To Go or Not To Go, That is the Question

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: Celia recently sent me an article byMelissa Kirsch of the New York Times. In it, Kirsch talks about the oh-so-modern joys of not showing up for a previous commitment: the sense of dodging an obligation, the delight of just not having to do anything. Apparently, this can go for both parties, as a recent SNL sketch points out - the pleasure of doing nothing for an evening versus the horror of having PLANS. 

Of course, modern forms of communication make it easy to sort-of-commit and kind-of-back out. In the ancient days of yore (prior to 1995) one had to phone friends to rope them into a casual get-together, which meant if you, the invitee, wanted to back out, you actually had to pick up the phone and talk to the person you were standing up. This was done by hacking loudly and pretending to be sick, or having your children/dogs/spouse wailing in the background. Either way, you felt guilty.

 

Now, however, plans might start with a text: Hey, thinking about getting together at the new sushi place next Friday? You in?

 

Notice even the invite is pretty conditional. The invitee might reply: Sounds good! Let me know the time.

 

The word “yes” does not appear. However, the invitee adds the date to their phone calendar. When Friday rolls around, over a week later, the invitee is beat, and just wants to collapse on the sofa with a drink and a new episode of Slow Horses. Instead, they’re appalled to get a follow up text: You still on for tonight?

 

Unlike ye olden times, when a host held the guests feet to the fire with a firm expectation they would show up on time (with a bottle of wine or some flowers) the modern ‘host’ is giving the invitee three clear freeway lanes to make an exit. Which the invitee does: Sorry, not a good time. Catch you later, though.

 

Reds, how are you about making plans and keeping them? Do you issue formal invites? Are you deeply relieved when you can skip an event relatively guilt-free?

 

DEBORAH CROMBIE: Really, boringly, old-school here. If I commit to something, I will do it unless I am literally on my sickbed, even if sometimes I would much rather be collapsed on the sofa with a homemade cocktail and the newest episode of Bake Off! On the other hand, my social calendar is not all that demanding!

 

HANK PHILLIPPI RYAN: Oh, me, too. I’m there if I say I’m there-if I have to cancel, I hate that.  

However, I have to say if the other guy cancels, that’s kinda fine with me. I had an event with a very fancy author some years ago. I was supposed to interview her for something, and for some hideous reason that had nothing to do with me, we had to cancel. 

When I called her with an alternate date, she applauded. Yay, she said,  we can do this another time, and I get my afternoon back. When I continued to apologize, she stopped me. Hey, she said, how often are you unhappy to get time back? 

Got to admit she had a point.

But it’s got to come from them, not from me.

And thinking now–we have friends who ALWAYS cancel. It’s so funny–I kinda count on it. Oh, I say to Jonathan–that dinner will never happen. 

 

LUCY BURDETTE: I’m pretty good at keeping plans too. However, I do consult John first before accepting something. That gives us a chance to say, we’ve really got too much going on here and need some down time. (It’s quite busy in Key West and a person could end up out every night if they weren’t careful…)

 

HALLIE EPHRON: I try not to make dates I won’t be able to keep, but honestly as you get older, it’s hard to know just how you’re going to feel. I’m a lot more forgiving these days with my friends who over and over make dates and cancel. They’re doing their best, as am I. I still want to see them… hopefully another time.

 

RHYS BOWEN:  I hate to let anyone down. I put everything on the calendar instantly and if I say I’m going to be there, I am, and on time. I’m obsessive about being on time, while John has to be dragged out of the house. If I invite someone and they cancel at the last minute I don’t think I’ll be inviting them again.  However, I do realize as we get older that doctor appointments get in the way of things we’d rather do.

 

JENN McKINLAY: Hub and I are in accord that the best plans are canceled plans. Probably, because we’re out 1-2 times per week for his gigs, we’re full up on the social and a weekend off is a glorious thing! That being said, there are friends and family that I don’t even check my calendar for - if they reach out I will meet them any time, any place, any day, anywhere. I am an on time person, never early but rarely late more than a minute, but I am a ghoster. I leave parties without saying good-bye because it takes another hour to say good-bye to everyone and when I want to go, I just go. 

 

JULIA: Okay, dear readers, now it's your turn. Do you go or do you ghost?

Eight Questions

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: It's Friday! No, it doesn't mean I'm released from my life of too-many-pets bondage. But it does mean I'm reaching the end of the week with just enough gas in my metaphorical tank to roll down hill into Saturday. So instead of my thoughts, I'm sharing my questions:

 

1. What is is with those yards filled from door to sidewalk with Halloween decorations? I mean, yes, I get the idea, but... where the heck do people store those skeletons and monsters the rest of the year? I have an entire closet plus some space in the attic reserved for Christmas - how does anyone manage to keep decorations for both holidays?

 

2. Also thinking of fall decor: why are pumpkins so expensive? I saw a photo of an attractive fall front porch display I thought I'd try. I have nice branches and bittersweet; all I needed was some interesting gourds. Imagine my shock when I priced them out at the local farm stand and realized I could get an overnight at The Parker Hotel in Boston for the same price. C'mon, dudes, they're inedible; we know those giant squashes are just compost-in-waiting.

 

3. Why do I always fall for the sale-priced grocery item that's JUST about to be unappealing because the weather is changing? I had to toss a hermetically sealed package of kielbasa that I bought in the summer. Turns out all the dishes I use the sausage for are, you know, cold weather meals. Now I've got two containers of mixed salad greens about to decompose in the veggie drawer of my fridge, because it was 78F/25C when I bought them and now... it's too cold for salad. Is this a me problem?

 

4. This is a little out of the ordinary, but why are people who work in the ER (aka the ED) so attractive? No, I don't mean in The Pitt, and I'm not saying that because the last time I had to go in for an emergency I was given excellent drugs. At Maine Medical Center,  85% of the doctors, nurses and techs look like LL Bean athletic wear models. Are people just better looking in Maine? (Feel free to say yes.)

 

5. I was filling up the car the other day and used my loyalty card for an extra five cents off, and I was suddenly reminded of my youth, when my Mom would get a water glass every time she bought a full tank of gas. Really nice amber ones, too - very seventies. We all know you can get glasses at the Dollar Tree for $1.25 each, which means they must wholesale for something like forty cents. Why don't they do those gas station giveaways any more?

 

6. Does anyone know what the heck Bruno Mars and Rosé (yes, I had to look up the artists) mean when they sing, "Meet me at the A.P.T. uh huh, A.P.T. uh huh," etc. Is it a store? The initials of a nightclub? Does it have anything to do with AI? Speaking of which...

 

7. Am I the only one who would pay a monthly subscription if I never had to see or hear anything about AI again? 

 

8. Finally, and I think I speak for all of us of a certain age, when you go to buy readers/cheaters why do they never have sample glasses you can put on to determine how much magnification you need? I can slip on sunglasses before I buy - even expensive ones! - but check out the differences between 1.5 and 2.5 at TJ Maxx? No way, those 3 for $9 babies are staying sealed in plastic. I feel there may be some age discrimination at play here.

 

Okay, dear readers, you have my questions. What are the answers?

The Changing of the Gar...ment

JULIA SPENCER-FLEMING: There are many, many fall chores to be done when you live in the northeastern US. You want to check the doors and windows for drafts, get the oil tank filled, start (or finish) stacking the wood, clean up the garden and the lawn, etc. etc.

There's one chore I always dread and put off until I absolutely can't any more, so I'm pleased to be able to say I finally did it Tuesday. Yes, I changed out my summer wardrobe for my winter clothes.

I suppose there are some places this task is unnecessary. Southern Florida, Southern California, Southern Arizona... you get the drift. But most everywhere else, the weather change is enough to require a different collection of garments. At the very least you need a few light sweaters and a jacket and coat.

Up here in Vacationland, we're serious about our winter wear. (I know you readers in Canada and the northern midwest are nodding along.) Summer is sleeveless tops, cropped pants, canvas sneakers.  Winter is long-sleeved T plus a flannel shirt plus a wool sweater. Corduroy pants and insulated, waterproof boots.

Again, some of you lucky readers live in contemporary houses with abundant closet space. Maybe switching up your attire is a matter of moving everything from room A to room B, hangars and all. But I, alas, live in This Old House, where the tiny closets were created years after the place was built, by boxing in part of the walls. So my off-season clothing is stored, you guessed it, up in the attic.

We have a traditional attic - low, sloping ceilings waiting to give you a concussion, a single hanging bulb to illuminate the whole-house-wide space, and 2-3 generations of STUFF crowding what should be a clear center aisle. Oh, and don't forget the rickety pull-down ladder (partial handrail on only one side) that's the only was to get up there. (Don't worry, family and friends, I take my phone with me, so if I fall and break something, I can still dial for help.)

You can understand why I eke out my warm-weather attire well into October. I'll layer two cotton sweaters over a 3/4 sleeve shirt, and pull knee-high socks up to cover the gap created by pedal pushers. This being Maine, I always have a couple light-weight turtlenecks in my drawers even in July, and they see HEAVY rotation between mid-September and mid-October.

But eventually, a combination of increasingly cold temperature, boredom with wearing the same three warm items over and over, and embarrassment over being seen in public with cropped pants and woolly socks forces me into action. It takes about three hours to do the changeover - as long as the cat doesn't make it up the stairs and into mouse hunting heaven. (She's getting on in years and is mercifully less inclined to do this these days.)

By the time I'm done, my knees hurt, my shoulder aches from hauling outfits on hangers up and down the ladder, and it feels like I have permanent dents in my fingers from the aforementioned hooks. 

But it's always a pleasure to be reintroduced to clothing I haven't seen in months (particularly this year, as I've lost some weight and am finding tops and bottoms that are a bit large for me!) Obviously, I've never done the Millennial shopping haul thing, but meeting my wardrobe again feels close. (Also? Much cheaper.) Oo, brushed velveteen! Yummy cashmere! Cozy vests!

I'll do the whole thing over again in May, by which time I'll be sick to death of all these thrillingly newish clothes. I'll go through the same process, and find the same pleasure in the reappearance of the sleeveless shirts and bright colors of the summer. Who knows, maybe I'll drop a little bit more weight, and I'll be able to justify actually buying a few new items...

Dear readers, do you switch up your clothing seasonally?