BAD PHOTOS

LUCY BURDETTE: I've had a very stressful month with my identification papers. First I had to get a new drivers license photo. Which came out passable. I do understand that the last one was taken seven years ago and changes have ensued. I could live with that.

But then my passport was due to expire. Aside from waiting in the line at the Post Office endlessly, the worst part of this process was, again, a new photo. I trotted down to a nearby CVS and asked the clerk if they took passport photos. She giggled with delight and pulled out an instant camera. This would be her very first time taking a passport photo. (I should also mention that it was the second day after I had a haircut with a new hair stylist. If you're like me, you know that your hair almost always looks amazing coming right out of the salon. The second day, not so much.) 

So back to the story. The woman took the picture and was very excited about the result. To my practiced eye, it looked more like a Most Wanted mug shot than the photo of a nice lady you'd enjoy having visiting your country.

Lucy: I can't send this picture in.

Lucy's husband: It's cute. It looks like you.

Lucy: I'd rather never travel again than use that photo.

Lucy's husband: It's fine. Don't be vain.

He struck a nerve. So I waited for a week to see if time would heal all wounds. Nope. Then I peddled my bike across town to the other CVS and started over again. The result is not the most gorgeous shot ever taken, but it looks more like me.

How about you Reds? Any photo horror stories?

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Me? You're asking ME? The princess of particular?

I had a passport photo taken once in the CVS, big mistake.  I started griping that the clerk had me stand directly under a light, which is a disaster. (Look up before you get a photo taken, sisters, and make sure there's not a only downlight on you.) Plus, it was green. So *that* passport photo is in the pocket of the backseat of our car, which is where it will stay.

I got a better one taken. Not a glam or even flattering one, that's impossible, I guess. But not hideous.
But it's so hilarious--when I travel, sometimes I wear my glasses, not contacts. And not always make-up. So I love it when the  TSA guy looks at my passport photo, then at me, then at the photo, then shrugs and hands it back. Like--if you say so, ma'am.

Here's a photo of me at age 6 or so. Things have gotten better since then, I guess.

LUCY: Ha, ha Hank. I knew you'd have something to say on this topic! Are you sure you won't dig that photo out of the backseat pocket and let us have a look?? The six-year-old photo is adorable!

HALLIE EPHRON: I look at those passport pictures taken decades ago that I HATED back then and now I think: pretty cute! Youth is so wasted on the youthful. This passport picture was taken just before I graduated college.

In my last passport photo I look just like Whitey Bulger -- not Catherine Greig, Whitey. And I'm not sharing it. I know, I know, people say he looks pretty good for his age.

ROSEMARY HARRIS: Well, my passport pic was taken seven years ago so compared to what it would look like if taken this morning, it's not so bad. My driver's license, on the other hand - grotesque. And the lighting at CT MVB made me look like Morticia Addams. The worst are the quickie shots for visas. I took one once that was so bad the photographer actually said "let's take another, dear." Most annoying is that husband Bruce has never taken a bad photo.
RHYS BOWEN: If you think the US passport pix are bad, then you should see the English ones. You are not allowed to smile. It has to be full face, square on, hair back from forehead. I truly expected to have my prison inmate number directly beneath it. Drivers license for some reason always looks pretty good.

LUCY: my gosh, Rhys, why on earth won't they let you smile?? You are so much more beautiful than that photo...

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: My worst passport photo is a group shot from my childhood, back in the day when kids traveled on their parents' passport. I was six or seven, with a wild thicket of hair, an eye patch (there to correct my amblyopia) and my two front teeth missing. My younger sister's blond curls for some reason exploded to mad scientist height, and she's wearing overalls which, in the black and white picture, look like garb issued by the Soviet Toddler's Collectivist. My usually composed and chic mother has the strained look often seen in POW videos, probably due to the efforts of getting two overactive girls through the passport process. The overall effect is that of a family of Moldovian refugees fleeing the destruction of their village.

I also want to know why you can't smile in the UK passports. Still trying to convince the rest of the world it's all stiff upper lip?

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Lucy, still chuckling. I have to have my driver's license renewed this year, and am not looking forward to it. And what about our Costco or Sam's cards ID photos? I am not posting my Costco ID!
My current passport picture is surprisingly not bad, so I went digging in the file for the old passports. OMG, the 1989 photo, when I had the really short hair with the really curly perm???? What was I thinking? And no, I'm not posting that one, either. But I found my first passport. It's certainly not flattering (again, what was with the hair?) and I don't know why I'm doing the "covering up bad teeth" smile, but there is a certain nostalgic charm to it. And then, on the second page, I found the stamp from my first ever trip to England. That I have to include, and a photocopy is going in my Iona journal.
But it just goes to show that I, at least, can't depend on memory. I've told the story for years about flying into Gatwick that first time and seeing the Surrey countryside. The passport is stamped Heathrow.





LUCY: There you go reds, aren't we some good sports? How about you, any photo horror stories to start the week off with a good laugh?

Not-so-Savvy Consuming

JAN: I like to think of myself as fairly savvy, a former consumer reporter, hip to scams and not overly influenced by marketing. Sure, I buy too many pairs of boots that I don't really need, but this is New England where winters are long and cold. And yes, I just fell prey to this cool new accessory to the IPAD that is both a cover and a keyboard. But I'm a writer, after all, these are the tools of my trade.

But then, the other day in the shower, where all my biggest revelations occur, I had a revelation that completely destroyed any last image I had of myself as a smart consumer. Or even a smart woman. I hate to even admit this, but here it is: I really, really, really, like the shampoo and conditioner to match.

Inside my shower stall, where only my husband and I, and occasionally one of my children, ever see, I actually care enough to prefer medium sized bottles that are the same brand. This has nothing to do with the superiority of the product and everything to do with the symmetry so carefully engineered by those clever marketing people who designed the bottles.

So hopefully, you are all above this particular marketing ploy. But even the frugal among you (Hallie), must have at least one marketing trick you fall for. It might be overpriced wine because you like the sound of the name, a high priced seltzer because you like the label font, or slippers filled with a depth of fleece you'd only need in the Arctic, but somewhere in your closet, your cabinets, or maybe your shower, there is a purchase of which you are not particularly proud.

Now is the time to fess up.

HALLIE: Matching shampoo and conditioner? Sure -- they're the ones my husband filches from hotel rooms.

First off, I don't take showers if I can help it. Baths all the way. It's a form of meditation and inner healing. And I confess that I occasionally shampoo with... soap. Bath soap. It does a great job, and particularly after all that shampoo-and-conditioner gunk builds up. Your hair will actually squeak!

And you nailed it -- food is my weakness. I fall for overpriced smoked fish. The stuff that's twice...make that three times as expensive but it really does taste so much better. And I just need a taste or two to make me very happy.

RHYS: Jan, it makes sense that you use the same brand of shampoo and conditioner. Because if one works well on your hair, the other will too.

But speaking of hair, I have a shameful confession to make. I won a haircut at a really expensive salon. She hyped products and because I wasn't actually paying for the haircut I felt guilty and .... paid $35 for this tiny little bottle of mousse. Got it home and it doesn't even dispense properly.

I am sometimes sorely tempted by infomercials that promise to erase wrinkles and did once send for a device that sends out sound waves to improve the skin.

Can't say I've noticed much difference... but since I'm usually a careful shopper like Hallie I am allowed an occasional goof.

ROBERTA: My weakness is organic and local food. I wait all winter for the farmer's market to open on the town green and happily spend a small fortune there every Friday. To me this is worth it for many reasons--fresh food, no pesticides, support your local, etc--but John likes to feign heart attack when I tell him what I spent. Every week:). Luckily, we are able to grow a good-sized organic garden in our yard, so by mid-summer, we're overwhelmed with fabulous produce. What I would do for some of those tomatoes right now...

ROSEMARY: I'm a very inconsisitent shopper. I just took the $11 Megabus to Philadelphia where I stayed in a rather nice hotel because I love the bedding and they have their own chocolate factory so the chocolates on the pillows at night are amazing. Yes, I did fly to Paris for the weekend...and I spent most of the time wearing a pair of $13 pants from TJ Maxx. So there's no guessing what my purchasing habits are. I don't even know sometimes. What am I a sucker for...good haircuts. I've been known to go without for a year because I couldn't find a stylist I trusted - and you know what - my hair almost always looks the same no matter who cuts it.

DEB: I, too, am inconsistent. I suspect this makes us interesting, right, girls? And I seem to have the same weaknesses as everyone else. I'll buy cheap store brands of some things, but spend a fortune (gulp) at my town's farmer's market (And it opens this month!) I've always been a sucker for good, local, and organically grown food. I started shopping at Whole Foods Market when the first store opened in Dallas--I don't even want admit how long ago.

I'm addicted to a certain type of Toni & Guy shampoo (my excuse for this is that I'm allergic to many hair products, and having found one that works I'm sticking to it) and will pay for a good haircut. Like Hallie, I'm a bath taker, and am easily tempted by lovely things to go in the bath.

On the other hand, some of my favorite clothes came from Target and Costco. I consolidate errands to save a little bit of gas. I carefully plan menus to use leftovers.

JAN: Actually, I'm wearing a fleece I bought at Costco almost six years ago, that's still the best-cut, best looking Fleece I've ever seen (yes, there is a difference among Fleeces!) so I'm with you on the Costco clothes.(sometimes)

DEB: Silliest recent purchase? I ordered a new phone from Amazon, ridiculously cheap, and then a case for it that cost as much as the phone. And I was crushed when it arrived and instead of being the promised orchid color, it was hot raspberry pink. And the worst thing is that I really CARE . . .

HANK: Deb? Can you send it back? Let's see--yes, leftovers. I'm very proud about how I can disguise them. But I have lots of pairs of Wolford tights--hideously expensive, really embarrassing, but essentially indestructible. SO isn't that savvier? I also love Jo Malone grapefruit shower gel--don't even ask how much that costs. HOWEVER! There' also a lovely CVS drugstore brand shower get that's $1.99. It's terrific. And CVS tights, my secret find, $3.98-ish.

JAN: I could be a total sucker for the grapefruit shower gel -- what's the bottle look like? Oh, there it is!

HANK: What I'm not proud of? What makes me wince when I see it? An expensive-but-sort-of-on-sale suit that the salesperson told me fit perfectly, which it did, but it was a color I CANNOT wear, and even when I "tried it with black underneath" as she suggested, it still made my hair look green. You know, I NEVER wore it. And I gave it away. So I wouldn't have to be angry every time I saw it. Grr.

JAN: Hank, I've had a few of those outfits myself. And the really cool keyboard and cover accessory for the IPAD that I dreamed about for weeks -- has to go back. The teeny little keyboard will make me insane.

Come back tomorrow e for True Crime Tuesday, when I'm going to talk about the medical drug dealers (and I don't mean the pharmaceutical companies) who would be great villains for a murder mystery.

Wednesday, I'm interviewing essayist Ellen Waterston, whose latest book, Where the Crooked River Rises will transport you to the high desert in Oregon.

Thursday we will be hearing about Hallie Ephron's new book, Come and Find Me.