RHYS BOWEN:
I know we’ve just celebrated Father’s Day and that has made me think fondly, but with some amusement about my husband John, to whom I’ve been married for over 50 years now.
His good points: he brings me a cup of tea in bed in the mornings. Much appreciated.
He does all the grocery shopping.
He makes sure the household bills are paid.
He is good with money.
He is generous, if a little lacking in imagination. He has bought me some lovely pieces of jewelry, when he sees something he thinks I’ll like. On the other hand, when I told him to surprise me one Christmas I got a biography of Winston Churchill! No, he would never think of buying clothing or bath products.
And he is first reader and editor of all my books. He is ruthless in his criticism resulting in many fights but I do take many of his suggestions.
But he does have his quirks:
He is fanatical about the dishwasher. No matter how I stack things, he goes in and rearranges everything. Oh, and he washes everything before he puts it into the dishwasher.
He is always losing things and blaming me. “Where’s my pen? Did you use it?” And I say, “It’s right there, on the table, in front of you.” And he’s says, “Oh.”
This is not new. The kids once wrote a skit in which he comes into the room at Christmas time and asks, “Where did you put the Christmas tree?”
He is going deaf and will not admit it. I was telling him that he needed an online vault for his passwords. What sort of fault? He asked. Sigh. Apparently I whisper, look away when I speak, drop my voice at the end of sentences and mumble. Does this sound familiar to other wives? I keep trying to convince him that hearing aids these days do not just magnify all sounds but can be tuned to the frequencies he has lost.
And lastly it is my belief that old men should never be allowed anywhere near technology. You should see him with Alexa.
“Alexa, do you think you could find that Benny Goodman number that goes like this…”
When she says “I’m sorry, did you mean…”
He goes on, “So there is some woman singing and…”
Eventually Alexa goes silent in despair.
John: That darned thing just doesn’t work properly.
The same with Siri. We had to come off the freeway so he could find a bathroom. Yes, old men need to do that too. We could not find out how to get back onto the freeway. I was driving. I told him to ask Siri.
John: Siri, we came off the freeway to take a pee and now we can’t…
When we used to use a GPS we were driving in Phoenix (which is a no-brainer. All streets either go North south or east west. GPS, whom we had called Mildred, said Take Bell Road exit. John always liked to take Greenway. Mildred didn’t like this.
Recalculating: Turn right at 39thStreet.
He kept going.
Recalculating, Turn right at 38thStreet.
He kept going
Recalculating: Turn right at 37thStreet.
Me: for God’s sake turn it off.
John: She has to learn!
Me: LOUDLY. She’s a computer. She can’t learn!
But I love him anyway.
