The Jungle Red Casting Couch. Kind of.

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Last CrimeBake, or was it two ago? Jonathan and I dressed as Sam Spade and Brigid O'Shaughnessy.

(Here's a photo of that.) We carried a Maltese Falcon, which was a (don't tell) stuffed owl we had spray-painted black. (It was a costume party, I guess I should explain. We didn't just walk around like that.)

Now, if I may predict? I predict that my dear pal and brilliant author Dana Cameron is now doing a spit-take with her morning coffee. Because she and her husband were just talking about The Maltese Falcon, and Sam and Mary. And their conversation went another way. Not, shockingly, about Jonathan and me as the leads.

Just--listen. And then--see what you think!

Recasting “The Maltese Falcon”

       by Dana Cameron

            Mr. G and I were out walking at a nearby farm, looking for signs of spring.  The discussion, there being no hawks, coyotes, or frogs in view, naturally turned to movies.

            “Okay, we're recasting 'The Maltese Falcon," I said.  “Who plays what role?”

            “What about Matthew McConaughey?” Mr. G said.  “He's got an edgy outsider look I think Sam Spade should have.”

  

            “What about Russell Crowe?  Think 'L.A. Confidential.'”

            Mr. G shook his head.  “I think of Spade as being on the coffee, cigarette, whisky, and tough steak diet.  Not getting a lot of sleep.  Getting punched or slipped a mickey on a regular basis.  Crowe is too...”

            I kept “fit,” “strapping,” and “physical” to myself. “Healthy?  Then how about Paul Bettany?”

            “Your obsession with him has to stop.” 

        “Are you kidding me?  'Master and Commander' is one of my all-time favorites!  And he's J.A.R.V.I.S in the 'Iron Man and 'Avengers' movies.  He can wear a big white shirt in a period piece while being the heroic scientific outsider and be the perfect wry yet charismatic computer interface voice.”

Photo by Natasha Baucus

  

            “And when I say 'obsession,' I mean it in the kindest, most clinical sense.”

            “Okay, okay.  Who's going to play the Mary Astor role, Mary O'Shaughnessy?  The manipulative damsel in distress?”  A few more steps, a pause to take a picture of a cow who was studying us through the fence.  “Aha!  Kristen Bell!”

            “Good one!  She can do low-down and dirty—as in 'Deadwood' and in 'House of Lies.'  And in 'Veronica Mars,' she's all kinds of smart and sweet.”

            “Right, I have one:  John Goodman for Gutman, the Sidney Greenstreet character.”

            “Oh, he did good sinister, erudite, and jolly in 'O, Brother'!” 

            We were on a roll, settling on Jon Hamm for the detective, leaving Joel Cairo, played by Peter Lorre, up in the air, narrowed down to D.J. Qualls or Neil Patrick Harris.  I'm convinced IMDB.com is responsible for saving many relationships simply by quickly resolving arguments over who was in what.

            “You'll have to find out who's available,” Mr. G said, as if

we were wrapping up a business meeting, and our people would call their people.  

“By the way, who would you cast in Pack of Strays?" 

Photo by Gage Skidmore

   “Easy.  I'd get Mary Elizabeth Winstead for Zoe Miller.  I loved her look and attitude as Ramona Flowers in 'Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World.'  Zoe's an archaeologist but she's also a werewolf,  searching for powerful Fangborn artifacts.  It makes her the ultimate outsider."

     “Sounds like a great part for Paul Bettany.”

 “I'm ignoring you.  And when my editor asked about the unreliable Adam Nichols, to get some cues for the cover art, I knew immediately.  Armie Hammer as Tyler Winkelvoss in 'The Social Network.”  When someone suggests they hire the Sopranos to beat up Zuckerberg, he says, “We can do that ourselves. I'm 6'5", 220, and there's two of me.”  That is exactly Adam's attitude.”

            
We finished the walk and it was time to move on.  “Okay, next movie.  We're remaking 'The Thin Man.'  Who gets cast as Nora?”

            “No one.  Myrna Loy is Nora Charles forever.  I love Myrna Loy.”

            “When I say 'obsession,' I mean your fixation on Myrna Loy.”

            “We're done here.”

So readers:  Who would you cast in The Maltese Falcon?  Or if you believe it should never be remade, who would play you in the movie of your life?  Leave a comment to be entered into a drawing for a copy of Pack of Strays!

HANK:  I am still searching for my Jane Ryland...so funny! (I have considered the woman in the Chico's ad. You know who I mean? And I wish it could be Annette Bening, or Rene Russo.)  And I agree about Nora--no one but Myrna.  

And Pack of Strays to one lucky commenter! 

***************** 

 Dana Cameron can't help mixing in a little history into her fiction.  Drawing from her expertise in archaeology, Dana's work (including traditional mystery, noir, urban fantasy, thriller, and historical tales) has won multiple Agatha, Anthony, and Macavity Awards and earned an Edgar Award nomination. 
Her second Fangborn novel, Pack of Strays (47North) picks up where Seven Kinds of Hell  left off.  A Fangborn short story, "The God's Games" appears in Games Creatures Play, and her story, "The Sun, The Moon, and The Stars," featuring Pam Ravenscroft from Charlaine Harris's acclaimed Sookie Stackhouse mysteries, will appear in Dead But Not Forgotten: Stories from the World of Sookie Stackhouse in May.
http://www.Danacameron.com