"I Must Decline for Secret Reasons"

Think The Shawshank Redemption, 

only it's me planning a way out of a dinner party. 

— Amanda Kyle Williams

SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: I made a few flights last month and one of the things the flight attendants always say during the safety talk is something along the lines of, "In the case of an emergency, put on your own air mask first. Then, when you're set, help those around you."

It's a good metaphor for taking care of yourself before taking care of others. Without enough oxygen, you'll just pass out and be no use to anyone — even a burden on others.

It's a hard lesson to learn, though. I think as women (or, OK, I'll just speak for myself, because I do know some men who have the same knee-jerk reaction) we're conditioned to put others first. We have trouble saying no, in order to carve out time and space for our own health, our own needs. I know from hard-won experience that if I don't get enough sleep, eat right, and exercise, I will get sick. Last year I battled four bouts of pneumonia. This year I'm healthier, but recently was diagnosed with extreme anemia and had to have a blood transfusion. The sad thing is, I was so used to being tired that I didn't even realize that anything was wrong before I had a blood test.

Since I'm already taking care of my health (see above), it's now time to cut some non-essential things from my schedule. I'm taking time off from volunteering at my son's school. (He knows why and is fine with it.) I'm saying no to writing most blurbs. We used to entertain a lot — but I've just stopped. There's too much shopping, cooking, and cleaning involved. Now, that's not forever — but until I start to feel better.

I was having a discussion with some other author friends about how to decline things politely, and we found an example that made us laugh. It's from writer E.B. White, known for the writing style guide, The Elements of Style (aka Strunk and White) as well as the children's classics Charlotte's Web and Stewart Little.

He writes:

September 28, 1956

Dear Mr. Adams:

Thank you for your letter inviting me to join the Committee of the Arts and Sciences for Eisenhower. 

I must decline, for secret reasons.

Sincerely, 

E.B. White

We were thinking that as mystery authors, we could start declining things "for mysterious reasons." So now if you ever see me use this phrase, you'll know why!

Dear Reds, how do you say no? Do you find it hard? (Or not?)

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh I love love love declining for secret reasons. Because who would have the nerve to push that? Since being diagnosed with Meniere's disease last fall, I've had to pare back too. I look at other authors flitting here and there and rounding up tons of new readers, and I do feel sad about what I'm missing. (Malice, for example.)

But like you Susan, if I don't sleep enough and eat my low-sodium food, and try to keep stress low, my symptoms get worse. It's like learning a new language--that I never signed on for! It does help to remind myself what's most important--keep writing, stay in touch with family and friends, and yes, the world won't come to an end if I'm not cooking and baking for big parties the way I enjoyed in the past. 

Here's hoping we all rebound with great energy, having learned some important lessons!

HALLIE EPHRON: I have a really hard time saying no, too, and I don't have little kids at home or anemia or Meniere's, just a busy life, deadlines, and it feels as if the finish lines keep moving further away and the bars keep rising. I remind myself to be grateful for this fantastic writing life, and to thank my lucky stars for all the lovely people who have said "yes" to me. 

RHYS BOWEN: Oh Susan, this struck a nerve. I'm the original for the song "I'm just a girl who can't say no."  When I've been invited to speak I always think they'll never ask me again if I say no. I'm flattered. I say yes. And then months later it hits me: I'm going to Dallas to speak at a luncheon! What was I thinking? But I am gradually trying to pace myself, to leave some space in life for just enjoying friends and activities.

However.....This year I have said yes to fabulous gigs that were just too good to turn down: right now I'm off to Europe to conduct a 10-day workshop in Tuscany. And in August I'm speaking on Mackinac Island, staying at the grand old hotel. And two visits to Sisters in Crime chapters, also fun. And conventions....Sigh. 

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: For me, the problem isn't so much saying no as not volunteering to do something that I'd LIKE to do, such as having people over to dinner. Most recently, I offered to help my friend out with the high school musical - she was two weeks behind in rehearsals and needed someone with a whip hand to get the actors into shape. I'm okay with saying no to requests, but if it's, "We must have someone to do X" and no one steps forward...there's something in me that raises my hand and volunteers. How can you not? That, of course, is the $10,000 question.

I've also been dealing with hypothyroidism and  severe anemia since this winter (it's the health issue of choice among discerning writers everywhere!) which has forced me to go into me-first mode. I haven't been accepting any appearance offers, I'm not doing blurbs (I know I let some deadlines just pass right by me while I've been ill) and for the first time in years, I haven't taken on any work at my church. For me, it's the family related stuff that's impossible to say no to...like you, Susan, I still have one minor child and my two older kids are (for now, sigh) living at home. 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Oh, Susan, I'd love to decline things for "secret reasons." Being a life-long pleaser, I am terrible at saying no. I think it would be rude, or people will be disappointed, or that whatever it is is expected of me. And then I end up committed to things I not only don't want to do and don't have time to do, but that exhaust me and keep me from getting real work (writing books!) done. I am getting a little better at it, by absolute necessity. I've had to cut way down on conferences and speaking events, and I'm trying to be a little less demanding on myself on the personal front. Of course that doesn't mean I'm willing to give up sweeping the mounds of dog hair off my floors...

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  We all seem to have the exact same problem. But really, it's a good thing. I love that people want me to do things, and the only thing worse than being over-scheduled is being NON-scheduled.  But like Rhys, some days I wake up and realize: I said yes to WHAT??  (I have already had to turn down things in 2017 because my schedule is filling. Yeesh.) And you are so right, Debs. I HAVE to write, and saying yes to an event is very writing-avoidance enabling.

Susan, with kids, and Julia--I do NOT know how you possibly do it. I can barely do laundry for two.

I had an event (so happy I said yes) with Wally Lamb, and he and I 

were discussing exactly t the same thing .He told me he has an index card taped to his desk phone. On it, in black magic marker, is a one-word reminder: NO. 

SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: Lovely Readers, are you yes-sayers? Do you find it easy or hard to say no? When you do decline, what do you say? Are you tempted to start saying, "I must decline for secret reasons?" Tell us in the comments!

A Virtual Whistle Stop Tour ; a guest blog by Amanda Kyle Williams

Susan Erickson is the winner of Paul Doiron's THE BONE ORCHARD! Susan, please contact Paul at pauldoiron dot com for your book.


JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Amanda Kyle Williams is one of our faves here at Jungle Red Writers. We've lauded her smart, damaged FBI profiler, Keye Street, who debuted  with a bang in 2012 in THE STRANGER YOU SEEK. Now she's launching the third in her series, DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS. As Amanda notes below, the third book is often a make-or-break novel in a mystery writer's career, so Random House had pulled out all the stops, planning a big tour with all the bells and whistles.

Then in March of this year, Amanda was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, and all those plans blew up. In addition to the bone-rattling concerns of the disease itself, she had to worry about DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS. How would people find out about it? How would she connect with readers and booksellers? As she explains today, it's been the internet to the rescue...

When I was diagnosed with cancer this year and told the treatment—chemotherapy—would weaken my immune system to the point that traveling is off the table, I had no small amount of anxiety about how to promote my 3^rd novel Don’t Talk To Strangers. The diagnosis presented my publicist and publisher with a bagful of challenges, too. It’s an important book, the 3^rd in a series. Book signings, conferences, speaking gigs, workshops, bonding with booksellers and librarians and readers across the country—the partners in your career—all the appearances an author makes that are so vital to the success of a book were cancelled, including my book launch at the Margaret Mitchell House in Atlanta. 

Every writer hopes for those glowing, fairy-dusted reviews from the big boys, but there is nothing better for a book and a writer than connecting with a bookseller, a librarian, a reader who will recommend your book later. That’s one of the benefits of touring for an author. Faced with a homebound writer, the logical next step was that thing Al Gore says he invented—the Internet—and reaching out to anyone with Skype capabilities, anyone willing to do a Google Hangout, anyone with a webcam, Facetime, a phone with a SPEAKER button, empty soup cans strung together, a truck bed and a megaphone. 

 

I’ve been using Skype for a couple of years as a way to reach out to book clubs. I’ve grown accustomed to how huge my face appears on a webcam. Living room book clubs are a great way to build grassroots support for a book and an author. And it’s relaxed. Book clubs drink a lot of wine. These long distance visits all over the country gave me some comfort with the idea of a virtual book tour. And guess what? It’s pretty cool! Okay, so it’s not like taking a book from someone’s hand and signing it for them, looking into their eyes, sharing a laugh, shaking their hand—another benefit of touring, the stuff that feeds and validates you, that interaction with readers.  

Some writers write for themselves, or so I’ve heard. Their work can go unseen without it disturbing their peace. So. Not. Me. I write for readers. I want those moments with them. I want their voices coming back to me. I want people reading my stuff and talking about it. A reader quotes a line from one of my books or tells me about a scene that stuck with them, and I’m charged up. I want to head back to my desk and write something brilliant for them. Writers spend a lot of time alone in a room with a computer. Those tours are like stepping out into the breeze. The Internet (bless its dark little heart) is the next best thing. It really is possible to sit down in front of my computer and visit a bookstore in Seattle, a library in Mississippi, a book club in Wisconsin, and connect, have a real dialogue. They see me, more weathered than usual, admittedly, but what people are really looking for is the heart of the writer. And I get to see them, and it nourishes me, and I remember why I can’t wait to write the next book. 

What would you like to see from an author on the web, dear readers? What are your favorite ways to connect with writers you love? One lucky commenter will win a copy of DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS!

You can find out more about Amanda Kyle Williams, and read excerpts of her books, at her website.  You can also friend her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter as @AKyleWilliams. Amanda also has her own YouTube channel with a great number of funny videos featuring Spike the Angry Neighbor Cat.