Please DO NOT Try to Fool Me!

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN:  I know it's not today. Ha ha, March Fool.  But I know the worst is still ahead. April Fools Day. I hate it. It's because I am a complete dupe, and incredibly gullible about stuff like that, and I don't think it's one bit funny.  I know we should wait until Sunday to talk about it, but I'd rather talk now, and wave everyone off. 

For instance, a million years ago, my little brother, ten years younger, would come up to me on April Fools Day (which I always forgot about, and even now, you know me, I rarely have any idea what day of the week it is, let alone what holiday) and he'd say: OH! THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOU! 

And I would leap a hundred miles into the air.

He'd laugh and laugh. I cannot think why, because it was not one bit funny.

This happened every year. Every year! And I fell for it, miserably.

Many years pass, and he lives in Colorado, I in Boston. One day he called, and we were chatting ON THE PHONE, mind you, and he says OH, THERES A SPIDER ON YOU.

On the phone! And I still shrieked. Yeah, whatever, April fool. Gah.

So, just saying, I hate practical jokes and April Fools stuff. Although I did hear about one prank where kids sprinkled mashed potato flakes on the floor of the school cafeteria, and when the cleaning people came to mop it all up, well....that's pretty funny, unless you're the cleaning people, and the kids got in a lot trouble, which they should.  But it's a funny idea.

Funny ideas, fine. Actually doing the funny idea? Not funny.

BUT WAIT--AND NO FOOLING!  BREAKING NEWS! OUR RHYS HAS JUST WON THE LEFTY AWARD FOR BEST HISTORICAL MYSTERY FOR IN FARLEIGH FIELD!  YAAAAY!  

But now:

Are you an April Fools fan?  (Jenn, I'm predicting I should stay many many miles from you and the Hooligans.)

RHYS BOWEN: Since April Fools Day is the same as Easter Sunday this year I foresee opportunities for the grandkids to play jokes on me (Easter Egg paper wrapped around something.... raw egg instead of hard boiled? I hope I'm not giving them ideas.

At school we played an April Fool's joke on a dotty old teacher. Her class traded homerooms with another. She called the attendance roll that morning without noticing she had the wrong group of students! Another prank was putting Vaseline on the chalk board. This didn't go down so well. Lots of scrubbing and refinishing required.

The BBC is always brilliant at April Fool's newscasts. My favorite was the spaghetti harvest in Italy. They showed video of woman harvesting long strands of spaghetti from spaghetti trees. This was back when people didn't travel so much and all over Britain people were saying "I never knew spaghetti grew on trees!"

INGRID THOFT:  That sounds like heaven, Rhys!  Spaghetti growing on trees!  I’m not an April Fools fan probably because I’m a control enthusiast, and we don’t like being surprised.  I also have the most sensitive startle reflex, and I promise, my response will scare the joker more than the original joke scares me.  So count me out, but Jenn, do tell!  On can only imagine the shenanigans in your house!

HANK: Rhys, no way. Come ON.  And yes, Ingrid, maybe it does have something to do with control.  I don't like surprise parties, either.

JENN McKINLAY: LOL! Yeah, we live for April Fool's Day around here. Surely, we are not the only people who have a drawer full of rubber spiders, cockroaches, ants, fake vomit, and, yes, a remote control fart machine. Now we are even technologically fancy with our pranks. I have recently figured out how to take over the television from another room and switch the basketball game to a YouTube video of my choosing. I'm looking for something with bad music, cartoon unicorns, and possibly glitter. It must exist. I will use it for my mayhem. Bwa ha ha! 

HANK:  How about this? Perfect for the Hooligans.

JENN:I think you need to crossover to the dark side, Hank, and be the prankster and not the pranked. Might I suggest, a beginner's prank? Show up at the TV station with a box of donuts but when they open it, they find veggies and ranch dip ;) The Hooligans still haven't forgiven me for that one!

LUCY BURDETTE: Jenn, you are so much fun! I think the box of faux donuts is a perfect starter prank! My mother used to love April fools' day jokes--her favorite being sewing my father's pajama legs together. The Key West Citizen paper puts out a masterful April 1 edition too--the articles are so real, so close to the truth and yet outrageous, that it tricks us every year. Cannot wait to see what they come up with this year!

DEBORAH CROMBIE: I come from a non-pranking family, but I'm a wee bit jealous of those of you who are good at pranks. Love the fake donut box!! And the spaghetti on trees! My hubby, on the other hand, is the oldest of five and LOVES pranks and practical jokes. Needless to say, I don't always think they are as funny as he does, but I am inspired by Jenn. Maybe this year I'll even come  up with an April Fool's for him!

JENN: Debs, I once baked a two layer vanilla cake with vanilla frosting but hollowed out the core and filled it with plastic spiders! Dudes jumped a couple feet in the air when they cut into it. Seriously, one of my faves and pretty easy :)

HANK: OH, my gosh... I would have collapsed. Seriously.

HALLIE EPHRON: Curious minds: what did you do with the core that you hollowed out?

I'm not  a prankster and I don't like being the prankee. I do wish I could write satire. We've never tried that for an April fools blog... a thought.

My husband once got me by announcing, as I was rolling out of bed, that there was a fleet in the toilet. I went to go to the bathroom and sure enough, several little paper boats were floating in the bowl.

JENN: We ate it, of course!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Teachers are going to be so happy this year - Easter or no, April Fool's falls on a Sunday. No pranks at school! I remember Ross once describing April 1st as "the longest day": 8:30am to 3:20pm filled with exactly the kind of witty jokes you would expect from five to eight year olds. God bless him, he would act surprised/confused/afraid/laugh for each and every little kid who told him school was cancelled or that he had something on his nose.

For me, the best part of April Fool's day are all the funny blog postings and news items online. If you google "April Fool's roundup" you'll get loads of lists of grownups going all-out to amuse each other. My perennial favorite: Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, one of the top romance review sites on the web. Over the years they've done "Smart Bitches Who Love Fluffy Bunnies," a snack subscription service pairing the perfect snack with any book you order, a website redesign that perfectly captures the horror that was the 1996 Geocities sites, and Bitchster, the social media network for romance readers. I can't wait to see what they have up their sleeves this year.  

HANK: Great. Terrific. All very fabulous and I'm sure it'll be lovely.  How about you, Reds and Readers? Are you a fan of foolery? Or would you rather skip ahead to...well, anything? 

thanks for the photos to:

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April Fools!

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: For most American adults, the April date they dread is the fifteenth, the ides of April, when the tax man claims his due. But for my husband, the most dreaded day of the year is today. April First. Why? Because he teaches in a K-5 elementary school. For the past eleven years, the beginning of April has brought Ross a seven hour stretch of fake candy, inky handshakes, exhortations to look behind him! and offers of a free car, a million dollars, and more candy (still fake.) All topped off with a gleeful cry of "APRIL FOOLS!"

April Fools Day may be one of the last little holidays that still rests with kids, untouched by adult enthusiasm. Grown-ups have overrun Halloween. May Day has disappeared, unless you attend parochial school. Fourth of July parades have become professionalized, and forget about St. Patrick's. But as yet, April Fools Day's most enthusiastic proponents are all between the ages of three and thirteen.

When I was a child, my favorite trick was to tell my teachers, in what I believed was a quavering voice, that I had forgotten my homework. Then, when they were frowning at me in what I imagined was concern, I would shout, "April Fools!" Looking back, I suspect my ruse wasn't as cunning as I thought.
My mother was a MUCH better recipient of my fake-bad-news schtick. I would come home and tell her I had been suspended, or the school was closing, or some such canard. She would clutch her breast and gasp and say, "No!" Then when I revealed the truth - she had obviously forgotten it was April Fools Day - she would reel back in relief and assure me she had bought it hook, line and sinker. It was all very gratifying and may have influenced my later career choice to make a living by telling stories.

How about you, Reds? Any memories of April Fools gone by? Do you still participate as grown-ups?
HALLIE EPHRON: I confess, I hate practical jokes unless they are exceedingly gentle. Remember short-sheeting a bed? Putting pepper in the salt shaker? Shampoo in the mouthwash? That's about my speed.

My husband's idea of a practical joke is goofy. When I was getting up one April first, he came into the bedroom all in a lather - "There's a fleet in the toilet! There's a fleet in the toilet."

Sure enough, there was a virtual platoon of origami boats floating in it.

LUCY BURDETTE: Oh too funny Julia! And Hallie--a fleet! What other husband would come up with that? My family's favorite joke was to watch my father as he tried to put his pajamas on when the legs had been sewn shut. That's about your speed, right Hallie?

John got my nephew pretty good a couple of years ago. When our daughter was married, we went home after the party was over and let the younger set carry on the celebration. Later we heard that our nephew bought a round of drinks for a rather large group and charged it to John's account. On April Fool's day, some months later, John emailed him and told him the bill had come in at $900. My nephew was horrified and embarrassed. It took several rounds of emails to the cousins to realize what day it was...

RHYS BOWEN: We pulled off several good ones at school, the best being the whole class of an absent-minded home room teacher switching with another class. Teacher called the roll and 30 girls answered present for girls who weren't there! Teacher didn't twig until much later!
Best one at home--John was on a diet, trying hard to lose weight and monitoring his progress. I crept into his bathroom on April 1 and re-calibrated the scale to show ten pounds heavier. I heard him go in, then an anguished "No! I can't have gained weight!"
I love clever tricks, but not cruel ones.

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: I am SUCH an April Fools wimp. I really really hate to be tricked or humiliated or made fun of--told you I was a wimp--so I don't play tricks on anyone. (I know, I need more confidence.)

My now-very-cool younger brother Chip used to torment us, growing up. Every April Fools, he would say, with great terror in his voice: "THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOU!"

That being the worst possible thing, of course. I fell for it every time.

Years went by. Me falling for it every time. Then we grew up.

One day, when I was in my 30's, Chip called me in Atlanta from where he lived in Colorado. We chatted for a while, then he said--on the PHONE mind you--THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOU!  I shrieked and threw the phone.

Totally fell for it. Totally. Now he does it every year. I look forward to it.

JULIA:  Hank, we used to tell my sister, "You have garments on you!" Worked every time.   

ROSEMARY HARRIS: Once again I'm forced to look back and think - I've never had ANY fun, have I??? I can't remember a single AFD joke I've either played or had played on me. And I'm sure if I played one on Bruce he'd just stare at me until I told him and he said "oh, yeah, April fool's."

But, I will try the spider thing on Hank the next time I see her... 


How about you, dear readers? What are/were your favorite jokes, tricks or pranks? And do you think April Fool's Day is kid stuff? Or do you, too, call up your sibling and shout, "THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOU!"

About the illustrations: in France, the First of April is Poisson d'Avril (April Fish) because the first fish of Spring are easily hooked!