Small Talk! Can You Do It?

See? Ican do this--singing with Supreme Mary Wilson

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  Thinking about going to Bouchercon tomorrow (yikes) got me thinking about small talk. Reds, I cannot do it. 

I can interview a person, all good. I can speak to three thousand people, no problem. 

But chit chat with strangers, or even pals, at a party or gathering? Fills me with dread. WHAT WILL I SAY?  

Yes. I confess. I am shy.

Bouchercon has been described as an event where they get 2000 people who spend most of their usual days by themselves--and forces them talk to each other.  Don't get me wrong--I cannot wait to see everyone. So thrilled about that! 

But how do you feel about small talk? Any advice?

LUCY BURDETTE: It's very hard to believe you are bad at this Hank--you couldn't possibly be as bad at it as I am! When John and I went to Bermuda on our honeymoon 25 years ago, our hotel had a cocktail reception for all the newlyweds staying there. (I think there might have been 15 couples at least.) We must have looked supremely awkward, because the maitre'd came over to collect us and shepherded us around the party, introducing us to other couples. Which was very kind, though embarrassing. 

Secrets? If you're not naturally an extrovert, the key has to be asking about the other person, don't you think?

HALLIE EPHRON: Can I be honest? I enjoy small talk. I love meeting new people and finding out about them. Really I do.  And I especially like chatting with complete strangers, a reader or writer who's at Bouchercon for the first time. And I can't wait to put some of our regular Jungle Red names to faces.

I'm there also as a fan girl. I've got my list of authors I'm dying to meet just because I love their writing. Watch out Julia Dahl and Becky Masterman, just for example. And I want to reconnect with Kate White and Mary Kubica and Sara Blaedel and J. T. Ellison and Fiona Barton. And sad to hear Lori Rader-Day won't be there.

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I will talk to pretty much anyone, anywhere. Shop clerks, cab drivers, strangers in the supermarket. Some of my best friends are friends I've made by striking up a random conversation. 

HANK: Oh, yes, me, too.  (Drives Jonathan nuts, I fear.) But those kinds of conversations, with strangers? I love. 

DEBS:  HOWEVER, because I'm partially deaf, things like cocktail parties and big gatherings like there will be at Bouchercon are really hard for me. There are only so many times you can ask people to repeat themselves, but if you don't and you don't understand what people are saying, you just look really stupid. So I will be the one always looking for the quiet corner.

JENN McKINLAY: I'm like you, Debs. I talk to everyone! I figure everyone's a friend I haven't met yet. Last year, I had to take the Hub to the ER for pneumonia and while we were waiting a woman from Venezuela and I tried to figure out how to work the spiffy coffee machine. Despite the language barrier - I speak some Spanish and she was the same with English - we ended up talking and laughing for about a half hour. When I finally got back to the Hub, he shook his head. "Even now, you're making friends?" He is more of an introvert so this mystifies him. When I'm meeting someone knew, I always ask them their origin story (like a Marvel comic character) and most people think that's funny and dive right in. No worries. 

RHYS BOWEN: I'm also slightly intimidated by Bouchercon--hanging out at the bar and joining groups of people I don't really know.  I can make small talk if I have to, but I really dislike cocktail parties. I don't enjoy talking to people with whom I have nothing in common and I hate high noise levels. If I meet someone I find interesting I can chat away anywhere... always chat with my drivers on book tour. Such interesting people. I love to chat with people when I'm on vacation in Europe. I speak good French and German and can stumble through in Spanish and Italian. "You how many grandchildren have?"
I have learned that the secret is to ask the other person questions. People love talking about themselves. 

INGRID THOFT: That’s definitely the secret, Rhys:  People love talking about themselves.  I have a list of go-to questions like “Are you from X?  Is this your first X?  Any tips to make the most of it?”  I don’t love small talk, but I’m happy to engage as needed.  I’m not sure this falls into the small talk category, but when a salesperson or waitress asks me how I am, I always ask the same question in return.  So many of them are shocked when I ask—and am genuinely interested in the response.  This makes me think most people aren’t very nice to salespeople and waitresses!  Just yesterday, when asked how I was by the makeup guy at Target, I asked him the same question in turn.  It turns out he was hungry, and we had a brief, lovely chat!  You never know what answer you might get!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: To no one's surprise, I am an extrovert. I grew in in a family where conversation is considered an art form, and Lord help anyone who didn't hold up her or his end at the dinner table. However, I always remember my first mystery convention - Malice Domestic in 2001. I arrived as the guest of St. Martin's, having won the Best First Traditional that year. I felt like a total fish out of water. I was an author, but my book wasn't going to be published for another ten months. I was a reader, but without the depth of knowledge and experience the other fans had. I remember spending a lot of time up in my room, pumping and freezing breast milk. 

Since then, I've always tried to talk, not just to my friends, but to that person who's sitting by herself on the chair in the lobby or who is alone at the panel. We are a welcoming community, but sometimes we forget how it is when everyone seems to know everyone else, and you don't know any of them!

HANK: Love you so much, and you have now solved my dilemma. Julia, you are right! So I will just follow you Reds around. Gregarious Hallie has named some of the exact people I cannot wait to catch up with or meet--add Shari LaPena and Wendy Walker and Megan Miranda. (Lucy, you come with me, too.) The Jenn and Ingrid can break the ice, Rhys can speak another language (very exotic)  and Debs can look wise. So excited! 


Readers, what are your tips for conferences and gatherings? Can you give me some advice?



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Tips for thriving in a room full of strangers

HALLIE EPHRON: In the wake of Bouchercon -- for those of you who've never been, it's the BIG KAHUNA of mystery conferences with thousands of attendees -- I am remembering the first Bouchercon I attended. I felt SO out of it. I'd come there to meet people, but instead I clung to my wine glass like a life raft and stuck to the two or three people I knew. I was terrified.

It felt like the time I went to the wedding of a friend whose family and friends were very nice and welcoming, but all of them were chattering away to one another in Chinese. I drifted off into the corner and cursed my husband for being late, and nibbled on hors d'oeuvres, and tried not to look self-conscious. I was halfway through a bau (a barbecued pork dumpling) when I realize I was eating the paper wrapper.

Since my first Bouchercon, it's much easier for me to find my sea legs in a crowd of strangers. A tip: volunteer! It's so easy to look like you know what you're doing when you have something to do. Like stuffing swag bags, or manning the registration table... and you meet people doing it.

Another one to practice: introduce yourself! And when you see someone you think you've met but you don't remember their name, introduce yourself and apologize for forgetting their name. They've probably forgotten yours, too, or possibly even that they ever met you, and maybe they didn't, but it won't matter.

Edge your way into a group. The key to making new connections is to be genuinely interested in other people.

And, oh yeah, don't drink too much. After the first glass of wine I just have the bartender top it off with club soda and an ice cube.

So, fellow Reds, what tips can you offer about thriving in a room of strangers?

SUSAN ELIA MACNEAL: One of the many nice things about conventions like Bouchercon or readings is that a great opening question is, "What have you read lately that you absolutely love?" We already have the established mutual interest of books, and it's personal (one's taste in books) and genuine — without being tooooooo personal. And you get great book recommendations that way!

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Great tips, Hallie and Susan! (And I was completely terrified at my first B'con, too.) But there are so many great conversation openers for introducing yourself at Bouchercon.

"Are you having a good time?"
"What's been your favorite experience so far?"
"What do you like to read?"
Or, "What do you write?"

I said this on the last night to a guy I hadn't seen before (late in the conference and he wasn't wearing a name tag.) It turned out he was a debut author whose editor is the editor who recommended my agent to me more than twenty years ago. AND the editor was there and I got to give him a big hug. That was one of MY best experiences of the conference.

LUCY BURDETTE: I still stink at working a crowd:(.

I love talking with people and have no problems with one on ones or small groups, but a big group simply reduces me to Junior High School shyness. But those are all good ideas, and I swear next time I'll do better!

RHYS BOWEN: I remember my first Bouchercon too! I knew two people. I wasn't talking to one of them when a group came up to join us. They were going to dinner and one of the men invited me to join them. But I had already arranged to meet the other person I knew so I thanked him but said I had other plans.

As they walked away someone said to me, "You just turned down Jeffrey Deaver?"

Oh no.

Over the years I've found people love to talk about themselves. If I see someone standing alone or left out I ask about where they are from, which panels they have enjoyed, if they've found any good restaurants in town. It really pays to be friendly too. Another author introduced me to my wonderful agent as well.

Now I find the room sort of works itself. Hank and Deb and I sat to have a private chat at the Sheraton last week and within seconds people kept joining us until we had this big group. 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Yes, I loved that, Rhys! So lovely to see you both.  And I treasure it, you know? Agreed, the room sort of works itself, that's a great way of putting it! And It's so--beautiful. Sorry to be sappy, but it is.

My first Bouchercon,  I  hid in my room. Just--hid. And had room service. And then I told myself--hey, dummy, you're here. You might as well be HERE. Now I never remember my room number, because I'm never there! Lovely!

My hint--I try to remember that no matter how shy and hesitant I am, there's someone else who feels even more that way . And what if I can make them have a better time?

I say to myself: MINGLE! And LISTEN.  And introduce people to each other. This is our one chance to be in the world, you know? Might as well have fun--since it our decision.

And yes, one glass of wine, then water. (Usually, actually, no wine. Until later.)

It's still intimidating. But now...it's like a treasure hunt.

HALLIE: So now we turn it over to you... what are your hard-earned tips for making yourself and others comfortable in a crowd of strangers?