HANK
PHILLIPPI RYAN: Happy Saturday! I noticed the other day that my ankle was
puffy. (I promise this has a point.) So I looked up “puffy
ankle” (in Web MD, as usual) to see if it was maybe
malaria or dengue fever or something horrible that hasn't been discovered yet.
Turns out, in all likelihood, it has to do with, um, getting old.
Really?
A puffy ANKLE? Are you KIDDING ME? It went away, but I fear that...well,
we shall see.
Anyway,
I am delighted to tell you I am not alone in the REALLY? Are you kidding me?
neck of the woods. My dear pal Laura DiSilverio (who is much younger than I am,
just saying) has been thinking along the same lines.
Those
lines being, sadly, in her face.
Wanna
talk about this? And, just because it might help--wanna take a
QUIZ???
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LAURA DISILVERIO: Hello
to everyone in Jungle Red land, and thanks to the brilliant Reds for inviting
me back. Or course, I’m here in part to
publicize the release of ALL SALES FATAL, the second in my Mall Cop Mystery
series, but I’ve got something else to talk about, too, so let’s stipulate that
ASF is funny, engaging, and a great read, and that you’re going to pre-order it
at once, and move on. (You can read more about ASF at the end of this post, if
interested.)
What I really want to discuss today, and get your thoughts on, is
aging. More specifically, aging
gracefully. I’m coming up on the big
five-oh and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing “graceful” about the way I’m doing
it. Hallie’s sister Nora wrote a
hysterically funny collection of essays on the subject, I Feel Bad about My Neck, and I’ll admit those essays resonate more
now than they did when I first read the book.
I feel okay about my neck, but I think it’s grossly unfair that I’ve
been re-afflicted with acne as my hormones go menopausal. Wrinkles are bad enough, but wrinkles with
acne is just wrong. I’m also not fond of muscles that take four
times as long to recover from a hard workout, or the way the flesh around my
knees sags like it’s trying to visit my ankles.
To facilitate this discussion, I’ve put together the following
short quiz. Take it and see how you
score on the “Graceful Aging” scale.
1. You notice a few more
wrinkles around your eyes. Do you
a. Smile at your reflection and think how great it is you’ve laughed
and smiled enough to carve happiness into your face
b. Trot down to the drug store
and buy some retinol cream
c. Try a do-it-yourself face lift by pulling your hair back into the
tightest ponytail possible
d. Rifle your kids’ college funds, sell your plasma at the blood
donor center, and race to the nearest plastic surgeon
2. Your joints ache after a little exercise. Do you
a. Give thanks that you’re still mobile
b. Wander down to Walgreen’s to get some of that chondroitin you’ve
been hearing about; it’s worth a try
c. Schedule a massage
d. Use it as an excuse to give up your gym membership (and apply the
money saved to your tummy tuck fund)
3. Someone tells you, “You look great . . . for your age.” Do you
a. Thank them sincerely and feel good all day
b. Buy another lotion or potion to fade age spots, diminish wrinkles,
brighten your complexion, plump your skin, and raise your IQ ten points
c. Put this person in your WIP . . . as the murder victim
d. Try to patent the phrase “for your age” so no one can use it
without your permission under threat of prosecution and a lengthy prison term
4. You put on five or ten pounds that just won’t budge. Do you
a. Think, “That’s why God invented elastic-waist pants and skirts!”
b. Invest in the entire Spanx collection
c. Work a half-hour walk into your daily routine
d. Try the latest fad diet and learn to subsist on nothing but kelp, raisins
and Metamucil
Scoring: Give yourself one
point for each A, two for each B, three for each C and four for each D answer.
0-4: The “Let Nature Take Its Course” Gal (or Guy). You’re undermining the economy with your refusal
to purchase any of the lotions, ointments, dyes, teeth bleaching kits, diet
pills, vitamins, or services devoted to making you look and feel four months
younger than your calendar age. Your
aging celebrity counterpart is Jack Nicholson.
5-12: The Do What You Canner. You have staked out a reasonable middle
ground between letting yourself go completely and obsessing endlessly about
each gray hair and wrinkle. Your aging
celebrity counterpart is Jamie Lee Curtis or Betty White.
13-16: The Interventionist. You’re well on your way to becoming Joan
Rivers. You regard the words “aging
gracefully” as an oxymoron and are doing more than your share to keep the
economy afloat with beauty product, spa, and plastic surgery purchases.
So, Jungle Reds, how gracefully are you aging? What’s your biggest complaint about aging?
HANK: Sorry. Still laughing. Luckily I'm really bad at math,so I
can't properly calculate the bad news. And even if I knew the score, I
would forget it soon.
How about you, Reds?
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In All Sales Fatal,
wounded-vet-turned mall cop Emma-Joy “EJ” Ferris finds a dead gangbanger in the
Fernglen Galleria parking lot. When her
boss then disappears and his three ex-wives insist he’s met with foul play, she
searches for a link between him and the dead teen. With the help of her octogenarian Grandpa
Atherton (a retired CIA agent), currently working as the mall’s Easter Bunny,
she must track a killer with little to lose before the murderer puts her out of
business for good. Critics loved the first
mall cop mystery, Die Buying, naming
it to several Best of 2011 lists: Suspense magazine (Top Four Cozies of
2011), the Seattle PI (Top 10), AnnArbor.com (Top 12).
