By
Brad Parks
Noted
Sexologist
Good morning Reds, please take your
seats. Thank you. What’s that Ms. Brogan www.janbrogan.com? No, you don’t have
to sit in alphabetical order. I know how you feel about being stuck next to Ms.Burdette all the time.
That’s good. Now, Ms. Bowen
has been kind enough to invite me here to the Salon, and I plan to talk about sex
in crime fiction. But I’d like to set some ground rules first. We’re not going to
do it in the sly, winking way that blogs often handle this topic. There will be
no schoolgirl tittering; no inappropriate innuendo; no thinly disguised anatomical
references that involve animals, fruits or vegetables. We’re going to discuss
this like mature, sober-minded adults who...
Yes, what is it, Ms. Spencer-Fleming...
No, we do not want to hear about the time you and Ross “did the matrimonial
mambo” in a five-foot snow bank. See, that’s the kind sophomoric callowness we’re
simply not going to tolerate. (Though I suppose I should expect no less from
the woman who, on the occasion of receiving the prestigious Nero Award from the
Wolfe Pack literary society, was base enough to point out that the society’s short-form
fiction prize – the Black Orchid Novella Award – had an acronym that sounded similar
to how Mainers pronounce the popular slang term for an erection).
Anyhow, where was I? Ah, yes. Sex in
crime fiction. As I was explaining, we’re not going to use euphemisms like “taking
the skin boat to tuna town”; or “doing squat jumps in the cucumber patch”; or “visiting
the love taco stand.” We’re going to engage in an intelligent discussion of
when we should let our characters have sex, how we should handle it, and the
implications for the story as a...
What is it Ms. Harris?...
Actually, I did not know you could do that with a garden trowel. That’s very interesting,
but maybe that’s a better tidbit to save for when you decide to have the Dirt
Nap series cross over into the erotic genre.
So, moving on, this subject recently
became pertinent to me because in my first three novels, the protagonist, an
investigative reporter named Carter Ross, abstains from intercourse with any of
several potential partners. This was not necessarily out of any physical
disability – Carter is healthy enough for sexual activity – but it never
happened naturally within in the flow of the plot.
However, when it came time to write
the fourth book, THE GOOD COP, which released this week, I decided that in
order to further develop his story arc, he might need to raise the emotional
stakes of his relationship with a certain female character. (For the record:
This was not in response to readers
constantly asking me, to use a certain crass colloquialism, when I was going to
“let Carter get laid.”)
Yes, Ms. Ephron,
I’m aware I have rather large hands, but I don’t think that...
No, I’m not telling you my shoe size.
Now, as I was just starting to
explain, I believe sex must be handled carefully in novels. Yes, it’s a natural
part of life. But so is going to the bathroom, and we don’t show our characters
doing that. So as Carter and this particular character began certain courting
rituals familiar to the species H.
sapiens, I...
Actually, Ms. Crombie
I don’t explicitly state what position the characters used. I really didn’t
feel that particular detail lent to the scene’s dramatic thrust...
Okay, okay, you in back, stop
giggling. I admit “dramatic thrust” was a poor choice of phrase. Let’s say it
didn’t add to the narrative push...
...Sorry, I should say that I didn’t
want the pacing to grind to a...
...Strike that. I meant that some
readers felt that detail would stick out as...
Right. Never mind. It just didn’t
add to the scene, all right?
Now, continuing with our discussion,
I write what I consider to be reality-based novels. So it was important to me
that this sex scene had a certain verisimilitude that...
No, Ms. Spencer-Fleming, that does not mean the chapter only takes three
minutes to read...
And, no, it doesn’t mean all the
male readers will finish it first! Please
I’m trying to foster a thoughtful discussion about this subject, one that I
hope will continue with a robust dialogue in the comments section after the
blog post is over. I want readers to be able to comment on how they prefer to see sex handled in
fiction, and we can’t do that if you Reds keep interrupting me with this kind
of facile...
What’s that, Ms. Ryan?...
Oh. Really?...
Is that so?...
Yes, well, uh, you might want to see
me after class.
Brad Parks www.bradparksbooks.com
is a Shamus- and Nero-Award winning author of four novels. Booklist gave his
latest, THE GOOD COP, a starred review, calling it “a tautly written thriller
with charm and humor.” Library Journal said, “Parks’s award-winning series is
essential reading.” He has two children so he has had sex at least twice.
