept the light on for him and kept encouraging him. He has 2 BA's and a Master's and is now heading back to U of Chicago for the PhD. It comes with a stipend!!!

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  13. Oh yeah, Julia, I feel your happy dance! Ours was an essential service worker when the pandemic hit and had to be out in the world daily, so we evicted her into our RV in the driveway. She was not impressed - even though I was STILL preparing all the meals and would bring her dinner each night. After a few months she decided it was time to get an apartment. In short order, she started budgeting (yay!) and saving (double yay!). Now I have confidence that she’s going to be able to take care of herself when we’re not here to do it for her. Best eviction ever.

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    1. Brilliant move, Sandra! I'm going to suggest to all my friends who still have kids in college that now is the time to get an RV. You don't have to drive it anywhere - just make sure it's available if you need it. :-)

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  14. Julia, I feel a twinge of envy here.... Four cats (nephews'), an elderly mini-dachschund (my brother's), two nephews and a grand-nephew. I was getting ready for a major YEE-HAW when that-which-must-not-be-named hit us. We're still slowly emerging from that chrysalis of doom, so not sure when my space (all of my space) will truly be mine again. But, on the upside, having four cats, a dog, two nephews and a grand-nephew around has helped in the sanity department, so it's all good for now.

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    1. Flora, one of the things I kept reminding myself is the fact that one or two adults living by themselves is an historical aberration. For most of the history of our country, multi-generational households were the norm. And I can see why - whenever I go out to mow my 2/3 acre lawn, I mightily wish I had my son or Guest Son around!

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    2. True, I've mowed once so far this season. Thank you, nephew!

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  15. SO exciting--and what a rite of passage for you both! Getting rid of things is SO freeing! (We do have things in the basement from the kids who live in Brooklyn--because just as you said, it's a basement.) But a few years ago, after a quick assessment and some items put in a "do not touch" pile, I called the junk guys to the basement and said: "take everything but the appliances." Highly recommended.

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    1. After they own their own houses or apartments, Hank, I'm pretty sure the stuff left at home is abandoned property.

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  16. My two kids left two years after they finished community college. We gave them that gift of time to save some money before moving out. Plus they each got a used car. And I put money into Roth IRAs for each of them. But then it was time for them to move on -- so I found them an apartment just up the road. Since then they've moved to other apartments and one has left town.

    Life got easier because there were no longer four people sharing the only full bath. (Remodeling has since given us a second). And we get to keep our own schedule. They were night owls and we were larks. I remember those years of whispering to my husband through the morning as the kids slept. And unloading the dishwasher in sloooowly so the dishes didn't clink together - that's a sound that carries through a silent house. Now we can start talking as soon as we get up and make as much noise as we want -- still remodeling and that's not a quiet activity.

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    1. And I bet your electrical bill has gone down, too, JC!

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  17. Rhys: Kids may be back! A couple of ours came and went during their Twenties. One moved back for six months with new husband while they
    Saved for a down payment. I loved it! But we have a big house and there is still plenty of their stuff in it— box of swim trophies, high school English papers etc. I plan on having a dumpster when daughter Clare is here and doing a mammoth clean out!

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  18. JULIA: Still spring cleaning here. It seems like an endless task! How do you decide which books to keep and which books to donate? I have too many books! The last time I moved, I decided to keep a series of books and I made the right decision because that series ended shortly after the move. That was one of my favorite series! I have been reading articles about decluttering and borrowing ebooks like MINIMALISTA by Shiri Gill ? from the library through Libby.

    Sorry to be late to the party this morning!

    Diana

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    1. Diana, I'm the wrong person to ask, because I hold on to my hardcovers forever. I've been clearing out a lot of my mass market paperbacks - I figure if I want to read them again, I can go the library/used/ebook route. I do tend to buy a lot more ebooks these days, and save hardcovers for special books I know I want to keep. It really helps to keep my bookshelves from collapsing.

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  19. I love that you are reclaiming your space. That water color of the house is beautiful.

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    1. Thank you! It's by my friend, the artist Shari Goddard https://www.instagram.com/mainelygoddardart/
      I have several of her small oil landscapes in my home.

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  20. I left home in my second year of undergrad and have not moved back, though I've visited often. When I moved cross-country (Edmonton to Halifax), I left a stack of 'to come later' boxes in the garage. Ahem. Several years later, they had still not been sent for and, I believe, were simply turfed. Brave!

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    1. My parents gave us all at least a month's warning - they were moving and everything, as they say, had to go. By that time I was in my early thirties, and I'm pretty sure I just gave my mom the go-ahead to toss anything I had left behind.

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  21. The Hooligans were informed from a young age that turning eighteen (or in their case 20 and 19 - thanks, pandemic) was like last call at the bar. My favorite part of the night when bartending was to yell, "Last call! You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." So, they live ten minutes away in their own apartment in Tempe while they attend university. We'll see what happens after that but moving home will be deeply discouraged. Yeehaw, indeed!

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    1. Close by but in their own space is ideal, Jenn - especially as I know your house is fairly small. I probably would have gone to our nearby university, Syracuse, if I had had a "my own apartment" option. But my parents wanted me to stay home to save $$ (although they did offer to buy me a car and keep it running, which was nice.) No thanks, I had plans for college!

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  22. Our oldest left home for college and then went straight to a job but bounced back at 25 (briefly) after she wrapped up said civilian job but before her military training was to start. Since then she's lived where the military has sent her--mostly overseas--but she's supposed to be back stateside. She'll be a good 14 or so hour drive from us, but same time zone again at last, and that feels so close! The youngest also left home for college, then work, then law school, and will probably bounce back for a few months later this year. (Her lease runs out end of July... just as she's taking the bar... and she won't start whatever job until probably September at best.) Honestly, I can't wait for her to be back for awhile, and if she has remote work, we've encouraged her to take over the lower level and live there for awhile. We're lucky enough to have a bedroom and full bath on that level, so we'd all have decent privacy. It would be nice for her to save up some cash before taking on rent on her own again. But I do love the joy in your post Julia, and there's indeed something to savor about making your space all yours again. Have fun!

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    1. I am, Jess! And yes, I actively encouraged Victoria to live at home while attending grad school semi-remotely, and when we talked about her getting an apartment after the pandemic eased up, I figured by that time she ought to stay long enough to finish building up a good down payment. I hope your youngest takes you up on your offer if she can WFH. Just the savings on buying a bunch of lawyer suits will be sizable!

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  23. Our twins are leaving for college after the summer so we are going through this. I told them I will store things that are sentimental or needed for an activity they don’t do at college ( think ski clothes etc) but everything else needs to go with them or to Goodwill. I have a trunk full of Goodwill clothes from them right now so it is moving in the right direction! I will miss them too much but I’m happy they are off on a new adventure and it will give me more time to write.

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    1. Clare, my mother always said parenthood was the only job where, if you do it right, you make yourself redundant. It sounds like you're doing it right!

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  24. Congratulations on reclaiming your house, Julia. It is quite a lovely thing. My "kids" are now 38 and 35, and it's nice to have the house center around my husband and me. Although I did love having my children here, and I thought I would be sad for much longer than I was when they were grown and gone. My daughter never did come back to live here after she went to college, first to Key West to teach for a year and then getting married and moving back to her husband's town in Indiana (an hour away). My son did return about 8 or 9 years ago for 6 months, both he and his girlfriend then. My husband was still working away from home then, so it was the three of us, and it was nice when they cooked. Son is still not settled down good, but I don't see him ever coming back home to live. He lives 3 1/2 hours away, and it suits him. When it comes down to it, I've always wanted my children to live their own lives and be happy in that, but there are times I envy the parents who have at least one child living nearby for drop-in visits from the grandchildren. Oh, and I only have one tub of memorabilia items of my daughter's, which I hope to soon sneak into her house. But, I have much more of my son's stuff still here, including his memorabilia tub. I need to work on changing that storage situation.

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    1. Kathy, my mom had the same sort of memorabilia boxes, one for each of us. She started very early, as the frequent moves of an officer's family meant stuff had to be culled regularly. The end result is a nicely curated, not too large container with a selection of genuinely meaningful keepsakes.

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  25. At the moment I am living alone, far away from husband, son, and other relatives. It is kind of nice. Frank told me to pack up just what I needed to get along so I am living relatively clutter free. He will have to figure out what to do with the rest of our stuff when the time comes and the house goes on the market. Hopefully he'll bring things I left behind that I still want. Of course he also has three, count them, three storage units he rents. Now our son had bounced back to live with us in Houston, which was fine, but in a way it was too comfortable for him. He is going to have to figure something else out now. Maybe he and husband will batch together somewhere for a while.

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    1. That honestly sounds pretty ideal, Pat! And when it comes time for your husband to pack up the items you've left behind, have him do what my sister and I did - we took Dad on several video walk-throughs when he was on Covid lock-down in his continuing care apartment and couldn't be home in person. He got to see everything in his house and select what he wanted to keep and what could go. (We actually learned to hang on to stuff for at least twenty-four hours, because he changed his mind a few time.)

      I have a dear friend whose husband has two LARGE storage units. She says if he goes first, she's going to burn them down. :-D

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    2. Ha! I was hoping ours would flood during Harvey, but no such luck. I did have a revelation while packing up some kitchen stuff. I told the boys I am not hauling all the silver trays, serving dishes, etc. that were given to us when we married. They haven't seen the light of day in years. I told the guys to have a silver polishing party and haul everything off to be sold on consignment. I kept a few small pieces, but otherwise, adios!

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  26. I love this post! Your joy is infectious. We haven't had any kids return (knock on wood), but I can imagine your enthusiasm in cleaning and clearing!

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  27. My daughter’s freshman roommate had her bedroom turned into a sewing room. Sure made my daughter appreciate us. Our girls have come & gone several times. It does feel good to be able to have a safe place for them. Now we have room for the grandkids to come visit.

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  28. Julia, it occurs to me that you will now be living alone for the first time in decades! That is a really big thing. No one to answer to, pick up after, or cook for. Wow.

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  29. Our daughter moved out her freshman year in college, one semester in the dorm (which she despised) and then she got a job and an apartment. I think within six months I'd turned her bedroom into my office. I don't think she minded. She was a very independent kid.

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  30. My number 3 son came back and we're sharing a condo now, thank all that's good! He saves my skin every day. I'm almost 90; he's 62. It's never too late to welcome a kid home.

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  31. First, sectional sofa? Whoa. Big purchase. Second, my youngest heads off to college in Aug and I am forestalling any sadness by the knowledge that they sometimes do return, with cats that urinate in the bedroom and needy dogs, and there might be a time when I truly, deeply, desperately want him out. Because that time is not now.

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