Wednesday, December 28, 2022

Rituals

 RHYS BOWEN:  Aren’t we humans funny? We seem to love rituals, don’t we? We spend time doing things in ways that are not time-saving or efficient for the sake of the ritual alone. Take my husband, John. He is in charge of the tea making at our house. Woe betide anyone else who tries to make the tea because they will fail, miserably.

The tea making starts with John blending his own tea. He buys an expensive Darjeeling online that comes from God knows where. He mixes this with a little Ceylon, a fine leafed Indian tea, from the Indian spice shop AND some Keemun–a smoky China tea that he says gives the blend a little oomph.  

This tea mix sits in a caddy with its own spoon. In the mornings he boils the water in the electric kettle and while he does this he warms the pot. Then he takes a special infuser, puts the tea leaves into it and pours on the boiling water.  Then he sets the timer for three minutes, after which the infuser must be removed immediately.

As you can imagine this all takes time. I would quite happily pop a tea bag into a cup that had been in the microwave, but no–we have to have the tea ceremony every morning.








I suppose I’m conscious of this ritual because it is the time of year for rituals, isn’t it? We light the candles, one by one, on the menorah. We put out milk and cookies for Santa. We hang stockings by the fireplace. We spin the dreidel or play games we only play at Christmas. We open presents in a set order. We eat the same foods. And they are all important to remind us that this is a special time of year.

In our house the rituals start with decorating the tree, the first Sunday of December. I have to have on my favorite Christmas CD (Mannheim Steamroller) and make mulled wine while we do it. And the rest of the ornaments (my little snow village, the German wooden people etc) have to go in exactly the same place as last year. 

I am expected by the family to make the mince pies and sausage rolls that my mother made at Christmas and her mother before her.

So I wonder why we feel the need to bring ritual into our lives. I can understand the ancient Druids or Greeks having special ceremonies to remind the ignorant population that it was now Winter Solstice or Midsummer’s Night. But we seem to have a need to reassure ourselves with a repetition of what we’ve always done and what our parents did before us.

Think of Thanksgiving in America. Every year the same foods, even though we don’t actually like green bean casserole. I remember one year it was just John, Dominic and me for Thanksgiving. I decided it was stupid to get a turkey for three of us and as a treat i bought fresh crab. Dominic, still in his teens at that time, sat at the table and stared at the crab. “What’s this?’ he asked. And then, “Where’s the turkey?”  He was horrified that we were deviating from the script.

So I’m interested to hear what holiday rituals you have in your house? Do you ever try something quite different? Do you have a yearning to go to an expensive hotel for the holiday and let someone else do the cooking?

42 comments:

  1. I think there’s a comfortableness and a specialness in the repetitions that become rituals . . . .
    Anyway, I think it’s lovely that John has a special morning tea ritual . . . we have holiday rituals for food [turkey, but no green bean casserole at Thanksgiving; prime rib roast at Christmas] and other things: we go to Church on Christmas Eve, we always watch the ball drop in Times Square, the tree always comes down while we watch the Rose parade . . . .

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  2. Rituals are indeed comforting, whether it's the daily one (like me heading here very early in my pre-work routine every morning) or the annual rites, like baking my mother's (and grandmothers') cookies (at least four kinds) every Christmas.

    But they can change, too - although maybe not crab for Thanksgiving (poor Dominic). Last year, with no sons coming home for Christmas, I decorated with window candles, creche, and wall hangings - but not a tree. I've given away all my Halloween decorations. And that's fine.

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    1. I hope you are well and Hugh is recovering, Edith. I'm sorry your Christmas plans came crashing down

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    2. Thank you, Rhys. He is on the mend, although not yet testing firmly negative, and we've postponed Christmas to Jan 1!

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  3. We don't have rituals, however, I wouldn't mind going to a hotel and being catered to.

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  4. Yes, my daily morning rituals give a familiar structure. I drink my hot lemon water and check in on JRW before getting on with my day.

    As for holiday rituals, we always had turkey for Thanksgiving AND Christmas growing up. But during the last two Christmas pandemic lockdowns, I changed up the holiday menu. Last year, I made Brome Lake duck breast with a port-cherry reduction and it was delicious. And I baked the almond stollen that I have made for 30 years but skipped buying my regular Laura Secord fruitcake has been a family tradition for 50+ years.

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    1. We’re so happy that we are part of your morning ritual, Grace! ( Rhys)

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    2. Grace, I had hot water with lemon before drinking tea. And reading JRW is part of my morning ritual too!

      Diana

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  5. My sister and I still talk about what wonderful Christmases our parents gave us, and it was very important to me to provide many of those Christmas rituals of my childhood---including an elaborate crêche, many special foods and decorations, and lots of music---to our son Tommy. When he moved out of the house ten years ago, most of my family traditions disappeared one after another, but I'll bring them back if we ever have a grandchild. A new, Swiss Christmas tradition I've adopted is making almond brittle (gebrannte Mandeln) with Tommy: very time-consuming but with outstanding results. Oh, and by the way, Rhys, tell your husband I also mix loose tea to create the mix I like best (Assam with Darjeeling, both organic)! Silly and a bit expensive, but some small things just make you happy, don't they?

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    1. We approve of your tea mix, Kim! And I'd love to spend Christmas in Switzerland with snow and chalets and fondue and bells and all the things I miss about Europe.

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  6. Lovely to hear about all of your traditions. Ours have been in flux for years. I remember the year we realized that Irwin's parents would be in California and mine in Oregon for Thanksgiving. We went skiing locally then had dinner at the only restaurant open, Denny's (before the racist scandal). Still a joke around here!
    Over the years we've learned to flow. When you consider how very lucky we are to have been born here, at this time, not Germany in the '30's, not Myanmar or Iran...well, traditions sometimes need to be set aside.

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    1. Judy, I remember one year when John was on business in Asia over Thanksgiving. I promised the kids we'd eat out as a treat. The only place open was McDonalds! They loved it. Me not so much

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    2. Long boring story, but this Thanksgiving my husband and I ended up eating turkey salads from Subway Sandwich shop, which is *not* what we had planned. However, it turned out to be excellent, as we were able to contribute a meal to a homeless fellow at the same time. ~ Lynda

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  7. Oh, Judy, that's so true. As long as we are healthy, free, and able to gather, how can we grumble?

    About the only ritual we are so far holding onto is Sazerac on NYE. And these days I have to make them early or I'm drinking alone. It's sweet that John wants to make your tea special, Rhys. I miss the days when Steve brought coffee to me before work. Once the kids started coming, that was that.

    We used to do all the holiday rituals, until the year we went to California over Christmas. Steve's sister had cancer, so we picked up her dinner order from the Ritz for the family. Parts of it were good, but it included weird sides in tiny portions, although the meal was meant to feed ten. So been there, done that.

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  8. Rituals bring us emotional and spiritual comfort--especially in rough times. So, blend that tea, don't forget the turkey, and bring out the special decorations that now hold meaning for you. And like everything else about human culture, change is inevitable, so those rituals can be adapted, dropped, altered as our needs change.

    Oldest nephew has recently moved in with his partner--but, hoo boy, the snow globes could not be left behind! "Whaddaya mean, some of them belong to my brother??!" Oh, the horror! So guess whose Christmas gifts included new snow globes? The ritual continues--each one with snow falling and music chiming....

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    1. I divided out my snow globe collection among the grandkids this time. Let them choose and surprise... my wrestling, football-playing grandson chose the delicate little Nutcracker!

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  9. We receive a WA state Christmas wreath from my sister and bil. the wreath is hung on Yule. The rest of the season evolves each year. This year I am posting 12 Twelveth Night recipes for my Facebook friends. Today's recipe will be greens southern style. We pause, reflect on the past 8760 hours (the number of hours in a year) and look towards the light. At the Center, the community sits for one of the most important rituals of the year called Begin Anew. This year it will be held on January 1st.

    Family rituals are the tenderest, thanks for sharing yours Rhys. and everyone.

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  10. Rituals are comforting, but in my family we are not so rigid about it all being exactly the same every year. Rituals connect us with meaningful times in our past--I think most of us who celebrate Christmas long for that excitement and hope we felt as children. It's what the merchants capitalize on starting in October or September.

    Because I worked many holidays, we often had to change things up. I don't mind. Presents in the morning? Okay. Presents in the evening? Okay. Presents in a cold garage with a propane fire (2020)? Okay, as long as we get together and spend some time. Families change, circumstances change, and we all, willingly or unwillingly, need to adapt. Keep whatever brings you joy. The little daily rituals are very comforting to me--reading JRW and drinking my Yorkshire Gold tea for instance!

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    1. We were flexible with gift giving this year as not everybody could be present at the same time. First lot at brunch on Christmas Day with 13 people. Second lot later that day with 15 people.
      Third lot on Boxing Day with 15 people.

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  11. There was one year I decided to do a roast in the crockpot at my mom’s for Christmas instead of ham, mainly to be low sodium. I even tried to pass it off as roast beast like the Whos in Whoville. Youngest son, although an adult, was not happy. “Where’s the ham?”
    Other times they might not notice something you let go of or rebel against doing them yet again.
    There is less work but also less enjoyment for me as many traditions have fallen by the wayside with the grandparents gone and the kids now grown. And no grandchildren to resurrect them. But apparently we will always have ham.

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  12. I am still laughing about the tea ritual—That is the cutest thing! But I have to say, if I can get up in the morning and make coffee and sit at the kitchen table and read the newspaper I am so very happy! When I was growing up, my mother always made black cherry Jell-O with black cherries for Thanksgiving. I have no idea why. But my brother, Chip, just… Bonded with that stuff. And even when he was in his 20s, and would come home for Thanksgiving, if mom didn’t have black cherry Jell-O with black cherries, he was almost… Sad. I wonder if they even make black cherry Jell-O anymore. But every Thanksgiving, I think of it, and think of Chip now via a hot shot lawyer entrepreneur in Colorado, and that silly black cherry Jell-O .

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    1. Black cherry jello-o? Never seen it but I'm not a big Jell-o fan.

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    2. Gotta say, black cherry jell-o is the best of the jell-o's... and yes they still make it.

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  13. "Do you have a yearning to go to an expensive hotel for the holiday and let someone else do the cooking?" Yes! Every year! Fortunately my family still upholds all the traditions. I love the story about your husband and his tea making Rhys, he's a keeper in my book! There is something about the fabulous tea we used to drink when we visited England. I would buy English tea and bring it home but it wasn't the same at all - maybe it's the water? I'm not sure, but I miss it. Ahh, maybe another trip to England...

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    1. I love the big family gathering but it's at our house and although everyone helps out and the kids to do the clean up I still have to plan and make sure there is enough of everything and time the roasting etc.

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  14. The tea ritual is delightful, and you would notice the difference in the taste with a bag and a microwave boil! it's lovely that John takes the trouble. The old rituals provide continuity, but there are new ones to be created as well. It's interesting that at the holidays, so many revolve around food.

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  15. We don't have many rituals. We tend to mix things up on the holidays - we families on both coasts, it keeps you moving. My favorite holidays are the ones where we find ourselves on a beach. You're crab would have been fabulous to me!

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    1. Your ritual is mixing it up every year. My sister does the same thing, Jenn. Different food every year with the exception of oyster dressing served the day before Thanksgiving.

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  16. Sorry I am late to the party.

    Trying to recall the rituals in my family. It varies. Always had turkey for Thanksgiving. However since my trip to the ER the day before NYE, no more turkey though we did have yams this year.

    Christmas Eve - Read a book from England and had gingerbread cookies. Though we always
    had a Christmas tree, there is no space so I have Christmas decor on the fireplace mantle.

    Christmas is my favorite holiday for many reasons. We started family gatherings on Boxing Day because Christmas is always crowded. On Boxing Day, it is just family.

    Totally understand why there was a decision to change from turkey to crab since there were only three people. In the past, if it was just a few people, my Mom would order a turkey breast instead of a whole turkey.

    Now I am thinking about rituals while I am typing this and drinking my morning coffee, I love that story about John making tea. I am a big tea drinker in my family. I had three cups of tea before drinking coffee because I am going out today. It is better for me to have coffee before I go out.

    Diana

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  17. All I can say is that I want to come for tea at your house. I make tea from leaves every morning, but it's just Assam Golden Tip. The blend that John mixes up sounds heavenly!

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  18. I still try to decorate my tree the Sunday before Christmas and keep it until January 6. The rest of the decorations are added a little bit at a time through December. I put things away the same but in reverse. Tree first so dropping needles are out of the house. I still want my mincemeat pie even if it has morphed into little turnovers made with puff pastry.

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  19. Not many rituals anymore. If we have a Christmas tree, it gets taken down on New Year's Day. I definitely cook black eyed peas for New Year's for good luck. Gotta have those blackeyes. I got sick to death of the same menu for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so when I was cooking I definitely shook that up a bit.

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  20. We have SO many rituals and traditions at the H-V house. The tree goes up later in December and stays through Epiphany. Mom never decorates the tree. Die Hard and mass Christmas Eve. Youngest hands out the presents. Dinner must include Himmel und Erde.

    But I'm aware we're in a transitional time, with my young adult children all living in their own places and, within the next few years, likely to be married with some babies in the mix. And when that happens, I'm confident we'll make new traditions and rituals.

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  21. Oh, poor Dominic, facing that crab instead of turkey. I know just how he felt. I've never felt how powerful the tradition/ritual of turkey was on Christmas until last year, when we went to our daughter's house, as usual, and sat down to eat Christmas dinner. I'd held up my end, fixing and taking the scalloped oysters, potatoes, pecan pie, and chocolate cake. I may have even fixed an asparagus casserole (my memory is clouded by trauma). My daughter and son-in-law (because he cooked them) presented us with brats as the meat. BRATS for Christmas dinner! My husband and I exchanged a look that could have been translated as, "What the holy hell is this?" Pretending that eating a brat at your Christmas dinner is anywhere near normal is a performance worthy of Broadway. This year, we had turkey and ham on standby, so if daughter lost her mind again, we could at least have the ritualistic food when we got home. As it turned out, with me having Covid, we didn't go to our daughter's, and I haven't asked what they ate. I'm hoping that missing my scalloped oysters snapped daughter back to sanity.

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  22. I love John's tea ritual, Rhys. I'm quite fanatical about my tea, as well, but I don't mix my loose leaf teas. Hmm. Something new to try!

    I really missed our holiday rituals the last couple of years, with no proper Christmas day celebrations due to covid precautions. But this year we returned to opening stockings with the kids at our house, then Christmas brunch and present opening. But instead of Christmas dinner here, we moved to our daughter's--they have two ovens! We had Christmas crackers and a rib roast (which took forever to cook!) so by the time it was finally done we didn't bother with the Yorkshire puddings. We added a tradition (Ina Garten's Cosmos) and now granddaughter Wren gets to play Santa, handing out all the gifts. She can even read my terrible handwriting on the tags!

    New Year's Eve we like to stay home. Black-eyed pea soup on NY's Day. The tree comes down then, too. Or maybe the day after.

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  23. I agree, the tea ritual is pretty sweet. We don't have a lot of holiday rituals. I do make chocolate turtles every year. (Kathy's daughter and son in law's brats for Xmas dinner would do me in.)

    I remember one year we were in Mexico City for the holiday. There was a giant puppet (mojigangas) parade. Pretty special.

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    1. Or maybe I've got my holidays mixed up. Those giant puppets were memorable.

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  24. What fun reading about everyone's traditions and accommodations. Interesting to see what's important to folks, what can be let go of, and the new traditions that develop.

    Rituals anchor me. I find them reassuring and stabilizing. Every morning I read two devotionals designed to point my brain in a positive direction for the day. As for specific times of the year, I have rituals I perform on my late parents' and brother's birthdays. They're just small ways of remembering the love we shared.

    On Dad's birthday I do something he was prone to do - open a milk carton the wrong way, and say, "Oh, for chrissakes!" Then my husband and I laugh. Every time. For my brother, a donation to a cause he cared about, and one to the San Francisco AIDS Foundation to fight the disease that killed him. Christmas was also Mom's birthday, and we always made sure her birthday gifts were wrapped in appropriate paper, and opened in the afternoon. I make donations in her memory to Heifer International, which she introduced me to in the 80s.

    I have ornaments on my tree (always real) that she made, along with 80 year old Shiny Brites, and I hang stockings, even though we don't fill them anymore. Stockings were an important part of my childhood Christmases, and seeing them reminds me of the good times. I also set out my childhood creche and trio of caroler candles.

    As for marking the new year, we've been attending a retreat for decades, preferring to leave raucous celebrating and driving to the amateurs. This year will be no different. Wishing everyone a safe, healthy, loving 2023. ~Lynda

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